{"id":7720,"date":"2024-10-27T14:27:00","date_gmt":"2024-10-27T21:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/themendproject.com\/?p=7720"},"modified":"2026-03-11T11:12:57","modified_gmt":"2026-03-11T18:12:57","slug":"covert-abuse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/themendproject.com\/es\/covert-abuse\/","title":{"rendered":"Covert Abuse: Identifying Hidden Forms of Emotional Manipulation"},"content":{"rendered":"

What is covert abuse, and what is covert emotional abuse? <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cCovert\u201d means \u201chidden\u201d or \u201csecret.\u201d <\/p>\n

Covert abuse involves specific manipulative behavioral tactics that are hard to spot and difficult to define. <\/p>\n

Without gaining clarity and access to the proper language to describe the hidden forms of emotionally abusive behaviors, they are nearly impossible to explain or confront. <\/p>\n

This subtle form of emotional abuse<\/a> usually continues unabated for years or decades before the victim recognizes the cause of their stress, confusion, and trauma. <\/p>\n

Covert abuse happens in all types of relationships: friendship, family, romantic, and business. <\/p>\n

In this article, we will share what covert abuse is, help you identify it by teaching you its signs and tactics, and help you learn what it does to various types of relationships. We\u2019ll also teach you how you can get help.<\/p>\n

\u00a1Vamos a sumergirnos en ello!.<\/p>\n

How Is Covert Abuse Hidden?<\/h2>\n

What is it, and why do we call it covert abuse<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Covert abuse includes the continuous use of various types of subtle behaviors in a pattern that is intended to manipulate, control, or subdue the abuser\u2019s target.<\/p>\n

Covert abuse isn\u2019t necessarily loud or obvious, either to the victim o<\/em> those who witness the relationship. Most often, it appears as if \u201csomething is off,\u201d but there\u2019s little you can pinpoint.<\/p>\n

The covert abuser takes pieces of reality or known vulnerabilities of the victim and twists them in ways that are designed to weaken the position of the one being harmed in the relationship, make them question their reality, and deceive them into believing false narratives about themselves or what really occurred.<\/p>\n

These mind games create confusion and significant emotional and physical stress for the one being harmed.<\/p>\n

The victim often feels consumed by self-doubt, anxiety, and distress. It is as if they are dying inside, becoming a shell of their former self.<\/p>\n

The inability to identify these very confusing manipulative behaviors that are meant to downgrade the victim\u2019s perspectives or position makes covert abuse nearly impossible to figure out or address.<\/p>\n

While the victim desperately searches for answers, the covert abuse continues.<\/p>\n

Victims suffer in silence without understanding the source of their relationship problems. This is why covert abuse is known as hidden abuse<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Now, let\u2019s go deeper.<\/p>\n

Overt vs. Covert Psychological Abuse and Their Connection<\/h2>\n

It can sometimes be easier to recognize overt abuse.<\/p>\n

The victim of overt abuse is more readily able to name the act that is harming the relationship. This more obvious form of abuse enables the victim to explain to their partner and others what is wrong and facilitates their ability to get help.<\/p>\n

Within overt emotional abuse, some victims can discern accurately that something is wrong with their partner. In contrast, covert emotional abuse victims often internalize that something must be wrong with themselves.<\/p>\n

Overt abuse – such as raging, threatening, put-downs, name-calling, breaking items, or physical abuse – is almost always combined with covert tactics of abuse.<\/p>\n

When both overt and covert abuse takes place, the abuser vacillates between the two types of abusive behavior with a mindset that is most often aimed at powering over and controlling the other. The interplay between both forms of abuse keeps the victim off-kilter and confused.<\/p>\n

Overt and covert abuse<\/a> often play off of each other, but not always.<\/p>\n

There are cases where overt abuse, such as rage, is not necessarily indicative of an abusive mindset. The person who rages may not engage in other controlling or intimidating behaviors. In this case, they may solely have a hard time coping with daily challenges and need an anger management program.<\/p>\n

When a true abuser is challenged on their overt behavior, it is common for them to switch to another overt or covert tactic. This further exhausts the victim as the abuser aims to gain the power advantage over them.<\/p>\n

This is why we must become adept at recognizing abusive behaviors as well as the mindset and attitudes<\/a> driving the abuser\u2019s behaviors.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, it\u2019s critical to develop the proper language to name the abuse tactics being used so the victim won\u2019t be blindsided and can disengage rather than engage in crazy-making covert conversations.<\/p>\n

The Signs of Covert Abuse<\/h2>\n

There are several signs of covert abuse.<\/p>\n

What a Victim of Covert Abuse or Covert Narcissism Might Feel<\/h3>\n

1. A Victim of Covert Abuse May Feel Like They Are Walking On Eggshells<\/h4>\n

Over time, the victim may come to believe they can control the abusive outbursts if they are cautious to do everything perfectly.<\/p>\n

