Why It’s So Difficult to Know
It is confusing and disorienting, slowly eroding your sense of self, your confidence, your trust in your own perception, and even your memory.
You may wonder: “Is something wrong with me?” or “Am I overreacting?” That’s how emotional abuse works over time.
MEND has created tools and resources to help you gain clarity.
One of those resources is this emotional abuse assessment quiz. No two circumstances are exactly the same, so some of the questions may resonate with you while others may not.
Note: This quiz is not a diagnostic tool, but rather a guide to help you realize whether or not you are experiencing emotional abuse in your relationship.
How This Emotional Abuse Quiz Works
This quiz contains several statements based on real emotional abuse behaviors, tactics, and patterns. As you read, choose the option that fits your experience:
We encourage you to pay attention to and trust your gut response. Be honest.
There are no wrong answers—this is for you.
Emotional Abuse Quiz: Ask Yourself These Questions
You often feel like you're walking on eggshells and hesitate to bring up concerns because of how your partner may react.
Conflicts frequently spiral into prolonged circular, “crazy-making” conversations or arguments that rarely lead to resolution or productive solutions.
When you attempt to raise a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, your partner changes the subject, refuses to discuss the problem, or gets defensive.
Peace seems possible only when issues are ignored or swept under the rug.
You've learned to make yourself small or to shrink your presence in the relationship to avoid setting your partner off.
You have felt afraid of your partner, even though they have not physically harmed you.
Your partner frequently presents a version of events that is vastly different from your own, causing you to question your memory or perception.
You feel a need to write things down or record conversations to prove what really happened.
You feel misled because your partner omits key information, lies, or denies things that actually happened.
Your partner rarely apologizes, or when they do, it isn’t done with sincerity.
Your partner makes promises but doesn’t keep them.
Trusting your partner feels difficult, and this uncertainty often leaves you feeling insecure and anxious much of the time.
Your partner uses porn against your wishes, or has had an affair, or threatens to.
Your partner regularly shifts blame for their behavior, making you appear to be the one at fault.
Your partner doesn’t accept responsibility through denial, justifications, or minimizing the impact of their harmful behavior.
Your feelings are minimized, dismissed, or met with accusations that you’re overly sensitive or critical.
Your partner criticizes your interests, creativity, friendships, family, achievements, or dreams in ways that diminish your personhood.
You feel unsafe being your whole self in the relationship, fearing that authenticity will upset or provoke them.
Private things about you are shared without your consent.
You feel misrepresented—your partner speaks about you in ways that are inaccurate or dishonoring.
You are not spoken to with consistent respect, especially during moments of conflict or when you provide feedback.
Your partner attempts to control important aspects of your life, such as your finances, relationships, time, parenting, or choices.
You're often treated like a child rather than a respected adult.
Religious language or beliefs are used to control your thoughts or behaviors, or to label your thoughts and feedback as wrong.
Your needs and desires are dismissed while theirs are prioritized.
You feel unsafe saying “stop” or “no,” knowing there will be emotional or verbal consequences.
Your boundaries are regularly ignored, or they do the opposite of what they promised to do.
Loyalty is demanded from you even when your partner’s behavior is harmful or destructive.
Your partner is largely uninvolved in the emotional labor of daily life, including parenting and household responsibilities.
Your partner shows up well only when it is convenient or when others are watching.
You're met with the silent treatment as a form of punishment when what you were seeking was a deeper connection or empathy.
Affection and emotional closeness are withheld as a means of control or as a form of punishment.
You frequently feel lonely, confused, or emotionally abandoned.
The emotional climate of the home shifts toward tension and anxiety when your partner is present.
Your partner prioritizes their own sexual needs over yours.
You’ve been forced into sexual activity when you didn’t want to participate.
Your partner frequently rejects you when you initiate intimacy.
A large portion of your energy is spent trying to manage your partner’s emotions.
Your thoughts are often preoccupied with trying to make sense of the pain and confusion in your relationship.
You find yourself reacting in ways that don’t align with who you usually are.
