What is Double Abuse®
+ How to Prevent It
The MEND Project
We at The MEND Project have found that what is true and extremely damaging for most victims of abuse is the Double Abuse® victims too often receive when reaching out for help.
Double Abuse takes place when a victim finally finds the courage to speak up about their experience with abuse or reach out for help and is met with disbelief, criticisms, incorrect judgments, ultimatums, unwanted advice, and various comments that silence them, or when they experience apathy from others rather than compassion and support, each of which causes additional trauma.
In this guide, you will learn about this specific and highly destructive type of harm that traumatizes victims, sometimes more than the Original Abuse.
More specifically, you’re going to learn:
Let’s talk about it.
Double Abuse—How It Begins
Picture this…
Sarah and her boyfriend had been having problems, and things were worsening.
One night, their arguing intensified, and he threw Sarah into a wall.
Although he immediately apologized, Sarah knew she needed help.
The next day, she confided in her coworker, someone whom she also considered a friend. Sarah hoped to get support on her decision to get help and possibly clarify what to do next.
It wasn’t easy for Sarah to admit what had happened, but she knew she needed support and a safe person to talk to.
After sharing what happened, her friend asked, “What did you do to make him so mad?”
Sarah was caught off-guard and immediately felt ashamed, but she went ahead and told her friend about the cause of the fight.
In response, her co-worker asked if it was possible that Sarah’s boyfriend did not intend to shove her and that it was just an accident.
These two questions disturbed Sarah just as much, if not more so, as the fact that her boyfriend had violently pushed her.
The inquiries confused her and made her feel responsible for his reaction.
They caused her to second-guess what had happened and analyze her conversation leading up to the physical abuse instead of remaining focused on the fact that Sarah’s boyfriend had chosen to be abusive.
Was it her fault for making him so upset? Did she overreact?
Perhaps he was truly ‘sorry’ and she should just move on.
Sarah was caught off-guard and immediately felt ashamed, but she went ahead and told her friend about the cause of the fight.
In response, her co-worker asked if it was possible that Sarah’s boyfriend did not intend to shove her and that it was just an accident.
These two questions disturbed Sarah just as much, if not more so, as the fact that her boyfriend had violently pushed her.
The inquiries confused her and made her feel responsible for his reaction.
They caused her to second-guess what had happened and analyze her conversation leading up to the physical abuse instead of remaining focused because Sarah’s boyfriend had chosen to be abusive.
Was it her fault for making him so upset? Did she overreact?
Perhaps he was truly ‘sorry’ and she should just move on.
Double Abuse Can Be Difficult to Spot—But It Happens Every Day in Situations Like This
What just happened between Sarah and her coworker?
How her co-worker chose to respond is a form of secondary abuse called Double Abuse.
The Original Abuse happened when Sarah’s boyfriend pushed her, and possibly even before that escalated incident.
More likely than not, this act of physical abuse was preceded by covert emotional abuse as well.
But the harm Sarah experienced from her boyfriend’s abuse did not end with the Original Abuse.
The Double Abuse occurred when her co-worker, a supposedly trustworthy person in Sarah’s life, responded the way she did.
More likely than not, this act of physical abuse was preceded by covert emotional abuse as well.
But the harm Sarah experienced from her boyfriend’s abuse did not end with the Original Abuse.
The Double Abuse occurred when her co-worker, a supposedly trustworthy person in Sarah’s life, responded the way she did.
However inadvertently, her co-worker shifted the blame for the Original Abuse from the abuser onto Sarah by choosing to question Sarah’s actions, seemingly excusing the abuser and justifying his behavior.
This increased Sarah’s anxiety and exacerbated the trauma she was already experiencing.
The co-worker’s response doubled the harm to Sarah, rather than creating a safe space for her to be heard, seen, and supported.
What Is Double Abuse?
Double Abuse is a phrase The MEND Project coined to refer to the harm and trauma caused by third parties responding to victims who find the courage to speak up or seek help from their experience of Original Abuse.
Instead of receiving empathy and support, these victims encounter further harm when they are met with apathy, criticism, incorrect judgment, pointed or leading questions, incorrect guidance, ultimatums, and ostracization. These harms can come by family, friends, therapists, faith-based organizations, or professional communities when victims don’t comply.