So, they start to \u201cwalk on eggshells\u201d to avoid causing any form of irritation or conflict.<\/p>\n

Unsure of what will set their partner off, a victim is careful not to do anything wrong. The victim lies low, keeps quiet, and maintains a hyper-vigilant posture that becomes very stressful.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to note that victims of covert emotional abuse suffer from high levels of stress and confusion. They over-function, or said another way, carry the lion\u2019s share of the relational work, as they aim to do everything right and find solutions to unmanageable conflicts.Victims may find they have thoughts like:<\/p>\n

\u201cAm I loveable?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere must be something wrong with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy can\u2019t I solve our relationship problems?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I don\u2019t know how to communicate properly.\u201d<\/p>\n

These thoughts commonly carried by victims of covert emotional abuse demonstrate how being undermined by their partner impacts their self-perceptions and identity.<\/p>\n

2. If You\u2019re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You Can\u2019t Get Enough Sleep<\/h4>\n

Chances are, you are emotionally and physically exhausted!<\/p>\n

Prolonged stress creates heightened stress hormones and overtaxes the endocrine system, leading to adrenal fatigue and hypervigilance, among other issues. This makes it difficult to relax or find deep rest.<\/p>\n

Neverending conflict exhausts the victim\u2019s body. No matter how long they lie in bed, deep sleep is hard to attain. Over time, the lack of sleep contributes to immune and other physical decline.<\/p>\n

3. If You\u2019re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You Are Constantly Running Into Walls<\/h4>\n

Covert emotional abusers make most conversations exceedingly exhausting for the victim – especially opportunities to resolve conflict.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s common for the person on the receiving end of the abuse to feel confused and highly stressed. Their genuine efforts to communicate effectively are met by various toxic emotional roadblocks put in place to power over the victim rather than to transition the conversation to mutually satisfying solutions.<\/p>\n

Any attempt to bring calm into stressful encounters goes nowhere, making the victim feel like they are constantly running into a wall and running out of options.<\/p>\n

What begins as frustration often evolves into bitterness, depression, and anxiety.<\/p>\n<\/span>\n

4. If You\u2019re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You Are the \u201cCrazy\u201d One<\/h4>\n

Conversations seem to go in circles. The destructive nature of this form of hidden abuse gives the victim the sense that they are truly going crazy<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Covert abuse tactics, by definition, are crazy-making<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The trauma they cause affects one so significantly that, over time, the victim\u2019s ability to control their thoughts or regulate their emotions becomes compromised. They may lose their sense of reality and question their memory or perceptions.<\/p>\n

It seems impossible to understand what is happening to them, and they remain unsure of what is causing it, usually for quite a long time.<\/p>\n

5. If You\u2019re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Anxious or Fearful<\/h4>\n

Many victims experience fear and anxiety daily.<\/p>\n

If you feel anxious or fearful around your partner, consider emotionally or physically detaching from them.<\/p>\n

6. If You\u2019re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You\u2019re Depressed and All Alone<\/h4>\n

Many victims become depressed from experiencing covert abuse.<\/p>\n

Rather than taking responsibility for their harmful behavior toward their partner, the abuser blames the victim\u2019s depressed demeanor as the cause of the relationship problems. This successfully shifts everyone\u2019s attention onto the victim to cure the relationship.<\/p>\n

In reality, the hidden abuse is the problem and also is what\u2019s causing the depression, not the other way around.<\/p>\n

Covert Abuse Tactics<\/h2>\n

There are numerous covert tactics of control, such as lying, blame-shifting, withholding, minimization, gaslighting, weaponized joking, and more.<\/p>\n

Because they are difficult to discern, few people, regardless of how intelligent they are, have the emotional awareness and accurate language required for recognizing covert abuse or describing it when it is happening.<\/p>\n

This lack of clarity is often also true among therapists or others helping them.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s have a look at some covert behaviors employed by abusers.<\/p>\n

\"Cognitive-and-Emotional-Distress\"<\/span><\/p>\n

Minimization<\/h3>\n

Minimization is the belittling of the victim\u2019s perspective with the intention to make the victim\u2019s stance or what the victim values unimportant, consequently silently diminishing their confidence, creativity, and individuality.<\/p>\n

Minimization is abusive<\/a> when used repeatedly within a relationship to break down boundaries and attack the victim\u2019s self-worth and values.<\/p>\n

Blame-Shifting<\/h3>\n

Blame-shifting occurs when the abuser refuses to take responsibility for a situation\u2014and instead, assigns the liability to others, usually the victim.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I wouldn\u2019t have gotten angry if you\u2019d just done the dishes when I asked you to.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Or, after directing a sarcastic joke at the victim, blaming them for being too sensitive when they disapprove.<\/p>\n

The victim experiences pain first in the originating harm, and again when they are blamed.<\/p>\n