You sometimes question your worth, wondering if you’re unlovable or deeply flawed.
You often doubt yourself or feel unworthy.
You’ve pulled away from friends or family because of confusion or shame about yourself or your relationship.
You feel that nothing you do is good enough.
Your partner rarely compliments you on how you look or for the many things you do for them.
In conflict, your partner does not seem to value your feelings or preferences.
Your partner pushes for agreement with their opinions and expects alignment with their desires.
Your partner tells you that you should think or feel a certain way. Or, they mischaracterize or attribute a different meaning to what you said.
Your partner is easily offended and tends to take things personally.
Your partner rarely makes lasting changes when they promise to do so.
Your partner does not regulate their emotions in difficult situations or work toward mutually beneficial outcomes.
Your boundaries are agreed to in one conversation, but when the situation arises again, they are often disregarded.
There is a stark contrast between how your partner behaves in public and how they treat you or your children in private.
Your partner lacks healthy, stable friendships.
Your partner struggles to allow space for differing viewpoints or experiences.
When your partner causes harm, they avoid accountability or refuse to take responsibility.
Your partner tries to control how others perceive them by telling stories that cast themselves in a better light or doing things for others that they won’t do for you.
Your partner’s communication lacks consistency in showing you respect and equality, while they expect to be respected.
Your partner rejects consequences when they violate your reasonable boundaries.
Your partner overpowers you by raging or other punishing actions.
Your partner seems indifferent about your well-being or the relationship as a whole.
You rarely receive the empathy you’re longing for.
You will do just about anything to fix the relationship, while your partner seems to be willing to barely lift a finger.
You are highly stressed and you notice it in your body with headaches, stomach aches, or autoimmune illnesses that are difficult to explain.
You try to get your partner to understand what they are doing wrong to the point of emotional exhaustion, with poor outcomes.
You fear or are unsure of what your partner is capable of doing to retaliate if you seek a separation or divorce.
You’ve tried confiding in your partner about your vulnerabilities, only to later experience that they're being used against you to put you down.
You’ve tried couples therapy, but it didn’t help or made things worse.
You’re partner tells you you're too emotional, even though their emotions drive the relationship.
Understanding Your Score
If you found yourself agreeing or strongly agreeing with many of these statements, it indicates that your relationship involves harmful patterns that undermine your emotional safety, autonomy, or well-being.
These patterns are often subtle and confusing, and they usually escalate over time.
Even agreeing with just a few of these statements can be a sign that you may be dealing with emotional abuse.
Healing Begins with Awareness
This assessment isn’t meant to diagnose or label your experience—it’s meant to offer you clarity and to help you begin to name what you’ve been experiencing.
Realizing emotional abuse is happening is a big first step.
Please have self-compassion for what you didn’t know or what you couldn’t name or find words to describe. Be gentle with yourself. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time, and we can change our minds with new information.
If you need help now, you may reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a local domestic violence agency. You may also seek the help of a professional who is highly skilled and trained in abuse and trauma.
With compassion and curiosity, you can begin again—with healing, strength, and confidence.
If this is the case, you may find the following tools and resources helpful:
Resources for Your Journey
Clarity is the first necessary step toward healing.
At MEND, we offer a range of free educational and empowering resources to provide you with the clarity and support you need and deserve.
You may consider taking our self-paced course Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. Many participants report that it saved them a year of traditional therapy and accelerated their healing journey.
Each month, we offer free monthly workshops where we gather to explore topics related to abuse and trauma in greater depth.
On our website, you will find many blog articles to help you understand the nuances within your relationship.
We have a beautiful community of people who understand and validate your experience—some who, like you, may be questioning their relationship, others who have determined they are in an abusive relationship and are seeking help and support, and many who have gained healing and freedom from abuse.
We’d love for you to join us!
If you need help now, you may reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a local domestic violence agency. You may also seek the help of a professional who is highly skilled and trained in abuse and trauma.
With compassion and curiosity, you can begin again—with healing, strength, and confidence.