This secondary mistreatment compounds the damage caused by the initial abuse, making the healing process even more difficult for survivors.
Where Does Double Abuse Come From?
At its root, Double Abuse stems from a place of unawareness, social conditioning, or a combination of the two.
False or negative understandings of gender roles and oppression ingrained in society still hold an effect. If we fail to recognize our faulty thinking, it is nearly impossible to interface with abuse victims healthily.
Consider the following common thinking threads throughout society that promote Double Abuse:
Toxic Masculinity
Rooted in deeply held beliefs and traditional gender roles that encourage men to achieve dominance. The imposition of power and control, even superiority, is prevalent in this form of masculinity. These beliefs lead to harmful cultural and social norms, including violence against women.
Toxic masculinity can also be the belief that men are more sexual beings with desires that deserve to be expressed. Therefore, women should expect and accept when they make unwanted sexual advances, abuse, assault, or demonstrate angry outbursts when their desires go unfulfilled.
This is where statements such as “boys will be boys” stem from.
Responses like this have been ingrained in our culture. Maintaining a social acceptance of men who freely exhibit anger while suppressing fear, sadness, or other healthy emotions ultimately sustains a harmful culture against women.
Parts of toxic masculinity include perceptions and assertions that women are too emotional. What is more accurate is that women are often more attuned to their emotions and can express them. Toxic male culture is uncomfortable with emotions, his and hers. This leads to wrongly judging her emotions as expressions of hypersensitivity, over-complaining, or being too demanding. Toxic male culture also expresses disdain for feminine traits. This is where we get phrases like, “Don’t run like a girl or don’t cry like a girl.”
Toxic masculinity has also led to the silent suffering of many male abuse victims who fear that they would be seen as weak or incompetent for speaking out or expressing their emotions.
Victim-Blaming
In our culture, it is considered normal to assume that the victim, not the perpetrator, is guilty until proven innocent.
This is the thinking that undergirds inappropriate questions often posed to victims such as “What did you say to make them so angry?”
In reality, studies show that only 3% of all sexual assault victim allegations turn out to be false.
These mindsets and more have been consistently communicated in media, in education, and even in varying faith-based communities. Many people operate from these frameworks without even realizing they are harmful.
Unconscious biases or threads of faulty thinking and beliefs prevent victims from receiving the compassion, support, and healing they desperately deserve and need. Unconscious biases and faulty thinking can also make the individual responding to the victim an accomplice in sustaining the abuse.
What Makes Double Abuse So Destructive?
For a moment, let's return to our example from the introduction.
You may be thinking:
Sure, that wasn’t the right thing to say, but her coworker did not mean to abuse her when she said that.
It’s true that she probably didn’t. At the same time, ignorance is not an excuse.
Most people who are acting out Double Abuse do not realize that their response is even harmful. With that said, however, when victims try to explain Double Abuse, responders who are entrenched in their beliefs and biases will double down in their position defensively rather than be open to learning that their responses are destructive.
Double Abuse is so treacherous that it not only directly harms the victim, it also emboldens the perpetrator by placing the responsibility for the abuse, or the relationship, on the victim.
Double Abuse Even Happens in the Public Eye
Unfortunately, we also see many examples play out in the public arena.
Double Abuse happens all the time.
And all too often it comes from someone close to the victim, like a family member, friend, or coworker - as seen in the example of Sarah and her boyfriend.
Yet, the most impactful form of Double Abuse occurs when uneducated and ill-informed family and
friends ignore the voice of the victim, instead defining the situation by their own wrong ideas,
perspectives, or biases. Many times, this leads the family and friends to impose harsh expectations of
how the victim should react and respond, even giving her further consequences if she doesn't comply.
One of the most high-profile cases of Double Abuse was with former United States Gymnastics Association Doctor Larry Nassar.
Many of the gymnasts he abused told their parents, school administrators, gymnastics officials, and/or law enforcement about the sexual abuse they suffered from their “trusted physician.”
But Nassar used twisted justifications and medical terminology to convince everyone, law enforcement included, that what he had done to the gymnasts was simply part of his job and not sexual.
The girls came forward expecting to receive help. Instead, they saw their experiences manipulated by their abuser and minimized by responders.
Their personal nightmares were turned into what others redefined as untrue.
