In this brave abuse survivor story, you’ll meet Jessica—who experienced covert, verbal, and emotional abuse from her narcissistic husband.
In listening to her story, you’ll gain insight into:
- How destructive these types of abuse can be
- The fact that just because there is no ‘physical’ abuse, that doesn’t mean that abuse is not present
- How being subjected to this kind of abuse can be incredibly destructive to your life
- And how easy it can be for Double Abuss to occur when abuse is reported
Let’s talk about it.
The Kind of Abuse I Experienced Was So Hard to Explain…
I had done or said something that set him off.
My intentions never mattered.
He had already assigned enormous meaning to whatever it was—and my attempt to clarify, explain, empathize, or talk through, had no bearing on what happened next.
In his mind, I blew it.
Therefore, I caused him to attack me or ice me out, and I was now to be punished for an undetermined amount of time, or until he decided I had “learned my lesson.”
Sometimes I could feel his whole demeanor shift out of the blue—a dark coldness would grow until it seemed to consume him.
Those were the days I really had to walk on eggshells because one misstep on my part could catapult him into an angry flurry of condemnation toward me.
Panic would set in.
Had I vacuumed today? Was everything in its “proper” place? Did I shower too long? Were there dishes still in the sink? Did I leave him enough room in the driveway to fit his car? Were the children playing too loud?
If I go to the store, will he accuse me of abandoning him?
It was almost as if I had to hold my breath while in his presence, because he would interpret even a glance from me in his direction as disrespect or hatred toward him.
Yet, I knew, deep down, that no matter how hard I tried, the storm would hit
Because in his world, everything was always my fault.
She Started Seeking Help for Her Marriage
As a Christian woman, my heart was always for my marriage.
My prayers were not just for my husband to be more kind and loving.
I prayed the same for myself, begging God to make me into exactly what my husband needed.
I sought out support from my church and through counseling.
Over the course of our marriage, we saw 5 different marriage therapists for extended periods of time, met with 3 different marriage mentor couples, and 2 different pastors—all for the purpose of helping us in our marriage.
When he refused to go anymore because he did not like what the therapist was saying to him, I kept going.
Unfortunately, Seeking Help Often Only Led to Double Abuse
The advice I often got, while well-intentioned, usually had nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with me.
Actually, the advice was usually for me to model the words, actions, and heart I wanted from him.
They never felt he was “ready” to be confronted.
Essentially, I was encouraged to be his “teacher.”
And while waiting for him to change, I was told to just be patient and keep praying.
Yet, the Abuse Continued
The crazy-making, gaslighting, character assassinating, name-calling, and regular berating continued.
For over 7 years, I waited.
He Was ‘Likable’ in Public
It was confusing because he presented like such a good guy to people.
His generosity and over-the-top kindness to the outside world laid the foundation for his “good guy” persona.
But at home, he was someone entirely different.
I lived in a war zone of landmines I would inadvertently trip with just a word or a look.
In his mind, I was always failing.
Home Became a Battle Ground
For example, I made a home-cooked meal from scratch almost every night.
He would “offer” to do the dishes.
However, this was not a genuine offer—because if I took him up on it, I was sure to be punished later.
I can recall several times he insisted on doing them, only to later attack me for being so selfish as to make him do the dishes after he worked so hard that day.
The name-calling would follow, calling me selfish, unloving, and ungrateful.
It was the same story if he took out the trash, came home to any sort of mess in the house, if I was on the phone when he returned from work, if I sat down to watch TV, if I spent too long in the boys’ room putting them to bed, if I spent any time at all with friends, or if I did something for myself.
I never knew what would set him off, and I never knew how long it would last.
I did, however, know it would always involve him attacking my character and calling me names.
Even When Spending Time With Friends, She Could Not Escape It
I can recall one incident where we had gone to lunch with a couple he knew through business.
During our 3 hours together, I left the table for 5 minutes to use the restroom once, and again for 10 minutes to say hello to a friend.
Both times, I returned to our table with smiles from my husband and immediately re-engaged in conversation with his friends.
As we walked out with the other couple to leave, he held my hand.
I was feeling so grateful for a good afternoon together without any blow-ups.
He was happy with me… at least until we were alone in the car, where he proceeded to berate me for “abandoning” him for “over an hour”.
