How to Help Someone
Who Is Being Abused
It can be hard to know how to help someone who is being abused.
It can be equally as hard to identify that the root of the problems in a challenging relationship are because one partner is engaging in hidden forms of emotional abuse.
Many who experience covert emotional abuse don’t realize the toxicity they’re immersed in and often struggle to find words to describe their situation.
Often, they don’t identify their situation as abusive or their partner as an abuser. The word abuse is the furthest thing from their mind.
They know something isn’t right, but they can’t put their finger on it and they don’t yet have the proper language to describe it.
And maybe that confuses you, the one who wants to help, even more. You may struggle to identify the signs of abuse easily. And their confusion can add to your own.
Regardless of how difficult it can be, it is likely you are in a position to be a safe, compassionate responder. By navigating these resources, you will be empowered with the knowledge and tools to help you walk confidently alongside someone who is being or has been harmed by abuse.
You can become a light of hope for these victims. And because of you, victims can find clarity and healing.
We thank you for being here.
It can be hard to know how to help someone who is being abused.
It can be equally as hard to identify that the root of the problems in a challenging relationship are because one partner is engaging in hidden forms of emotional abuse.
Many who experience covert emotional abuse don’t realize the toxicity they’re immersed in and often struggle to find words to describe their situation. Often, they don’t identify their situation as abusive or their partner as an abuser. The word abuse is the furthest thing from their mind.
They know something isn’t right, but they can’t put their finger on it and they don’t yet have the proper language to describe it.
And maybe that confuses you, the one who wants to help, even more. You may struggle to identify the signs of abuse easily. And their confusion can add to your own.
Regardless of how difficult it can be, it is likely you are in a position to be a safe, compassionate responder. By navigating these resources, you will be empowered with the knowledge and tools to help you walk confidently alongside someone who is being or has been harmed by abuse.
You can become a light of hope for these victims. And because of you, victims can find clarity and healing.
We thank you for being here.
CONTENTS
CONTENTS
Part One: Understanding the Struggles of Abuse Victims
As a responder, it’s imperative to understand what goes on in the mind of an abuse victim.
- What are some of the cognitive and emotional challenges they face?
- Why might they struggle to come forward?
- What are some helpful responses?
Understanding the answers to these questions helps you support a victim of abuse with empathy and compassion.
Let’s look at four typical struggles victims face, and the responses or methods of support that could be most helpful.
Four Hurdles Victims Face – And How to Respond
Cognitive and Emotional Distress
Overwhelmed by ongoing stress and confusion, many victims grapple with exhaustion, anxiety, and PTSD. They may even struggle to find accurate words to describe what is happening to them. All this compounds into a state of debilitating emotional distress.
Response
Be aware that the person you want to help is likely in a state of heightened stress. However, they may not be able to articulate why. They may also be in a state of denial. So, you can help them by pointing them to resources that provide clarity and proper terminology to label their experiences and diminish their anxiety.
Recognizing that there are defined terms to describe the harmful behaviors of their abusers helps them see the abuse more clearly and know what they are experiencing is real. This provides the clarity they need to better understand what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically.
Response
Be aware that the person you want to help is likely in a state of heightened stress. However, they may not be able to articulate why. They may also be in a state of denial. So, you can help them by pointing them to resources that provide clarity and proper terminology to label their experiences and diminish their anxiety.
Recognizing that there are defined terms to describe the harmful behaviors of their abusers helps them see the abuse more clearly and know what they are experiencing is real. This provides the clarity they need to better understand what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically.
Response
Be aware that the person you want to help is likely in a state of heightened stress. However, they may not be able to articulate why. They may also be in a state of denial. So, you can help them by pointing them to resources that provide clarity and proper terminology to label their experiences and diminish their anxiety.
Recognizing that there are defined terms to describe the harmful behaviors of their abusers helps them see the abuse more clearly and know what they are experiencing is real. This provides the clarity they need to better understand what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically.
To learn more, click the button below for free downloadable resources such as:
Anticipatory Fear
People who have been harmed by abuse often fear they will face blame and rejection when they share their story. They instinctively know this will be even more traumatizing for them. This is why many victims of abuse struggle to come forward and share what they are experiencing.
Response
Seek to show them that they are safe with you. When a victim of abuse confides in you, listen with empathy and provide reassurance, without offering advice or ultimatums.
