¿Alguna vez te has preguntado por qué las víctimas se mantienen en silencio sobre los abusos que han sufrido?
En este artículo, desentrañaremos la respuesta a esta pregunta.
Contaremos con:
¡Vamos a echar un vistazo!
Qué es útil para comprender
Como persona ajena, es difícil entender cuando alguien que solía estar cerca de ti y compartir tu vida de repente deja de hacerlo y oculta detalles de su relación. Tal vez no parezca el amigo que conocías antes.
Al verlos cómo se vuelven poco a poco un esqueleto de su antiguo yo, podrías empezar a pensar: “Nunca me permitiría encontrarme en esa situación”. O podrías pensar en ti mismo que si tú Estuvimos en la misma situación, ustedes Nunca permanecería en silencio. Sin duda, acudiría a tus amigos para pedir ayuda. ¿No sería así?
Lo que es útil y importante saber es que los abusos no ocurren de una sola vez.
Cómo comienza el abuso
Una relación abusiva no comienza con un puñetazo.
No es tan obvio como uno podría pensar.
La mayoría de las relaciones abusivas comienzan con un comienzo increíblemente positivo y romántico, en el que la víctima se vincula a su pareja, que la abunda de amor.
De formas más sutiles, los comportamientos abusivos se producen poco a poco con el tiempo. Tras muchas tentativas fallidas de resolver el conflicto, la víctima comienza a sentir la necesidad de guardar silencio. Se siente abrumada por la duda y la confusión.
Además, la mayoría de las víctimas no entienden que lo que están experimentando es abuso.
El abuso puede ocurrir a cualquiera
Abuso Esto le pasa a todas las personas.
Lo hace no Discriminar a las personas. Las víctimas pueden ser hombres o mujeres y tener orígenes diversos en cuanto a etnia, situación económica o nivel educativo.
Cuando alguien se pregunta si está siendo abusado o se da cuenta de que su relación está sufriendo abusos, probablemente se sintirá avergonzado y temeroso y podría ser obligado a permanecer en silencio. Esto hace que sea difícil para una víctima hablar sobre los abusos que sufrió.
Hay varias razones convincentes por las que las víctimas mantienen el silencio mientras están en una relación abusiva.
¿Por qué las víctimas de abuso mantienen silencio?
Hay varias razones por las que las víctimas mantienen silencio mientras están en una relación abusiva:
Algunos de esos motivos incluyen:
- El estigma del abuso
- Abuso doble®
- Miedo a las represalias
Examinemos cada uno de estos aspectos de cerca.
El estigma del abuso
El estigma del abuso es real.
Incluso si la víctima gana un poco de confianza y decide hablar sobre el abuso, el estigma la hace replantearse.
¿Por qué? Pues bien, en nuestra cultura sigue siendo una realidad que muchas personas ven a las víctimas con desprecio o incredulidad.
Muchas personas no entienden el abuso ni tienen conocimiento de cómo las personas terminan en relaciones destructivas. Su respuesta puede ser muy perjudicial para la víctima.
Esto se puede ver en las historias que son las protagonistas de los titulares en las noticias o en las redes sociales. A menudo, cuando una víctima se hace pública, la respuesta de sus comunidades sociales o profesionales suele ser desconfiar de ella, oponerse a ella, suprimirla, criticarla, rechazarla o apartarla.
Por ejemplo, todos recordamos al Dr. Larry Nassar y a la Federación Estadounidense de Gimnasia.
Una y otra vez, La víctima se convierte en el acusado dentro de sus círculos de contacto cercanos.
Aunque la mayoría de las víctimas no tendrán que compartir su historia en una plataforma pública, el mensaje para ellas se ha hecho claro: Muchas personas no quieren creer que ocurra el abuso.
Con el tiempo, las personas que viven en relaciones abusivas pierden la fuerza de su identidad personal y sufren una fuerte dificultad para afrontar la duda sobre sí mismas.
Con mayor frecuencia, su abusador los ha desvalorizado constantemente. Los culpaban a la víctima utilizando diversas acusaciones falsas.
