Pillars of Abuse | The MEND Project

The MEND Project works to educate survivors and responders to identify cultural and faulty thinking structures that cause abusive behaviors.. To understand the nuances of abuse that reveal the faulty thinking patterns and belief systems of the abusive one MEND founder and CEO, Annette Oltmans conducted extensive research, including interviewing hundreds of victims/survivors and reviewing their personal experiences with abuse. During this time, she took note of how regularly she observed the same attitudes and beliefs in perpetrators of all forms of abuse. Abusers operate from a completely different worldview regarding interpersonal relationships than what the victim does. Survivors have a hard time identifying the differences. Victims are usually empathic and are willing to self-reflect and accept responsibility for their actions. Abusers will often say and do anything to avoid responsibility and accountability. Rather than self-reflect, they are more focused on criticizing and finding fault with others. The MEND Project created a tool titled “The Pillars of Abuse” to describe these faulty beliefs that motivates perpetrators to abuse.

Understanding these principles will help to mitigate the confusion victims experience when realizing their partner does not relate with them in ways they might expect. So often, victims try to understand why they have such a difficult time being understood or resolving conflict with their partner. Use this tool to bring about much-needed clarity.

In this article, we will cover:

• The Four Pillars of Abuse
• A Fifth Often Overlooked Pillar of Abuse
• And the next steps to take if you are experiencing these or know someone going through these abusive dynamics.

Let’s dive in.

The Four Pillars of Abuse

Chances are you have experienced or seen at least one of these pillars in your relationships, at home, school, church, the workplace, or among friends. As you read the descriptions of each pillar, notice if you recall real-life examples you have personally lived through, witnessed, or heard. Take another moment to examine yourself to see if any of these pillars make up unconscious biases within you or negatively influence your action or inaction in abusive scenarios.

THE FIRST PILLAR: FAULTY BELIEF SYSTEM

Faulty belief systems are moralistic judgments based on limited or distorted knowledge that causes others to be oppressed. A faulty belief system can be rooted in cultural background, family system, social bias, or a combination. For example, many cultures believe that men deserve to be in a hierarchical position over women. Patriarchy, or said another way - that men carry more authority than women - is a common belief abusers adhere to. They may not verbalize it. However, it is a deeply rooted belief.

A patriarchal belief system is sometimes demonstrated by limiting the voice of women or not taking their ideas and contributions seriously. In marriage, patriarchal beliefs and behaviors remove equality in the relationship. A faulty belief system often encourages or supports Double Abuse® by outsiders as well. Think of the many public examples we have seen in recent years where institutions minimized and dismissed women’s disclosures of abuse, aligned with the perpetrator, and added another layer of trauma to the victims.

Another faulty belief system defineshow men should or should not display their emotions. Some boys grow up in homes where they are taught to disdain feminine traits. Think, “Don’t run like a girl” or “Don’t cry like a girl.” The idea is that males shouldn’t express feelings like fear or sadness or an emotion that makes them appear weak. At the same time they are supported when overtly expressing anger. As a result, boys raised in this belief system may make fun of other men who show emotions. They could even retaliate in rage or react with violence when someone upsets them because they don’t believe it’s “masculine” to express their emotions in any other way. This faulty belief system can both result in a male abusing his partner or child and in preventing another male who is a victim of abuse from disclosing their personal story of abuse.

Faulty beliefs and incorrect moralistic judgments explain but do not justify abusive behaviors or abusive thoughts and attitudes. This is one reason why abusers will not accept responsibility for the severity of their actions or admit their way of thinking is skewed. In the abuser’s mind, they believe they are justified and correct. A faulty belief system, of course, does not change the fact that abuse, including Double Abuse®, is never right. Abuse is a choice. It’s not an accident, and it’s never the victim’s fault.

Victims can also have faulty belief systems. That said, when they do, it is not considered a pillar of abuse. For example, they may believe their spouse has their best interests in mind, so they don’t suspect that their partner is focused on winning arguments rather than reaching mutually beneficial solutions. In this case, victims are more likely to think something is wrong with themselves. Or victims may believe that an apology from the abuser will miraculously translate into meaningful and lasting change.

THE SECOND PILLAR: IMAGE MANAGEMENT

Image management is when a person or an institution protects their self-image at the expense of someone else’s or as justification to withhold support for the one who was wronged. Abusers manage their image by presenting a facade that they are kind and moral. It’s common for them to display publicly one image while a very different person shows up behind closed doors. They may volunteer their time for charity, act chivalrous towards women, and show affection to their family members in public. This is a deliberate attempt to persuade outsiders to think highly of them, confuse their victims, and cover up the abuse they are doing in private. Image management is not only used by abusers to cover up abuse. We have all too often seen corporations, churches, and institutions protect their public image by covering up alleged abuse by a leader within their organization or protecting a high-ranking employee accused of abuse. All of this is at the victim’s expense.

A real-life example of this is Dr. Larry Nassar, a former doctor for Olympic female gymnasts who is now in prison because he molested many of his patients. One of the reasons he got away with abuse for so long is that he was very good at managing his image. He did this very successfully by developing relationships with the girl’s parents, both in his professional capacity and personally. During Nassar’s trial, several of the victims who testified shared how they considered him to be a great friend of their families and would often come over for meals or to hang out. Nassar’s strategic image management was one of the many reasons the patients weren’t always sure when he had crossed the line from being helpful to harmful or whether they would be believed if they spoke up. When girls came forward to their parents about Nassar’s abuse, most of the parents were hesitant to believe their daughters because they trusted so strongly that Nassar was an esteemed physician. The confusing thing for everyone involved was that he often did act like a nice guy. What made it even worse was how the FBI, USA Gymnastics, and Michigan State University doubly abused these victims by denying and protecting Nassar, themselves, and their organizations. This is why it’s so important to listen to and believe victims. Where there is smoke, there’s fire. There is often much more going on than you may want to believe.

