Understanding Reactive Abuse: What You Need to Know

Discerning the experiences and stories of two people can be tricky and confusing.

This is especially true when there is a long history of abuse, and the victim’s involuntary trauma responses are triggered by recurring abusive attacks. Both people act in ways that could be considered emotionally violent and/or abusive to an outsider.

This may make it appear as if there are two victims and two abusers when, in reality, there is only one.

A violent or aggressive response to an abusive partner is called reactive abuse. We prefer the term reactive defense. The victim’s reaction does not turn them into an abuser.

So, what is going on?

In this article, you will learn:

How to define reactive abuse
What causes the abused person to react emotionally or physically violently
The difference between the abuser’s motives and mindset versus their victim’s
And how to discern who’s the abuser

Let’s get started.

What is Reactive Abuse?

When a victim has been in an abusive relationship for a while, they begin to defend themselves against emotionally or physically violent attacks.

The term ‘reactive abuse’ refers to a victim’s defensive response to the narcissistic abuse behaviors they have been experiencing repeatedly over time.

Although it is called reactive abuse, MEND prefers the term reactive defense because a victim is not an abuser.

Reactive abuse occurs when the victim either becomes exhausted and frustrated or the aggressor in response to the abuser, such as by throwing something, pushing the abuser out of the way, slapping, raging, or angry outbursts.

In truth, reactive abuse is self-defense, not abuse.

This happens when the victim, who has been dealing with abusive behavior over a sustained period of time, reaches an internal breaking point. The prolonged physical or emotional abuse they have endured causes them to react impulsively rather than respond calmly.

A victim who reacts abusively is usually acting out of character, leaving them confused and surprised by their response. This leads to more self-doubt and self-criticism.

Even though it comes out of the body’s natural defense mechanism, which is designed to protect them from violence, reactive abuse almost always harms the victim more than the abuser.

Even in healthy relationships, there are times we respond in ways that are uncharacteristic of our true selves.

So, why isn’t reactive abuse considered abuse?

Let’s take a look.

How Does Reactive Abuse Work?

Reactive abuse is a victim’s way of self-defense against the overwhelming injustice their abuser is doing to them. Their defensive reaction does not put the victim on an equal par with the abuser or transform them from victim to abuser.

You might wonder: “Why doesn’t it?”

To answer this, let’s look into the mindset of an abuser.

The Abusive Mindset

Victims of domestic violence do not bring violence upon themselves, nor are they abusive like their partner is. True abuse is a choice the abuser makes. It is not an accident, and it’s never the victim’s fault.

Abusers, or those who cause harm, have entrenched faulty thinking patterns and beliefs that lead to destructive behaviors and a need to power over and control their partner. Abusers have entrenched beliefs about entitlement, placing the victim in a downgraded position. These feelings encourage them to use manipulative aggression.

And when the victim raises a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, the abuser will react defensively to shut the victim’s voice down.

The confusion of an abuse mindset versus an involuntary reaction

The abusive behavior can be overt, such as through physical violence, sexual, or overt psychological abuse.

It can also be covert through gaslighting, minimization, blame-shifting, or any other hidden manipulative behavior.

Whether overt or covert, abusive words and actions are forms of intimate partner violence.

The reverse, however, is not automatically true because violence does not necessarily equal abuse.

When victims fight back, it is usually to stop a dangerous situation or oppression. The actions do not come from an abusive mindset to power over and control their partner.

Reactive abuse is often due to prolonged states of high stress and confusion, or what are known as trauma states, in response to having their voice and personhood controlled or shut down. It doesn’t equal mutual abuse. Understanding this requires us to take a look at what causes the victim to respond this way.

The Involuntary Reaction

The victim’s response is an involuntary reaction caused by the cumulative trauma they have been experiencing over time and comes from a place of extreme frustration or self-defense.

Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or sexual, it causes deep fear and stress and puts the victim on high alert.

When the victim senses danger, the brain releases stress hormones that help the body defend against the threat.

This is known as a “stress response” or “trauma response,” which is more commonly called a “fight, freeze, flight or fawn response.”

In other words, the victim’s natural response is for their body to prepare to freeze, flee, fight back, or appease their abuser, especially when they perceive a threat to their safety or freedom.