Keep in mind that victims will often only share the tip of the iceberg in order to test whether your response will be safe or not.
The Need for Acceptance
Victims and survivors need to be believed and validated. This means they need someone to recognize they are in a difficult position, they don’t know what to do, and they need someone to hear them and support them in the midst of it.
Response
Affirm your support. When a victim shares their experience with you, verbal and nonverbal responses can offer much-needed validation, compassion, and support. A simple nod while listening or a gesture of understanding can provide reassurance.
Words like “I’m here for you,” “I believe you,” You do not deserve to be treated in these ways. Nothing you have done warrants maltreatment.” Even simple gestures like maintaining eye contact in an empathetic way can make a world of difference.
Maintain connection after they disclose abuse to prevent them from feeling abandoned and further isolated. Your unwavering support can be their anchor. If, for some reason, you cannot maintain connection, it’s imperative that you help the victim find someone safe who can.
Response
Affirm your support. When a victim shares their experience with you, verbal and nonverbal responses can offer much-needed validation, compassion, and support. A simple nod while listening or a gesture of understanding can provide reassurance.
Words like “I’m here for you,” “I believe you,” You do not deserve to be treated in these ways. Nothing you have done warrants maltreatment.” Even simple gestures like maintaining eye contact in an empathetic way can make a world of difference.
Maintain connection after they disclose abuse to prevent them from feeling abandoned and further isolated. Your unwavering support can be their anchor. If, for some reason, you cannot maintain connection, it’s imperative that you help the victim find someone safe who can.
Need for Connection/Community
Victims of abuse often feel alone and isolated, whether it is self-imposed isolation or enforced isolation. Their immense confusion and fear of expressing their trauma further alienate them.
Yet, we know that victims cannot heal in isolation. Nurturing connections and community are a beacon of hope on their path.
Response
Take time to consider the challenges victims of abuse face. This allows us to walk alongside them with compassion and empathy and provide the support they need and deserve.
*To better understand how to properly respond to victims and survivors of abuse, please see Part Five: Key Steps to Helping Someone Who Is Being Emotionally Abused
Part Two: Understanding the Mindset of an Abuser
Recognizing that there are defined terms to describe the harmful behaviors of their abusers helps them see the abuse more clearly and know what they are experiencing is real. This provides the clarity they need to better understand what they are feeling, both emotionally and physically.
The better you understand both the victims’ and the abusers’ mindset, the more clarity you will have and the more equipped you will be to respond in helpful and supportive ways.
A key factor with abusers operate out of a completely different worldview than the victim. Said another way, the victim and the abuser are living in two separate realities and each is unaware of the other person’s mindset.
Before the victim gains full clarity, the victim may be in denial, not recognizing that their partner’s behavior is abusive. The victim is also the empathic one who tends to overfunction and accepts responsibility for the lion’s share of the responsibility in their interpersonal relationship. The victim seeks a healthy emotional connection with an emotionally unavailable partner. On the other hand, faulty thinking drives the abuser’s attitudes, and the abuser’s deeply entrenched beliefs interfere with their ability to self-reflect or value their partner’s perspective. They are more likely to seek power and control and are uncomfortable with their emotions or partners.
The better you understand both the victims’ and the abusers’ mindset, the more clarity you will have and the more equipped you will be to respond in helpful and supportive ways.
A key factor with abusers operate out of a completely different worldview than the victim. Said another way, the victim and the abuser are living in two separate realities and each is unaware of the other person’s mindset. Before the victim gains full clarity, the victim may be in denial, not recognizing that their partner’s behavior is abusive. The victim is also the empathic one who tends to overfunction and accepts responsibility for the lion’s share of the responsibility in their interpersonal relationship. The victim seeks a healthy emotional connection with an emotionally unavailable partner. On the other hand, faulty thinking drives the abuser’s attitudes, and the abuser’s deeply entrenched beliefs interfere with their ability to self-reflect or value their partner’s perspective. They are more likely to seek power and control and are uncomfortable with their emotions or partners.
The MEND Project describes the underlying attitudes held by the abuser as the Five Pillars of Abuse.
What are the Five Pillars of Abuse? Here is a quick overview:
The Five Pillars of Abuse
Recognizing these pillars is pivotal in supporting and coming alongside victims.
When victims understand that they are in a relationship where both parties are living in separate realities, it can help them come to terms with the severity of their relationship problems.