THE THIRD PILLAR: ENTITLEMENT

At their core, abusers believe they are entitled to preferential treatment regardless of the needs of others. Their attitude is such that they think they deserve to be treated better than everyone else in the family. They place themselves in a dominant position over the other. Rules that apply to their spouse don’t apply to the abuser. There is an overreaching attitude of double standards. It’s one reason why abusers emotionally or physically harm their victims but expect to be treated well. Victims often report that they felt they had to walk on eggshells, constantly focused on meeting the abuser’s needs or demands. People helpers and responders need to be aware of their personal actions, which might be fueling an abuser’s sense of entitlement. When a victim alleges abuse, it’s critical that responders not be fooled by the alleged abuser’s sense of entitlement at the expense of the victim. In some churches, for example, where men are taught to lead over women, they feel entitled to rule over their spouses. This belief system often fosters and emboldens abuse. Anyone can get caught up in this mentality from time to time, but someone abusive will use entitlement to internally justify their behavior rather than to recognize and repair it.

THE FOUTH PILLAR: CULTURAL, PREFERENTIAL, OR HIERARCHICAL PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

Special treatment and protection are often given to abusers because of their status, position in leadership, or proximity to one’s social circle. This is a common way that Double Abuse® takes place. Often, abusers aren’t met with consequences for their harmful behavior because communities around them protect them and resist allowing a high-standing offender to face the consequences of their behavior.

 For example, imagine a man who is a dean at a university. He is a leader of a large department and is considered to be in high standing regarding ethical and moral integrity. Administrators and faculty members give him their unwavering respect. When the dean is accused of sexually harassing his assistant, the victim is placed on unpaid administrative leave rather than the abuser. The institution is misled by its desire to protect the institution's reputation as well as being stuck in denial, believing the dean could have never been responsible for sexual harassment. The victim is not believed; she is considered unstable or trying to attain financial rewards from the university. In other words, the victim’s motives for justice and mercy are not believed. At the same time, the abuser’s deceitful denial is believed. This display of preferential treatment protects the dean from facing the necessary consequences of his violent actions toward his assistant. The assistant is both abused by her boss and doubly abused by the university.

 This is why it is vital to hold all institutions' leaders accountable and maintain a system with thoughtful checks and balances. When too many individuals of the same backgrounds, beliefs, and objectives work together, they may quickly engage in groupthink. Groups like this need to be careful to maintain good judgment, transparency, and standards because it’s easy to go with what the group thinks or wants, prioritizing the perpetrator's or institution's needs over the individual harmed. This creates a perfect breeding ground for abusers to thrive without consequence or accountability.

The five pillars are the foundational building blocks that motivate and allow abusers to rationalize their actions to themselves and those around them. When this faulty foundation is maintained, an abuser (sometimes along with outsiders) can blind themselves and those around them to the manipulative tactics they use to remain in power and keep the victim within their control. By understanding and recognizing the pillars of abuse, victims can gain clarity about the mindset of the person cousin them harm and pursue healing. Also, it may greatly facilitate the implementation of accountability measures for abusers, mainly where corporations, churches, and other institutions pay attention to what drives their sense of entitlement. Awareness helps others to refuse to allow the pillars to protect the perpetrators around them. Remaining aware of the pillars wherever we interact with others enables us to prevent Double Abuse® and become better advocates for ourselves and those experiencing harm.

AN OVERLOOKED PILLAR: A LOW EMOTIONAL I.Q.

Earlier in this article, we addressed how some boys are raised to disdain feminine traits. In this form of child-rearing, we hinder boys from developing a full range of emotions and emotional awareness. Abusers can be highly intelligent, accomplished, and charismatic while having an underdeveloped emotional IQ. A low emotional IQ contributes to chronic defensiveness and aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior. They ‘react’ rather than self-regulate, self-examine, or implement self-control to ‘respond’ rationally and empathically. Low emotional IQ manifests in anxiousness, impulsivity, and defensiveness.

A low EQ can cause:

• impulsive or emotionally or physically violent behavior
• an inability to appreciate the victim’s perspective
• and minimization of the victim’s feelings. 

The abuser’s discomfort with emotions, whether it’s his own emotions or his partner’s emotions, causes him to avoid or block authentic conversations where each partner’s point of view is respected, processed, and integrated into their thoughts. Ultimately, the abuser’s immature emotions prevent the victim from experiencing mutuality, reciprocity, or meaningful and authentic conversations where mutual respect and mutual validation lead to meaningful solutions.

Clarity is the First Step to Healing

If this article has shed light on a situation present in the life of someone you know, we encourage you to let them know that you are there for them if they need a safe space to talk or a safe place to stay. Here’s some MEND resources on how to help someone experiencing abuse.

If the one in danger is you, we encourage you to take our online Finding Clarity and Healing self-paced course. It is only four modules with recorded sessions with Annette Oltmans. We say at MEND, that clarity is the first step to healing. Becoming educated through our comprehensive course will jump-start you on your healing journey. Many graduates of the course report that learning all they did about overt and hidden forms of abuse and related topics saved them approximately one year of therapy. It’s difficult to heal in isolation. Confide in someone safe and supportive about what you are going through. Seek professional help if you can with a licensed therapist skilled in abuse and trauma. Join an online or in-person support group or reach out to your local domestic violence agency or The National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk with someone knowledgeable. You can also email us at info@themendproject.com. We answer every email because you are important to us. We don’t want you to have to walk through this alone.