When two people share conflicting stories of abuse, determining what is happening can be difficult even for mental health counselors. This is especially true when prolonged mistreatment has caused the victim to react in aggressive or destructive ways.
To an outsider, both people may appear abusive. However, abuse is not defined by a single action. It is an ongoing pattern in which one person uses manipulation, intimidation, coercion, or violence to gain power over and control another.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline states that there is no such thing as mutual abuse. Although both people may engage in harmful behavior, an abusive relationship involves an imbalance of power in which one seeks or maintains control over the other.
Reactive abuse, caused by a victim’s impulsive response to prolonged abuse, does not necessarily make them abusive.
What Is Reactive Abuse?
Reactive abuse is aggressive or destructive behavior by a survivor in reaction to ongoing emotional, physical, financial, or sexual abuse.
At MEND, we prefer the term reactive defense because it more accurately describes what is happening. Whether you call it reactive defense or reactive abuse, it is often an act of self-defense. The survivor has endured prolonged mistreatment and, at times, may act out with abusive behavior. They may be trying to protect themselves, escape, stop an attack, correct a false accusation, or make their voice heard.
Reactive abuse or self-defense in an abusive relationship is when the offender pushes the survivor to their breaking point or where they feel emotionally or physically trapped, and may include:
- Yelling or cursing
- Throwing or breaking something
- Pushing the abuser away
- Slapping or hitting
- Responding in other ways that are outside their normal character
When a survivor is pushed to react, it may be harmful or violent and should be taken seriously. However, understanding their context, history, intent, and the power dynamics within the relationship is essential.
How Trauma Contributes to Reactive Abuse
A prolonged cycle of abuse can keep the survivor's nervous system in a heightened state of fear and stress with little reprieve. When the brain is in a constant state of high stress and senses danger, it activates an automatic or involuntary survival response commonly described as fight, flight, freeze, or appease. High levels of stress and anxiety produce stress hormones that make it difficult to think before responding. These are known as trauma responses.
A victim may:
- Fight back verbally or physically
- Flee the situation
- Freeze and become unable to speak or act
- Appease the person causing harm to reduce the danger
These involuntary responses often occur before the survivor has time to pause or consider the consequences or other options. The victim of ongoing abuse can develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), where their physical and mental health and cognitive thinking become compromised.
When the fight reaction is activated, this is how reactive abuse occurs. Someone who would not normally yell, curse, hit, or damage property may respond aggressively after being repeatedly antagonized, intimidated, degraded, ignored, cornered, falsely accused, baited, or threatened.
Because the behavior is often uncharacteristic, survivors may feel shocked or ashamed. They may believe they are “crazy,” become consumed by self-doubt, or feel they do not deserve anything better because of their impulsive actions.
Reactive Abuse Versus Abuse
Abusive behavior should never be evaluated in isolation. The broader pattern and cycles in the relationship matter.
True abuse involves an ongoing imbalance of power in which one partner repeatedly seeks to dominate or control another in varying ways. The abuser may emotionally intimidate or use physical abuse, financial, or sexual violence, or covert emotional abuse, including:
- Gaslighting
- Blame-shifting
- Minimization
- Deflection
- Withholding
- False accusations
- Intimidation
- Chronic avoidance of accountability
UNDERSTAND THE PATTERNS MORE CLEARLY
Get free downloadable resources, including our Terms and Definitions, to help you better understand reactive abuse, covert emotional abuse, and the broader patterns of power and control that often go unseen.
The survivor’s motive is usually very different, and signs of reactive abuse are too. They may be trying to defend themselves, stop the mistreatment, escape control, finally be heard, or intervene when the true abuser refuses to take responsibility and instead shifts blame onto them.
Two actions may look similar on the surface, but their purposes and surrounding patterns and cycles are entirely different. Violence must always be taken seriously, but violence does not automatically establish an ongoing pattern of abuse. The one experiencing domestic violence is in a constant state of survival mode; therefore, their patterns of reactive abuse are not considered by qualified mental health providers to be abuse, even if repeated.
The survivor is living in a separate reality from the abuser. The survivor seeks to communicate authentically, find solutions to conflict, and deepen emotional connection. The abuser is living in their own reality, where they aim to control conversations, win arguments, and exert power over their partner. There are key differences in reality, which both individuals are often unaware of.
For the true abuser, there may not be a conscious, deliberate pattern to 'abuse' because they may not realize that their mindset, beliefs, thinking patterns, and behaviors qualify as abusive. But make no mistake, the abusive one's faulty thoughts and beliefs lead to abusive actions.
What they are surely conscious of is that their emotions and feelings aim to gain power over their partner. They are conscious of their desire to dominate the survivor and to treat the relationship as a competition.
Abuse stems from five pillars: a sense of entitlement, a faulty belief system, image management, a low emotional IQ, and an expectation to receive preferential treatment or a hierarchical position. These faulty thoughts and beliefs impact the relationship in insidious and pervasive ways.
