For couples experiencing relationship issues that they can’t seem to solve on their own, seeking marital or couples counseling is often considered the next step.
However, it’s not always the best. You may not know that experts in the field of abuse and trauma say couples counseling is strictly contraindicated when any form of abuse is present.
In this post, you’re going to learn:
Understanding the goals, purpose, and types of counseling you need can help you choose the best course of action and prevent you and your partner from entering a therapeutic setting that is unhelpful at best and traumatic and harmful at worst.
Is Couples Counseling Right for Your Relationship?
While couples counseling has resulted in transformative work among many intimate partner relationships, it is not the solution to every relational problem.
First, if abuse is not part of the relationship, there are reasons to seek couples counseling that can lead to good outcomes. Among these are problems with physical or emotional intimacy, conflict resolution, communication styles, broken trust, needing a safe space to tell your partner something important, or you both feel that something is missing in the relationship but aren’t sure how to fix it. If you and your partner have mutual respect and a desire to listen and validate one another and are committed to making the marriage work, seeking an expert’s advice is often a great option. Without expert help or objective guidance, the problems can grow in intensity until they feel too numerous or overwhelming to work through, despite your commitment to one another.
So, when is couples counseling not appropriate?
Here’s the short answer:
Couples counseling is not appropriate when any form of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse is suspected or has been identified.
It's also not recommended when one partner is coercive, not fully committed to the process, or when there are severe untreated mental health issues present.
Nearly half of women and men experience subtle or overt forms of emotional abuse in their intimate relationships. And the hidden forms of manipulation and covert emotional abuse tactics are extremely difficult to detect.
Not all counselors, pastors, law enforcement, coaches, etc., are trained to recognize and address abuse. Often, therapists don’t even know they are not adequately trained in best practices. So, they unintentionally respond to or advise in ways that cause further harm.
In his book “Why Does He Do That,” author and abuse expert Lundy Bancroft surmised the problem this way:
“Attempting to address abuse through couple’s therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to undo than it was before.”
In a situation where a couple is seeking counseling, and abuse is not present, both partners can own their part and work together toward a solution.
However, this is never true in a relationship where abuse is present.
The abuse must be confronted and thoroughly resolved, and reparations made commensurate to the harm done before couples therapy can be an appropriate option - if it becomes one.
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When Couples Counseling Causes More Harm
When a victim is placed in the same room as an abuser, it can be a highly traumatic experience, if not in the session, then following the session.
Several harmful dynamics can occur during couples counseling where abuse is present in the relationship:
- To form a trust alignment with the abuser, the therapist may take time to critique ways the victim may be responding to the abuse. Abuse is traumatizing, and responses are often involuntary. Therefore, the focus needs to remain 100% on the abuser’s faulty beliefs and thinking as well as the specific harmful behaviors that are being displayed for the victim to experience the validation she needs and deserves. Even if the therapist indicates that 10% of the problem is due to the victim’s behaviors, the abuser will treat the 10% as though it is 100% of the problem. If the therapist does not fully align with the victim, the victim is exposed to new trauma and feelings of abandonment by the therapist. These experiences will exacerbate the victim’s trauma.
- Focusing on the victim’s reactions during any couples counseling session gives power to the abuser to ignore their behaviors while shifting blame onto the victim.
- The victim often needs help understanding the importance of establishing stronger boundaries. It’s usually best to discuss healthy boundaries and boundary setting with consequences determined without the abuser present. The victim has a lower sense of self-worth and lacks confidence. Discussing these fears and viewpoints should be done privately. Otherwise, the abuser will exploit what he learns about his partner.
- It’s not unusual for victims to have a hard time describing the complicated nature and specifics of hidden forms of manipulation, intimidation, and covert emotional abuse. This can lead to the therapist not fully understanding the nature and severity of the abuse nor the need for intervention, which adds further trauma to the victim.
- Victims may also be afraid to fully disclose what is happening within the relationship for fear of retaliation when they get home. Sharing vulnerabilities in front of the abuser in therapy does not create a safe therapeutic environment for the victim.
- Couples therapy can take a long time and can cause the victim to experience increased trauma. Victims become exhausted, which only makes trauma symptoms worse.