A Faulty Belief System
Abusers have long-standing, moralistic judgments that are based on limited knowledge, a family system, or social bias that result in the oppression of others. They may or may not express these beliefs verbally, but these factors drive how they think relationships should function with a bias in their favor.
Image Management
To protect their image, abusers hide their toxic behaviors behind a positive public persona, creating a misleading narrative. They do this to uphold social status and norms at the expense of the victim or others.
Those who cause harm will often employ a variety of methods in order to create a cloud of confusion meant to influence outsiders or even children and extended family members.
Entitlement
Entitlement is another pillar of abuse. Abusers believe they are deserving of special treatment or rewards, regardless of merit or the needs and well-being of others. They have no qualms with double standards.
Again, they may or may not verbalize these beliefs. However, they are deeply entrenched in their thinking patterns.
Low Emotional Intelligence
Abusers can be highly intelligent, accomplished, and charismatic while having an underdeveloped emotional IQ. They are likely to have limited awareness of their own emotions and almost complete disinterest in the emotions or experiences of their partner or others.
Some markers of lower emotional IQ are:
Preferential Treatment
Finally, the abuser expects – and others may provide – preferential treatment to the abuser because of shared social viewpoints, status, proximity to one’s social circle, and/or leadership or power within a group or institutional setting.
Preferential treatment often denies the victim’s plight or ignores best practices for a proper response in favor of protecting the one actually causing harm.
To summarize, the Five Pillars of Abuse are:
Now that we have a framework for understanding the thought processes that drive abusive behaviors, let’s look at a simple guide for helping victims dispel the confusion these abusive behaviors have created in them.
Part Three: The Maze of Confusion
A Helpful Guide for Supporters and Victims
The Maze of Confusion is an image we use as a metaphor to describe what it’s like to be in a conversation with someone employing the tactics of hidden emotional abuse.
When a victim attempts to raise a reasonable complaint or concern, or express a hurt, the abuser will take them through The Maze – a dominating, dead-end form of communication that causes stress, confusion, and bewilderment in the victim’s mind. The Maze demonstrates how the victim’s attempts to have an authentic and meaningful conversation are blocked by abusive behaviors meant to power over the victim and divert the topic, so the abuser can avoid responsibility for any harm done while simultaneously blaming the victim. In essence, The Maze demonstrates how abusers are not interested in authentic conversations but instead focus on winning every argument.
For example, when a destructive behavior such as blame-shifting is repeated, or when multiple harmful behaviors are employed, the victim begins to feel lost or trapped inside a maze of confusion, with no way out or through to a resolution.
As you become familiar with the abusive Maze of Confusion metaphor, it is useful to know what strategies and responses are most helpful to victims. This brief guide can help make sense of the confusion and give you powerful insight as a responder:
A Breakdown of The Maze (What You Need to Know)
Abuse victims can escape the Maze of Confusion by:
(Read more about the Maze of Confusion here.)
Fostering Empathy
The most meaningful way you can help a victim is by being a safe space for them to share their feelings and experiences.
Validating that their feelings are justified and reasonable can help them feel understood and strengthen their self-identity and resolve. Phrases like "I hear you" or "That must have been tough for you" can be powerful. Encourage them to seek out relationships and environments where they consistently hear such affirmations.
To summarize:
Now, let’s talk about the importance of the first responder’s role.
Part Four: The Importance of Being a Supportive Responder
If someone you know confides in you about their experiences with abuse, your response can set them on a course to heal, or it can cause them further trauma and harm.
This is why it’s essential to recognize the profound impact your response can have and to understand the concept of Double Abuse® to best support them.
The Impact of Double Abuse®
When someone courageously shares their story of abuse and they aren’t believed or they are blamed, judged, or given unwanted instructions, The MEND Project identifies this added trauma as "Double Abuse®."
Recognizing Double Abuse
Here are eight examples of responses categorized as Double Abuse:
Apathy
A disinterested response sends the message that one does not care about the victim’s plight. Apathy is a form of abandonment that victims fear.
Ultimatums
Asking intrusive questions or making statements like, “We demand that you enter couple’s therapy within 30 days or you will have to leave our group.” Placing ultimatums asserts that you know what’s best for the victim. It speaks down to them and overpowers them, just as their abuser has been doing.
Placing Conditions
This can look like, “If you don’t leave your partner, I cannot talk to you any longer or help you.” Or: “If you separate from your husband, you can no longer come to our couples group."