The survivor experiences constant stress, may feel like they are emotionally unsafe or in immediate danger, and needs some kind of intervention or family therapy. They often don't realize they are a victim of abuse. In fact, the term abuser or victim may cause them to retreat or shut down. They are fraught with confusion because the cycle of abuse, which includes intermittent positive reinforcement, is confusing.
Baiting, Recording, and Mischaracterizing the Victim
Baiting a reaction and then collecting “proof” is a tactic abusers use to strengthen a false narrative about the survivor.
They may repeatedly provoke, intimidate, accuse, or corner them until the survivor reaches a breaking point and feels trapped. They then record the reactive abuse or preserve messages, photographs, or videos while concealing what happened before the recording began.
The true abuser may share this material with:
- Friends and family members
- Therapists or faith leaders
- Law enforcement
- Attorneys
- Judges or custody evaluators
A recording of the victim yelling, threatening, or acting aggressively can be an effective tool for mischaracterizing the victim as the source of the problem. Attention shifts away from the ongoing pattern of coercion and abuse and onto the victim’s worst reactions.
The victim feels misplaced guilt, believing that the recording proves they are abusive or undeserving of protection. Meanwhile, the true abuser uses the victim's reaction to avoid accountability and protect their public image.
The survivor will readily admit fault to law enforcement, while the true offender will often say or do anything to deny or avoid responsibility and accountability. When one confesses, and another denies, it can be difficult for inexperienced clinicians, law enforcement, or a judge to form an accurate picture.
The Legal Risks of Reactive Abuse
When law enforcement responds to an incident, the one causing harm may appear calm, articulate, and controlled because they are not in a state of trauma. The victim's emotions may present as crying and involuntary shaking. They may admit what they did and struggle to explain the events clearly because they are still experiencing an involuntary trauma response.
If officers focus only on the immediate incident or recording without investigating what led to it, they may misidentify the victim as the primary aggressor.
That identification can have serious consequences. An arrest, police report, protective order, or allegation of abuse may later be introduced in criminal, divorce, or family court proceedings. Depending on the circumstances and applicable state law, it may affect:
- Child custody or parenting time
- Requests for protective orders
- The victim’s credibility
- Financial or spousal-support decisions
- Other divorce or family court outcomes
In some jurisdictions, marital misconduct or findings of abuse may be considered when determining spousal support. A financially controlling spouse may attempt to use the victim’s reactions to argue that support should be reduced or denied.
These outcomes are not automatic, and laws differ by state. However, victims should not assume that law enforcement personnel, attorneys, evaluators, or judges will understand reactive defense or recognize involuntary trauma responses.
Although many dedicated professionals work in these fields, significant gaps remain in training related to covert emotional abuse, coercive control, trauma, and primary-aggressor identification.
Reactive defense may explain a victim’s behavior, but it may not protect them from legal consequences or serve as a legal excuse.
The Dangers of Reactive Defense
Reactive defense may be an instinctive attempt to stop abuse, but it often gives the true abuser additional power.
They may use the victim’s reaction to:
- Shift responsibility for the conflict
- Portray the victim as unstable or abusive
- Gain sympathy from outsiders
- Conceal their own pattern of behavior
- Undermine the victim’s credibility
- Threaten legal, financial, or custody consequences
- Discourage the victim from seeking help or leaving
Once the victim loses control, attention shifts away from the original abuse.
The victim may begin to believe:
- “Maybe I AM the abuser.”
- “Perhaps we are equally responsible.”
- “No one will believe me.”
- “I do not deserve better after what I did.”
- “I cannot leave because this will be used against me.”
These beliefs increase shame, confusion, and dependency while allowing the true abuser to remain unaccountable.
Why Responders May Misidentify the Victim
Therapists, clergy members, advocates, law enforcement officers, family members, and other responders may mistakenly identify the more visibly reactive person as the primary abuser.
Trauma may cause the victim to appear:
- Angry or frantic
- Confused
- Emotionally dysregulated
- Inconsistent
- Unable to explain events clearly
- Quick to accept blame
In contrast, the person causing harm may appear:
- Calm
- Persuasive
- Controlled
- Articulate
- Cooperative
- Concerned about the survivor's mental health
A calm presentation does not necessarily indicate credibility, and an emotional presentation does not prove instability or guilt.
When responders focus only on the immediate incident and don't understand how traumatic symptoms present, they may overlook the larger pattern of coercive control. They may then blame, doubt, pathologize, or silence the victim.
At MEND, we call this secondary layer of harm Double Abuse®.
How to Determine Whether Violence Is Reactive or Abusive
No single behavior provides the entire answer. Accurate assessment requires examining the history, cycles, and dynamics of the relationship.
Important questions include:
- Is there an ongoing pattern of intimidation, manipulation, coercion, or control?
- What occurred before the violent or destructive reaction?
- Who is afraid of whom?
- Who has greater power in the relationship?
- Does one person control the other’s choices, finances, relationships, movements, or communication?
- Is the reactive behavior characteristic or uncharacteristic?
