Covert Abuse: Identifying Hidden Forms of Emotional Manipulation

What is covert abuse, and what is covert emotional abuse?

“Covert” means “hidden” or “secret.”

Covert abuse involves specific manipulative behavioral tactics that are hard to spot and difficult to define.

Without gaining clarity and access to the proper language to describe the hidden forms of emotionally abusive behaviors, they are nearly impossible to explain or confront. 

This subtle form of emotional abuse usually continues unabated for years or decades before the victim recognizes the cause of their stress, confusion, and trauma. 

Covert abuse happens in all types of relationships: friendship, family, romantic, and business. 

In this article, we will share what covert abuse is, help you identify it by teaching you its signs and tactics, and help you learn what it does to various types of relationships. We’ll also teach you how you can get help.

Let’s dive in.

How Is Covert Abuse Hidden?

What is it, and why do we call it covert abuse?

Covert abuse includes the continuous use of various types of subtle behaviors in a pattern that is intended to manipulate, control, or subdue the abuser’s target.

Covert abuse isn’t necessarily loud or obvious, either to the victim or those who witness the relationship. Most often, it appears as if “something is off,” but there’s little you can pinpoint.

The covert abuser takes pieces of reality or known vulnerabilities of the victim and twists them in ways that are designed to weaken the position of the one being harmed in the relationship, make them question their reality, and deceive them into believing false narratives about themselves or what really occurred.

These mind games create confusion and significant emotional and physical stress for the one being harmed.

The victim often feels consumed by self-doubt, anxiety, and distress. It is as if they are dying inside, becoming a shell of their former self.

The inability to identify these very confusing manipulative behaviors that are meant to downgrade the victim’s perspectives or position makes covert abuse nearly impossible to figure out or address.

While the victim desperately searches for answers, the covert abuse continues.

Victims suffer in silence without understanding the source of their relationship problems. This is why covert abuse is known as hidden abuse.

Now, let’s go deeper.

Overt vs. Covert Psychological Abuse and Their Connection

It can sometimes be easier to recognize overt abuse.

The victim of overt abuse is more readily able to name the act that is harming the relationship. This more obvious form of abuse enables the victim to explain to their partner and others what is wrong and facilitates their ability to get help.

Within overt emotional abuse, some victims can discern accurately that something is wrong with their partner. In contrast, covert emotional abuse victims often internalize that something must be wrong with themselves.

Overt abuse - such as raging, threatening, put-downs, name-calling, breaking items, or physical abuse - is almost always combined with covert tactics of abuse.

When both overt and covert abuse takes place, the abuser vacillates between the two types of abusive behavior with a mindset that is most often aimed at powering over and controlling the other. The interplay between both forms of abuse keeps the victim off-kilter and confused.

Overt and covert abuse often play off of each other, but not always.

There are cases where overt abuse, such as rage, is not necessarily indicative of an abusive mindset. The person who rages may not engage in other controlling or intimidating behaviors. In this case, they may solely have a hard time coping with daily challenges and need an anger management program.

When a true abuser is challenged on their overt behavior, it is common for them to switch to another overt or covert tactic. This further exhausts the victim as the abuser aims to gain the power advantage over them.

This is why we must become adept at recognizing abusive behaviors as well as the mindset and attitudes driving the abuser’s behaviors (link to Pillars of Abuse?).

Ultimately, it’s critical to develop the proper language to name the abuse tactics being used so the victim won’t be blindsided and can disengage rather than engage in crazy-making covert conversations.

The Signs of Covert Abuse

There are several signs of covert abuse.

What a Victim of Covert Abuse or Covert Narcissism Might Feel

It’s important to note that victims of covert emotional abuse suffer from high levels of stress and confusion. They over-function, or said another way, carry the lion’s share of the relational work, as they aim to do everything right and find solutions to unmanageable conflicts.

Victims may find they have thoughts like:

These thoughts commonly carried by victims of covert emotional abuse demonstrate how being undermined by their partner impacts their self-perceptions and identity.

