Does your partner think an apology will resolve the relational stress and confusion you’re experiencing? Or do they think their apology is enough to change their behavior?
So often, an abusive partner will promise to change their behavior when you confront them, but they never actually follow through.
You may feel hopeful for positive change when an apology is made, and genuine remorse is experienced, but then you’re disappointed when the situation repeats itself.
If this sounds like your relationship, you could be experiencing “Magical Thinking.”
In this article, we are going to look at what this means. We’ll cover:
Let’s dive in.
What is Magical Thinking in a Relationship?
Magical thinking is where the abuser tries to make the victim believe that the relationship issues and the stress and confusion will resolve and go away with a simple apology, when in reality, it requires much more work than saying, “I’m sorry.”
The apology can make the victim feel hopeful—and even believe—that things will be better, so they stay.
Yet, it requires much more work than saying, “I’m sorry.”
Magical Thinking distorts the victim’s sense of hope and makes them more willing to believe things will easily change.
If your partner says things like, “I said I was sorry” or “I apologized for that already,” they are employing Magical Thinking and are hoping you will engage in it, too.
Verbal commitments such as apologizing and promising to do better can provide partners with a temporary and false sense of security. They want you to believe they’ve changed when they haven’t.
Ultimately, this manipulates them into staying in the relationship. And the cycle continues.
Victims can also engage in magical thinking. Someone who has been harmed by an intimate partner may use Magical Thinking to cope or to hang onto hope. It can make these very challenging relational dynamics feel more manageable or give a sense of control when the victim feels powerless if there is a sense that this will get better, especially when they fear for their safety.
While genuine apologies are good, they mean nothing if no tangible and measurable action steps follow.
So, how does magical thinking tie into broken promises? And what do you do when you notice this pattern in your relationship?
Magical Thinking And Broken Promises
We all break promises every now and then. However, when broken promises happen repeatedly, they are worth paying attention to.
Notice what happens after the promise is broken and you are given an apology.
No amount of remorse or guilt will transform the situation without a plan for changing destructive and harmful behavior.
So What Can You Do?
The first essential step is identifying when Magical Thinking is happening to you or within you.
Once you recognize it, gain clarity in your perspective as you respond, knowing that stressful and confusing relational issues will not magically resolve or improve with a simple apology or promise to change.
A deeper understanding and self-awareness will help you decide and enforce your boundaries, which is necessary for positive change.
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Conclusion
Becoming educated on Covert Emotional Abuse tactics like Magical Thinking can equip us to understand our relational dynamics more accurately and advocate for ourselves.
If you or someone you love is experiencing Magical Thinking and you want to learn more, we invite you to check out our resources on emotional abuse tactics for additional clarity concerning your situation.
We also recommend considering individual therapy with someone who is well-experienced and qualified in Covert Emotional Abuse.