At some point in our lives, most of us will be a first responder for a victim of abuse. The M3ND Project defines a “first responder” as any individual to whom an abuse victim discloses their story of abuse or who helps a victim with their abuse situation. This could be a therapist, pastor, co-worker, spouse, sibling, friend, parent, mentor, etc. You never know when you will be a first responder. Statistically speaking, odds are you will one day be on the listening end of a story of abuse.(1) Perhaps a close friend who’s in a relationship that you never expected had any problems will approach you. Or a coworker with whom you aren’t close but trusts you and confides in you about their situation. Learning that someone is abused can happen unexpectedly. It can be even more surprising when it happens between individuals you know personally. Most people think they will never deal with a personal relationship that has endured abuse. Although this can be a tough position to be in, you can and should prepare yourself to respond compassionately and to handle the situation with grace. How you respond can empower the victim or take their power away.
The M3ND Project has developed a helpful model containing simple steps to respond compassionately. Victims view this compassion through a defined and specific set of responses. To do otherwise risks exacerbating their trauma. As first responders, the goal is to help bring about clarity and healing. By familiarizing yourself with M3ND’s Healing Model of Compassion, you will gain tools for yourself and others who you know are currently involved with helping a victim. Although abuse itself is complicated and confusing, your response can be clear and supportive.
These are the eight action steps of the Healing Model of Compassion (2) to follow when interfacing with victims of abuse:
1. Listen
Listen with a closed mouth, over and over, and with an actively engaged heart and mind. Listen to understand what the victim is saying. Use nonverbal cues such as nods and open body posture, avoiding crossed arms and legs. Listening provides victims with the space and time they need to process aloud their experience. Demonstrate with your words that you have listened by speaking up only to summarize what you heard and to reflect that you understand what they have said.
2. Accept
Believe the experience to be true. Showing compassion through acceptance does not include interrogating to learn more facts or giving instructions on how you think they should move forward. Instead, this is a time to assume that what they are relaying is wholly accurate. This means not making comments about their abuser, who may be your friend, which demonstrates disbelief that they would abuse another. We cannot overemphasize this point. If the story is not accurate, the truth will unfold naturally over time. But to disbelieve a victim when they are speaking their truth is a highly traumatic experience. Statistics show that 90% of victim stories are true.
3. Empathize
4. Validate
5. Identify
If one comes to mind, take ten or twenty seconds to share a similar experience that you have gone through. The goal in this is not to shift the focus of the conversation back onto ourselves, but to help the victim know that you are listening well and that they are not alone.
6. Encourage
7. Ask
While you may not be able to fill all the needs the victim has, it’s more important to show that you want to be helpful where you can. Show courage and loyalty by asking, “How can I help?” Often, the ways in which they want you to help are very small and reasonable.
8. Grieve
Although this is the final step, it should never be skipped. Grieve with the victim for all that they have lost or are losing. Rather than avoiding, denying or suppressing mourning, grieve with them. This may look like crying with them, talking them through the pain or doing activities with them that help them reflect on their grief. Going through this process together will help the victim to create a strong shared experience with you that allows them to know they are supported and not alone.
We hope that learning about the Healing Model of Compassion has been helpful to you. Please consider sharing this model with any organizations or individuals who work with victims of abuse. This is an excellent resource for churches, counseling centers, schools and more. To learn more about the Healing Model or any of our other resources visit How Can I Know if it’s Abuse. To receive regular information on facts about abuse, working with victims and detecting abuse, we encourage you to subscribe to our blog where we publish content weekly.
Resources
(1) Statistics about Abuse- https://themendproject.com/i-want-to-help-someone-being-abused/what-role-can-i-play-if-someone-in-my-care-is-being-abused/
(2) Healing Model of Compassion- https://themendproject.com/i-want-to-help-someone-being-abused/how-can-i-know-if-its-abuse/
(3)Lisak, David, et al. “False Allegations of Sexual Assault: An Analysis of Ten Years of Reported Cases.” Violence Against Women, vol. 16, no. 12, 2010, pp. 1318–1334., https://cdn.atixa.org/website-media/atixa.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/12193336/Lisak-False-Allegations-16-VAW-1318-2010.pdf
(4) How Can I Know if it’s Abuse- https://themendproject.com/i-want-to-help-someone-being-abused/how-can-i-know-if-its-abuse/