Esto hace que la idea de revelar la vida secreta del abuso que han vivido sea muy difícil para la víctima.
Este estado vulnerable, junto con el estigma del abuso, hace casi imposible creer que serán bien recibidos cuando lo revelen a otra persona.
Hasta que la víctima se vuelve tan desesperada que arriesga ser juzgada, parece más fácil para ella permanecer en silencio.
Abuso doble®
Muy a menudo, cuando la víctima finalmente encuentra el coraje para pedir ayuda, se encuentra:
- Minimizado
- No creía
- Culpar
- Sancionado
- Ostracizado
- Vergonzoso
- Despreciado
- Silenciado
Cuando una persona responde de esta manera, lo llamamos “Abuso doble.”
Usamos el término “abuso doble” porque la respuesta agrava el trauma del abuso original, añadiendo otra capa de sufrimiento y creando un sentimiento de desesperanza e impotencia.
Esto a menudo lleva al trastorno de estrés postraumático a un trastorno de estrés postraumático complejo.
Las personas que responden a alguien que ha sido víctima de abuso pueden tener prejuicios inconscientes contra quienes afirman sufrir daño.
O bien, pueden no tener educación ni información sobre formas saludables y útiles de responder a una persona que ha sido abusada.
Sea cual sea la razón, Estos tipos de respuestas no son correctas.
El proyecto MEND fue fundado por Annette Oltmans para acabar con el abuso doble.
Observó que era un hilo común en cada historia individual de todas las entrevistas que había realizado con cientos de víctimas.
Nuestro equipo sigue viendo esta tendencia en casi todos los países. cada historia compartida Con nosotros.
El miedo a la represalia
Hay subtiles insinuaciones que la víctima recibe del abusador a lo largo de su relación, que la llevan a creer que si habla de lo que ha sufrido, habrá consecuencias. Estos mensajes sugieren: No pueden decir nada a nadie lo que ocurra en su relación, o habrá represalias.
Su pareja también puede decirles directamente que su relación es confidencial y sagrada y que los detalles sobre ella no deben ser compartidos con nadie.
Si la víctima comparte algo inocentemente con un amigo y su pareja se entera de ello, es probable que se ofenda o se enfade con la víctima.
Podrían castigar a la víctima por su revelación El tratamiento silencioso o difamar a la víctima ante los demás para socavarla y hacerle creer que no puede compartir nada sobre la relación con los demás.
Invertí en la relación, La víctima promete no volver a compartir, esperando que la paz regrese a su relación.
También puede ocurrir que el abusador amenace a la víctima con sabotear su reputación o su carrera profesional, dañar a sus hijos, destruir o dañar su propiedad, o incluso con violencia física.
Una víctima que vive en un entorno abusivo sabe por experiencia que el agresor es capaz de cumplir sus amenazas si la víctima lo revela a alguien ajeno a la relación.
El miedo que experimentan es eficaz para lograr el objetivo del abusador.
El miedo Silencia a la víctima.
Incluso sin amenazas explícitas de violencia, la víctima sabe instintivamente que será castigada si habla con alguien más.
Como resultado de la dinámica destructiva en su relación, viven en un estado constante de miedo y estrés.
Al final, el miedo de que decirle a otra persona podría agravar el abuso silencia a la víctima.
Conclusión
Esperamos que se sientan informados y preparados cuando una víctima encuentre el valor para romper el silencio y acuda a usted para pedir ayuda.
Adquirir una comprensión más profunda y conocer mejor la dinámica compleja y complicada de los abusos en una relación es clave para entender por qué las víctimas siguen en silencio.
Es esencial que cree un espacio donde ellos puedan experimentar su compasión y sentirse seguros para hablar de todo lo que han pasado.
Puedes ser la luz que ellos necesitan y que merecen. Puedes llevar a una víctima a la seguridad y la sanación a través de una escucha compasiva, empatía, validación y la paciencia necesaria para permitir que las víctimas hagan elecciones que mejor se adapten a sus necesidades en el momento. ellos Elige.