Then came the character attacks, telling me how selfish and unloving I was, how I humiliated him, how his friends looked at him with such “sadness” that he had me for a wife, how awful I was, and on and on and on.
These insults cut me to my core and hurt more than any physical punch ever could.
Defending Herself Seemed Pointless
Of course, I defended myself—thus engaging with his lies, trying to convince him he was wrong about me.
What a waste of my breath—because defending myself only gave him more ammunition to launch at me about what an “ungodly wife” I was.
- “Listen to how you’re speaking.”
- “You have no business being on the prayer team.”
- “God is not even in you.”
- “I feel so sorry for your children, they will grow up to hate you.”
Having those curses and character assassinations screamed over you daily—it changes you.
It robs you of your true identity and you cannot help but start to believe them.
This is the crazy-making.
Groveling and Begging for Forgiveness Only Made Things Worse
The only way I could bring “peace” back to our relationship after an episode like this was to grovel, beg for his forgiveness, promise to do better, and come into agreement with his abusive words.
So that is what I would do.
It’s what I HAD to do in order to stay and survive.
But every time I did that, I sacrificed a piece of my heart and soul until eventually, I was a walking shell of who I once was.
I was desperate to have a healthy marriage.
I was willing to own every part of me that was broken in order to stay married. The problem was, I also owned all of his brokenness.
Double Abuse Ran Rampant
Unfortunately, some Christian leaders or therapists we sought out for help enabled me to continue that.
I was told to “love him through it,” “model it for him,” “be the example,” “keep praying,” and “just be patient.”
Most therapists were too afraid to call out any of his narcissism or covert abuse in front of him, because they said he just was not capable of hearing it; that he would just end therapy.
So in private with me, they would acknowledge this was his diagnosis.
However, that did me no good because they continued to meet with us as a couple and kept treating us for a “broken marriage” when the root issue was his narcissistic covert abuse.
He Was So Good at Keeping Me ‘Off Balance’ With the Cycle of Abuse
He would never apologize. But when I did, and we came back together (meaning he started talking to me again and treating me like I existed), I would be lulled back in.
Desperate for connection and intimacy with him, I would think each time might be the one where I could open up and be vulnerable.
But he would always eventually use any information I shared in vulnerability with him against me, wielding my fears and insecurities like a sword.
If I were struggling with how to connect with my son and how to discipline him, he would initially listen, leading me to believe we were partnering to find a solution together.
That is, until it served him to use against me with… “You’re a terrible mother, he doesn’t feel safe with you, he’s afraid of you, your children will grow up to hate you, they only tell you they love you because they fear you, you are evil!”
When I shared my childhood traumas with him; mistakes I had made in my life, regrets I had, etc. they would always be thrown back in my face whenever it served his ego.
He used it as evidence against me in order to condemn me.
It was his way of keeping me in a state of shame for my past.
I was easier to control and manipulate then.
Finally, She Had Enough
Until I heard the word ENOUGH! It was in my head, out of my body, perhaps a voice from heaven.
But it was loud and clear, and it spoke to the core of my being.
ENOUGH!
I had lost my father over the period of a summer, riddled with hospitals, convalescent homes, and eventually hospice.
My mother was shut down and the decisions for his care were solely on me.
I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
I recall the day I had toured 4 hospice homes, and the brokenness I felt knowing I was about to place my dad in one of these homes for him to die in.
I returned to my home that night, my husband playing his guitar.
He had been home all day and knew what I was doing.
He never offered to go with me.
He never even asked me how I was when I returned.
When we laid down to go to bed, he finally said something to me.
He said, “So, should I just start masturbating since we don’t have sex anymore?”
My father died 12 days later.
Not only did my husband never once ask if I was ok or how I was doing after my father’s death, but he got angry and attacked me for being “self-absorbed and selfish.”
As a punishment, he did not even stay with me at my father’s memorial because he had a haircut that day and in his words, “someone needs to work and look good in this family.”
In the rawness of my grief, I finally saw that his brokenness had nothing to do with me.
She Realized That She Couldn’t Change Him
I could not pray him into a different being.
He would never stop berating me.
And my love for him would never be enough.
His sick value came from making me feel like nothing, from breaking my spirit.
I had waited longer and worked harder than I ever should have.
