Meet Katy.
Katy was born in Cleveland, OH. and was raised in a loving, conservative Christian home. When she was 22, she met and fell in love with a man from her church who became her husband.
In this story of emotional abuse, you’re going to hear:
- A survivor story of control and manipulation
- How isolation can make abuse more dangerous and destructive
- How Double Abuse® can happen when victims try to talk about their trauma
- How there IS hope and help for victims of abuse
It Started During Their Engagement
During their engagement, Katy began to notice issues of control and manipulation.
After they married, they moved to Los Angeles—away from family and friends, and joined a new church.
He led worship, and they co-led Bible studies.
But her husband was vastly different in private than he was in public.
Control and Manipulation Became The ‘Norm’
Control and manipulation became deep emotional abuse. Katy learned he was a sex addict and was cheating on her.
The wounds Katy received from the abuse and betrayal of her husband were causing deep scars for her.
She knew she needed help, but did not know what to do, because divorce had never been presented as an option for her as a Christian.
Desperate, Katy cried out to her spiritual advisor for help.
Unfortunately, Help Didn’t Find Her
Because she didn’t have physical scars from his abuse, her cries for help were considered “over-dramatic” and “over-sensitive.”
She was told to “keep praying," “go home,” “be submissive,” and to just “make it work.”
Worse yet, while he was still cheating on her, Katy was told to make sure she maintained physical intimacy with him.
Katy and her ex-husband did not get the help they needed, and they divorced.
He ended up moving further away from the church that wouldn’t see the problem or help him, and Katy had to leave to get help.
You Are Not Alone
Abuse of this type is far too common—and if you’re a victim or a survivor, we can help you.
Click here to find resources and help.
I see stories like this far too often online and in the media. as someone that worked with people with disabilities for 28y I can tell you there are just as many stories like this of the disabled being exploited and abused with far less opportunity for them to escape.
is there a way i can privately message please? To also include the marriage recovery center? I have ideas that affect how children need support in families doing the difficult work, healing families who have adopted children from trauma, but then find how much dysfunction is in their own family of origin whom were not given the tools, so its never about blame. The NEED is in HOW as much as awareness. its about how the brain reacts to ongoing stress creating more trauma even with great effort and education.
Hi Marie,
We are so sorry for the delayed response. We just saw your note. Please send an email to info@themendproject.com anytime to share your thoughts!
I am sitting in an uncomfortable anxiety today after a conversation with my adult son. I 'divorced' my adult children after an incident at Thanksgiving some years back-the same dissing and disregard I experienced as when I was with their father.
Enough.
Sought out a counselor (still with her after 5 1/2 years) because I knew I'd need support. While I value this support, and the 'correct' psych dx (I really really hate psychiatry-more scapegoating and years of meds that MESSED ME UP FURTHER) I do not really think there's any 'therapy' going on. She is the ally that I never had.
My youngest son now 31 years old tells me he's 'scared' of me–we both recalled an incident where I was being provoked by the narc ex (his father) and I broke down, got hysterical and while he's acting all calm and *sane*, herds my babies to the car to take them away from my 'bad behaviour'…I broke out a window in our living room that had been broken for all the years we lived there. The ex typically not at all handy around the house and used to tell me to 'do it yourself' … no money, no car no phone OK …
Son was about 7 when that happened and it messed him up…my arm bled and it was all very dramatic and he was screaming…I'm traumatized recalling it all now. Son also told me he wanted to die and thought about suicide often. I had no idea.
I left finally–he got custody–the judges and liars (oops) lawyers his pals. Cuz you know, 'crazy'…
The man hadn't had a job in 30 years, I was working as an RN but OK I guess…he did own all the assets–I got ZILCH in the divorce (took over 10 years…I did not have representation…the legal stuff was just another way to abuse me)…
And now my adult children tell me it all worked out OK cuz I was too crazy to be their mom. Funny I was OK to be their mom when he would leave us without a car or phone for days while he dinked around at our 'nursery business' 4 days a week in another town.
I am Amber Heard…I get it. I hurts to be so misunderstood by the people I care most about…
O…he still thinks I'm 'crazy' even tho I' ve not had any police encounters (yep I was arrested once for 'hitting' him while he was drunk and provoking me) or any mental health episodes since then…
I can't make them see…and I will die with these lies told about my character.
I'm so sorry for messing up my kids. I made the biggest mistake of my life by hooking up with their father–it all felt so familiar (my mom was a raging narc).