2. If You’re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You Can’t Get Enough Sleep

Chances are, you are emotionally and physically exhausted!

Prolonged stress creates heightened stress hormones and overtaxes the endocrine system, leading to adrenal fatigue and hypervigilance, among other issues. This makes it difficult to relax or find deep rest.

Neverending conflict exhausts the victim’s body. No matter how long they lie in bed, deep sleep is hard to attain. Over time, the lack of sleep contributes to immune and other physical decline.

3. If You’re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You Are Constantly Running Into Walls

Covert emotional abusers make most conversations exceedingly exhausting for the victim - especially opportunities to resolve conflict.

It’s common for the person on the receiving end of the abuse to feel confused and highly stressed. Their genuine efforts to communicate effectively are met by various toxic emotional roadblocks put in place to power over the victim rather than to transition the conversation to mutually satisfying solutions.

Any attempt to bring calm into stressful encounters goes nowhere, making the victim feel like they are constantly running into a wall and running out of options.

What begins as frustration often evolves into bitterness, depression, and anxiety.

4. If You’re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You Are the “Crazy” One

Conversations seem to go in circles. The destructive nature of this form of hidden abuse gives the victim the sense that they are truly going crazy.

Covert abuse tactics, by definition, are crazy-making.

The trauma they cause affects one so significantly that, over time, the victim’s ability to control their thoughts or regulate their emotions becomes compromised. They may lose their sense of reality and question their memory or perceptions.

It seems impossible to understand what is happening to them, and they remain unsure of what is causing it, usually for quite a long time.

5. If You’re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Anxious or Fearful

Many victims experience fear and anxiety daily.

If you feel anxious or fearful around your partner, consider emotionally or physically detaching from them.

6. If You’re a Victim of Covert Abuse, You May Feel Like You’re Depressed and All Alone

Many victims become depressed from experiencing covert abuse.

Rather than taking responsibility for their harmful behavior toward their partner, the abuser blames the victim’s depressed demeanor as the cause of the relationship problems. This successfully shifts everyone’s attention onto the victim to cure the relationship.

In reality, the hidden abuse is the problem and also is what’s causing the depression, not the other way around.

Minimization

Minimization is the belittling of the victim’s perspective with the intention to make the victim’s stance or what the victim values unimportant, consequently silently diminishing their confidence, creativity, and individuality.

Minimization is abusive when used repeatedly within a relationship to break down boundaries and attack the victim’s self-worth and values.

Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting occurs when the abuser refuses to take responsibility for a situation—and instead, assigns the liability to others, usually the victim.

“Well, I wouldn’t have gotten angry if you’d just done the dishes when I asked you to.”

Or, after directing a sarcastic joke at the victim, blaming them for being too sensitive when they disapprove.

The victim experiences pain first in the originating harm, and again when they are blamed.

Blame-shifting stifles conflict resolution and helps the abuser evade personal responsibility.

Gaslighting

There are many forms of gaslighting.

The primary intent is to rewrite history and cause the victim to doubt their own perspectives or memories. The abuser changes the narrative to support their denial, lies, or selfish objectives by saying something like, “I never said that,” or “I never did that.”

The victim is unsuspecting and may become consumed with self-doubt or feel like they are going “crazy.”

Many victims feel they need to write down what took place during an argument or record discussions to later prove to themselves they are not crazy.

Countering

Regardless of the victim’s requests and how reasonable the request may be, the abuser may initially agree to comply, but they ultimately do the opposite.

Catastrophizing

This takes place when the victim shares their thoughts or feelings, and the abuser blows the situation out of proportion.

Or maybe the victim made a small mistake, and the abuser catastrophizes the situation and portrays the victim as having intentionally tried to harm or disrespect them.

Avoiding Responsibility at All Costs

Self-reflection is required for someone to take responsibility for their actions and self-reflection is not built into the abuser’s belief system.

The abuser does not healthily manage their own defenses. They are chronically defensive.

