The MEND Project Recommended Resources

He says he loves you. So...why does he do that?

You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In the book Why Does He Do That? You will learn about:

• The early warning signs of abuse
• The nature of abusive thinking
• Myths about abusers
• Ten abusive personality types
• The role of drugs and alcohol
• What you can fix, and what you can’t
• And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely

Since the dawn of civilization, people seeking intimacy have been magnetically and irresistibly drawn into romantic relationships, not by what they see, feel, and think, but more by invisible forces. Human Magnet Syndrome compelled relationships predictably begin with a dreamlike “love explosion,” which predictably unfolds into a painful “seesaw” of love, pain, hope, and disappointment. Then, like clockwork, the codependent’s soulmate dream lover predictably and inevitably transforms into the narcissist of their nightmares.

Ross Rosenberg gives “codependency” and “codependent” their much-needed retirement in this edition. Antiquated, inaccurate, and unnecessarily limiting, these shaming terms cause more harm than help.

Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers new hope for reclaiming lives.

By placing individual experience in a political frame, psychiatrist Judith L. Herman argues that psychological trauma is inseparable from its social and political context. Drawing on her own research on incest, as well as a vast literature on combat veterans and victims of political terror, she shows surprising parallels between private horrors like child abuse and public horrors like war.

This edition includes a new epilogue by the author assessing what has—and hasn’t—changed in understanding and treating trauma over the last three decades.

Hailed by the New York Times as “one of the most important psychiatry works to be published since Freud,” Trauma and Recovery is essential reading for anyone seeking to understand how we heal.

In the New York Times bestseller, Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend help you learn when to say yes and know how to say no in order to take control of your life and set healthy, biblical boundaries with your spouse, children, friends, parents, co-workers, and even yourself.

Now updated and expanded for the digital age, this book continues to help millions of people around the world answer these tough questions:

• Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
• What are legitimate boundaries?
• How do I effectively manage my digital life so that it doesn't control me?
• What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
• How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
• Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
• How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage?
• Aren’t boundaries selfish?

You don’t have to let your life spiral out of control. Discover how boundaries make life better today!

Plus, check out Boundaries family collection of books dedicated to key areas of life - dating, marriage, raising kids, parenting teens, and leadership. Workbooks and Spanish editions are also available.

Is it unloving or selfish to set a boundary with family members or friends? Are Christians ever called to walk away from a relationship that's no longer safe or sustainable? #1 New York Times bestselling author Lysa TerKeurst deeply understands these hard questions in the midst of relational struggles.

After thousands of hours of counseling intensives and extensive theological research that transformed the way she defined healthy relationships, Lysa is now more committed than ever to loving people well without losing the best of who she is.

In these pages, Lysa will help you:

• Understand the five factors to remember when implementing healthy boundaries.
• Determine the appropriate amount of personal and emotional access someone has to you
• Stop being misled and emotionally paralyzed by wrongly interpreted or weaponized Bible verses that perpetuate unhealthy relationships.
• Be equipped with effective boundary-setting tools, such as realistic scripts and practical strategies for healthier communication.
• Be empowered to say goodbye without guilt when a relationship has shifted from difficult to destructive.
• Receive therapeutic wisdom you can trust directly from Lysa's Christian counselor Jim Cress, who weighs in throughout the book.

You'll be relieved to learn that boundaries aren't just a good idea, they're a God idea.

De Becker has made a career of protecting people and predicting violent behavior. His firm handles security for many of the leading figures in Hollywood and Silicon Valley, and his computerized risk-assessment system helps analyze threats to members of Congress and the Supreme Court. Now, in this unprecedented guide, de Becker shares his expertise with everyone. Covering all the dangerous situations people typically face — street crime, domestic abuse, violence in the workplace — de Becker provides real-life examples and offers specific advice on restraining orders, self-defense, and more. But the key to self-protection, he demonstrates, is learning how to trust our own intuitions. For everyone who's ever felt threatened, this book is essential reading.

*Note: This is a triggering read for some… but it is a powerful teaching lesson to trust your gut and instincts. The internal messages our body communicates to us are a gift from God to keep us safe.

In two all-new chapters, Evans reveals the Outside Stresses driving the rise in verbal abuse - and shows you how you can mitigate the devastating effects on your relationships. She also outlines the Levels of Abuse that characterize this kind of behavior - from subtle, insidious put-downs that can erode your self-esteem to full-out tantrums of name-calling, screaming, and threatening that can escalate into physical abuse.

Drawing from hundreds of real situations suffered by real people just like you, Evans offers strategies, sample scripts, and action plans designed to help you deal with the abuse - and the abuser.

This timely new edition of The Verbally Abusive Relationship puts you on the road to recognizing and responding to verbal abuse, one crucial step at a time!

Readers will understand how to:

• Reveal behaviors that are meant to control, punish, and hurt
• Confront and speak truth when the timing is right
• Determine when to keep trying, when to get out
• Get safe and stay safe
• Build an identity in Christ

This practical and thorough resource will help countless individuals, families, and churches view abuse from God's perspective and understand how vital it is for victims to embrace His freedom from the physical, emotional, spiritual, and generational effects of emotionally destructive relationshi

It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing.

Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame. Deeply compassionate and reveDINProry, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward.

Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.

Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.