Hidden Harm: Recognizing and Overcoming Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse—or what The MEND Project refers to as covert emotional abuse—is hidden abuse and can be out of sight, going unnoticed and undetected within everyday interactions for months and even years.

In this guide, we'll explore the nature of emotional abuse, equip you with the knowledge to identify its subtle presence, and provide you with ideas on how to respond in ways that propel you into growth and healing.

The key is gaining clarity.

Covert Abuse - Hidden Emotional Abuse

Unlike physical abuse, which often leaves visible scars—emotional abuse can be unclear.

It thrives in the shadows, where those employing its tactics perpetuate chaos and confusion or constantly move to control you or your conversations through manipulation, gaslighting, blame-shifting, or coercive tactics.

The abuser may hide behind a mask of affection or concern at times, making it difficult for victims to uncover the insidious nature of their maltreatment.

The manipulative nature of emotional abuse causes most victims to think something is intrinsically wrong with themselves or that they are not loveable while overwhelming their internal voice with self-doubt.

It’s essential to understand the devious ways in which emotional abuse hides if you wish to live free from its clutches and embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse that involves the use of words or actions to control conversations, squelch the victim’s autonomy, and manipulate, intimidate, or frighten another person.

It can be just as harmful as physical abuse, and it can have lasting psychological effects.

This type of abuse can occur in various kinds of relationships, such as romantic partnerships, friendships, in the workplace, or even in parent-to-child or other family dynamics.

Some common types of emotional abuse include:

Verbal abuse: This includes name-calling, insults, threats, put-downs, raging, and so forth.
Isolating: This involves controlling who the victim can see or talk to and preventing them from having a social life. They may discourage or prevent the victim from spending time with loved ones, further perpetuating the feeling of dependency on the abuser. This can be done by subtle criticisms of outsiders or overtly demanding the victim’s loyalty. Note: Self-isolation, which is different than being isolated by a partner, can also happen. This is when the victim withdraws from friends and/or family due to the high levels of stress, confusion, and self-doubt that emotional abuse causes.
Controlling: This can involve trying to control every aspect of the victim's life, including their finances, time, and decisions. In more subtle forms, the abuser controls conversations by blocking the victim’s attempt to share concerns, complaints, or hurts. In essence, the abuser is defensive and argumentative rather than utilizing the victim’s concern to deepen connections.
Manipulating: This involves using guilt, shame, gaslighting, blame-shifting, or fear to get the victim to do what you want, to become confused, or to think they are wrong.
Constant Criticism: The abusive partner consistently finds fault with the victim, making disparaging remarks about their appearance, intelligence, or capabilities. They may belittle the victim's efforts, demeaning them in private or in front of others.
Gaslighting: The abuser manipulates the victim's perception of reality, often denying or invalidating their experiences, emotions, or memories. This leaves the victim doubting their own sanity and feeling confused about what happened or what is true or false.
Emotional Withdrawal: The abuser withholds affection, emotional support, or validation as a form of punishment or control. They may give the silent treatment for extended periods of time or emotionally distance themselves to create anxiety and distress in the victim. This is not to be confused with when a victim withholds communication or intimacy as a boundary to protect themselves from emotional or physical abuse.
Manipulative Guilt-Tripping: The abusive partner employs guilt as a tool to make the victim feel responsible for the abuser's emotions or actions. They may use phrases like "If you loved me, you would..." or "You're the reason I'm unhappy." or “Nothing I do makes you happy.”
Financial Control: The abuser may exert control over the family finances, limiting the victim's access to money or resources, thereby making them financially dependent and more vulnerable.
Threats and Intimidation: The abusive partner may use threats of violence, harm, or abandonment to maintain control and instill fear in the victim.
Undermining Independence: The abuser undermines the victim's confidence and decision-making abilities, treating them as unsatisfactory or incapable of managing their own life or making sound choices.
Blame-Shifting: Whenever issues arise, the abusive partner shifts blame onto the victim, making them feel wrongly responsible for the problem.
Emotional Infidelity: The abuser may engage in emotional affairs or flirtations with others, disregarding the impact it has on the victim's feelings and trust in the relationship.
Catastrophizing: The abuser overreacts and blows things out of proportion, creating unnecessary chaos in the relationship.
Countering: The victim raises a reasonable concern or request. The abuser may or may not agree to honor that request, while in actuality, they do the opposite.
DARVO: This acronym is Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim with Offender. The abuser refuses to accept responsibility for their wrongdoing and criticizes or attacks the victim while at the same time declaring they are the victim and the actual victim is the abuser.

There are many more terms and definitions on The MEND Project’s website.

Emotional abuse can have a devastating impact on the victim's mental and emotional health. It can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. The constant surge of stress hormones ultimately leads to physical illnesses that are difficult to explain. It can also make it difficult to trust others and to have healthy relationships. Victims can languish in prolonged states of stress and confusion for months, years, or even decades, not understanding the underlying source of their relationship problems is domestic violence by way of covert emotional abuse.

Emotional Abuse in Marriage and Intimate Relationships

Emotional abuse within a marriage or other intimate relationship is a distressing and harmful pattern of behaviors where one partner seeks to power over, exert control, manipulate, and dominate the other emotionally or physically.

This form of abuse can be subtle and insidious, making it challenging for the victim to identify and escape the cycle.

Emotional abuse can lead to the erosion of the victim's self-esteem, independence, and overall well-being, often leaving them feeling trapped in circular conversations with no solutions and feelings of profound loneliness even though they are in a relationship.