Something in me snapped.
My eyes were opened for just long enough to see that he was the selfish one—and these were his issues.
I could not keep living this way.
I wanted to die.
I had sacrificed every part of my self-worth.
I finally left because staying would have killed me.
It was enough… enough of the verbal and emotional abuse.
It was ABUSE
Whether anyone saw it or not, no matter what he told people, the smear campaigns he would launch through emails about how evil I was, how I did not belong on any ministry teams at church because I was so cruel and unloving to him… ENOUGH!
I had finally started letting friends into my truth, pulling the curtain down, and sharing the ugliness with them.
I was breaking free from his isolation.
That was how he kept me under his control, telling me I was not allowed to share our “issues” because that would make me an unloving and non-submissive wife.
Those I shared with spoke truth in love to me and called it what it was – ABUSE.
Whereas pastors, therapists, and mentors, all well-intentioned professionals, struggled with calling it actual abuse.
- Because he didn’t hit me?
- Because I would engage in the fighting, trying to protect my heart?
- Because they did not want to condone divorce?
The Abuse Was Deeper Than Physical
True, there were no stitches or black eyes to give way to my broken spirit.
No, the bruising and pain I endured went much deeper than surface wounds.
It cut me at my core. It left me exhausted and paranoid, questioning my value and worth constantly, battling voices in my head that tore me down, lies he spoke over me for years, which became my sick truth.
Oh, this kind of abuse is the most insidious because it eats away at you from the inside out—and only those you are vulnerable with can see how deeply damaged you are.
It is covert abuse at its finest.
And its perpetrator maintains a calm, smiling image—playing the victim card, gaslighting you, often a do-gooder to the outside world.
Leaving Was the Right Thing—but It Wasn’t Easy
My husband has proceeded to join multiple non-profit organizations, where he gets accolades galore from acquaintances on social media, feeding right into his narcissism.
Ironically, or more expectedly, he is now accusing me in court of perpetrating the very abuse he lobbed at me our whole marriage.
I left my 4 bedroom home 2 ½ years ago with no job or income, moving my children and I into a single room in someone else’s house.
Leaving him did not stop him from being an abusive narcissist.
But it stopped me from being on the receiving end of his abuse.
It gave us the space we needed to start processing and to gain perspective.
It allowed actual healing to begin, and growth to happen.
Still, Healing Does Not Come Slowly
I had to rewrite 8 years of verbal assaults spoken over me.
I had to practice healthy communication and conflict resolution.
I had to heal.
None of that could have happened while living with him.
I had lived in a constant state of survival, never knowing what would set him off and how I would be assaulted.
My children had learned to live in it too, having to run to their rooms to hide or jump into the car to flee at a moment’s notice.
Two weeks after we had left, as we sat in the little room we were renting, my then 8-year-old son said to me, “I like it here. My stomach doesn’t hurt here.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“My stomach hurt all the time at our other house, but it doesn’t hurt here. I like it.”
Those words ripped the air from my lungs.
I had tried so hard to protect my kids from the abuse, to have plans in place when he would start in on me about something because when he started, he would not stop.
Perhaps because the insults were not being hurled at them, I didn’t see my kids as victims.
Perhaps because I had devised escape plans, which we learned to execute quickly and I had tried to make it more “fun” than flight, I thought they were fine.
In this moment, my 8-year-old destroyed the façade I had been operating in and showed me the ugly truth. I needed to hear that.
The Truth Is Finally Exposed
Not long after I left, I decided to reach out to his ex-wife.
He had painted her out to be everything he had accused me of being—and I realized, perhaps, her experience with him was similar to mine.
I was still searching for validation that it wasn’t my fault, that I hadn’t somehow caused him to treat me this way.
My conversations with her brought validation to both of us.
When we talked, I learned that he had done the exact same things to her.
He tore her apart and condemned her with the very same words he used to condemn me… to a tee.
It was no more her fault than it had been mine.
I was not crazy.
I did my fair share of unhealthy things, but the abuse was not my fault.
It was never, ever my fault.
Thank you for this. I’ve been living this for four years and I’m broken. This is galvanizing. It is like you wrote from my experiences and my heart.
I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing this in your relationship. I am glad you are being validated through Jessica’s story. She is a special woman who is now on the other side of the abuse she experienced and is healing. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com if we can support you further in your journey.