Instead of owning up to their immature and harmful words and actions, a covert abuser will rapidly shift from one manipulative tactic to another. As soon as the victim identifies blame-shifting, for example, and sets a boundary, the abuser will move to lying or withholding or any number of other manipulative behaviors. When these behaviors constantly change, it becomes nearly impossible for the victim to identify the patterns being employed against them.

Abusers are more interested in powering over the victim and winning arguments than in connecting emotionally or listening authentically.

A lack of clarity and being continually blamed for all the wrongs in the relationship significantly wears the victim down both emotionally and physically.

No Sincere Apology with Meaningful Change

Victims rarely receive a sincere apology for the abuse.

The victim is more likely to be blamed for the pain they are feeling.

Even a partial apology is likely to be administered in a condescending tone, making it impossible for the victim to experience emotional safety. Often, the apology is incongruent with the abuser’s facial expressions or body language. The abuser is simply checking the box to move on with no intention of changing their behavior.

Ultimately, abusers wrongly judge the victim’s feelings when they don’t align with the abuser’s expectations.

In a healthy relationship, a full and authentic apology is administered in ways that make the victim feel cared for. A genuine apology will include sincere remorse, validation of the victim’s feelings, reparations commensurate to the harm caused, and immediate change.

These steps demonstrate what is required if one truly accepts responsibility for one's actions. To do less than equates to empty words.

The Effects of Covert Abuse on Relationships

Most understand covert abuse can happen in any romantic relationship.

It also occurs in other relationships, such as between parent and child, at school among peers, and in the workplace.

Covert Abuse in Marriage and Romantic Relationships

All it takes is one emotionally abusive behavior repeated in a pattern to be destructive to a relationship.

If done repeatedly, lying, playing the victim, or belittling the other person’s concerns will ruin the safety and trust between closely linked individuals.

The solution for the partner whose trust has been betrayed may seem simple to those on the outside.

“Just leave.”

But it’s not simple. It can be very complicated to leave. There are finances to consider, custody of children, and the victim instinctively knows that the abuser is likely to retaliate and amp up abuse after a separation.

However, the love bombing happens in a flash and then ends abruptly when the abuse begins.

Once the honeymoon phase transitions into abusive behavior, the victim is blindsided and confused—causing them to doubt themselves and second-guess themselves and wonder what they may have done wrong to upset their partner.

They miss the great guy or gal their lover was when they met and they long to get that feeling back.

At first sight, the hurtful behavior may be dismissed as a short-term diversion from the person they thought they married. In a sense, victims gaslight themselves.

• “They’ve been under a lot of pressure.”
• “He’s just stressed.”
• “She’s been feeling down.”

They believe that the positive side of their partner will return.

Sometimes it does—for brief moments, anyway.

Many abusive relationships have a continuous cycle, moving from periods of abuse to love bombing.

Cultural Conditioning

People’s views on marriage or romantic partnership are molded by various unconscious or overt messages by culture.

In many cultures, but particularly religious ones, the ‘institution of marriage’ is prized above the well-being of the victim and children within that marriage. These cultures teach and believe that when one commits to a long-term relationship, they will weather any storm with their partner, regardless of the relationship’s destructive nature.

The deep level of spiritual beliefs regarding the sanctity of marriage can make it difficult to confront the abuse or leave the relationship.

The victim doesn’t see a solution when trust and safety are violated.

It’s not uncommon for outsiders within a particular culture to wonder if the couple’s problems are the victim’s fault. Victims are often not believed. Others may think the victim hasn’t been a good enough partner, husband, or wife.

So, the victim tries harder.

This is exactly how their abuser wants them to feel.

Signs of Covert Abuse in Marriage and Romantic Relationships

There are many signs of destructive power and control within a relationship. To help you determine whether or not your relationship is abusive, below are some common signs to consider.

Stonewalling conversations. When the victim raises a reasonable complaint or concern or expresses their hurt by something their partner did or said, rather than responding healthily, the victim experiences stonewalling tactics derailing the conversation.

Stonewalling tactics employ covert emotionally abusive behaviors such as minimization, blame-shifting, playing the victim, gaslighting, and catastrophizing. In essence, the abuser uses multiple behavioral tactics to block the victim’s points of concern from being authentically discussed or resolved.

