Someone I know is in a relationship impacted by abuse, what should I do?

THE VICTIM

Pain comes from witnessing someone we care about being abused. Pain also comes from witnessing someone we care about being the abuser. And the pain comes from not knowing how to help either one. Depending on what you witness, this pain can cause Vicarious Trauma, a form of trauma that comes from being a helpless witness to another’s trauma and not knowing how to intervene or, if knowing, not being able to.

Children who see one of their parents or a caretaker abuse their other parent or siblings are in the life-altering position of being vicariously traumatized, even if they themselves are never directly harmed. In fact, studies show children who witness abuse are negatively affected into their adult years by what they witness.

The survivor guilt that accompanies Vicarious Trauma can last a lifetime. These pages are intended to give some basic steps so that you can move from helpless to helpful, from being traumatized by someone else’s trauma to finding a path of healing.

If you initiate your own private intervention with a friend or family member who is being abused, you may not receive the welcome you expect. In fact, you may be warned away with a variety of responses:

• Nothing’s wrong
• I can handle it myself
• You’re going to make this worse
• There’s no way out

It’s easy to become discouraged by this, especially if you fear that your help might actually not be considered helpful. Leading abuse expert Lundy Bancroft (2002) says, “Empowerment and recovery for an abused woman can be a long process; the urge to find fault in her interferes with your ability to help her and ultimately colludes with the Alleged Perpetrator or with secondary abuse.”

We suggest using our healing model below as your guide.

Listening means that instead of retreating, tell your loved one that you are there to listen only. Then, listen, listen, listen. No judgments, no suggestions, no interpretations. Often when a victim/survivor is listened to, they may begin to hear (for themselves) and become more open to a later offer of intervention. Remember that the victim’s position did not occur overnight: they may feel it’s become the norm, or be so terrified that any thought of action is overwhelming. They are vulnerable and must be approached with empathy and compassion, not pity. Listen with big ears and a closed mouth. Do not even blame the abuser or try to hold them accountable to the victim. They may rise to their abuser’s defense.

Once that first step of listening opens even a slit in the door, you can move to the other five steps:

Accepting means to believe that what the victim/survivor says is true of their experience. This does not mean approval or blind acceptance of what they may or may not have done. It means that you accept that they are in a highly compromised position without knowing what to do, and they need you to accept their veracity, pain, fear, indecision, confusion for what it is: the story of their suffering.

Empathizing is the act of being able to put yourself in the other’s shoes, enough that you can feel what they are experiencing. Being able to feel empathy in current time with the victim/survivor’s situation will guide you in communicating your deep understanding, without negative judgment, evaluating, or telling them what to do. Empathizing will also guide you in offering them compassion and patience as they process and make their own decision. Lastly, empathy offers an emotional companionship along their journey to health and wellbeing.

Validating consists of mirroring back to your loved ones what you are understanding about what they are saying, not in a parroting way, but so that they can hear that you truly do comprehend not only the content of what they are saying but the meaning their experience has for them. Identifying is the act of assisting the abused to name their experience: this interaction helps them find their voice and their words to narrate what has been confusing. Identifying the abuse supports them in speaking their truth to those who can intervene and help them heal. Sometimes, it can be illuminating for you to name your own parallel experiences as examples, as long as when you use these examples the primary focus remains on developing their narrative instead of shifting to yours.

Encouraging is not a set of directives but your communication that you believe in them, that you will walk beside them, and know that with the right support they will have the courage to work their way out of the morass.

THE ABUSER

You are the front line. As a friend or family member, you have a better chance of successfully confronting an abuser than anyone else. More than their partner, therapist, the court, or anyone. They have the hardest time resisting or discrediting. you. They may easily dismiss the others on the list with a wave of their hand, or the charm of their smile, but when a loved one, other than the abused, steps in and confronts them, they are likely to experience some uncertainty for the first time (see Bancroft, 2002, p. 376). The abuser might then be willing to listen.

 

But you are on shaky ground. The abuser is still in Image Management Mode, so they will need to keep their world intact, including maintaining your view of them. To do this:

• They might make partial confessions to admit some wrongdoing in order to deflect attention away from the severity of their actions; they may give a litany of harsh criticisms about the victim and their treatment of the abuser. These may have snippets of truth but are riddled with deception and distortion, none of which actually justify any form or level of abuse.
• They may state and even believe they are the one who is being abused, because as the victim gains the ability to become more of an individual and finds their voice, the abuser may feel traumatized because the victim is threatening their worldview and the role they have played in the victim’s life.
• They may begin to fold you into the problem, even verbally abusing you via criticism, ridicule, denial, or placating. Keep affirming your willingness to listen, but be willing to confront as well.

Remember, abuse is always a choice, not a mistake, and it is never the victim’s fault. Between 2 and 10 percent of victims lie about abuse, whereas the majority of abusers lie about their actions. The pillars that abuse stands on are image management, a faulty belief system, and entitlement.

Our gift and responsibility when we are aware that abuse is occurring are to use our voices and our words to confront the abuse, even when the one causing harm is a loved one or friend, instead of using our voices and words to confront and accuse the victim. Abuse is its own category in various protocols because a professional or layperson’s fundamental charge is to Do No Harm. In holding to this idea, you must always be willing to hear what the victim can speak while holding their confidentiality.

For our guidelines on how to approach and help an abuser, follow our Accountability Model.