- Does one person repeatedly provoke reactions and then use them to justify their own behavior or as evidence?
- Who acknowledges harm and accepts meaningful responsibility?
- Is the behavior intended to dominate and control or to defend, escape, or stop an attack?
The full pattern must be considered to determine who deflects responsibility and to recognize and subsequently justify reactive abuse.
Best Practices for Responders
Responders should avoid assuming that both people are equally abusive simply because both have engaged in destructive behavior.
Speak With Each Person Separately
A possible victim should never be required to discuss abuse in front of the true abuser.
Fear, dependency, or anticipated retaliation may prevent honest disclosure. This also applies to children being questioned in front of a parent or caregiver.
Investigate What Happened Before the Reaction
A recording may accurately show what the victim did while providing no information about what led to it.
Responders should ask what happened before the recording began, whether similar incidents have occurred, who controls the relationship, and whether the victim has been baited or pushed into an uncharacteristic response, or subjected to threats, intimidation, coercion, or prolonged emotional abuse.
Do Not Rely on Presentation Alone
Trauma can affect memory, speech, emotional regulation, and the ability to recount events in order. A victim’s difficulty explaining what happened may reflect trauma rather than dishonesty. These symptoms in a prolonged state can lead to greater mental health conditions. Trauma-informed therapy or a nationally certified counselor who truly understands abuse can help the survivor learn new coping skills and grounding techniques. A safe support system can also help a survivor break free from reactive abuse. It's not easy work, but it can be life-saving.
Learn to Recognize Covert Emotional Abuse
Responders should understand gaslighting, blame-shifting, minimization, withholding, false accusations, image management, baiting, and other hidden tactics. There are thirty-three covert behaviors listed on The MEND Project's website in the Tools and Resources section. It's important to familiarize yourself with them.
Without this knowledge, they may unintentionally reinforce the abusive person’s narrative, embolden them, and further harm the survivor.
A Note for Victims Experiencing Reactive Defense
If you have yelled, cursed, thrown things, made threats, or become physically aggressive, your behavior matters. Involuntary reactive abuse may help explain what happened, but others may not understand it, and it may not protect you from relational or legal consequences.
Only you can begin to change how you react and pursue your healing. You cannot control whether the person harming you changes, whether outsiders recognize the truth, or whether a court outcome feels fair. However, you can seek education, support from a trusted friend or advocate, safety planning, and professional guidance.
Consider whether:
- Your behavior is uncharacteristic of you
- It occurs primarily within this relationship
- It follows repeated intimidation, provocation, or control
- You feel genuine remorse and want to change
- Your partner records or shares your reactions while concealing their own behavior
- You are afraid of your partner and their ability to retaliate, or the consequences of resisting them
Do not remain in danger to prove that you can control how you react. It is extremely difficult to calm your nervous system and heal while abuse is continuing. You need calm surroundings where you aren't constantly triggered and antagonized.
When it is safe and possible, creating physical distance from the person harming you may be an important part of healing. Because separation can increase danger in some abusive relationships, consider developing a safety plan with a domestic violence advocate or qualified professional rather than announcing or attempting separation without a supportive plan.
We also recommend joining a reputable online or in-person support group. Education and community support can help reduce stress and confusion, restore trust in your perceptions, and provide guidance as you heal.
Do things that bring you joy. You may feel like isolating. It's important, however, to push yourself or stretch yourself outside your comfort zone. Join an exercise class or something creative like an art or crafting class. Physical movement, creativity, and light-hearted social interactions produce endorphins to counteract the stress hormones surging throughout your body.
Finding Clarity and Support
Victims of covert emotional abuse often do not realize they are being abused. They may know only that they feel confused, exhausted, anxious, or that something is 'off.'
The MEND Project’s self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships, provides a comprehensive education that jump-starts a survivor's healing. It offers language for identifying hidden forms of emotional abuse, insight into destructive relationship dynamics, and tools to help you advocate for yourself, along with tools to help you heal.
Graduates of the course regularly report that it changed their lives and saved them about a year of traditional therapy, while giving them the proper language and tools to move forward.
You may also benefit from working with a licensed professional who understands coercive control, emotional abuse, domestic violence, and trauma, or contacting a domestic violence organization for confidential support and safety planning.
Lasting change requires the person causing harm to acknowledge their behavior, reject entitlement, accept accountability, and commit to sustained work. You cannot do that work for them.
You can begin focusing on your own safety, healing, choices, reactions, and worth.
Conclusion
Reactive defense is often self-defense. It may arise when a survivor’s nervous system reacts impulsively to fear, coercion, powerlessness, or ongoing harm.
These reactions should be taken seriously, but they must be considered within the full context of the relationship. Abuse is an ongoing pattern of power and control. Reactive defense is a reaction to that pattern.
Understanding the distinction can reduce misplaced shame and help responders avoid misidentifying the survivor. At the same time, survivors should seek support as soon as possible because reactive abuse can be recorded, mischaracterized, and used against them.