Recurring trauma has harmful effects on one’s mind and body.

You’re Not Powerless

We understand the deep manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse you could be facing. But it’s okay–the confusion and doubt end now.

You can fight back. By empowering yourself with clarity and knowledge, you can take control of your emotions and respond with strength and clarity—no more regret, no more triggers.

You have the power to reclaim your peace. Let’s fight back together.

Start now with free resources and trainings on reactive defense, emotional and covert abuse, and more.

A trauma response happens automatically and involuntarily, without thinking about it in advance. It usually surprises the victim more than the abuser.

Here are some examples of what that can look like.

Examples of Reactive Abuse

When the victim feels overwhelmed with distress, fear, and powerlessness, their natural defense may be to scream, yell insults, or even physically lash out at their abuser to either clarify the false narrative being imposed upon them or cut off the abuser’s attack.

A person who does not normally curse, hit, or rage may find themselves doing these things in response to their partner’s abusive and controlling aggression.

When Children React

For example, a child whose parent abuses them feels defenseless against their attack.

They often don’t feel they have access to the fight response. Their level of dependency upon the adult, lack of autonomy, and fear limit them to freezing or fawning during a trauma response.

Some children, however, will flee or fight back. Usually, this takes place after recurring trauma or abuse. Some ways you might understandably see a child fight is by:

destroying something in the house
cursing at their parents
or telling them they hate them

Although the child is defending themself in the most powerful way they can, the abuser will likely blame and punish them.

Outsiders may assume the parent is doing all they can to help an “unruly” or “problem” child. Children are rarely believed and, therefore, rarely report abuse by a parent or caretaker.

On the inside, the child often feels guilt and shame for acting out. They depend on an adult to validate them and to be emotionally available, so when adults are abusive, emotionally or physically neglectful, punitive, or critical, the child develops a low sense of self-worth that can take a lifetime to change.

Recurring trauma during the developmental stages of life impacts the way a child’s brain develops. Trauma changes the brain. The child’s brain will develop an enlarged amygdala, like the accelerator in a car, and an underdeveloped hippocampus, which acts like the breaks in a car.

In other words, the child’s stress hormones and distorted brain development will result in limited access to cognitive functions, causing higher levels of reactivity and lower ability to self-regulate.

Example of an Adult’s Reaction

Perhaps a woman reacts to years of her husband’s abuse by hitting him with a skillet.

Or, she screams at him, calls him names, or slaps him.

When the police respond to the domestic violence call, her abuser, most often, presents in a calm and controlled manner while manipulatively telling them she assaulted him. She will readily admit she hit him, apologize, and try to explain.

Internally, she doesn’t know how to explain because she doesn’t understand why her mind and body reacted that way. Recurring trauma often causes cognitive thinking to be impaired, making the involuntary trauma responses more confusing to the victim and more wrongly judged by outsiders.

The police may see her as the abuser or one of two abusers. Rather than getting the help she needs, she will be blamed for reacting even though it may have taken place after months or years of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse.

While being interviewed by police, she is not able yet to manage her trauma responses, thus appearing emotionally unstable, weak, or lacking credibility. While at the same time, the actual abuser is calculated, remains calm, and controls the narrative.

Even in self-defense, reactive abuse behaviors can be violent and are frequently misinterpreted.

It can be difficult even for skilled responders, addressed below in the Confusion for Responders section.

Sometimes, the reactions are so violent we are left wondering if reactive abuse is justified or should be on an equal par with the original abuse.

If you wonder if reactive abuse is justified, keep reading:

Is Reactive Abuse Justified?

As you can see, reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting itself instinctively from a traumatic encounter or threat.

The person being harmed has little to no control over their response as it happens. The reaction is justified and sometimes necessary to stop the abuse.

Here’s why.

The brain responds to threats by commanding a flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response.

Fleeing is when the victim runs from the situation (e.g., walks out, locks themselves in a separate room, runs out the door, or leaves in their car). It is one form of self-defense aimed at protecting the person from their abuser.

Fleeing, like fighting, fawning, and freezing, feels like a natural response to them—they flee without even thinking about it.

