Understanding how to tell if someone is being abused isn't always straightforward. In this guide, we'll walk you through how to identify abuse, how to approach it, and how to interact with both the individual experiencing the abuse and the one perpetrating it, should you choose to offer assistance.
In this guide, you’ll learn:
The Basics: Identifying Abuse
Abuse is always a choice, and it is never the fault of the individual experiencing it.
Identifying abuse can be challenging for any Responder.
When a story of abuse is disclosed, it’s best to believe it’s true unless you have information that leads you to believe otherwise. Between 2 and 10 percent of individuals lie about abuse; it’s rare.
If you are a responder interacting with those experiencing abuse and those who are abusive, the most essential goal is to "Do No Further Harm."
What to Look for if You Want to Know if Someone Is Being Abused
Abuse comes in many forms, but covert emotional abuse is a common link among them. Our glossary of terms and definitions will help you identify the hidden abusive patterns that play out in abusive relationships.
If you suspect someone might be experiencing abuse, it can be challenging to know for sure, especially because abuse is often hidden or in the shadows behind closed doors. Understanding the signs can make a difference.
Below are some things to be aware of and pay attention to that may indicate various types of abuse.
Physical Abuse:
Verbal Abuse:
Emotional Abuse:
Covert Abuse:
General Signs of Abuse:
This list is by no means exhaustive. Different types of abuse may present differently, and not all individuals will display the same signs. There are several emotional signs abuse is happening.
Individuals experiencing abuse may feel a lack of emotional safety, connection, and true intimacy. Abusive individuals are often avoiders, punishing through frequent absences with little or no explanation, or pursuers, requiring the individual to endure lengthy, exhausting discussions.
Another sign abuse may be present in a relationship is multiple failed prior therapeutic experiences. There are several reasons why this happens. Therapists are not trained in matters of abuse and trauma unless they have enlisted in comprehensive Continuing Education Units (CEUs). Couples therapy, for example, is strictly prohibited in emotional and physical abuse cases, yet many therapists are unaware of their board protocols enforcing this procedural necessity. It's advisable to consult with professionals who are highly trained in responding to abuse and trauma.
Discover Essential Resources to Empower Abuse Victims
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Common Tactics Used By Abusive Individuals
Below are some common tactics used by abusers use:
Although individuals who abuse may be highly intelligent, they often have low emotional intelligence. They are disconnected from accurate emotions when relating to their partner or describing their own feelings. They lack the ability to empathize and are, therefore, unable to accurately describe what their partner may be feeling.
If you suspect someone is being abused, there are tools and resources you can use to help guide you to respond in a way that is both helpful and healing.
Interacting With the Individual Experiencing Abuse
Relationships where abuse is present are complicated and have a significant impact on the ones they harm.
You may find that individuals experiencing abuse have a difficult time communicating their experiences accurately. They have likely been in prolonged states of stress and confusion, conditioned and oppressed in numerous ways over a long period of time. They may experience a wide range of emotions and vacillate between them at any given time.
When no physical violence has occurred, individuals especially struggle to understand their stressful and confusing circumstances. Clarity regarding what constitutes emotional abuse and identifying the covert emotionally abusive behaviors they are enduring is the first necessary step toward awareness and healing. Our list of Terms and Definitions helps to bring them the clarity they need and deserve!
It’s important not to over confront or under inform the person who has been harmed. Wherever they are in the process of understanding their experience, the best thing you can do is refer to and follow our Healing Model of Compassion for guidance.
Interacting With the Individual Employing Abuse
Unlike the individual experiencing abuse, the abuser often appears calm, cool, and collected. Sometimes, they may also present in an overtly controlling manner. And their stories of prior conflicts may be riddled with contradictions, further complicated by how the abusive person distorts reality to protect their image.
To understand the mindset of the abuser better, visit our resources page to learn about The Pillars of Abuse.
It takes strength and courage to interact with someone who is employing abusive behaviors and tactics in their relationship. We strongly advise following our Accountability Model of Courage.
Conclusion
Abuse is a delicate subject that requires understanding and empathy. By examining the dynamics of the relationship and recognizing the symptoms and behaviors of both individuals involved, we are empowered to respond in ways that can lead to healing, growth, and self-restoration.