- The abuser learns therapeutic terminology and twists what the therapist says, which is then used to blame and pathologize the victim incorrectly.
- When an abuser participates in therapy, they deny, blame, and avoid responsibility. They lie, distort the truth, assert false accusations against the victim, and use a shred of truth with omissions to confuse the therapist. If the victim is present, these behaviors are highly traumatizing. If the therapist is not expertly trained to clearly and quickly see the signs of manipulation, the victim will be harmed by both their partner and the therapist. The victim will feel that nothing they say will lead to an accurate intervention and that two people are against one. For a victim who is already traumatized and confused, this professional maltreatment or misdirected therapy exacerbates the victim’s trauma.
- In couples therapy, the therapist rarely takes sides. They treat the problems as though they are mutual relational issues. Abuse is not a relational problem. Abuse is a choice the abuser makes; it’s not a mistake, and it’s never the victim’s fault.
- For many couples, marriage carries spiritual implications, and they may not fit well with a counselor who disagrees with their core beliefs. But be cautious. Most faith counselors have little to no experience in understanding or responding to emotional abuse. They often believe that only physical violence is considered abusive. They may feel strongly that the institution of marriage is more valuable than the victim and children’s emotional and physical safety inside the marriage. Or, they place the lion shares of the responsibility on the woman to submit to her husband and die to herself. Even so, if there is no infidelity in the relationship, there is a common belief among religious counselors that there is no justification for the woman to use her voice, set boundaries with consequences, separate, or divorce.
- Victims of hidden forms of emotional abuse often languish in prolonged states of stress and confusion for months, years, or even decades, not understanding the reasons behind their relationship problems. The patterns of destructive behaviors are too complicated to identify or describe. They have not yet learned the proper language, identified as a victim of abuse, or accepted that their partner is an abuser. Suppose you have begun couples therapy before gaining clarity about your situation. In that case, it’s essential that your counselor not confuse wanting to support both partners with their professional obligation to support the victim entirely. They also should not over-confront or shock you with the information but speak with you privately to share what they believe is happening in your relationship. Then, after you have absorbed the reality of your situation, and only with your consent, it can be very validating to be present when the therapist communicates to your abusive spouse that the core reason for the relationship problems is domestic violence. In some cases, this would not be safe. The victim needs to be the one to determine what next steps are best for them. It may be time to confidentially make an exit plan and not disclose plans to the abuser until the victim is fully prepared to do so.
These are just a few of the reasons it is not advisable for couples who are experiencing abuse to undergo couples therapy until they each have been in individual therapy and their therapists and the victim have seen longstanding evidence of change in the abuser.
When It’s Time To Stop Therapy
We encourage you to trust your gut instincts when it comes to therapy.
If something seems “off” in the initial assessment sessions or after multiple meetings as time goes on, you can pause to pay attention to that feeling. Or maybe you don’t feel that your therapist is willing to confront destructive patterns in a timely fashion or support you if you are being victimized or in a way that matches your situation; regardless of why, listen to your gut when it doesn’t feel right or isn’t working well for you. It is okay and acceptable to stop therapy and seek help elsewhere. There is no obligation to continue sessions if you don’t feel the therapist understands the patterns or dynamics or isn’t fully supporting the victim in the process.
And you might not fully understand why you’re feeling uncomfortable or what it is that feels off. That’s normal and okay. Still, trust your instinct.
Not every counselor is a match.
In Conclusion
Relationships are intricate, filled with highs and lows, joys and challenges.
Couples counseling can be a transformative tool for many relationships facing typical issues, but where abuse is present, it can be traumatizing.
Often couples or families come into counseling because things are just not working in the relationship. Sometimes, especially in a family, one person is identified as “the problem” when the underlying issue may be the way you are relating to each other.
Individual therapy with a mental health therapist can be a complement to couples counseling, offering a safe space for self-reflection and personal growth. In some cases, individuals may realize during couples therapy that they need additional support to address personal challenges or past traumas. Seeking individual therapy with a mental health therapist allows for a more comprehensive approach to healing, fostering stronger emotional well-being and enhancing the overall effectiveness of the couples counseling journey
Knowing when counseling can be beneficial—and when it might not be—is crucial for couples seeking support. Thanks for providing such a balanced and insightful perspective on this sensitive topic!