The brain chemistry that causes them to flee isn’t significantly different than when their mind and body react by fighting back. Because fleeing isn’t an aggressive act toward the abuser, whether it’s justified isn’t a question we ask.

However, when a victim fights back in self-defense, the questions (and problems for the victim) begin.

With either fleeing or fighting, the brain directs the action. The traumatized individual often is unable to ignore the brain’s directive. The response is involuntary. It’s automatic.

Thus, determining whether reactive abuse is justified isn’t an appropriate question.

If it is reactive abuse, it’s done in response to abuse and is justified. The traumatized victim is defending themself from a continuous stream of abusive behaviors that have happened over time. One cannot compare the victim’s involuntary reactions to abuse that aims to power over and control another person. The motives are diametrically opposed.

The Danger of Reactive Abuse

Even though reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting the victim from the abuser’s emotionally or physically violent behavior, it usually does not protect the victim as much as it helps the abuser.

Let’s take a closer look:

The Advantage of the Abuser

Abusers rely on the victim to react rather than calmly respond. In actuality, the abuser baits the victim to get a reaction so they can shift the blame onto the victim. Abusers are often relentless in their efforts to push the victim to the breaking point, hoping they will react uncontrollably so the abuser can mislabel them as mentally ill, crazy, or abusive.

Abusers rely on the victim’s reactive outbursts to protect the abuser’s image and shift blame and responsibility for the conflict onto the victim.

Those with narcissistic tendencies thrive when they garner sympathy from friends and family members, including those closest to the victim. Narcissists are highly focused on their public image and are most potent when they garner positive attention.

Meanwhile, the victim loses whatever safe community they had and moves closer toward complete isolation. Public shaming effectively labels the victim as the problem.

Over time, once friends and family question the victim’s mental well-being, they side with the abuser.

This makes it nearly impossible for the victim to feel safe to ask friends or family for the help they desperately need and deserve.

Suppose the victim decides to leave the relationship. In that case, the abuser has already used his deceptive influence regarding the victim’s behaviors to continue their false narrative and control, ultimately scapegoating the victim.

In child custody court battles, for example, the abuser may highlight the reactive abuse to make the judge question the victim’s credibility and stability as a parent or blame the victim for being the abusive one.

Or to defend against the victim’s valid claims of domestic violence, possibly denying requests for protective orders.

Some states nullify the responsibility to pay spousal support if the abuser can frame the victim as the abusive one. Abusers use this loophole to mischaracterize and frame the victim. Having turned their community against them, their friends and family might end up testifying on the abuser’s behalf.

The fear of these potential outcomes successfully prevents the victim from seeking and receiving social support.

The Effect on the Victim

Of course, the same things that are advantageous to the abuser are the most damaging to the victim.

Internal confusion and self-doubt can make the victim feel they need to remain in the relationship because they either mistakenly believe they are equally responsible or don’t believe they’ll get the support they need if they leave.

All the while, the abuser is never held accountable.

Also, most victims are very confused to see themselves reacting abusively with their partners. The hitting, raging, or other toxic reactions are uncharacteristic of how the victim would normally react when dealing with a conflict.

Witnessing their own aggressive response (which comes without forethought) is surprising and concerning to them.

They try to stop reacting aggressively but fail. It is difficult, if not impossible, for victims to heal from their trauma symptoms while in an atmosphere of ongoing trauma. They are trapped in a cycle of abuse with impaired cognitive function, which makes healthy decision-making more difficult. Victims instinctively know that leaving the abuser will bring on escalated abuse and retaliation in ways the victim cannot know for sure. The anticipatory fear of the trauma to come leaves them paralyzed rather than empowered to leave.

The abuser compounds their guilt by calling the victim abusive or unstable.

Or, they feign concern for their emotional well-being, making the victim believe they are not well.

They might even offer to pay for the victim to seek professional help.

This increases the victim’s sense of self-doubt, makes them question their own sanity, and increases their sense of dependence on their partner while also establishing a therapeutic record of their tendency to react aggressively.

What victims often don’t realize is they likely have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or complex PTSD, which presents in myriad ways from anger, frustration, fear, paranoia, and other emotions and explains their uncharacteristic response to their partner. Complex PTSD is difficult to heal. C-PTSD alters their mind and body in overwhelming ways.

