Can Abusers Change? 5 Almost Impossible Obstacles Explained

A common question victims of domestic abuse ask is whether or not an abuser can change. In this article, we will explore this question by discussing the psychological and emotional profile of an abuser, whether change is possible, and the support the one being harmed needs and deserves.

The Possibility of Change

The question of whether those who abuse can change is complex and often debated.

Some believe a person who is abusive is unlikely or unable to change, while others believe someone who engages in abusive behavior can change if they are wanting and willing to do so.

Statistically, however, it is rare for an abuser to change.

The process of change for an abuser requires an unwavering commitment to long-term deep work, high-quality therapy, participation in accountability groups, and engagement with reading materials either recommended by a therapist or requested by the survivor. If the abuser commits to the deep work required to change, the challenging process will likely take a minimum of one to two years to see significant progress. Those who abuse often have complex psychological profiles that make it difficult for them to change their behavior.

That said, research shows that individuals who participate in high-quality intervention programs are less likely to re-offend. These programs focus on addressing the root causes that contribute to abusive mindsets and behaviors.

Since statistics consistently indicate there are more male abusers than female, we approach this article from the perspective of a male abuser and female victim. This does not mean that men cannot be victims or women cannot be abusers.

The Five Pillars That Make It Difficult for Abusers to Change

At The MEND Project, we discuss the root causes of abuse using one of our educational tools, The Pillars of Abuse.

There are Five Pillars that represent the mindset of an abuser that drives their actions.

The First Pillar: A Faulty Belief System

A faulty belief system and distorted thinking are part of an abuser’s emotional makeup, and these mindsets are deeply entrenched. Faulty belief systems consist of moralistic judgments based on limited knowledge, family system, or social bias, causing the oppression of others. These destructive beliefs about men and women may develop in childhood, or later, from the abuser’s familial, social, political, or religious influences.

A faulty belief system might include conscious or unconscious patriarchal and misogynistic attitudes, cultural biases, and religious ideologies that oppress women. Thse characterological mindsets are deeply rooted.

It is nearly impossible for a survivor to have a mutually respectful conversation, let alone a relationship, with someone whose beliefs drive them to overpower their partner emotionally, physically, financially, or in other oppressive ways.

Faulty thinking is so deeply entrenched it is hard to uncover, and even more difficult for the abuser to recognize it as harmful or wrong once it is uncovered.

Identifying and working through faulty beliefs requires self-awareness, a willingness to challenge those beliefs, learning new ways of thinking, reading books, and engaging in group conversations. It is a difficult and lengthy process.

The Second Pillar: Entitlement

A sense of entitlement is characterized by a mindset where the abuser expects they are inherently deserving of privileges and special treatment, regardless of merit or the needs and well-being of others. This thinking can be conscious or unconscious. Either way, this mindset is difficult to unpack and difficult to confront.

Their internal mantra is, “I deserve to have what I want, when I want it, regardless of its impact on my partner.”

This thinking leads them to exert control without any sense of guilt or empathy for how oppressive their double standards are for the victim.

Abusers may also believe that their partner is inferior to them and they have the right to control their partner.

This can look like the abuser believing they hold a hierarchical position over their partner and that the rules they enforce against them don’t apply equally to themselves. This plays out emotionally, financially, and in other ways where hierarchical beliefs place limitations on and oppress the one being harmed. Abusive relationships have many nuances, and no two relationships are alike.

If the abuser’s beliefs regarding male hierarchical positions are supported by his/her friend group or faith institution, it will be even more challenging to change those destructive beliefs. If the abuser is confronted by a counselor, they will often resist because they don’t want to give up the power and elevated standing they hold in the relationship.

Challenging entitlement involves an abuser understanding that their partner is their equal who has the right to their own opinions and the personal empowerment to make their own choices.

The Third Pillar: Image Management

Abusers are often deeply invested in creating, maintaining, and protecting a positive public image to hide their true behavior patterns behind closed doors.

Protecting their image also helps abusers groom their audience to align with them and undermine the victim.

Abusers often blame the one being harmed for their outbursts or minimize what the victim experiences or values. They are chronically defensive when the one being harmed raises a reasonable complaint or concern, which is compounded by their need to protect their image.

Abusers criticize or block the victim’s perspectives in a conversation when the victim attempts to share their reasonable complaints, hurts, or concerns - regardless of whether the conversation is private or public.

While destructive behaviors are occurring behind closed doors, the abuser often works hard at presenting themselves as loving and caring to friends and family, portraying a very different image. They are known to create a “Cloud of Confusion” by telling false or exaggerated stories to third parties in order to undermine the survivor or manipulate the outcome when they fear being exposed. For example, they may volunteer at their local church so that their community sees them in a positive light.

This makes it difficult for those in the community to see the abuser accurately or believe the survivor’s story if they seek help. An abuser’s obsession with image management ultimately serves to elevate their image while undermining the survivor’s character and wrongly blaming them for the problems in the relationship.