Blame-shifting stifles conflict resolution and helps the abuser evade personal responsibility.<\/p>\n

Gaslighting<\/h3>\n

There are many forms of gaslighting<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The primary intent is to rewrite history and cause the victim to doubt their own perspectives or memories. The abuser changes the narrative to support their denial, lies, or selfish objectives by saying something like, \u201cI never said that,\u201d or \u201cI never did that.\u201d<\/p>\n

The victim is unsuspecting and may become consumed with self-doubt or feel like they are going \u201ccrazy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Many victims feel they need to write down what took place during an argument or record discussions to later prove to themselves they are not crazy.<\/p>\n

Countering<\/h3>\n

Regardless of the victim\u2019s requests and how reasonable the request may be, the abuser may initially agree to comply, but they ultimately do the opposite.<\/p>\n

Catastrophizing<\/h3>\n

This takes place when the victim shares their thoughts or feelings, and the abuser blows the situation out of proportion.<\/p>\n

Or maybe the victim made a small mistake, and the abuser catastrophizes the situation and portrays the victim as having intentionally tried to harm or disrespect them.<\/p>\n

Avoiding Responsibility at All Costs<\/h3>\n

Self-reflection is required for someone to take responsibility for their actions and self-reflection is not built into the abuser\u2019s belief system.<\/p>\n

The abuser does not healthily manage their own defenses. They are chronically defensive.<\/p>\n

Instead of owning up to their immature and harmful words and actions, a covert abuser will rapidly shift from one manipulative tactic to another. As soon as the victim identifies blame-shifting, for example, and sets a boundary, the abuser will move to lying or withholding or any number of other manipulative behaviors. When these behaviors constantly change, it becomes nearly impossible for the victim to identify the patterns being employed against them.<\/p>\n

Abusers are more interested in powering over the victim<\/a> and winning arguments than in connecting emotionally or listening authentically.<\/p>\n

A lack of clarity and being continually blamed for all the wrongs in the relationship significantly wears the victim down both emotionally and physically.<\/p>\n

No Sincere Apology with Meaningful Change<\/h3>\n

Victims rarely receive a sincere apology for the abuse.<\/p>\n

The victim is more likely to be blamed for the pain they are feeling.<\/p>\n

Even a partial apology is likely to be administered in a condescending tone, making it impossible for the victim to experience emotional safety. Often, the apology is incongruent with the abuser\u2019s facial expressions or body language. The abuser is simply checking the box to move on with no intention of changing their behavior.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, abusers wrongly judge the victim\u2019s feelings when they don\u2019t align with the abuser\u2019s expectations.<\/p>\n

In a healthy relationship, a full and authentic apology is administered in ways that make the victim feel cared for. A genuine apology will include sincere remorse, validation of the victim\u2019s feelings, reparations commensurate to the harm caused, and immediate change.<\/p>\n

These steps demonstrate what is required if one truly accepts responsibility for one’s actions. To do less than equates to empty words.<\/p>\n

The Effects of Covert Abuse on Relationships<\/h2>\n

Most understand covert abuse can happen in any romantic relationship.<\/p>\n

It also occurs in other relationships, such as between parent and child, at school among peers, and in the workplace.<\/p>\n

Covert Abuse in Marriage and Romantic Relationships<\/h3>\n

All it takes is one emotionally abusive behavior repeated in a pattern to be destructive to a relationship.<\/p>\n

If done repeatedly, lying, playing the victim, or belittling the other person\u2019s concerns will ruin the safety and trust between closely linked individuals.<\/p>\n

The solution for the partner whose trust has been betrayed may seem simple to those on the outside.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust leave.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

But it\u2019s not simple. It can be very complicated to leave. There are finances to consider, custody of children, and the victim instinctively knows that the abuser is likely to retaliate and amp up abuse after a separation.<\/p>\n

The Honeymoon Phase<\/h3>\n

When there is a marriage or a romantic relationship with an abuser, the victim knows and remembers being love-bombed, the first stage of a trauma bond<\/a>, during what is called the honeymoon phase.<\/p>\n

\u201cLove bombing\u201d is when someone uses extraordinary measures within a short time of meeting someone to flatter them: gifts, excessive compliments, dates to all the places you love, and extra attention, making you feel like you are the sole object of their affection.<\/p>\n

When we experience love bombing, we may confuse it for true love and dive in!<\/p>\n

However, the love bombing happens in a flash and then ends abruptly when the abuse begins.<\/p>\n

Once the honeymoon phase transitions into abusive behavior, the victim is blindsided and confused\u2014causing them to doubt themselves and second-guess themselves and wonder what they may have done wrong to upset their partner.<\/p>\n

They miss the great guy or gal their lover was when they met and they long to get that feeling back.<\/p>\n

At first sight, the hurtful behavior may be dismissed as a short-term diversion from the person they thought they married. In a sense, victims gaslight themselves.<\/p>\n