Demystifying Mutual Abuse: Understanding Reactive Defense

There’s been significant debate and public discussion about the term ‘mutual abuse,’ which has been used to conclude that some situations of domestic violence, psychological or physical, are actually mutually abusive with both partners being equally responsible—with both being aggressors and victims.

But does mutual abuse exist?

In this article, we’re going to:

• Debunk the myth about the concept of the mutually abusive relationship
• Explore other explanations for what’s really happening
• Discuss why people stay in these relationships
• Uncover how complicated it is for responders to understand what’s really going on 

We’ll also examine how to distinguish domestic abuse from situational violence, and look at some things that abuse victims can do to protect themselves from blame when they respond in defense.

OK, let’s get started.

What Do People Mean When They Say “Mutual Abuse?”

The phrase “mutual abuse” is used when it appears that both people in a relationship are both instigators and recipients of violent acts. 

When referring to a relationship as “mutually abusive,” the assumption is made that both people in the couple are abusers, and that both are also victims.

But this is not true. And here’s why.

Is Mutual Abuse Real?

In a relationship, can both partners be abusive?

The phrase “mutual abuse” is deceptive, and inaccurately describes any form of emotional or physical relationship abuse.

Professionals who are experts in the field of domestic violence as well as the National Domestic Violence Hotline agree that there is no such thing as mutual abuse.

It simply doesn’t exist.

But to be fair, an unhealthy or abusive relationship can be incredibly confusing to the people in the relationship — as well as to those on the outside.

Even though there’s only one abuser and one victim in an abusive relationship, this doesn’t mean that the victim never lashes out aggressively.

To the outsider who comes upon the scene in which both people have been hurt by the other person’s violence, it’s natural (or at least it’s much easier) to conclude they’re both equally at fault.

But this logic, once again, is wrong.

Tragically, this faulty conclusion can cause responders and those who wish to lend assistance from the outside to wash their hands of the couple and walk away, leaving the real victim without a life vest. Or when the victim reacts in any way that may be interpreted by law enforcement as physical, such as pushing an abuser out of the way who is blocking access for the victim to escape. In these scenarios, it is often the victim who gets arrested and is then mischaracterized in court documents,

Incorrect Conclusions of Mutual Abuse

As we stated previously, mutual abuse implies an equal abuser/victim role for each person in the relationship.

To accomplish this, the power distribution between them needs to be close to equal, which is not what happens in a domestic violence situation.

Relationship abuse is all about power and control, with the abuser being intent upon obtaining as much dominance as they can to tip the balance in their favor. 

The offender’s primary motive, whether or not they are aware of it, is to have all of the control in the relationship.

They feel they deserve to dominate and control—and when the victim does not comply, control is one way they deflect attention away from their own faults and place responsibility for the conflict onto the victim.

Is Domestic Abuse Different From “Mutual Abuse?”

In order for the abuser to prevail in their pursuit for total control, a regular pattern of various forms of abusive behaviors and tactics take place repeatedly over time—with the victim’s power weakening progressively.

The simple truth of the matter is that there’s only one aggressor in every case of domestic abuse.

Both people in any relationship can exhibit unhealthy behaviors. But when the relationship is abusive, one person will always invariably have more control than the other—and the abuser’s mindset, faulty thinking, and beliefs differ greatly from the victim’s.

“Mutual abuse,” by the definition it’s been given, doesn’t account for this.

The typical definition of mutual abuse also fails to answer the question about why, if there’s only one aggressor, you might witness a situation where both people in a couple have used some form of violence against the other in a single moment.

The truth of the matter is that when the victim lashes out verbally or physically, it is usually because this same victim—this person who’s been repeatedly targeted with overt or covert emotional abuse or physical attacks—is highly traumatized and is acting in self-defense.

Reactive defense is a victim’s natural and involuntary reaction to their partner’s emotional, physical, sexual, or even economic abuse. It’s the brain’s way of protecting the victim from the recurring oppression or emotional or physical violence directed toward them.

The response happens so quickly and without forethought that the victim is often surprised to see themself reacting harshly, rather than responding in a controlled manner. In turn, the abuser blames the victim and the victim feels intense misplaced guilt spurned on by this blame.

Self-defense is not abuse, even if it’s violent.

The dynamic of reactive “abuse” stems from the initial trauma caused by the original abuse, and how it repeats itself and escalates over time. 

While the relationship may be ‘volatile’ or ‘high conflict,’ that also does not mean that it is mutually abusive.

Instead, it literally means that the victim is fighting for their life.

When others, or even the victim themself, refer to this type of situation as ‘mutual abuse,’ it intensifies the feelings of fear and uncertainty about their situation. 

If domestic abuse were properly understood, most would agree that reactive defense is a traumatic involuntary reaction, and that it isn’t the same thing as being abusive.

Situational Violence Is Not Domestic Abuse

Referring back to mutual abuse and those situations where both people in a relationship are violent with each other, and the violence is not defensive. What is it?

This often falls into the category of something called “situational violence.”

This is not domestic violence or abuse.

In cases of situational violence, which may occur within a relationship, the power and control dynamics are missing—as is the pattern of abusive violence.

“Situational violence” within a relationship does not happen regularly.

Situational violence occurs when both people are accustomed to responding to conflict with violence. Usually, it’s in response to a specific situation.

It is not about power and control, and contains no pattern to support it.

It’s a violent exchange or conflict.

It’s unhealthy and dangerous, but it does not fall within the definition of domestic violence.

Unlike situational couple violence, domestic abuse includes ongoing tactics of manipulation, power, and control by the abusive partner that reoccur in-between any violent outbursts.

In addition, situational couple violence doesn’t usually have the same impact on the individual that domestic violence has, which often results in long-term psychological and subsequent physiological harm.

How Do Responders Tell the Difference Between Situational Violence and Domestic Violence?

So back to the couple wherein both individuals are being hurt by the other’s violent acts.

How do you tell the difference between domestic abuse and situational violence, particularly if you’re a first responder—such as a police officer or paramedic?

Here are 3 steps that you can take to properly identify the situation. 

1. Look For More

Look for more. 

To be fair, police officers may need to react based on mandatory arrest laws based on the limited information they have. 

Often, both people admit to hurting the other, requiring the officers to respond a certain way.

If it isn’t clear that someone is acting in self-defense, it’s difficult to discern who the primary aggressor is.