Teen Dating Violence: Could your child experience abuse?

Did you know that abuse does not discriminate? It can happen to anyone. Children, teens, adults and the elderly all can be victims of abuse. Violence happens in intimate partnerships, parent-child relationships, within the workplace, at church or school, and among teens who date. There is no minimum age requirement for abusive relationships, and the harsh reality is that violence within teen relationships is becoming more prevalent for teens at increasingly younger ages.

Did you know that in recent years the incidence of teen dating violence is on the rise? Why is that? Studies show that children are among the largest population of Internet pornography users and addicts probably because it is so easy to access and many children lack the oversight from adult caretakers who are technologically savvy enough to block a child’s access to porn. Unsupervised, pornography and similar media are teaching children that violence within intimate relationships is “normal.” In fact, it is said that due to its critical influence young people have come to “expect” violence in romantic relationships, paving the child’s path to accept teen dating violence. Unfortunately, it’s so prevalent that February has become Teen Dating Violence month. While we celebrate our partnership with other organizations to increase awareness of this important issue for youth, we are saddened by the fact that we need to do it at all. Children should never have to experience teen dating violence let alone come to “expect” violence within any relationship.

Statistics demonstrate that physical violence is also a harsh reality in young relationships. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 12% of high school females reported physical violence and approximately 16 % reported sexual violence from a dating partner. More than 7% of high school males report physical violence and 5 % of them report sexual violence from a dating partner in the same report. Of this age demographic, 26% of women and 15% of men experienced intimate partner violence for the first time before the age of 18.

Teen dating violence among LGBTQ+ youth is particularly alarming. A study of almost 5500 LGBTQ+ teens show that this population is at much greater risk of violence within intimate relationships than heterosexuals, both for physical and emotional abuse. According to the Urban Institute Study on Teen Dating Violence, 43% of LGBTQ+ youth reported physical violence in dating relationships, 59% reported emotional abuse, 37% reported cyber/phone abuse and harassment, and 23% reported sexual coercion. Transgender youth reported the greatest incidence of all forms of abuse within this community.

Romance is often glamorized and ingrained in our view of society from the passionate and perfect love stories we absorb in books, movies and on social media. Teens often dream of their first date, prom, and finding a prince charming or perfect girl. Our society often teaches youth that being well-liked, popular, or “normal” requires you to have romantic relationships at an early age, so many teens strive to achieve this, perhaps missing or ignoring the signs of an unhealthy relationship. What might seem like passionate, young puppy love on the outside can quickly turn into a manipulative and controlling relationship resulting in years of physical and emotional scars. And because many learn to expect violence or at least think they are supposed to be okay with it, they do not speak up about it even when it feels wrong.

Teens who experience dating violence as minors are often scared, unaware or don’t have the proper tools to recognize the violence and take protective action. When teens are stuck in an unhealthy relationship, it can breed a negative spiral leading to harmful coping mechanisms of substance, alcohol abuse and mental effects of depression and anxiety. They need your help.

By understanding the risk of teen dating violence, you have taken a crucial first step to being able to make a difference. Now, learning the following signs that a teen you care about might be experiencing abuse will position you to be a helpful advocate for them:

1. Their Partner Is Extremely Possessive and Jealous

A key way an abuser can control their partner is by acting jealous or possessive over them. Often, they will point to these traits as indicators of their love for their partner, feeding the victim’s own desire to be loved. Over time, the victim will try to reciprocate by spending less and less time with friends and family, because their partner is jealous of them or uncomfortable with their friends. The abuser essentially makes the teen decide between them or their friends and family. Perhaps they will tell you their partner doesn’t “feel comfortable around my best friend” or “they don’t feel like you like them.” As a parent or other first responder in their life, you will begin to notice the teen spending less and less time with friends and family and more time with their partner or in isolation.

2. You See Marks or Bruises On Your Child They Can’t Explain

You do not want to ignore it when your teen has bruises or other marks on their body they neither can explain, nor feel comfortable talking about. Often, they will become angry at the questioning as their instinct is to protect their partner or they might be embarrassed and experiencing significant shame about the abuse. This is a very important sign your teen is in a violent relationship and you do not want to ignore it.

3. Your Teen Becomes Very Anxious and Stressed When They Can’t Reply Immediately To Their Partner’s Communication

It’s one thing in the “crush” phase to want to reply immediately to every cute message you receive from your new romantic interest and to be frustrated when you cannot. That’s a normal part of the romance. But when you notice your teen becoming very nervous, anxious, or fearful when they can’t reply to their partner immediately, there might be something else going on. You may also notice your teen becoming fearful to communicate with their partner about changes in plans, or others events. What you could be seeing is their fear and concern about how to manage their partner’s negative emotions and reactions.

4. Your Teen’s Disposition Is Changing and They Appear Regularly Depressed or Anxious

You know your child. It’s important for you to trust your gut as a parent or other caring person in a teen’s life when it’s telling you that something is “off.” Pay attention to personality shifts that show the teen becoming more regularly depressed or anxious and isolated. Oftentimes, the child will also stop participating in extracurricular activities or other things that used to bring them joy. It could be another sign of depression.

As parents of teens, we can be tempted to attribute these signs to the normal awkwardness of teen years or hormone shifts. Even if that is the reason, please don’t make that assumption without spending time trying to talk to them about it. Walking teens through this time requires an incredible amount of unconditional love, patience and understanding. If you have concerns, reach out to them and give them a safe space to share what’s going on inside. Prepare yourself to hear anything they might say. Listen to them with a compassionate heart and do not judge or reprimand them for what they share. It’s important that they continue to feel safe or they will shut down and shut you out, making it almost impossible to get them the help they truly need.

In addition to finding a skilled therapist who specializes in working with teens, there are also many organizations, such as loveisrespect.org, who have free counseling, mentors and other resources to help you and your child. One of the key ways you can support your child is to learn more about teen dating violence and provide them with the opportunity to learn about it. Visit our website and share the Terms and Definitions of covert emotional abuse with them, the link is in our resource section below. This extremely effective tool will define behaviors that are not healthy making them more able to identify they are in a harmful relationship and choose to set boundaries against their abusive partner. It is important for teens to know that their voice matters and to empower them to firmly use it.

Finally, please share this blog with others to help increase awareness about this important issue. For an easy way to share, simply click on one of the links below and technology will set you up to share on Facebook, Instagram, or by email.