Thank you for sharing! I have been living like these for 8yrs. Exact story. I lost my dad last year. He was never there and never understood me while I was grieving. I was broken. His words and blaming games just tore me apart.
Mind-blowing really..I’m so sorry your partner couldn’t support you through one of the most devastating losses. Please let us know how we can support you and help you.
I was married for 25 years to a man who used withholding as his first line of abuse. He was great with excuses. he would say he “didn’t need much” and never offer anything of his own free will, ignoring any and all distress I was under. Then say it was my fault for “not asking…or, not taking his advice”. This was covert control….if I cried or yelled in frustration, I was told to “read my Bible”…. by ignoring everything, he caused more work, more stress and “appeared” innocent while doing it. He was always prepared to contradict me…so that his work load was less. but willing to “drink and eat…in exchange for friendship or trading labor”. He was always prepared to “keep me under his thumb”….he would tell me I was crazy when I caught on….had me seeing therapists….and told me I needed to learn to “go along to get along”.
I was to be his slave……only the more I was conditioned to accept less….the more he continued to give less….until I was broken. Then he would cry..apologize and do whatever it took to get me to take him back…only to do it all over again….eventually telling me he was tired of these “circular arguments”.
He eventually told me I needed to read “The art of War”…and I realized I was not crazy. He was playing mind games to keep me under his control. To feel cool and look cool to “the guys”.
He told me I didn’t know how to be a friend, that I needed to figure out what I was doing wrong to make people not like me because and grow a thicker skin. He stole 25 years of my life but I’m free today.
SO grateful you are free today! It’s amazing how under their control and how much they manipulate the Bible or other things meant for good but used by them to control you. We hope you are healing well and celebrating life and freedom! Thank you for validating Jessica through your comment!
Thank you for sharing your story Jessica. It’s like you had an eye view into my life. I’m living this nightmare right now, 8 1/2 years of pain. I constantly am trying to make sure I’m not crazy, but I can see that this is happening to other woman, just like me. I am in the process of leaving and it’s hard, but I have to for my own sake of mind. Thank you again for sharing.
I really needed to read this today. Very grateful for this story. As a Christian it feels like all is unseen-buying into insecurities about pending judgement & further character assassination and injustice other than just in the home. I’ve often questioned whether I am the problem as the withholding, neglect and twisting-followed by I’m sorry until the next trigger and blame has had me broken and angry.
Rachel – so glad you found us and Jessica’s story. This story resonates so completely with many people…it should remind you that you’re not alone. I hope you are encouraged to continue moving forward in the direction of healing and freedom from narcissistic abuse. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com if we can help you in any way. – Stephanie
same and I left and he also as arrested and made to admit to his last assault and false imprisonment which part was dropped the false imprisonment and he was offered a plea. You have no say in the sentencing, you can write a impact statement however most times even though you tell them it happened over and over they get off from it and get it expunged so they can work. I decided as long as future LE can know the truth but I feel often times even with evidence and what you tell them they still do not believe you. Women have to go through so much just to be believed because of how smooth their other persona is in public. We have to go through constant stress of worry from every angle that they do not believe or think we caused it even when you have bruised or physical evidence or they email you and apologize.
I am going through my divorce. I stayed too long and am older and married in my mid forties.
I know that the bible does not teach a woman needs to stay with someoen mentally, emotionally and physically dangerous. I should have left the first week when knew things were off and something was drastically wrong, instead stayed over 13 years.
I hope all women involved with these type men who hide their true self from everyone except their wife will leave early on as soon as you see it and spare yourself the heartache,
The only reason staying longer may help is you finally have so much evidence that you have zero doubt that you made the right decision and to give NO MORE chances.
Some of these men have high up jobs or careers and connected in so much also another area that makes things so profoundly hard to be heard much less believed.
Women have to learn to believe in their impressions and what they know to be true and just leave before it gets worse or you end up hurt very badly or dead.
Even if someone does not experience physical abuse the emotional abuse and gaslighting, the lying and all the things that goes along with it is just reasons to leave.
The scene she wrote related to how they become once you get in the car and their persona changes and you are always blamed or some negative things they say or do once on one is around is very familiar.