*Many more behavioral tactics may be used to stonewall conversations. Please refer to the terms and definitions on our website for a more comprehensive list.

Chronic defensiveness. In a healthy relationship, both parties demonstrate an authentic curiosity to understand their partner’s point of view. However, in a destructive relationship, the abuser is unwilling or unable to manage their own defenses, so they don’t stay on the topic raised.

Instead, they distort the truth or turn everything around on the victim, which hijacks the conversation.

Many victims express that the conversation was so confusing they could not remember what escalated it into an argument or how it started in the first place. With chronic defensiveness, it’s as though the abuser needs to win all arguments regardless of the negative impact on the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, conflicts typically take only a few minutes of discussion, and where mutual listening and respect lead to mutually agreed-upon solutions.

Lack of empathy. Victims may feel their partner is not genuinely concerned about their feelings or how their partner's words and behaviors impact them.

Rather than easily identifying that something is wrong with the abuser, the victim begins to internalize that something may be wrong with themselves.

Those who are being harmed find themselves feeling incredibly lonely within the relationship, often feeling unheard and misunderstood. They may feel they don’t know how to communicate effectively, that something must be intrinsically wrong with them, or they might feel unloveable or unworthy of emotional support.

Many victims report that it never dawned on them that their partner operates from an entirely different worldview regarding how relationships should function.

Absence of emotional connection: Rather than the abusive partner providing space for the victim’s feelings and experiences within the relationship, the victim is dismissed and devalued.

The victim does not experience an authentic and meaningful emotional connection with mutual respect, compassion, or emotional safety. Most victims are empathic and genuinely care for their partner's well-being, while the abuser is self-focused.

Many victims are willing to try anything to meet their partner’s needs, while at the same time, the abusive partner isn’t willing to do any emotional heavy lifting to meet the victim’s needs.

Chronic stress and confusion. Stress levels are high where covert abuse is present.

The relationship takes a toll on one’s mind and body, leaving victims feeling depressed or anxious. And they can’t quite figure out the root cause of their relationship problems.

Conflicts become confusing, leading them to doubt themselves or become reactive, angry, and frustrated with the abusive partner, which is not in line with the victim’s normal character.

Chronic stress and confusion often lead to the development of PTSD, where the victim’s brain and body become compromised. The brain reacts rather than responds in an involuntary fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. And thinking and communication become fragmented.

Additionally, prolonged states of high stress and confusion negatively impact the body, leading to auto-immune diseases, chronic pain, digestive issues, headaches, and so forth.

Unresolved conflict. Where covert abuse is present, conflicts rarely lead to mutually respectful solutions.

The abusive partner is more interested in powering over the victim and winning arguments than they are negotiating rationally so both individuals feel seen and heard. There is a sense of chaos in arguments rather than a calm disagreement.

Entitlement. The abuser behaves as though they can dominate the victim from a hierarchal position. They may not say it out loud or admit it to themselves, but they carry deeply entrenched beliefs that they rule over the victim.

The one causing harm believes they are entitled to make the final decision when both disagree.

The abuser believes that the victim’s needs and wants are less important than their own.

Many victims even notice their partner has rules that apply to the victim, but those same rules don’t apply to the abuser.

Image Management. This is where the abusive partner appears very differently to outsiders than they do behind closed doors.

They may be the life of the party or volunteer in the community or faith-based organization to appear wonderful, while the victim experiences them differently.

They may speak highly of the victim to others to appear like a kind and loving spouse.

Or, they may disparage the victim behind their back to undermine the victim’s position in the community. For example, they may say, “Nothing I do makes my spouse happy.” Or, “Please pray for my spouse because they are mentally compromised and reactive.”

All of these behaviors are shallow and on display to benefit the abuser’s reputation while further confusing and compromising the victim.

Covert Emotional Abuse can also include coercive control.

Some examples are:

1. You Feel You Need to Ask Permission to Do Anything

It might start simply:

“It doesn’t feel like you love me when you don’t tell me where you’re going.”