When responders place conditions on the victim, it is another form of powering over them, which is what their abuser has been doing. Powering over victims is highly retraumatizing.
Placing Conditions
This can look like, “If you don’t leave your partner, I cannot talk to you any longer or help you.” Or: “If you separate from your husband, you can no longer come to our couples group."
When responders place conditions on the victim, it is another form of powering over them, which is what their abuser has been doing. Powering over victims is highly retraumatizing.
Shunning or ostracizing
When the victim is wrongly judged and subsequently abandoned by others and excluded from a group, whether it is within a family, social circle, or faith-based environment, it is a form of forced isolation and is very traumatizing. Making the decision to shun a victim asserts that they no longer deserve to be included. This form of mischaracterization redefines the victim’s identity and sense of belonging. A loss of one’s identity and connection is directly tied to exacerbating PTSD into Complex PTSD.
Blaming, Judging, and Criticizing
Victims need compassion. Blaming, judging, and criticizing are forms of condemnation and Double Abuse. Each of these behaviors stops the process of helping victims and instead significantly traumatizes them, leading them to a place of hopelessness and despair.
Giving Unrequested Advice
So often responders think they have to fix the victim’s problems when what is really needed is for them to be given the space and time to process their experiences with someone safe and caring.
When responders interrupt victims or redirect the conversation with pointed and leading questions or unrequested advice, the victim’s anxiety increases substantially. Spiking anxiety in someone who is or has experienced trauma surrounding the issue also increases trauma symptoms.
When a conversation is controlled or limited, it can quickly silence and shut down the one who needs a safe place to open up. When a responder limits the scope of the conversation, they power over the victim and communicate that the victim’s perspective does not matter.
Limiting the Scope of the Conversation
When a conversation is controlled or limited, it can quickly silence and shut down the one who needs a safe place to open up. When a responder limits the scope of the conversation, they power over the victim and communicate that the victim’s perspective does not matter.
Setting Boundaries for Personal Comfort
This can look like not allowing the victim to grieve or to feel down. The false belief is that by silencing the victim or refusing to engage with them, the victim will “get over it” faster. This is actually toxic positivity and is damaging.
Limiting the Scope of the Conversation
When a conversation is controlled or limited, it can quickly silence and shut down the one who needs a safe place to open up. When a responder limits the scope of the conversation, they power over the victim and communicate that the victim’s perspective does not matter.
Setting Boundaries for Personal Comfort
This can look like not allowing the victim to grieve or to feel down. The false belief is that by silencing the victim or refusing to engage with them, the victim will “get over it” faster. This is actually toxic positivity and is damaging.
Be the Support When Traditional Support Systems Fail
Institutions, such as educational, corporate, or faith-based institutions, are perceived as places of safety and higher knowledge in our society. However, abuse victims sometimes find that the very places designed to protect and nurture them can inadvertently or intentionally harm them and compound their trauma. The disparity between a victim’s reasonable expectation of safety versus what actually occurs during the harmful encounter is directly tied to the amount of trauma they will experience.
What to know so you can use your influence in institutional settings.
Academic Institutions
Victims might face disbelief from peers or even educators, especially if the perpetrator is a popular figure or an authority within the institution. The pressure to maintain an institution’s reputation or to limit liability can overshadow the victims’ needs.
Liability is increased when an institution fails to support victims within the organization. Also, it is a reasonable expectation that victims perceive these institutional settings to be properly informed and adopt best practices When the opposite occurs the victim is significantly harmed.
Friends and Family
Biases, misconceptions about abuse, or personal relationships with the abuser can lead people to minimize or dismiss the victim’s claims. Minimization and dismissal is a form of Double Abuse.
Therapists
Mental health professionals hold their own biases and preconceptions, and most do not receive extensive training around abuse, emotional or physical. These can all lead a therapist to inadvertently minimize the victim's experiences or misidentifying relational abuse altogether. Experts agree that couple therapy is strongly discouraged when any form of abuse is present, as it likely will transition into a highly traumatizing experience for the victim. There are many reasons why. One example is that couple therapy treats abuse as though it is a mutual problem when in reality, no other problems can be properly addressed or resolved until abuse is named and stopped with longstanding evidence of change.