Being mischaracterized by the abuser privately or in public is highly traumatizing for the one being harmed. The lack of intervention or improper intervention emboldens the abuser. Onlookers are unable to see the abuser’s toxic traits and therefore are unlikely to confront them, leading the abuser to believe they are invincible or not responsible for causing difficulties in the relationship.

The Fourth Pillar: Low Emotional IQ

The emotional intelligence connection is undeniable. Abusers can be highly intelligent, accomplished, and charismatic while having an underdeveloped emotional IQ. Their low emotional IQ contributes to their chronic defensiveness and aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior.

A lack of emotional intelligence makes it difficult for the abuser to understand and accept emotions in general. The abuser’s discomfort with emotions, his or hers, causes them to avoid or block any attempt at authentic conversations. When the victim raises a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, the abuser judges the victim's feelings rather than demonstrating healthy curiosity to understand more. In conversations, they ‘react’ defensively, impulsively, or exhibit emotionally or physically violent behavior, an inability to appreciate the victim’s perspective, and minimization of the victim’s feelings rather than self-regulate, self-examine, or implement self-control to ‘respond’ rationally and empathically. Low emotional IQ can also lead to impulsive or emotionally or physically violent behavior.

Ultimately, emotional immaturity blocks the one being harmed from having authentic conversations where mutual respect and validation occur.

Abusers can be highly intelligent, accomplished, and charismatic while having an underdeveloped emotional intelligence. They ‘react’ rather than self-regulate, self-examine, or implement self-control to ‘respond’ rationally and empathetically.

If an abuser is not willing to cooperate with long-standing therapeutic interventions, emotional immaturity can make change for an abuser impossible.

The Fifth Pillar: Preferential Treatment

The fifth pillar, preferential treatment, represents how common it is for outsiders to respond to abusers and the ones they harm in ways that embolden the abuser, interfere with proper interventions, and further traumatize victims and survivors.

Special treatment and protections are often given to abusers because of their status, proximity to one’s social circle, or position of leadership within an institutional setting.

Accommodations are often extended to an abuser when friends or associates reduce or remove responsibility and appropriate consequences for the harm they have caused, or refuse to believe the accusations when they are brought to light. When others take the side of the abuser, it is a highly traumatic experience for the survivor.

THE PATTERNS OF COMPLEXITY

The Pillars of Abuse along with a low emotional IQ contribute to the abuser’s attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors within interpersonal relationships. Outsiders may never see these signs of abuse in the abuser when they are in public.

EQ vs IQ and the Emotional Intelligence Connection to Abuse

This confuses and wrongly influences outsiders’ assumptions regarding the abuser’s character, which makes it difficult for them to believe the victim when she shares her circumstances with them.

It leads to the Double Abuse® too many experience when they are in need of help.

When people in a social circle or religious or professional community come together in a form of groupthink to support an abuser, the abuser is emboldened in their faulty thinking while the one being harmed is further oppressed.

The victim’s trauma is exacerbated because they are experiencing both the abuse and being silenced while the abuser is exalted. When others come together and convey to the abuser that they are worthy of support, rather than facing natural consequences for their destructive behaviors, it becomes more difficult for a therapist to break through the armor the abuser is relying on.

The abuser’s supportive group conveys that the abuser does not deserve consequences, which, in turn, interferes with proper interventions.

The Patterns of Complexity

The Pillars of Abuse contribute to the abuser’s attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors within interpersonal relationships. Outsiders may never see these signs of abuse when the abuser is in public. This confuses and wrongly influences outsiders’ assumptions regarding the abuser’s character, which makes it difficult for them to believe the survivor when they finally find the courage to share their experience with abuse.

Supporting Survivors of Abuse

Supporting victims and survivors of abuse is essential in helping them end the abuse and recover from the trauma they’ve experienced.

The one who has been harmed may experience emotional and/or physical trauma and financial instability. They may also be dealing with anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and physiological symptoms associated with PTSD. In some cases, the one who has been harmed may lose their job, home, or even their children due to how debilitating trauma can be.

The impact of abuse on children can also be severe and long-lasting, both for children who experience abuse directly from their primary caregiver and for children who witness abuse in their home. Children who witness emotional or physical abuse are more likely to develop mental health and physiological problems. They may also be prone to engage in abusive behavior or adopt a victim mentality themselves.

The greatest help you can provide a survivor of abuse is to allow them to share their story and process their experiences in a caring and safe environment without judgment. They need and deserve to be listened to, believed, and validated. They may also need practical support, such as help with finding housing or legal assistance, or connecting them to other resources.

And if an abuser decides to do the hard work to change, the person who has been harmed by enduring trauma gets to decide whether they can and want to reconcile the relationship, or whether they want or need to leave.

The time and work required to change is a lengthy process with many setbacks and successes. Each setback adds trauma to the survivor, therefore they must be the one given the authority to decide their next steps.

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