I think it is a spiritual warfare and that Satan uses these men or sometimes women to inflict as much harm on a decent good wife and it is that “we wrestle not against flesh and blood but spiritual forces in high places”
I think these type men can get to the best of us and it is nothing less than bullying and mind control and sick abuse.
Most of these types are emotionally a child and have extreme and profound issues however they can convince any court or any counselor that you are the problem.
I say get out before they drive you crazy because there is nothing worse than not being believed, being abused and having your character defamed or having your own reactions that can happen after years of their lying, gaslighting abuse and “flying monkeys”. I am so glad we did not have children, as cannot imagine how much more difficult would be to leave because many of us are dependent in some form however your life and emotional wellbeing is more important. If you do not leave you will end up broken beyond repair or worse. MIne it seems using substances and lies so much denies but I found evidences and the court will not make them tell you the truth nor will they tell you what has been going on when you finally report an assault, Same if sexual acting out in the community, they will not disclose it to the wife so if your spouse lies pathologically and things seem off at home as you find things that seem he is doing something sexually somewhere, you will never be told the truth or even if they fail a drug test or are caught doing something deviant. The entire abuse situation is just terrible all around for women bc to me it extends into the courts and when they are arrested there is all kinds of counseling and help for them, they are assigned a public defender and you are assigned no one.. Mine showed zero signs of violence before the marriage. I never called any previous wife, however I cannot believe the events just ocurred with me as well as he was offensive in public to people. I also was cursed at and called horrible misogynstic names for years on end as well as my faith maligned. I consider myself a strong person spiritually however these type break you. Get out and if you have chidlren even more reason because it will also affect them.
If you were not a bitter person and were a person who forgives and loves and trusts over and over, if you stay too long you will end up bitter and it takes a lot of work to get yourself back. Never let any person church or not try to convince you to stay with an abuser, all of whom rarely change. Get out and stay out, never go back and do not look back. Learn from those of us who did. There is not perfect human being but these types do not play fair and if you stay long enough you will start experiencing your own unhealthy anger and they will use it against you and try to get you in trouble. Dont play with fire, these are not normal marriages or men and is from the enemy, satan to attack women. That is how I see it.
Being alone may not seem what someone wants however it is much better than living a lie or being someone to use and abuse and where if you stay long term you end up with only regrets and deep hurts and lies. to me they are like lucifer and if they want to change they can pray and ask God on their own. Is not our responsibility to “save” or “help” them.
It is our responsibility to “save” our wellbeing and life and sanity and our relationship with God and our spirit not have it broken. And by spirit I mean our soul as in who we are in God or our positive or good in life.
please help me, I’ve been married 8 yrs with my wife. I love her so much and in love with her, no body sees the side of her I do. she’s so mean to me sometimes, she says I abuse her, she calls me selfish and says I play the victim. I love her so so much she’s not like that all the time. it’s the same never know when she switches. shes also been diagnosed with bi polar. I just need help, I also don’t feel like living anymore but I have kids I love very very much. please help me in anyway
Thank you for sharing your heart and a piece of your story. It’s really hard when someone you love can be both kind and hurtful. We have several free resources on our website as well as a course that will provide you with great clarity and hope for healing.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out for support—info@themendproject.com. And seek the support of someone in your community, whether a therapist who is trained in abuse and trauma or the ear of a trusted friend. Your well-being is important, not just for you but for your kids, too. You deserve to be listened to and supported.
You’re not alone. Sending you strength and care!
My God your story brought me to tears and I also grateful you got out from under that life depriving liar! I relate so much so with how the abuser would punish you and how you had to shield your babes in creative ways to keep them safe. It's heartbreaking to say the least! I am so sorry you were treated so horribly during your father's end stages in life! my heart broke reading your story but knowing that part is finally over and you can will and are a miracle of healing gives me much hope so thank you thank you thank you for sharing your story but even more so thank you for being a beacon of HOPE!
Yes, it’s an important story to tell. We are thankful Jessica was willing to be vulnerable by sharing her personal story. We are always looking for those who are willing to share. Reading other’s stories helps many to come to the realization that they are not alone. They are not to blame. There is no reason to feel shame. It’s not your fault. The responsibility for abuse solely belongs to the one causing harm. Take good care. Love, Annette