Faith-based Communities
The majority of faith leaders and congregants have good hearts with a desire to help others. However, lack of training and education in abuse combined with deeply rooted beliefs (such as patriarchal beliefs that subjugate women or attitudes that value the institution of marriage more than the well-being of the victim and children inside the marriage) can misinform how they respond to a victim of abuse. They may place victims under pressure to forgive without seeking justice, to submit, or simply pray for their partner. These responses downplay the victim’s experiences and wrongly place the responsibility on the one being harmed.
Legal System
Justice systems are built to protect rights, but a lack of legal remedy regarding emotional or covert abuse, in addition to biases or gaps in trauma-informed training, often cause victims to be revictimized within legal processes. For example, victims who have developed PTSD may appear to the Court as emotionally unstable, resulting in the victim being viewed as less capable of caring for the children.
Recognizing the potential for Double Abuse® within these institutions informs responders to use their influence and advocacy to help victims receive the support and validation they truly need.
Part Five: Key Steps to Helping Someone Who Is Being Emotionally Abused
Now that you understand:
Understanding the answers to these questions helps you support a victim of abuse with empathy and compassion.
Supporting someone going through an abusive relationship requires compassion, understanding, and patience. Recognizing the complexity and the gravity of their experience is vital. When a victim confides in you, they are seeking compassion, a safe connection, and validation.
Keep this in mind as we cover these key steps to helping an abuse victim.
Supporting someone going through an abusive relationship requires compassion, understanding, and patience. Recognizing the complexity and the gravity of their experience is vital. When a victim confides in you, they are seeking compassion, a safe connection, and validation.
Keep this in mind as we cover these key steps to helping an abuse victim.
STEP ONE: Identify the Types of Abuse That Are Present
Underneath every abusive relationship are long-standing covert abuse tactics. And when these are not clearly identified, victims remain in prolonged states of stress and confusion where they can stay stuck ruminating over every harmful conversation wondering if they are the ‘crazy’ ones, or even doubting their memory and value. This is why it is crucial to recognize and name the signs of abuse.
These covert abuse tactics might include:
Becoming attuned to these signs is the first step in offering compassion and support. To learn about the signs to identify, click the button below.
STEP TWO: Use the Healing Model of Compassion
When engaging with a victim, every word and every gesture matters.
Here at MEND, we have a saying to not over-confront victims and, at the same time, to not under-inform them. To accomplish this goal, we use what we call the Healing Model of Compassion. This guide offers practical ways to show compassionate care to victims:
Listen
Allow victims to process their experiences over time without interruption or interrogation. A good listener will allow the speaker to go at their own pace. When a victim first begins to speak up or ask for help, it’s usually just the tip of the iceberg. Initially, they will want to test the waters to determine whether you are safe.
Accept
Believe the experience to be true without asking doubting questions. Statistics show that only three percent of victims of sexual assault are lying. There is little to gain for victims speaking out about abuse. Understand that they are entrusting you with their most vulnerable moments. To not believe them is a highly traumatic experience for victims
Empathize
Display warm gestures of understanding while refraining from critiquing their personal choices. Be patient, soft, and kind. Avoid expressing too much emotion, such as disdain towards their abuser. Doing so may shut the victim down or cause them to defend their abuser and push you away. This is because they may not be ready to identify as a victim, blame their abuser, or be capable of tolerating the negative emotions of others in their traumatized and vulnerable state.
Validate
Clearly convey that abuse is not their fault and that nothing they did deserves maltreatment. Abuse is a choice the abuser alone makes. It’s not an accident or a mistake.
Identify
Take ten or twenty seconds (no more) to briefly share a similar experience you had personally or know about with another person in your past. This helps to show you are listening well. Avoid hijacking the conversation or changing the focus onto your story for more than twenty seconds. Identifying is a conscious step to prove you are listening well.
Encourage
Provide them hope that they can gain clarity and heal with education and support. You can say: “I believe in you. You are in a tough season, but you will get through this, and I will be here standing by your side.”
Ask
“How can I help?” This ONE question demonstrates to the victim that you are willing to support them on their journey. Most victims will ask for something simple, such as help finding resources or for someone they can talk to once or twice per week. Or maybe they would like for you to join them at a meeting with their attorney because their thinking is fragmented from ongoing stress and trauma. Be willing to advocate for them when needed.