Often, with covert emotional abuse, the victim does not realize they are being abused, which results in confusion and high levels of stress about their circumstances.

High stress and confusion over an extended period of time will likely cause PTSD, making it nearly impossible to recognize a connection between their trauma symptoms, hidden forms of manipulation and abuse, and their reactive behaviors.

The longer high stress and confusion continue, the more stress hormones and the more mentally and physically compromised the victim becomes.

Fragmented thinking and communication increase; they involuntarily shake and are emotionally and physically exhausted. Their endocrine and immune systems often become compromised or collapse, resulting in numerous physical illnesses.

Each symptom primes the victim to become more compromised and reactive in ways that are not normal for them. The victim has limited access to executive functions in the brain.

Initially, they cannot control how they react, and it’s nearly impossible to understand why they react out of character.

Many feel significant shame and guilt long after they have left the abusive relationship.

Confusion for Responders

A common issue with reactive abuse is that responders mistakenly believe both people in the relationship are abusive or that the victim is the real abuser.

This happens because reactive abuse often includes the same types of destructive behaviors the primary abuser uses, and responders do not know how to recognize the signs of abuse and trauma in the victim, which tells a more accurate story.

They also fail to understand an abuser’s destructive belief systems and patterns of behavior or why victims react aggressively.

As soon as they see the violent nature of the victim’s response, it’s proof that the victim is the person to blame or that they are both abusers.

Many therapists and law enforcement personnel believe both parties are abusive. Experts, however, who specialize in trauma and abuse know otherwise.

Simply put, there are rarely two abusers in an abusive intimate relationship.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports on its website, “There is no such thing as mutual abuse.”

There is a pattern of power and control that makes “mutual abuse” virtually impossible in actual situations of domestic violence and also does not exist when so-called abuse is reactive.

People may engage in situational violence, which is not intimate partner violence.

But situational violence lacks the power imbalance existing in relationship abuse.

There is nothing mutual about a victim’s defensive reactions to their abuser’s controlling, antagonistic, manipulative, or aggressive behaviors.

When hidden forms of emotional abuse are present, outsiders are even less likely to see what is occurring or understand the impact the relationship has on the victim. The way the traumatized victim presents makes it more likely for others to believe the victim is the one who is out of sorts, lacking credibility, and guilty of the conflict in the relationship.

Hidden forms of abuse and manipulation are so confusing and difficult to identify and describe that victims cannot find the words to explain best what they are enduring or to advocate for themselves. Responders make the mistake of blaming the victim instead of helping them.

Instead, responders need to educate themselves about the dynamics of abuse and become aware of the relationship between hidden forms of emotional abuse and trauma.

Emotional abuse is the common thread in all relational abuse cases. Therefore, it is essential that people helpers and responders become educated to recognize these subtle aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors.

If they don’t, they risk causing further harm and trauma to the victim through their inadvertent or intentionally destructive responses.

How Can You Know When Violence is Reactive or Abusive?

So how can you tell who is the abuser and who is the victim in the couple before you? How can you know the difference when both are acting in an emotionally or physically violent manner?

To answer these questions, it’s essential to understand some of the signs of trauma.

Trauma and the Abuser

Trauma from abuse causes physical symptoms such as uncontrollable shaking or trembling, difficulty communicating effectively, fragmented thinking or communication, willingness to self-blame, emotional fragility, and autoimmune diseases or other unexplained physical illnesses.

Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation, vacillating between emotional outbursts, crying, anger, frustration, confusion, or complete disconnection from any emotion.

In contrast, the abuser shows a high level of skill when controlling their emotions, words, and physical stature, making them appear cool and calm compared to the victim’s frantic, insecure, or confused state.

Victims are also much more agreeable to accepting responsibility for their mistakes. They are naturally empathic and are eager to self-reflect. In contrast, the abuser has little to no inner critic or ability to self-reflect while directing his criticism toward his partner.

The abuser will say and do just about anything to avoid accountability and responsibility for their actions.

The victim will be highly traumatized by the abuser’s false narrative and false accusations—and the presence of law enforcement—and the victim will likely be incapable of articulating an accurate explanation to counter them.