These gymnasts experienced Double Abuse just like Sarah did, only much worse. When reaching out to authority figures, victims carry reasonable expectations that knowledgeable responders will support and protect them. The disparity between the reasonable expectation of what should occur and what actually occurs often determines the severity of trauma a victim will endure from the Double Abuse.
The Original Abuse was perpetrated by Nassar. However, the gymnasts experienced Double Abuse when their trusted advisors and authorities chose not to believe them.
Instead, those who should have interceded with help and accountability were fooled by Nassar’s stories of “necessary medical Interactions.” Responders were quick to label the victims as complaining or too sensitive and uncooperative.
Examples of Double Abuse
Here are some more examples of Double Abuse that, unfortunately, happen all too often in our homes, communities, and society.
Hopefully, these examples will help you to recognize when Double Abuse might be happening so that you can appropriately label it, call it out, and/or seek the necessary help to protect yourself and others while healing from the trauma.
Example #1: When Persons of Authority Have No Idea How to Handle Trauma or Abuse
For instance, when a rape victim shares her traumatic experience and she is asked to explain, usually more than once, why she walked somewhere alone or went on a date with the perpetrator, as though she deserved the crime against her.
She begins to doubt herself and her experience, thinking it’s her fault.
Example #2: Therapists Who Misdirect, Downplay, Breach Protocol, or Do Not Disclose They are Outside of Their Scope of Training
When a therapist does not stand with the surviving client entrusted in their care in matters of abuse, the survivor is re-victimized, re-traumatized, and further abused by someone who should be a knowledgeable and trustworthy advocate.
Example #3: Uninformed Spiritual Leader with Judgmental, Narrow, or Patriarchal Prejudices
When a woman reaches out for help from her church or Bible study and is not believed, or she is instructed to ‘stick it out,’ ‘pray for her husband,’ or simply ‘submit,’ she is being pressed down, diminished, and made small by the very circle that is called to help lift up, empower, heal, and restore her.
Example #4: Family, Friends, and Loved Ones Who Ignore the Abuse or Blame the Victim
One of the most impactful forms of Double Abuse occurs when uneducated, ill-informed family and friends ignore the voice of the victim—instead defining the situation through their faulty ideas, perspectives, or biases.
Many times, this leads family and friends to impose harsh expectations on the victim about how they should react and respond, even giving them further consequences if they do not comply.
In any of these examples, the harm it causes the victim is impossible to overemphasize, whether intentional or unintentional.
Examples of Double Abuse
Here are some more examples of Double Abuse that, unfortunately, happen all too often in our homes, communities, and society.
Hopefully, these examples will help you to recognize when Double Abuse might be happening so that you can appropriately label it, call it out, and/or seek the necessary help to protect yourself and others while healing from the trauma.
Example #1: When Persons of Authority Have No Idea How to Handle Trauma or Abuse
For instance, when a rape victim shares her traumatic experience and she is asked to explain, usually more than once, why she walked somewhere alone or went on a date with the perpetrator, as though she deserved the crime against her.
She begins to doubt herself and her experience, thinking it’s her fault.
Example #2: Therapists Who Misdirect, Downplay, Breach Protocol, or Do Not Disclose They Are Outside of Their Scope of Training
When a therapist does not stand with the surviving client entrusted in their care in matters of abuse, the survivor is re-victimized, re-traumatized, and further abused by someone who should be a knowledgeable and trustworthy advocate.
Example #3: Uninformed Spiritual Leader With Judgmental, Narrow, or Patriarchal Prejudices
When a woman reaches out for help from her church or Bible study and is not believed, or she is instructed to ‘stick it out,’ ‘pray for her husband,’ or simply ‘submit,’ she is being pressed down, diminished, and made small by the very circle that is called to help her lift her up, empower, heal, and restore her.
Example #4: Family, Friends, and Loved Ones Who Ignore the Abuse or Blame the Victim
One of the most impactful forms of Double Abuse occurs when uneducated, ill-informed family and friends ignore the voice of the victim—instead defining the situation through their faulty ideas, perspectives, or biases.
Many times, this leads family and friends to impose harsh expectations on the victim about how they should react and respond, even giving them further consequences if they do not comply.
In any of these examples, the harm it causes the victim is impossible to overemphasize, whether intentional or unintentional.