Access Free Resources to Aid Your Healing Journey

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How to Deal With Emotional Abuse

Dealing with emotional abuse is no easy matter.

Here’s a basic plan or framework to show what that process looks like.

Identify the Behavior: Pay attention to consistent patterns of belittling, manipulation, control, or gaslighting in the relationship. Recognize that emotional abuse is not acceptable and is not your fault. The more you familiarize yourself with our terms and definitions, the more capable you will be of disengaging from conversations that wrongly blame or attempt to control you.

Establish Boundaries: Acknowledge the importance of setting clear boundaries with the abuser. Communicate your limits and consequences if they do not comply. Be prepared to enforce them firmly. This is no easy task. Take baby steps until you feel comfortable setting boundaries on more significant issues. Consider a separation. If the abuse persists despite efforts to change, consider removing yourself from the abusive situation for your well-being. This can also be a valuable boundary to motivate the abuser to self-reflect on their prior behaviors. This is also an opportunity for you to see your partner's true intentions over a lengthy period of time.If you are experiencing physical violence, we don’t recommend setting boundaries. Establishing a safety and exit plan is essential.

Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide emotional support, validation, and guidance throughout the process.

Take The MEND Project’s Survivor Course. This four-module course is titled "Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships." Victims often report that taking the course saved them approximately one year of therapy processing their experiences. You will gain a comprehensive understanding of your situation, your mindset, the mindset of the abuser, and the next steps to healing.

Plan for Safety: If you decide to separate from the abuser, create a safety plan. This may involve finding a safe place to stay, notifying friends and family—identifying a confidential word you can text to alert them in an emergency, documenting passwords you can change, and duplicating and protecting important documents.

Detach Emotionally: Begin the process of distancing yourself emotionally from the abuser. Limit contact as much as possible and avoid engaging in their attempts to manipulate or control you. Some call this gray rock. It’s important to realize that there is no other productive way to communicate with an emotional abuser. Think of all the ways you have already tried to reach a breakthrough to no avail. It’s time to guard your heart and mind. Refrain from being vulnerable or expecting to reach an emotional connection with someone who is not capable or interested.

Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and self-compassion. Engage in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, and consider seeking professional counseling to help with healing. Activity produces endorphins, which can help to counter stress hormones surging through your body.

Join Supportive Communities: Connect with support groups or online communities where others have experienced emotional abuse and domestic violence. Sharing experiences and insights can provide validation and strength. Connect with trusted friends and family members and strive hard to avoid self-isolation.

Rebuild Independence: Gradually reclaim your independence and decision-making abilities. Surround yourself with positive influences that empower and uplift you.

Explore Legal Options: If necessary, consult a legal professional to understand your rights and explore options for protection, such as restraining orders or divorce proceedings—it’s imperative that you do so confidentially. You may unrealistically think your partner would never be unfair or retaliate against you. This is a time to prepare for the worst rather than being naive.

Celebrate Progress: Recognize and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Healing from emotional abuse takes time, so be patient and kind to yourself as you move towards a healthier future.

Remember, dealing with emotional abuse can be challenging, but taking these steps is essential for your well-being and growth. Seek support, stay committed to your healing journey, and know that you are worthy, loveable, and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

For more tips on dealing with emotional abuse, check out this How to Heal from Emotional Abuse guide.

How to Stop Emotional Abuse

Facing emotional abuse, setting boundaries, and escaping from its insidious grasp can be an incredibly challenging and emotionally draining process. The abuser's manipulation and gaslighting tactics can lead the victim to doubt their own perceptions and worth, creating a sense of dependency and fear.

You are likely trauma bonded to your abusive partner, which can make decision-making, setting and following through with boundaries, and/or leaving profoundly difficult. Trauma bonds are similar to an addiction. You fear being abandoned and so forth. You seek comfort from the very person who is harming you. See our article on trauma bonding here.

Setting boundaries requires immense courage, as the abuser may resist or escalate their harmful behaviors in response. Additionally, breaking free from emotional abuse often involves leaving behind familiar aspects of one's life and confronting the unknown. These steps can be highly stressful. It’s important to note that this form of stress is healthy. It is breaking free from the cycle of abuse. So many victims of abuse have gone before you and have found the path to healing and thriving. You are not alone!

Believe in yourself and know that you deserve respect and a healthy relationship. Trust in your ability to create positive change in your life. Build a support network and surround yourself with individuals who validate your experiences and empower you to take positive steps.

As you focus on your healing, engage in self-care as you heal from the emotional trauma and regain strength. Prioritize your well-being, make yourself a priority, and know that you have the right to live a life free from emotional abuse. Despite the challenges, these things are vital to reclaiming personal agency and embarking on a path toward healing and empowerment.

Conclusion

You are not defined by the abuse you've endured.

Acknowledging and confronting emotional abuse is a courageous step towards reclaiming your life, happiness, and well-being.

As you embark on this path of healing and self-discovery, be patient and compassionate with yourself. Healing takes time, but each small step forward is a victory worth celebrating.

Surround yourself with a support system that understands your journey and empowers you to grow stronger daily. If you don’t have family or friends you can trust, numerous online resources can help fill this void.

Embrace the power within you to break free from the cycle of emotional abuse and create a life filled with love, respect, and positivity.

It’s time to embark on a path toward reclaiming your personal power, rediscovering your voice and strength, and claiming the freedom you deserve.