How The MEND Project Has Helped Me
The MEND Project has given me a place where I can express my deepest traumas and assist others who are going through or have been through circumstances and situations similar to mine. Thank you.
Losing Myself in the Relationship
Relationships can be difficult to break away from when you have invested all of yourself. How many times are enough? How many times can I tell myself things will get better?
Looking back, I had told myself this many times, over and over again. Everything in me was pushing me to leave, but the fear of being alone and without this person caused me to stay. My focus had become very misleading regarding my safety and well-being.
The relationship I was enduring was wrecking my perception of myself, and I could not see it then. The emotional manipulation and physical abuse I experienced when he felt like I needed to be taken down a peg to show he was in charge were soul-wrenching.
I felt very defeated within myself because I could not speak up when my self-worth was at stake. I had lost major parts of myself while holding on to a relationship that was ruining me physically and mentally. Most times, I thought I was going insane because I did not recognize my strengths anymore.
The Repeated Cycle of Confusion and Pain
Many times, I was lured back in when I tried to get away for my own sanity. I was promised change but only received repeated cycles of confusion and pain. I questioned love for a long time, especially love for myself.
Why did I continue to go back and let this person continue to bring me lower in my spirit? I did not know how to escape.
Prayer has been my leadway for my perception, which had been altered because of my vulnerability in this relationship I thought was for me. I began to become angry with myself because I could not see the beauty and strength within me.
Each time this person physically assaulted me, I was taken aback, and it caused me such heartache. Allowing this man to continue to hurt me made me numb to my emotions. My emotions had become all over the place. I did not know myself anymore.
Anger, regret, and shame began to consume my heart. All I could think about was, “Why me?”
Emotionally cheated on, this man would confide in other women, making me out to be the aggressor. God would give me dreams about this relationship, but I would not listen to the warnings. The result of not listening caused me great regret and shame.
Finding the Strength to Let Go
Sorrow is what I felt because I chose this person over God. I had to release this person and not look back. I would recall the good times just as much as the bad times.
Deep within, I knew I had the strength and courage to start over, remembering that this person does not define me. For many years, I went back and forth in this abusive relationship. I was ready to move on for my betterment.
Taking the time to learn about myself and love myself again has given me a reach no one can take from me. Prioritizing my self-value, morals, and prayer life has become the focal point and reason in my life.
I will no longer put others before me who do not see the love in me and the effort of love in me. The memories still linger, but the fact that I know I deserve better outweighs them.
My heart is meant for those who truly love and respect me and who want only greatness for me, as I do for them.
A Prayer I Carry With Me
A prayer I keep in my heart is Psalm 34:18.
“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”
“Thank you, God, for loving me and showing me what I need to see,” I say repeatedly to myself.