Double Abuse and Complex PTSD
Double Abuse is another psychological injury to the victim that can escalate the victim’s Post-Traumatic Stress into Complex PTSD, a much more difficult, and serious, form of trauma to heal.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the result of either an acute event or cumulative trauma, usually via troubled relationships, which do not get processed or resolved (G. Erwin, 2000).
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is defined as ongoing psychological stress injury that results from repeated trauma over which the victim has little or no control and from which there is no real or perceived hope of escape (see www.outofthestorm.website).
Author and psychotherapist Belleruth Naparstek found in her research of over 70 studies on trauma that individuals who escaped suffering from PTSD were those who were believed, supported, respected, and even exalted for their sacrifice and experience. This important meta-analysis - involving seventy-seven different studies - showed that a lack of social support after trauma increases the likelihood of PTSD more than a person’s pre-trauma situation.
According to Naparstek, one thing is certain: victims and survivors of trauma deserve the utmost respect.
If this is true, what happens when the opposite takes place?
The cost to the victim is added cruelty and oppression.
Trauma sets in motion serious emotional and physiological reactions that can themselves be debilitating or terrorizing.
This means trauma goes on to negatively affect a person’s physical health and psychological well-being.
There is a biochemical and involuntary immunological chain of events that can result in an unusual number of medical problems.
Belleruth Naparstek explains it this way:
PTSD presents some sort of conflated disturbance in the regulation of our neurobiological [the mind], endocrinological [hormonal, developmental, sleep, mood, sexual function, growth, metabolism, and tissue function] and immunological systems.
(Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal).
Traumatic events destroy the sustaining bonds between individual and community. Those who have survived learn that their sense of self, of worth, and of humanity, depends upon a feeling of connection to others. The solidarity of a group provides the strongest protection against terror and despair and the strongest antidote to traumatic experiences. Trauma isolates; the group recreates a sense of belonging. Trauma shames and stigmatizes; the group bears witness and affirms. Trauma degrades the victim; the group exalts her. Trauma dehumanizes the victim; the group restores her humanity.
(Herman, Trauma and Recovery, p. 214)
Reading the above quote, one can imagine the trauma Dr. Nassar’s victims experienced when USA Gymnastics, the FBI, and Michigan State University overpowered victims and wrongly redefined the matter by standing against victims.
When the group acts out Double Abuse rather than meeting the reasonable expectation held by the victim to receive compassion and support, the victim’s trauma is exponentially exacerbated, leading victims to a place of hopelessness and despair.
How to Help Stop Double Abuse to Prevent the Development of PTSD Into C-PTSD
We can all benefit from taking note of the harm we might do to another if we don’t slow down enough to be present and show compassion to those experiencing trauma.
Victims cannot heal in isolation. They need safe people. There is life-giving power in connection with others that serves the healing process in essential ways.
Early in a victim’s process, after they’ve experienced trauma, there is a pathway to hope where you can shift their mindset from despair and self-blame to hope and restoration.
When coming alongside a trauma victim, you can be that intervening positive force helping to prevent their PTSD from moving into C-PTSD.
If responders and the community respond compassionately to the victim it can truly be like Kintsugi’s golden repair.
How to Help Someone Who’s Experiencing Double Abuse
It’s crucial to remember that harmful responses paralyze progress and escalate trauma.
The victim is never the one on which to cast blame, whatever your opinion, perspective, or worldview may be.
They have chosen to come to you for support, empathy, and consideration. They have extended you a great compliment by placing trust in you.
Listen to them. Believe them.
Set yourself and your experience, upbringing, or predisposed biases aside and be with them in their pain.
Offer a gentle hand, reaching out to help them stand up again. This is necessary if you truly want to help abuse victims and avoid inflicting more damage.
Our Healing Model of Compassion - and the steps within it - was designed to guide your responses to truly promote healing and help facilitate a positive outcome for the victim.
Here, you’ll find an appropriate approach to responding to trauma in Our Healing Model of Compassion.
For Victims: How to Heal From Double Abuse
Healing from Double Abuse can be a challenging and complex process.
But with time, support, and self-compassion, moving toward recovery and healing is possible. We want you to know there is hope!
Here are some steps and strategies that can aid in healing from Double Abuse:
Acknowledge the Impact
Recognize and validate the emotional and psychological impact of both the Original Abuse and the Double Abuse. Understand that it is normal to have complex feelings and intense reactions.