¿Por qué la comunidad psiquiátrica y la APA no han organizado una campaña colectiva para presionar a nuestro gobierno para que promulgue leyes efectivas de Control Coactivo para proteger a las víctimas contra todas las formas de Crímenes Domésticos (dejen de llamar a esto "violencia doméstica", ya que el término "crímenes domésticos" es mucho más preciso)?
Cientos de años de esta mierda y aún así no se puede analizar ni percibir adecuadamente estas situaciones "abusivas" en Crines; en este caso se está hablando del muy grave delito de fraude a la vida que es el Crimen de Amor. Sin embargo, todos conocemos la artimaña y el fraude.
The correct response to this serious Crime is to Remove The Perp from the home (when it is taking out the trash or at work in the parking lot or some other public location), all conductee by a separate group that may work wirh the police if necessary but is handled by a different department and handled way way way more sensitively as everyone in the home is potentially vulnerable, something the police are too insensitive and dangerous to handle carefully.
The Correct Response eliminates any and all inappropriate stigma. The victims would suffer far far less. All victims would now have full rights and recourse to now be free to handle and address the Crime early before one's life is destroyed.
The public at large would be able to understand and respond to this particular Crime in a Socially Responsible manner, no longer turning a blind eye and blaming the wrong party, confused about right and wrong in this regard, largely maintaini g male privilege mostly (yes some women do it too, rarely, using somewhat different strategies than a male domestic perp).
Remember, if you have to "escape" … it's a Crime.
You’re naming something so important here, and I can feel how much grief, anger, and hard-earned wisdom is behind your words. You’re absolutely right that coercive control, “love fraud,” and other hidden forms of abuse are not just “relationship problems,” they are profoundly harmful violations that can destroy lives, even when there are no visible bruises. The language of “domestic crimes” speaks more honestly to the seriousness of what so many survivors endure.
At The MEND Project, we see every day how systems meant to protect people, mental health, legal, faith, and community systems, often minimize or misunderstand these dynamics. That’s a big part of what we call Double Abuse®: when a victim finally reaches out for help and is disbelieved, blamed, pathologized, or sent back into harm. Your comments about how the response should remove the perpetrator, reduce stigma, and be handled with far more sensitivity and expertise are very aligned with what survivors tell us they needed but did not receive.
We share your longing for safer, more trauma-informed and accountable responses. Our work is focused on the piece we can influence: educating therapists, faith leaders, first responders, and loved ones to recognize coercive control and emotional abuse as serious harm, to respond with care instead of judgment, and to stop blaming victims for trying to “escape.” If someone has to escape their own home to survive, something deeply wrong has occurred, whether the law names it accurately or not. We also care deeply about raising awareness. The public at large is mostly ill-informed, which creates the stigma. Unless domestic crimes become more spoken about in our society, the stigmas will continue.
Thank you for speaking so clearly and passionately about this. Survivors need people who are willing to call these patterns what they are and to insist on better responses.
With gratitude for your advocacy,
Annette
Thank you for this article. Double Abuse is what I have experienced since 1992. This is the first time reading about my judgement. Both of us were active duty military. My wife had no problems slapping and scratching my face. On occasions my glasses would take flight. The last instance she bit my finger which was treated in the emergency room. No one listened, my cry was brushed off and I was to blame. My life has been filled with alcoholism, major depression, anxiety & PTSD, Older veterans have told me to apply for disability for decades, but somehow it felt wrong,
Yesterday, with the help of my therapist we filled out the VA disability paperwork. Tears flew down my face when she gave me the diagnosis of PTSD. That was 2 years ago. She has helped a great deal, but my mental scars are still prevalent. She also assisted in my 5 1/2+ years of sobriety. I cannot thank her enough.
Thank you again. It's nice to know that my feelings are not fake, but very real.
