How Partial Confessions in Relationships May Be Covert Abuse

Labeling “partial confessions” as a term of abuse may be confusing to some people.

How can a partial confession be considered abuse? Isn’t it good for someone to be willing to apologize, at least in part, for wrongful behavior? It’s better than no apology, right?

It isn’t easy for anyone to admit they have failed or to acknowledge the harm they may have caused. You might not think you should wait for a full apology.

You might even think the most loving thing you can do for someone is to affirm their effort and show gratitude for a partial admission.

This is like building half of a bridge and then trying to reach the other side.

In this blog post you will:

The Fallacy of a Partial Confession

As the person who has been harmed, a partial confession might be welcome at first. It can feel like a soothing balm to the deep hurt and rejection you have suffered.

You may interpret the partial confession to be a sign of their love for you and their supposed willingness to work on themselves. Perhaps you are comforted by the confession. Maybe you want to just settle.

But a partial confession is actually a pitfall on the road to true healing.

Why a Partial Confession is Still Abuse

As a responder (marriage mentor, pastor, advisor, therapist, family, or friend), you may be touched by the partial confession. You could accept it as a courageous act of humility, an authentic marker of reconciliation in a broken relationship. The partial confession might encourage you to forgive your partner, come together, and continue on the path of “happily ever after”.

But in an abusive relationship, partial confessions are common and are part of an ongoing, regular pattern. It’s a tactic designed to minimize the severity of an abusive action or to sustain ongoing abuse and control over their partner.

“Partial confessions” are when a series of covert emotionally abusive behaviors are taking place and the abuser chooses only one point to apologize for. The act of apologizing for one small offense throws the victim or responder off-balance. They lose sight of the core wounds needing to be healed. The abuser seems authentic but is actually throwing up a smoke screen to obscure focus on all that has taken place.

We all want hope. Often, the victim is desperate to find any point of authentic connection with their partner. Anything that will compel them to believe they have a chance to repair.

So a partial confession temporarily lulls a victim into a sense of safety. They even become okay with ignoring the abuser’s refusal to take responsibility for more chronic or serious behaviors. A half apology can deceive the victim into believing their abuser desires to change and is willing to do significant work during the long haul to recovery.

The abuser gives the bread crusts of semi-sorry – but withholds true redress.

The Temptation to Settle for Less

More than anything, the victim wants to believe their partner loves them and is sorry for hurting them. Handing out false hope, the abuser prevents the victim from setting firm boundaries, separating, or leaving the relationship. They avoid having to change.

Partial confessions are never enough to justify the victim’s confidence that their partner is assuming the responsibility to change. Anything less than a total admission to wrongdoing with reparations commensurate to the harm caused is merely a distraction from patterns of abuse being used without end.

An abuser needs to demonstrate a desire to change through ongoing actions of transformation that result in sustained change over a long period before a victim can begin to trust them.

Far too often, victims don’t hold the line against covert behaviors once the partial confession has been made. The partial confession successfully deceives them into believing there is hope.

How to React as a Responder

What often happens is that the victim is encouraged by well-meaning but uninformed responders to remain within the destructive relationship cycle. The MEND Project uses the term “responder” to describe any person or entity to whom a victim discloses their experience of abuse.

Any one of us could be a responder and, most likely, many of us will play the role of responder at some point. It is a good thing to value marriage and to desire that people remain committed to their marriages. But far too often, responders are overly focused on keeping the marriage together.

Responders need to be aware of this blind spot. It can be the shadow where violence is destroying the victim and/or children within the family.

Because of this, they may encourage the victim to forgive and forget other covert behaviors in response to the partial confession.

The responder may be reasoning that the abuser has so much shame for all they have done that it’s nearly impossible, even unloving, to expect them to acknowledge everything. The responder may believe that the partial confession demonstrates a changed heart compelling them to show grace. Their empathy pours out to the abuser while they pressure the victim to “let it go” and reconcile.

Responding this way is not helping the couple or saving their marriage. Instead, it erects reinforcements that sustain the abusive dynamic, which has not stopped.

How to Counsel Toward True Reconciliation

For the partial confession to give any hope, the victim and responders must encourage the abuser through strict accountability, to confess the other points of their harmful behavior. They must not be satisfied until there is a complete confession along with reparations equal to the harm done.

It’s essential that the person causing harm specifically name and acknowledge personal responsibility for the covert behaviors or tactics that have harmed their partner. Being able to do so usually takes significant work and time in therapy or with a batterer’s intervention program for at least a couple of years.

The abuser needs to desire to change and be willing to do the work that will result in change. Eventually, the abuser needs to make a complete confession along with reparations for the harm done both to the victim and, if the victim desires, publicly to family, friends, therapists, pastors, and any other people who are close to the couple or are part of the couple’s support team.

In summary, as a responder you should settle for nothing less than:

• Assume responsibility for specific covert abuses
• Full confession of harmful behavior
• Agreement to submit to strict accountability
• Continued commitment to reparations in the relationship

Full Confession: the Only Path to Full Healing

The victim should be a responder’s primary concern. A partial confession is nothing more than a tactic by the abuser to maintain control over the victim and to shift responsibility onto the victim. Any alignment by the responder with the abuser at this time is collusion and enables them to continue abusing the victim.

It’s also important to realize that the empathy a responder believes they are demonstrating by letting the abuser off the hook as a result of the partial confession is causing further damage to both individuals, helping neither.

Studies have shown that partial confessions sustain the shame the victim experiences. They also embolden the abuser which in the long run comes at a high emotional cost to both the victim and the one causing harm.

To bring true and lasting healing to a relationship with ongoing abuse, it’s imperative that responders and victims be willing to hold abusers accountable for each and every behavior causing harm to the victim. They must remove the veil of ignorance and misplaced responsibility by becoming educated and aware about the signs of abuse and how to stop it in its tracks.