Thank you for your kind words! It means so much to know the article resonated with you. Navigating when couples counseling can help—or when it might not—is such an important conversation, and we’re grateful to be part of spreading clarity on this sensitive topic. 💛
With Love,
Annette
My wife and I are having a very difficult time in our marriage. She has her valid complaints about me including lack of empathy and how I show love. I have problems with her anger including verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. How are we supposed to improve our marriage if we shouldn’t seek couples counseling? What options do we have besides individual counseling.
It sounds like both you and your wife are struggling with deep pain in your marriage, and I appreciate that you’re seeking insight into the best way forward.
Your wife has expressed concerns about your ability to show empathy and love in ways that feel meaningful to her, while you are struggling with how she expresses anger—including verbal, emotional, and physical aggression. When conflicts escalate to this level, it often signals deeper patterns in the relationship that need to be unpacked and thoroughly understood before solutions can be implemented.
If your wife’s anger is a reaction to your behavior, it may be important to explore whether she feels emotionally unheard or invalidated in ways that fuel frustration. At the same time, anger that becomes physically harmful crosses a line. Even though frustration and anger may be justified she will need help understanding ways to regulate her emotions. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of physical abuse even if frustrations are valid. Said another way, there is probably a good explanation but it’s not an excuse. What often happens is that one person is emotionally unavailable or stonewalls conversations with defensive patterns. Empathy is not expressed. These behaviors are highly frustrating and confusing. She is being emotionally abandoned by defensive posturing, rather than experiencing validation, listening and empathy. Can you please tell me. When your wife raises a reasonable complaint, concern or hurt do you get defensive or do you treat her with empathy and curiosity wanting to understand her concerns better? If you get defensive on a regular basis it is a sign of covert narcissism. You’re self protective and avoid emotional connection. You’re uncomfortable with emotions, yours and hers. Frustration from covert narcissism leads to trauma and involuntary trauma responses rather than controlled responses. Lacking empathy will destroy any relationship and is evidentiary of a much deeper problem. If I’m correct in what I’m thinking is taking place in your relationship please go to our website and click on the resource page. Look up The Maze of Confusion. The maze visual tool acts as a metaphor for a conversation. The gold line represents how healthy couples get through conflicts. The remainder of the maze demonstrates how defensiveness blocks the person with destructive behaviors such as blame-shifting, deflections, stonewalling, lack of empathy, gas-lighting and so forth. There are so many defensive behaviors being employed in one conversation that your wife becomes very frustrated and confused feeling abandoned but unable to unpack what just happened. If I’m correct, you might notice how the conversation takes many twists and turns or seems to be circular with no positive outcome or solutions. These behaviors are destructive and emotionally abusive.
This is why traditional couples counseling is not the best option in relationships where there is emotional or physical harm present. Couples counseling often assumes both partners contribute equally to the dynamic and does not address the possibility of deeper relational patterns, including possible emotional neglect or coercion that may be fueling the cycle. Instead, individual counseling for each of you—preferably with someone trained in trauma and abuse dynamics—can help bring clarity and healing.
I recommend that you read our blog article on Reactive Abuse. Both you and your wife can benefit from this article.
If you haven’t yet, I highly encourage you to consider taking The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/finding-clarity-and-healing-curriculum. This course was created for situations just like yours and has been life-changing for many. It can help you understand the deeper nuances of emotional harm, relational patterns, and personal healing, equipping you with the tools you need to move forward with greater clarity.
Right now, the focus should not just be on “fixing” the marriage but on truly understanding what’s happening beneath the surface—so that both of you can move toward healing in an emotionally safe and healthy way. You deserve clarity and support as you navigate this. If you don’t know a good trauma/abuse therapist, I’d like to recommend Dr. David Hawkins at The Marriage Recovery Center. He is highly experienced and knowledgeable and during your initial assessments, he will be able to determine who is doing what to whom and recommend a treatment plan for you both.
Please feel free to reach out again.
Warmly,
Annette Oltmans