Thank you for your comment and thank you for your service to our country. I’m sorry for all you’ve been experiencing. When people don’t believe you or wrongly judge or blame you it can be very traumatizing. The best advise I can give you is to work hard at believing your own experiences without the need for validation from other adults. People in actual or perceived positions of authority are the ones we most want validation from when we reach out for help. When the opposite occurs it can be shocking and traumatic. That said, we cannot control how other adults think or act and we don’t need validation from others to know what is true. I’m sorry you didn’t receive the support you needed or deserved. Unfortunately it happens to victims all to often. I would take time to work on your PTSD, learn all you can about it so you can put your efforts into healing. Healing is possible but it takes work. Think about ways to improve your coping skills so you can better regulate your emotions. Defensiveness and reacting is an example of how we don’t want to respond to others. We want to do things like count to ten or take three deep breaths or take a time out until we calm down, then calmly respond. Depression often accompanies PTSD. Activity can really help both depression and PTSD. What I mean is, do things for yourself like taking an art class, exercise class and attend regularly. Stepping out from isolation where you can do things that are good for your mental and physical health is very helpful to reach healing. Seek things that bring you joy and maybe find an accountability partner to report your progress and who will hold you accountable. On another note, please watch our workshop video on Reactive Abuse. It will help you to determine if your spouse is reacting to your communication styles or is entrenched is abusive thinking patterns. If you are with an abusive spouse it will be very hard to heal due to the ongoing conflict and trauma. Take a look on the resource page of our website. Download The Maze of Confusion. The maze is a visual tool that acts as a metaphor for how conversations during conflict unfold. If you are defensive your partner will be reactive and engage in reactive abuse. I hope you can discern what’s going on and then take steps to make decisions that are best for you moving forward. Please engage in self-care. It’s well worth your proactive effort. Hugs, Annette
Hi
I'm going through a serious physical abuse in my relationship for 11 months now, I get beaten two or four times every month. and I'm very traumatized and feel shame to step out and I've been come a shadow of myself,.. please I need mental help 😭😭
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heart. I’m so sorry for the pain and fear you’ve been carrying. What you’ve endured is not your fault, and the shame you feel is not yours to carry. You are so much stronger than you may feel right now, and asking for help is an incredible act of courage.
You don’t have to face this alone. If it feels safe, reaching out to someone you trust or contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or http://www.thehotline.org) could help you take that first step toward finding support and safety.
I also want to encourage you to consider our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course (https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/). It’s been a lifeline for so many people who’ve felt stuck and overwhelmed, offering tools and understanding to help navigate their pain and move toward healing. Many have said it was a turning point in reclaiming their strength and finding clarity in their situation.
You deserve compassion, care, and a life free from fear. Take one step at a time—you are not alone, and we are here to support you.
Con esperanza y sanación,
Annette
thank you for this. ❤️
You are so welcome 💛
I am having an extremely difficult time with continuing to listen and be of support to my cousin who has been a victim of emotional abuse for 20 years. We are Christians born and raised. So, God has been with us for our entire lives. I no longer trust my cousins judgement knowing that her decisions are being made through a negative spirit. The spirit of satan. The devil has control over her life and fear has kept her from listening to God and breaking free. She is so consumed by the fear that I believe her heart is blocked from receiving anything of God. That has placed me in sin with anger & bitterness & out of alignment with God. So much that I don’t want to have anything to do with her or her husband. I am in prayer about this entire situation.
Hi there.
Thank you for reaching out.