Abuse and Double Abuse are never the victim’s fault.
Seek Professional Help
Consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional who has experience in trauma and abuse counseling.
A therapist can provide a safe space to process your experiences and emotions and help you navigate the healing journey.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
It is essential to set clear boundaries with individuals who perpetuate Double Abuse or engage in victim-blaming behavior. Walk away from those individuals who are unsupportive. Disengage, and move on to a new community that will fully align with you.
Practice self-compassion
Be gentle with yourself and avoid self-blame. Know and understand that the responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the abuser(s) and not with the victim.
Join Support Groups
Connecting with other survivors who have experienced Double Abuse can be incredibly empowering. Sharing experiences, insights, and coping strategies with others who understand can foster a sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation. You cannot heal in isolation. It’s essential to have safe connections.
Engage in Healing Activities
Explore healing modalities such as art therapy, mindfulness practices, yoga, exercise, or journaling to express emotions and work through trauma healthily.
Spend as much time as you can in safe communities, even if you have to stretch yourself. An art class or exercise class with new people can have a profoundly positive effect on your emotional and physical health. Trauma and stress cause stress hormones to be produced within your body at toxic levels.
It’s important to take action in ways that will counter those stress hormones. Art and physical activity, and other methods of self-care produce endorphins, which counteract toxic hormones.
Challenge Negative Thought Patterns
Be mindful of self-critical thoughts that may have been perpetuated by the Double Abuse experience. Challenge these thoughts and replace them with more compassionate and empowering beliefs. You are your best advocate. Believe in yourself.
We don’t recommend trying to convince doubly abusive people to change their beliefs. Attempting to do so rarely turns out well. Adults are entitled to their own beliefs, even when they are wrong. If you are an adult, you don’t need permission from anyone to take the steps and make the choices you deem to be good for you. You know who you are inside and out. Don’t allow how others mischaracterized you to redefine your sense of identity. As hard as it may be, move on to others who fully align with you and offer you caring support.
Focus on Safety and Well-Being
Prioritize your safety and well-being in all aspects of life. Make choices that support your healing and create an environment that fosters growth, autonomy, and recovery. If you have to convince someone to be supportive of you when they aren’t, the conversation will likely lead to more trauma. Please don’t spend your energy on what will likely be a futile attempt. Move on.
Celebrate Progress
Healing is a gradual and lengthy process. Be patient with yourself and recognize your resilience and strength in navigating the challenges. Celebrate even the small steps forward!
Educate Others
Raise awareness about Double Abuse and its impact on survivors. Educating others can help break the cycle of victim-blaming and promote empathy and support.
Remember, healing from Double Abuse takes time, and it is okay to have setbacks along the way. Reach out for support when needed and practice self-care as you continue your healing process. You deserve compassion, understanding, and the opportunity to heal and rebuild your life after experiencing such trauma.
Conclusion
Healing from Double Abuse is a challenging journey, but it is possible with compassion, support, and understanding from safe people. By acknowledging the harmful impact of Double Abuse and recognizing its root causes in society, we can work towards putting an end to victim-blaming and creating a safer and more supportive environment for survivors.
It is vital to educate ourselves and others about Double Abuse to create a society where victims are believed, respected, and empowered. If you know someone who is experiencing Double Abuse, remember the power of empathy and active listening. Be a positive force in their healing process by offering validation, understanding, encouragement, and advocacy if they want it. By following our Healing Model of Compassion, you can help prevent the escalation of trauma and foster a sense of belonging and support for survivors.
Together, we can work toward a world where the blame for abuse rests solely on the shoulders of abusers and survivors find the compassion and healing they need and deserve.
Help & Information
If you are in immediate danger contact the national hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or call 911.
Disclaimer: The author of this website, The MEND Project and its founder, Annette Oltmans, takes responsibility for the presentation of the content of this website. We are not clinicians, but are researchers and desire to help you. We are not trying to vilify any gender, or any person, regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, nationality etc. Our mission is to identify and clarify the single behaviors or patterns of behaviors that occur when covert abuse is present. The material on this website and the services our nonprofit offers are offered in an effort to serve all victims of abuse. © 2024 The MEND Project. All Rights Reserved.