There’s been significant debate and public discussion about the term ‘mutual abuse,’ which has been used to conclude that some situations of domestic violence, psychological or physical, are actually mutually abusive with both partners being equally responsible—with both being aggressors and victims.
But does mutual abuse exist?
In this article, we’re going to:
- Debunk the myth about the concept of the mutually abusive relationship
- Explore other explanations for what’s really happening
- Discuss why people stay in these relationships
- Uncover how complicated it is for responders to understand what’s really going on
We’ll also examine how to distinguish domestic abuse from situational violence, and look at some things that abuse victims can do to protect themselves from blame when they respond in defense.
OK, let’s get started.
What Do People Mean When They Say “Mutual Abuse?”
The phrase “mutual abuse” is used when it appears that both people in a relationship are both instigators and recipients of violent acts.
When referring to a relationship as “mutually abusive,” the assumption is made that both people in the couple are abusers, and that both are also victims.
But this is not true. And here’s why.
Is Mutual Abuse Real?
In a relationship, can both partners be abusive?
The phrase “mutual abuse” is deceptive, and inaccurately describes any form of emotional or physical relationship abuse.
Professionals who are experts in the field of domestic violence as well as the National Domestic Violence Hotline agree that there is no such thing as mutual abuse.
It simply doesn’t exist.
But to be fair, an unhealthy or abusive relationship can be incredibly confusing to the people in the relationship — as well as to those on the outside.
Even though there’s only one abuser and one victim in an abusive relationship, this doesn’t mean that the victim never lashes out aggressively.
To the outsider who comes upon the scene in which both people have been hurt by the other person’s violence, it’s natural (or at least it’s much easier) to conclude they’re both equally at fault.
But this logic, once again, is wrong.
Tragically, this faulty conclusion can cause responders and those who wish to lend assistance from the outside to wash their hands of the couple and walk away, leaving the real victim without a life vest. Or when the victim reacts in any way that may be interpreted by law enforcement as physical, such as pushing an abuser out of the way who is blocking access for the victim to escape. In these scenarios, it is often the victim who gets arrested and is then mischaracterized in court documents,
Incorrect Conclusions of Mutual Abuse
As we stated previously, mutual abuse implies an equal abuser/victim role for each person in the relationship.
To accomplish this, the power distribution between them needs to be close to equal, which is not what happens in a domestic violence situation.
Relationship abuse is all about power and control, with the abuser being intent upon obtaining as much dominance as they can to tip the balance in their favor.
The offender’s primary motive, whether or not they are aware of it, is to have all of the control in the relationship.
They feel they deserve to dominate and control—and when the victim does not comply, control is one way they deflect attention away from their own faults and place responsibility for the conflict onto the victim.
Is Domestic Abuse Different From “Mutual Abuse?”
In order for the abuser to prevail in their pursuit for total control, a regular pattern of various forms of abusive behaviors and tactics take place repeatedly over time—with the victim’s power weakening progressively.
The simple truth of the matter is that there’s only one aggressor in every case of domestic abuse.
Both people in any relationship can exhibit unhealthy behaviors. But when the relationship is abusive, one person will always invariably have more control than the other—and the abuser’s mindset, faulty thinking, and beliefs differ greatly from the victim’s.
“Mutual abuse,” by the definition it’s been given, doesn’t account for this.
The typical definition of mutual abuse also fails to answer the question about why, if there’s only one aggressor, you might witness a situation where both people in a couple have used some form of violence against the other in a single moment.
The truth of the matter is that when the victim lashes out verbally or physically, it is usually because this same victim—this person who’s been repeatedly targeted with overt or covert emotional abuse or physical attacks—is highly traumatized and is acting in self-defense.
Reactive Defense Is Not Mutual Abuse Either
Professionals refer to reactive defense as ‘reactive abuse ’
But we call it ‘reactive defense.’
‘Reactive abuse’ is as much of a misnomer as ‘mutual abuse.’
The abuse isn’t mutual when the one without equal power reacts in defense of the abuse by the one who holds the power.
