In this story of emotional abuse, you’re going to learn:
- How a wife in an emotionally abusive relationship feels about her husband
- About how she wishes things would get better
- About the ongoing struggle of trying to decide whether or not to leave
- And how drawing boundaries is the key to make things better
As always, please know we share these stories to give a voice to the author and help others. It’s important to also realize that some of the content might trigger traumatic responses based on your past or even present experiences.
We want you to feel safe, so we ask you to use your best judgment to determine whether you’re ready to hear someone else’s story of emotional abuse.
A Survivor’s Voice: The Struggle of Winter
Every year it gets worse.
There’s a build-up during Fall, usually sprinkled with some brutal arguments.
Winter is the worst, especially during Christmastime.
It’s a literal cold war of not speaking due to the risk of stepping on a land mine of explosive behavior and words.
Finances are scarce, leading to even more opportunities to argue.
Emotional Turmoil: The Hidden Bruises
The bad days give me a preview of what I can only imagine hell to be like.
On those days, the emotional pain is so excruciating that it feels reminiscent of physical bruises.
These bruises aren’t visible, they’re internal—as if my entire soul is bruised and sobbing.
I can feel your hatred radiating off of you like a kettle about to boil. You really can’t stand me. I feel it in every cold look darted my way.
Walking on Eggshells: The Daily Reality
Why do I bother you so much? What did I do that irritated you today?
There are occasional moments of reprieve from it, but they’re always short-lived.
That’s when I have to be extra careful not to ‘spoil’ your mood because the blow-up will be even worse.
Something always inevitably spoils it though.
I’ll bring up someone’s name, cook a meal at the “wrong” time, or breathe. And you’ll remind me how much you hate being around me and how much better your life was before you met me (over a decade ago) and I poisoned your happy existence.
The Cycle of Abuse: Trapped but Hopeful
I always convince myself to just get through Christmas and create my exit plan after.
There have been years of this. With no options for places to go, and even less money to make this plan happen, I feel stuck… and frustrated.
So frustrated.
Love doesn’t abandon. Which is perhaps why I’m still here—though I sometimes doubt the depth of this love.
Could it be love if it’s saturated with so much hurt, pain, name-calling, confusion (SO much confusion), aggression, attitude, deadening silence, regret, anger, resentment, and lack of respect?
The Spring of Temporary Relief
Eventually, Spring comes.
With the help of a tax return (that I never see), your mood is lighter.
We still argue, but usually much less.
And there are good times that remind me why I’ve stayed in this game so long anyway.
That’s the toughest part.
There are good days (or parts of days). And they are wonderful.
They are what I cling to in the hopes that they would one day be the norm.
You are charming, and you engage with our boys.
You make me laugh too, and we forget about the bad.
We laugh about things that would otherwise set you off, and genuinely enjoy each other for a while.
Then something (a call, a text, one too many meltdowns from our kids, me risking bringing up an upcoming event that we were invited to)—something will inevitably set you off, and the cycle repeats itself.
And I wonder why I talked myself off the ledge while you were in a better mood, knowing perfectly well that your mood would flip and I would once again become the enemy.
I knew it. But I hoped.
Why has it taken me so long to share this thorough explanation of my feelings?
Same reason I haven’t said it to you in person.
The crimson soul that’s been delicately crafted and poured like melted butter won’t translate as a rose-colored aroma of a beating heart on fire, crying to be understood and empathized with.
Instead, you’ll sniff the black ash of a whiny rant that you’ve heard before (and twisted, refuted, and ultimately misunderstood altogether).
A Plea for Change
I want you to work on yourself and learn how to better love others—to love me—the way I deserve to be loved and cherished.
I truly do want our marriage to heal from this.
I want to heal from this.
But I need you to want to change and take action. Not just say what I want to hear.
If you do, that’s manipulation and I won’t tolerate it anymore.
Setting Boundaries
This is Abuse.
It’s gone on for way too long, and I won’t take it anymore.
If you continue to speak and behave abusively, I will have no choice but to leave with the boys.
I really don’t want to uproot our lives and do that, but I will.
With love,
Your wife.
Conclusion: You Are Not Alone
If you find yourself in this situation, we are sorry you are experiencing this.
It is not your fault.
Please read through the behaviors of Covert Emotional Abuse found in our resources if you suspect you’re stuck in an abusive situation.
If you feel stuck and unable to leave because you have “nothing,” follow the steps in this guide to learn safe ways to leave an abusive situation.
Keep reading, learning, and knowing you are worth it.
Remember: you are not alone.
Countless survivors were once victims of the same type of abuse you are currently enduring.
They are now healing on the other side of abuse.
There is hope.