Or…

“It makes me uncomfortable when you hang out with your friends; I know they don’t like me.”

Then, it escalates into an angry outburst when you return after being gone for a couple of hours.

To maintain the relationship, you begin to ask before doing anything. Often, the answer will be “no.”

Or, if it’s a “yes,” it will still come with consequences—as if they never gave permission.

2. You Are Isolated From Family Members and Friends

Similarly, your partner may ask you not to spend so much time with your friends because “they hate me.”

Perhaps they give you the silent treatment for several days because you went to dinner with your dad.

Or, they get angry when you talk with anyone else about your relationship.

Eventually, it seems easier to maintain peace if you isolate yourself from friends and family.

3. You Are Privately or Publicly Shamed for Vulnerabilities You’ve Shared

Exposing another’s vulnerabilities is an effective tactic of betrayal and control.

Covert abusers may demand access to journals, email, and social media accounts to identify confidential things they can expose later to shut the victim down.

In a healthy relationship, one can safely let their guard down—but that’s not the case where there is abuse.

If you’ve shared weaknesses, fears, or sensitivities with your partner who later shamed you or exposed them publicly to mock or embarrass you, it is a sign you may be in an abusive relationship.

4. You Have Little to No Control Over Finances

Financial abuse is a common form of covert abuse.

Through it, the victim becomes completely financially dependent on their partner.

When the couple’s finances are shared or joint, both partners should have access to all accounts, an equal vote in financial decisions, and knowledge about how finances are used.

A lack of access to money makes the victim feel stuck and controlled, often causing them to remain within the destructive partnership.

5. Your Activities Are Being Monitored

A common tactic in domestic abuse cases is to monitor a victim’s every move.

Does your partner somehow know where you’ve been without you telling them?

Maybe they repeat things you said during private conversations with someone else and you can’t figure out how they learned it.

Many domestic violence shelters today require scans of all electronics for spyware possibly uploaded by their abuser.

Often, trackers are secretly placed on automobiles as well.

You might not realize you are being tracked or if you do, you fear exposing your awareness to your abuser.

6. Your Healthy Boundaries Are Not Respected

A common example of this is when you hold things of a private nature in a space that is your own, and your partner invades your privacy—ignoring the boundary you have placed.

Covert abusers refuse to respect these boundaries. They may, for example, read the journal, and will not apologize when confronted.

In their mind, they feel entitled.

After repeated offenses, the victim may become angry and lash out defensively.

When this happens, the covert abuser has not only obtained access to private information they may use to exert control but has also found an easy way to shift the responsibility for their problems onto the victim’s reactive anger.

It’s entirely appropriate to expect privacy within intimate relationships where your journals or other communications remain for your ears and eyes only.

Consequently, many abused children do not get help—and suffer the consequences of the psychological damage emotional abuse causes.

Many parents even use harmful tactics in their parenting without being abusers. The stress and exhaustion of work or life might cause a parent to minimize their son’s or daughter’s accomplishments, hurts, or fears.

Or, perhaps they scream at them—causing them to become fearful. Minimization or raging is harmful, even though the child is not being abused.

Healthy parents can recognize their actions have been hurtful, feel remorse, and acknowledge their mistakes. They are willing to apologize and try to stop repeating the behavior.

Abusive parents respond differently.

Covert narcissistic parents regularly employ harmful tactics as a means of powering over everyone in the family and drawing all positive attention to themselves.

Parents with narcissistic personality disorder require their kids’ complete dependence so that pleasing the parent becomes the sole focus. In time, the child’s identity and sense of self-worth are replaced by self-doubt, anxiety, fear, and depression.

The adverse effects of trauma hinder brain development and may be a detriment for the abused child into adulthood.

Covert Abuse in the Workplace

It’s important that workplace leaders make every effort to create a safe place for employees to disclose workplace harassment and abuse.

An abusive coworker, for instance, may start leaving a particular colleague out of email threads on purpose so that he or she is unprepared, out of the loop, and seemingly clueless.