Grieve
Maintain a meaningful connection by sharing in the healing power of mourning. Avoid insinuating that they need to stop crying. Sharing in the grieving process is an opportunity for those who want to help to demonstrate to the victim they really care and are a safe connection for them
STEP THREE: Maintain Support
Maintain Confidentiality
It's essential to respect the privacy of victims. Sharing their story without their consent can put them at further risk and betray their trust. Don’t do anything without the victim’s explicit permission—especially confronting their abuser.
For a more in-depth resource, check out this article about confronting those who cause harm guide here.
The importance of confidentiality cannot be overstated.
Support Long-Term Healing
Healing from psychological and/or physical abuse can be a long process. Continue to check in on victims, offer support, and respect their decisions—even if you don't agree.
If the victim has been diagnosed with PTSD or if you notice the signs of PTSD, it is essential that the victim engages with multiple modalities to promote healing.
For example:
All of these will help the victim step out from self-isolation and towards a path of community, connection, and healing. Just remember it might take time for them to feel ready to engage in activities with other people.
Again, victims cannot heal in isolation. For many victims, engaging in new activities can be hard for them. You can provide information that will help to encourage them to participate in order to jump-start their healing.
For example, activity can help cure depression, and creative outlets produce endorphins, which help to counter stress hormones surging in their bodies.
With the victim’s permission, you might consider being a loving accountability partner who checks in on them weekly to ask what new activities they have undertaken. Or, you may offer to go for a long walk with them to get them outside and to help them start the process.
Self-Care for Supporters
Witnessing the aftermath of abuse can be emotionally stressful and taxing. Vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue are terms used to describe the trauma people helpers sometimes experience. Ensure you are also seeking support if needed and practice self-care techniques similar to the activities mentioned above.
A Note on Shared Grief
When supporting abuse victims, recognizing their grief has a meaningful impact.
Mourning with them for all they have lost or will lose (the emotional toll, the shattered trust, and the severed connections) validates their pain, lightens their burden, and reinforces their worth. Grief shared can be a mutual experience of deep connection that can greatly facilitate their healing journey.
Now that you have solid, practical ways to help someone who is being abused, let’s take it a step further. Let’s talk about how to help someone who has been physically abused.
How to Help Someone Who Has Been Coercively Controlled or Physically Abused
While covert emotional abuse is the common thread in all forms of relational abuse, including physical abuse, helping someone who is being or has been, harmed by physical violence brings a unique set of concerns and challenges that need specific attention.
Here is how you can help:
1. Prioritize Safety
Underneath every abusive relationship are long-standing covert abuse tactics. And when these are not clearly identified, victims remain in prolonged states of stress and confusion where they can stay stuck ruminating over every harmful conversation wondering if they are the ‘crazy’ ones, or even doubting their memory and value.. This is why it is crucial to recognize and name the signs of abuse.
Immediate Safety
If someone you know expresses fear for their safety or if their abuser’s anger is escalating, if there has been a separation in the last twelve months or one is imminent, or if you believe the victim is naive about their lack of safety, encourage them to contact local law enforcement to report prior or recent physical violence and/or property damage and threats.
Ensure they have a safe place to stay, even if it is temporary. There are safety assessment tools you can access online. For example, the Domestic Violence Safety Assessment Tool (DVSAT), provides 25 questions you would not necessarily think to ask that indicate homicide is a serious risk. Asking the victim to take the assessment quiz can help them to realize the risks they are facing.
Safety Plan
A victim of abuse may need both temporary and long-term safety plans. To this end, we recommend connecting the victim with a Domestic Violence Agency or a highly-skilled DV advocate, as they will be best informed on how to effectively executive a safety plan.
A safety plan to exit an abusive situation could include:
These items should be stored outside the home with someone safe, such as a neighbor, friend or at their place of employment.
Preparation may include memorizing important phone numbers and creating encrypted signals or code words to communicate danger to children, trusted friends, or family.
Domesticshelters.org has a comprehensive list of items to consider and/or gather secretly before actually leaving, whether temporarily or for good.
It is a dangerous time when victims leave their abusers, and it’s a time when victims may struggle to think straight. It’s imperative that the victim contact a domestic violence advocate, preferably before leaving, who can walk alongside them through the process and who can help them obtain a protective order with the court.
2. Medical Attention and Reporting
If the victim has sustained injuries, even a minor one, encourage them to seek medical attention.
This not only ensures their well-being but also serves as documented evidence if they decide to pursue legal action, a separation, divorce, a protective order, or child custody matters.