REACTIVE DEFENSE IS NOT MUTUAL ABUSE EITHER
Professionals refer to reactive defense as ‘reactive abuse ’
But we call it ‘reactive defense.’
‘Reactive abuse’ is as much of a misnomer as ‘mutual abuse.’
The abuse isn’t mutual when the one without equal power reacts in defense of the abuse by the one who holds the power.
Reactive defense is a victim’s natural and involuntary reaction to their partner’s emotional, physical, sexual, or even economic abuse. It’s the brain’s way of protecting the victim from the recurring oppression or emotional or physical violence directed toward them.
The response happens so quickly and without forethought that the victim is often surprised to see themself reacting harshly, rather than responding in a controlled manner. In turn, the abuser blames the victim and the victim feels intense misplaced guilt spurned on by this blame.
Self-defense is not abuse, even if it’s violent.
The dynamic of reactive “abuse” stems from the initial trauma caused by the original abuse, and how it repeats itself and escalates over time.
While the relationship may be ‘volatile’ or ‘high conflict,’ that also does not mean that it is mutually abusive.
Instead, it literally means that the victim is fighting for their life.
When others, or even the victim themself, refer to this type of situation as ‘mutual abuse,’ it intensifies the feelings of fear and uncertainty about their situation.
If domestic abuse were properly understood, most would agree that reactive defense is a traumatic involuntary reaction, and that it isn’t the same thing as being abusive.
Situational Violence Is Not Domestic Abuse
Referring back to mutual abuse and those situations where both people in a relationship are violent with each other, and the violence is not defensive. What is it?
This often falls into the category of something called “situational violence.”
This is not domestic violence or abuse.
In cases of situational violence, which may occur within a relationship, the power and control dynamics are missing—as is the pattern of abusive violence.
“Situational violence” within a relationship does not happen regularly.
Situational violence occurs when both people are accustomed to responding to conflict with violence. Usually, it’s in response to a specific situation.
It is not about power and control, and contains no pattern to support it.
It’s a violent exchange or conflict.
It’s unhealthy and dangerous, but it does not fall within the definition of domestic violence.
Unlike situational couple violence, domestic abuse includes ongoing tactics of manipulation, power, and control by the abusive partner that reoccur in-between any violent outbursts.
In addition, situational couple violence doesn’t usually have the same impact on the individual that domestic violence has, which often results in long-term psychological and subsequent physiological harm.
How Do Responders Tell the Difference Between Situational Violence and Domestic Violence?
So back to the couple wherein both individuals are being hurt by the other’s violent acts.
How do you tell the difference between domestic abuse and situational violence, particularly if you’re a first responder—such as a police officer or paramedic?
Here are 3 steps that you can take to properly identify the situation.
1. Look For More
Look for more.
To be fair, police officers may need to react based on mandatory arrest laws based on the limited information they have.
Often, both people admit to hurting the other, requiring the officers to respond a certain way.
If it isn’t clear that someone is acting in self-defense, it’s difficult to discern who the primary aggressor is.
Victims who react by pushing away their partner who is raging at them are often labeled the aggressor.
This is especially true when the victim is confused by their own response and might not yet identify as a victim of abuse.
They may apologize profusely for their reactions while failing to explain clearly to responders the sequence of abusive events which compelled such a strong act of self-defense.
To figure it out, the responder must look for more.
2. Gain a Deeper Understanding of Domestic Abuse
Knowing what to look for requires a better understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships, including psychologically abusive dynamics, which over time may cause the victim to defend themself with violent responses.
To the brain, long-term psychological abuse is similar to a physically abusive relationship, because of how it attacks the victim’s emotional identity and physical well-being.
With that understanding, responders will find it helpful to ask more targeted questions of each person separately.
It helps to ask each person questions about the relationship’s history and the sequence of events that led to the current violent altercation.
Asking questions about the environment in the home may reveal one person as the dominant aggressor over the other.
The challenge in doing this “at the scene” is that a victim will likely be in a trauma state and triggered by the event—and as a result, they might be unable to respond intelligibly to such questions.