I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing with your cousin. I know it can be very hard to be a support for someone who is in the thick of an abusive relationship. I hope to encourage you to be compassionate and patient while at the same time setting boundaries to care well for yourself in the process. Fear is a very real for someone who is highly stressed and confused. In fact, we call it ‘prolonged states of stressful confusion’ or what is also known as a trauma state. Your cousin likely has complex PTSD and doesn’t know it. Complex PTSD has very serious symptoms that are difficult to overcome. cPTSD causes one’s cognitive ability to be compromised while at the same time, they are in a constant state of reacting involuntarily, in trauma responses, known as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. These trauma responses are involuntary. This means her body, in order to protect itself, reacts without her cognitive awareness or control. It is very hard to think clearly and rationally, if not impossible. She is probably hypervigilant, meaning highly sensitive and reactive to anticipatory fear from potential new trauma. In other words, she fears what will happen regarding every move she makes that might upset her abuser. if she leaves in this state, her fears regarding how her spouse might retaliate in unpredictable ways overwhelm her. Living with an emotionally abusive spouse is crazy-making and chaotic within an environment of constant recurring trauma. It would be very helpful for your cousin to take The MEND Project’s course offered on our website. It will provide her with the clarity she desperately needs to overcome her confusion. Confusion causes more trauma responses, so the course is reported by many victims and survivors to calm trauma symptoms, allowing your cousin to think more clearly and accurately about her situation and less reactively. Fear is a trauma response that she cannot control at this juncture. She needs education, validation, and calming support that does not pressure her or offer her advice. I’ll get into that a little later in this communication. Without education, she will continue to languish in a trauma state. We have a phrase here at MEND. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing. It would also be helpful if you would take the course. It will give you tremendous insight and reduce your frustration. It will teach you many important things you should know about emotional abuse and ways to interact with your cousin. The course is only four modules. One hour of reading per week plus a two-hour recorded session with me. It’s a self-paced course, and you can pace it weekly or take the entire course in a couple of days. Taking the course will jumpstart your cousin on her healing journey. The course will provide her with a wealth of comprehensive information regarding what she is experiencing, the mindset she is currently in, as well as the mindset of her abuser to give her a reality check and allow her to see her overall situation more clearly. Right now she is experiencing what is called cognitive dissonance. She is not seeing her situation through an accurate lens. The course will then take her through ways to heal. Each module will prepare her to make the necessary changes or decisions she needs to implement. It does not pressure her to stay or to leave. Her improved cognitive ability will enable her to make decisions that are best for her, equipping her to understand the pros and cons of remaining in an abusive household or leaving to step into a new and peaceful life. There is another resource I’d like you to review on our website. It’s called The Healing Model of Compassion. This simple tool will help to guide you through how to correctly interact and converse with your cousin without adding to her trauma. The best thing you can do at this point is to listen, listen, listen without interrupting her or redirecting the conversation to a point you want to share. It’s important that when she tells you things, you do not react emotionally. Doing so will shut her down or cause her more trauma. Please don’t give her advice, judge, criticize, or interrogate her. She needs someone safe and calm to listen so she can process out loud what she is experiencing. Having someone safe to share her story with helps to calm her confusion. You can also validate her by saying things like, “Nothing you have done deserves this maltreatment. This is not your fault. Abuse is a choice, it’s not an accident. Your husband is choosing abuse over love and empathy. I can imagine how stressful this is for you. A healthy relationship includes empathy and loving care.” And so on. If you give her advice, you are speaking down to her, similarly to how her spouse treats her. It will generate a trauma response. Giving advice is not helpful. It’s harmful, which may seem confusing to you. Speak to her with respect and care. And if she takes up too much of your time, you can tell her before the conversation that you only have thirty minutes. Or state what time you think you can provide her while at the same time caring well for yourself. Be aware that listening to traumatic stories can cause vicarious trauma in yourself. It’s stressful to hear about maltreatment. Care well for yourself by doing nice things for yourself to offset the stress you are feeling. I’m a Christian. I don’t believe it is helpful to share scripture with your sister unless it is a scripture that supports how God loves her and how Jesus treated people with kindness and respect. At the same time, he had no patience for those who abused others. But tread lightly to stay away from offering her advice. Pouring Christian guidance onto her is not helpful. It places you in a position to speak down to her as though you know what is best for her. It’s critical to treat her as an equal, someone to meet where they are in the moment rather than where you think she ‘should’ be.
I hope this communication was helpful. If you have more questions, please feel free to reach out to me at [email protected].
In the meantime, think of compassion, calm, and emotional safety for your cousin and for yourself.
Warmest blessings,
Annette