The covert abuser continues to use various tactics of manipulation, such as scapegoating or undermining, to give the appearance that their coworker is incompetent and that they, the abuser, are not.

Ideally, it’s best if the victim recognizes the abuse and is supported in confronting the behavior—which may exist in plain sight.

However, many factors can make it challenging for a victim of workplace abuse to confront their abuser.

Fear of retaliation, job loss, or demotion may hinder someone from speaking up against workplace abuse.

Victims need to be certain they will be believed and protected.

How to Get Help When You Have Experienced Covert Abuse

Recognizing covert abuse in your relationship may leave you feeling lost, not knowing where to turn for help.

It’s normal to experience a wide array of emotions, including:

• Embarrassment or shame
• Sadness
• Anger
• Rejection
• Hurt
• Fear

You need and deserve to have help and support.

The trauma you’ve experienced in your life can be addressed with the right resources.

It may be hard to imagine how you got to this place and where to go from here.

Here are some of our thoughts:

1. Find Community

You likely have been so isolated within your relationship that you don’t feel like you have anyone you can turn to who can help you.

Finding community is crucial.

Your closest friends have likely been concerned about you for some time but didn’t know what to say or do.

They may be relieved to see you opening up.

Whomever you approach, make sure you feel secure sharing with that person.

The most important thing anyone can do for you at this point is to listen without speaking, allowing you the space and time you need to process your situation.

If they respond with strong advice, ultimatums, judgment, or doubt, it is okay to step away. That person is not ready to hold your heart well, and their responses might escalate your trauma.

If they are too close to your abuser, they might not be ready or willing to hear about what’s been going on.

2. Seek Therapy

Find an individual therapist who is specifically trained and experienced in addressing covert abuse, narcissism, and trauma.

Make sure you interview potential therapists before retaining them. You will get a strong sense of whether they have the skill set to help you by how they respond.

If they don’t have a deep understanding of emotional abuse or how to counsel victims, find a different therapist.

If you discover later that they lack understanding of covert abusive dynamics, don’t be afraid to terminate therapy and move on.

You need someone equipped to help you deal with the deep emotional pain abuse has left you with, including a low sense of self-worth and any other potentially faulty beliefs about yourself that cause you to think you don’t deserve better.

Post-traumatic stress disorder and complex PTSD require specialized care, so make sure you are with a clinician properly trained to assess and treat these issues.

If you have found an expert counselor, it’s okay to attend a session as a couple to get an initial assessment. However, resist the temptation to continue in couples counseling with your abuser, particularly if the counselor is not a trained expert in abuse.

Until the abuser has spent significant time doing deep therapeutic work with an expert therapist who has fully confronted, unpacked, and resolved their destructive belief systems - which can take a couple of years - they will be unable to engage in couples therapy in a meaningful way without harming you further.

In couples therapy, the unhealed abuser will use the same tactics they used against you behind closed doors and will be emboldened by whatever vulnerabilities you share during couples therapy.

This makes the risk of harm too great to bear.

Even good therapists can become confused by the “he said/she said” contributions to therapy, which will cause you to feel mischaracterized and abandoned by the therapist.

3. Reach Out to a Domestic Violence Agency

Even if you do not need a physical place to stay, a domestic violence agency can offer a variety of services and helpful resources.

Most DV agencies have low-cost or no-cost services for those who qualify—whether or not you need shelter.

You could join one of their support groups and share your feelings without explaining them because you are among others who understand.

If you’re not ready to share, you can still attend—and receive crucial validation for your journey by hearing other people’s stories.

You may also consider taking one of their empowerment courses to help you build confidence and relieve trauma.

Counseling and legal services may also be available to you.

Always Remember This

Most importantly, remember that you are your greatest advocate.

This is your life to live.

The more you read, listen, and learn, the clearer your understanding will be, and the more confident you will grow.

By learning, you will find clarity.

And clarity is the first necessary step toward your healing.

The abuse is not your fault.

You are worthy of a peaceful and fulfilled life.