Women and men remain in violent relationships for a variety of reasons, which might be hard to grasp as an outsider.
But an inability to understand why they remain in the relationship shouldn’t hinder responders from doing everything they can to help.
Go deeper in your knowledge by joining our course for responders.
3. Learn About Trauma and PTSD Symptoms
A deeper understanding of the signs of trauma and PTSD can also help those responding as they seek to evaluate what’s really happening.
Screaming, crying, or raging by one person might be in response to incessant emotional terror from their partner.
For example:
Consistent demeaning, degrading, or manipulative comments and actions directed at the victim will eventually break them down. Then, when the victim breaks, the abuser presses “record” on their phone and uses the video or audio to shift the blame for the violence onto the victim.
All of this can make the victim look like the aggressor if the responder does not carefully evaluate the situation.
What if You Are a Victim of Domestic Violence Who Acts Out Violently? What Should You Do?
While it might seem impossible during high-stress moments, try to exercise some grounding techniques and remain as calm as you can when being questioned.
Hopefully, prior to the altercation, you have been recording abusive behavior you’ve experienced over time.
If so, share it with the responders.
Try not to simplify the altercation as just a “fight.”
Pause before answering, and think back to what led to the violence.
What if You Are a Victim of Domestic Violence Who Acts Out Violently? What Should You Do?
While it might seem impossible during high-stress moments, try to exercise some grounding techniques and remain as calm as you can when being questioned.
Hopefully, prior to the altercation, you have been recording abusive behavior you’ve experienced over time.
If so, share it with the responders.
Try not to simplify the altercation as just a “fight.”
Pause before answering, and think back to what led to the violence.
Then, communicate the abuse that happened before you acted in defense.
It’s essential to point out that you responded to abuse or violence, and that you didn’t instigate it.
Although these are helpful suggestions, it’s crucial to recognize that victims in these situations are highly traumatized, which causes them to freeze at the moment, appear emotionally unstable, be unable to communicate clearly, and/or to even remember the sequence of escalating events. These internal responses are trauma-based.
This is a result of the PTSD or other trauma symptoms they experience.
PTSD can hinder cognition, memory, and the ability to communicate sequentially.
If this happens to you, have grace for yourself. Wait a few days, and when you are calm and your brain begins to remember, write down all of the important events and update the responders with the new information.
If you are confused about psychological abuse and reactive violence, you can find clarity by reviewing free downloads and workshops recordings of our comprehensive terms and definitions.
Using the proper terminology and language explained in those tools to describe your experiences makes you a more credible witness, while also allowing you to better advocate for yourself.
For even deeper learning, join our course for those in abusive or high-conflict relationships.
And then — get help.
Talk to someone at a domestic violence shelter, a qualified trauma-informed therapist, or a community service agency specializing in domestic abuse.
You deserve the healing that these places can help you achieve.
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Abuse doesn’t require control. Domestic violence and domestic abuse do. The terms abuse (no control needed) and domestic abuse (control needed) aren’t mutually exclusive and in this case, it most certainly is considered abuse.I want to ensure correct information is disseminated for a topic of such importance. Respectfully, your answer is incorrect and should be corrected for victims seeking help should they read your answer.
Verb
/əˈbyo͞oz/
use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.”the judge abused his power by imposing the fines”synonyms:misuse, misapply, misemploy, mishandle; More
treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.”riders who abuse their horses should be prosecuted”
Noun
noun
/əˈbyo͞os/
1.the improper use of something.”alcohol abuse”synonyms:misuse, misapplication, misemployment, mishandling;More
2.cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.”a black eye and other signs of physical abuse”
Maybe your experts should read definitions instead of creating their owns. :>
Thank you for your comment. The entire article is regarding the use of the term mutual abuse in domestic abuse/domestic violence. And yes most experts agree that it’s inaccurate to use the phrase mutual abuse when referring to domestic violence or domestic abuse. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me to discuss this more thoroughly should you so desire. Outside of the tone of your comment, I’m not sure we are in disagreement, but apologize for any miscommunication. info@themendproject.com.