Best Practices for Responders

As a responder (therapist, pastor, officer, social worker, etc.), it’s vital to ask about the history of behavior in the relationship and look for ways each person presents.

But keep in mind that the victim is confused and traumatized and may not have yet come to identify herself as a victim of abuse, so you may not receive the answers you expect when the victim responds.

Also, remember to separate the people in the relationship so the victim responds to your questions authentically and confidentially.

It’s wholly ineffective and damaging when responders require the abused person to answer questions in front of their abuser. You don’t need to know who the abuser is yet. Separate the two.

This includes parents and children. Far too often, children are asked, while in the presence of their abusive parent or family member, if they feel safe without taking into consideration whether fear is making it impossible for them to answer honestly.

Simply put, there’s little to no chance you’ll get to the truth if you keep them together.

Remember, mutual abuse is rarely, if ever, an objective way of thinking.

Please do not throw your arms up in frustration and walk away from the couple, pretending they are both abusers.

If you watch and listen closely, you will eventually begin to see clearly which person is responsible for the chaos.

A Note for Victims: What to Do If You’re the Victim Lashing Out

Many victims who react abusively to their abuser’s actions wonder if they are the actual abuser and experience considerable guilt about how they’ve behaved.

How can you be sure you're not an abuser? The fact that you're questioning yourself and are willing to consider the possibility strongly indicates that you're not. Abusers don’t self-reflect. They rarely accept full responsibility for their abusive actions. They blame the other person in subtle or overt ways.

When you are confused by your reactive outbursts, note it.

If those behaviors are uncharacteristic, do not assume you are mentally ill or abusive. The fact that those responses are uncharacteristic is essential.

The term reactive abuse means just that: you are the one reacting to abuse, not the one initiating abuse or to blame for it. Your abuser’s faulty thinking, distorted beliefs about interpersonal relationships, sense of entitlement, domineering attitudes, and focus on managing their public image at the expense of the victim are the pillars that describe an abusive mindset.

To be sure about what role you have assumed, seek help from a licensed professional experienced in emotional abuse and trauma, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or your local domestic violence shelter.

Another impactful resource is taking The MEND Project’s self-paced course, Finding Clarity. The course will provide you with clarity to overcome your prolonged state of high stress and confusion. It will also provide you with a comprehensive education regarding the dynamics and subtleties of abuse. You will gain the proper language to identify and name your experiences to more effectively advocate for yourself. You will gain valuable insight into the mind of the abuser. And so much more. Attendees who have taken our course regularly report that the four-module course saved them a year or more of therapy. It will jump-start you on your healing journey.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you have likely been emotionally beaten down and disparaged for a long time – months, years, or even decades.

Once you have gained clarity regarding the types of abusive patterns you’ve endured, the way you view yourself internally, and your lack of self-love and overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, it is an excellent next phase to work on with a therapist trained in abuse.

In the past, your focus has likely been on helping your abuser change. Nothing you do will change your abuser. You may be ready to set a firm boundary to separate from your abuser, which, in a few cases, may be a motivating factor for the abuser to desire from a well-spring inside themselves to do the lengthy hard work required to change.

We can only change our behavior and what we believe about ourselves, which will, in turn, will help us become more decisive about saying no to abuse.

Now, it’s time to examine your worth, value, and internal beliefs about yourself and your relationships.

A good goal is to attain confidence and deep self-love, which will help you shift your faulty beliefs about what you deserve, your feelings of low self-worth, and your identity to more healthy thoughts. Feelings flow from our thoughts and beliefs. Therefore, it’s essential to unpack our own distorted beliefs about ourselves.

Healing may be a long process, but don’t be discouraged. You are not alone. Thousands of victims have achieved emotional and physical health that has forever changed their lives.

You are worthy! You can do it!

Conclusion

Understanding reactive abuse is crucial in navigating the complexities of abusive relationships.

Victims who display reactive abuse are not abusers themselves; they are individuals reacting instinctively to protect themselves from destructive behaviors, abusive oppression, and ongoing harm.

The focus should always be on supporting and empowering victims to recognize their value and worth, tap into resources, seek support, and break free from abusive cycles.

By educating ourselves and others about the dynamics of abuse and trauma, we can provide better support and ensure that victims receive the understanding and assistance they genuinely need and deserve.