“I wasn’t a participant in my own life for a while,”
Have you ever felt this way? Is there someone in your life who treats you as if you aren’t a valuable person or as if you aren’t competent enough to take charge of your own life?
Keep reading; oftentimes, learning the words and labels that define our emotional abuse experiences is the empowerment we need to move forward and make a change.
Although she didn’t say so directly, Moore’s description of her previous marriage sounds a lot like withholding, which is the most toxic emotional abuse tactic of all.
Traditionally, many think of withholding as denying sex or affection. This is one form of it, and a spouse or partner who refuses to show affection without offering an explanation is certainly withholding a valuable and needed aspect of a healthy union. (However, refraining from sex or affection because you do not feel comfortable with the act or do not trust the other person is actually a healthy form of boundary-setting, and it should not be confused with withholding, which is never done for a healthy reason).
But even more common and perhaps more damaging than refusing to engage in affection is when an individual tries to control or domineer over another person by refusing to authentically communicate.
There are myriad ways in which withholding can manifest. A few examples are:
- A co-worker who is collaborating with you on a project and refuses to share pertinent information from the client so that you appear incompetent to your boss.
- A spouse who doesn’t allow you to talk on the phone with your family or denies access to basic needs like driving privileges.
- A spouse who doesn’t acknowledge your words in a conversation. Maybe it’s at the dinner table with others present or in a group.
- A “friend” who minimizes your successes and gets angry and bullies if you do not tend to their every need and whim.
Similar to gaslighting, withholding makes the victim feel as if they are isolated, ignored or do not have control over their own lives. One of the reasons it’s so damaging is because the victim cannot do anything to stop it; their only hope for relief is to leave the situation or rid themselves of the abuser.
You cannot force authenticity out of someone; that’s a personal choice. To a victim who feels trapped in a circumstance or relationship with someone who withholds, every instance of abuse sends the message, “You don’t deserve to be treated well.”
This is false. You don’t deserve days of silent treatment. You don’t deserve to be yelled at for exercising freedom. You don’t deserve to have your schedule and privileges regimented like a parent does for a child.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar to you, we encourage you to remove yourself from the person or relationship inflicting withholding sooner rather than later. It’s not important if other people say you’re overreacting, because they don’t understand what you’re enduring unless they’ve been in your position. It’s not important if your abuser says that you aren’t allowed to leave or don’t deserve happiness, because you do deserve it and can have it.
What’s important is that you seek healing from emotional abuse. Talk to a counselor or trusted friend if you aren’t sure where to start. We are rooting for you.
Thank you for your article. This is my life to a T. My husband denies me any form of affection. Only speaks to me if he has been spoken too. Dose not communicate the normal things that a husband and wife would. Makes all the financial decisions without consulting me. Keeps major financial information a secret from me. All because he believes I don’t act the way he believes I should. If I try to communicate my feelings he turns it back on me and how I do this and how I’m this and that! I always end up feeling worse than I did before. I know I need to leave but I’m scared he will leave me financially ruined and that I will slowly be left out of my teenage boys life because they will choose their father.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I understand the concern you have in leaving. Please know that you are not alone. As you can see from our stories of healing, what you are experiencing is all too common. You are not crazy. But the caution you are experiencing is also understandable.Unless your life is in danger, before you leave, it’s essential that you connect with an advocate through a domestic violence organization or shelter. DV agencies offer more than just shelter (although shelter is wonderful). They can help to educate you on the legal and personal steps you should be taking to determine whether you are prepared enough and ready to leave safely. Your safety is our primary concern. We see you are on the path of healing, as you clearly have some of the clarity you need to navigate the steps you need to take. We are for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com.