Ladies (and gents) go …NOW GO NOW…do not wait. It will not get better, no matter what shape you twist yourself into.
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story here. I can feel the depth of the pain and the love woven through your words. You’ve been through so much, and it’s clear how deeply you’ve cared for your children, even in the face of misunderstanding and the echoes of trauma.
The reflection and strength it takes to revisit these memories—and to keep moving forward—is truly remarkable. What you’ve endured, both in your marriage and in its aftermath, speaks to a lifetime of survival under immense pressure. It’s okay to feel the weight of it, and it’s okay to grieve. You’ve been carrying so much for so long.
I hear your heartbreak over your children’s pain, and I want to remind you: their struggles don’t define your worth as a mother. You did the best you could in circumstances that would have broken many. You’re not the “crazy” narrative others have tried to pin on you—you’re a survivor, navigating incredible challenges without the support you deserved. That matters.
If you haven’t already, I’d encourage you to check out the Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s designed to help bring clarity to situations just like yours and can be a powerful tool for untangling the complexity of these relationships and finding peace within yourself. Many who’ve taken it describe it as life-changing, saying it gave them a jumpstart on their healing and saved them years of therapy.
Please don’t forget to show yourself the compassion you’ve so freely given to others. The fact that you’re still seeking growth and understanding, even after everything, shows a level of courage and love that’s incredible. You’re not alone in this journey. You don’t have to carry it all on your own.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I have been abused by my ex and we are separated. The rage I feel about the system and the fact that I even feel like no one believes me even though I’m only telling the truth is infuriating. I am tired of his DARVO. I am sick of being attacked by a wicked man and I can’t do anything. I feel helpless, I’m severely isolated, and no one knows the truth. I feel like even my “therapist” is a disappointment. Even being told that I was retaliating trying to get a restraining order. This man is a psychopath and he is dangerous. He is also a porn addict and I believe possibly had an affair emotionally or digitally with sexting and cam sex. I hate how these monsters continue to get away with their abuse. No one holds them accountable, not the kangaroo courts, not the police, even their parents support the abuser at the risk of my child. These manipulators orchestrate things that way to keep you isolated, discredited and further abused by the “system”. Therapy is useless when your therapist in just another puppet of the system. I’m sick of being made out to be crazy, when he is the abuser, he is a drug addict, he is a porn addict. I am not crazy. I am just sick of being a victim. I refuse to be a victim again and I never want another man to touch me. Men care about one thing, sex, having someone cook for them, and clean up the messes they make. They do not respect women, they exploit our domestic labor, and then they turn around calling us gold digging whores in divorce court. I’m so sick of being abused and used and I never want to have sex, date, or marry ever again. I will never allow someone to force me into marriage. Marriage is slavery for women. Never again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me 2x shame on me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel the overwhelming weight of everything you’ve been through, and I want you to know—you’re not alone, and your experiences matter. The rage and helplessness you describe are so valid, especially when the system that’s supposed to protect you feels like it’s failing you at every turn. What you’re feeling isn’t just anger—it’s your strength recognizing how deeply unfair and wrong all of this is.
DARVO, manipulation, and the isolation you’ve endured are tools abusers use to keep their power, and it’s heartbreaking that even the systems and people who should be there to help are letting you down. That betrayal cuts deep, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to face that. You deserve to be believed. You deserve to feel supported. And most importantly, you deserve safety and peace.
It’s okay to feel exhausted by the fight. It’s okay to feel like you want nothing to do with relationships right now. What you’ve been through has been so much, and it’s no wonder your trust has been broken—not just by your ex, but by those who should have stood by you. Give yourself permission to feel those emotions. You’re allowed to protect yourself and prioritize your healing in whatever way feels right for you.
You mentioned therapy not feeling helpful, and I know how discouraging that can be. But please don’t lose hope in your healing. If you’re open to it, our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course might help. It’s designed to bring clarity and a sense of empowerment to situations like yours. You can learn more about it here: Finding Clarity and Healing Course. Many survivors have said it helped them feel seen and gave them tools to move forward when they felt stuck.
Your anger, your pain, your determination to never let this happen again—it’s all part of the incredible strength you’re already showing. Take it one day at a time. Rest when you need to. And know that you don’t have to do this alone. You’ve already come so far, and I hope you can see that as proof of your courage and resilience.
With care,
Annette