Victims need to understand the importance of reporting and documentation. They often hesitate. If they don’t report and instead react, possibly physically, they need to grasp that there is a strong likelihood their abuser will report the victim as being the abuser. Once the victim is labeled the abuser, which is the abuser’s belief and goal, they will have a mountain to climb with law enforcement and the courts if and when they are faced with child custody issues.
Further, in some states, alimony is waived if the one seeking support is determined to be the abuser.
Many victims will be hesitant to report their partners to law enforcement. However, it is essential that victims report abuse first and create a paper trail to document who the abuser is in the relationship before the actual abuser manipulates law enforcement to the contrary. It’s common for abusers to mischaracterize the victim and manipulate the system. Victims need to know this often-used ploy in advance in order not to be deemed the abuser. Encourage victims to keep text messages and emails in a separate file with protected access for future use in case they are needed.
3. Offer Emotional Support
Every victim's journey is different. No two situations are exactly alike. Please validate their experiences because victims often know best. Some might be ready to discuss their experience, while others might need time.
Regardless, anyone who has been harmed needs a compassionate responder who refrains from judgment or seeking answers by asking leading and pointed questions
Emphasize their courage in confiding in you and taking steps to ensure their safety. Affirm their strength and your support.
4. Recommend Professional Help
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a reputable and trusted resource for victims and survivors of abuse nationwide. They have a phone line with trained counselors to speak with and can assist victims with locating resources in their area.
Domestic Violence Agencies
Advise victims to seek out the help of skilled certified advocates at their local domestic violence agency. These agencies often provide low-cost or no-cost counseling and educational courses for victims of abuse on various topics such as personal empowerment (known as PEP classes). They sometimes offer legal advocacy as well.
Counseling
Therapists or counselors specializing in abuse and trauma can offer tailored strategies to navigate challenging relational dynamics and offer a variety of coping methods to promote healing.
It is important, however, to shop for the right therapist to ensure they are properly trained.
Legal Advice
In cases where a restraining or protective order is being considered or charges are being pressed, as well as in divorce and custody cases, encourage the victim to consider legal counsel with an abuse- and trauma-trained legal representative. They can also download The MEND Project PDFs to help them educate their attorney on matters of psychological abuse.
5. Legal Responsibility
If you are a mandated reporter and children have witnessed domestic violence, you may need to report the incident to Child Protective Services or law enforcement. Victims need to understand that they carry a legal responsibility to keep their children shielded from domestic violence.
6. Stay Informed
Stay updated on insights related to psychological and physical abuse. The more you know, the better equipped you are to offer meaningful assistance.
Educate yourself on local resources available for abuse victims, from shelters to counseling services, and share this information with them.
It’s important to verify, on at least a quarterly basis, that your referrals are continuing to provide the services they have in the past. As a people helper, you don’t want to make a referral to a victim only to learn they are no longer providing the same services. This quarterly vetting process is something responders can take responsibility for, rather than providing the victim with inadequate referrals.
Additional Support
Free Monthly Workshops
MEND is committed to outreach by providing free monthly web-based workshops that provide clarity and healing strategies for victims of abuse and their supporters. You can get notified about these events and watch previous trainings for free here:
Continuing Education for Mental Health Professionals
These courses are for licensed mental health professionals whether or not you specialize in treating those who abuse or have been abused by a partner.
Oftentimes, abuse can be the root cause for emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and PTSD or complex PTSD – particularly for those who have experienced childhood trauma, and a variety of other symptoms clients might want your help resolving.
If they don’t identify the abuse, they need you to help them uncover it as the primary root of the issues they face.
In co-sponsorship with the Institute on Violence, Abuse and Trauma, The MEND Project offers accredited continuing education units through the American Psychological Association. Our course is a comprehensive training that will better equip you to interface with your clients.
Thank you for joining us in courageously standing in the gap for victims. Your role is vital in reducing abuse in your community.
The MEND Team
Help & Information
If you are in immediate danger contact the national hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or call 911.
Disclaimer: The author of this website, The MEND Project and its founder, Annette Oltmans, takes responsibility for the presentation of the content of this website. We are not clinicians, but are researchers and desire to help you. We are not trying to vilify any gender, or any person, regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, nationality etc. Our mission is to identify and clarify the single behaviors or patterns of behaviors that occur when covert abuse is present. The material on this website and the services our nonprofit offers are offered in an effort to serve all victims of abuse. © 2025 The MEND Project. All Rights Reserved.