How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship Safely: A Guide

If you are in an abusive relationship, the situation can become so dangerous that leaving becomes not just necessary but urgent for your safety. However, exiting such a relationship is rarely straightforward and can even be more dangerous than staying if you’re not well-prepared.

In this guide, we’ll explore how to navigate leaving an abusive relationship safely, especially when you’re facing life-threatening circumstances. We’ll discuss:

For friends, family members, or responders here, we invite you to read along. This guide aims to foster understanding and offer practical advice on supporting someone in need.

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship Safely

Safety is the number one priority.

Leaving an abusive relationship requires strong support and careful planning of an exit strategy, ideally created with a domestic violence advocate who is well-trained.

Any fear you feel is valid, given the circumstances of the relationship, and anyone helping you needs to take your fear seriously. 

Prioritizing safety may mean waiting to leave; other times, it means you need to leave immediately.

The following are the immediate steps you can take if you are currently in danger and need to get out as soon as possible.

Seek Help from a Domestic Violence Advocate

If you sense you are in imminent danger, reach out to the nearest domestic violence shelter or trained advocate right away. Be cautious so your partner does not become aware of what you are doing.

Proceed with Caution

There is a strong possibility that your abuser is tracking you through your phone, automobile, computer, and email. Assume they are and use a burner phone or make calls from a confidential line your partner cannot access when reaching out to shelters, hotlines, attorneys, or others.

Conduct any Internet research on a friend's computer or those available at a public library, but not your personal computer.

If your car is being tracked, turn off your phone and have a friend drive you instead. It could be very dangerous if your abuser discovers you are planning to leave.

What to Say When Seeking Help

Contact domestic violence shelters, a social worker, or an agency addressing intimate partner violence, and tell them you feel threatened by your partner and need a safety plan for escaping a dangerous or abusive situation.

Ask them to do a danger assessment for you. This is a helpful tool that can assist you and your responder in assessing your level of risk.

You may also speak confidentially about the danger you sense with your physician and ask for support. These providers should be able to connect you with resources to address your particular circumstances.

Find an Ally

If making that call seems overwhelming, reach out to a friend you can trust—someone who will not speak with your partner—and ask them to help you, even to the point of making the call with you or accompanying you to a shelter. Together, you can seek guidance on the best plan. Your trusted ally can help you with what you need to do.

Trust Yourself

If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship for some time, you might be so accustomed to your feelings and concerns being minimized, dismissed, or mocked that you aren’t sure. 

Please trust your instincts when they tell you to leave. Trained advocates can recognize and know how to respond to dangerous situations. Many are also survivors themselves and understand the self-doubt and fear you likely feel.

Establish a Code Word

It is crucial to establish a specific code word with trusted friends, family members, or your children. This code word signals them that they must promptly call 9-1-1 and direct emergency services to your location, no questions asked.

Fast Help for Abusive Relationships

If you are unaware of what services are available in your area, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800-787-SAFE (7233). They will answer your questions and help direct you to the best services in your area.

Leaving a dangerous and abusive relationship is rarely easy. Now that you have the most important information needed for creating your safety plan, let’s look at some of the reasons why leaving can be so difficult.

Why Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship Can Be So Challenging

There are many reasons leaving an abusive relationship might be difficult, including:

All of these are valid concerns. 

While there might be many reasons for staying, an abusive relationship is unlikely to change unless your partner is willing to undergo the deep and challenging work transformation requires. Unfortunately, most abusers are unwilling to do so. In many cases, leaving is often the best or only option.

Staying in an Abusive Relationship Isn't an Act of Love

Loving someone doesn’t mean you stay no matter what. Many of us have been taught that love conquers all, and we firmly believe we are supposed to stay in a marriage no matter what. 

For many, we fool ourselves into believing they will change in time if we love them enough.

This is simply not true when your partner is abusive. Abusive partners are often either unaware of their abusive behavior or are unwilling to change, regardless of the consequences. 

Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse are acts of violence, not love. A healthy relationship is not violent. 

In the next section, we’ll explore ways to help you determine if leaving is the right decision.

If your life is not in danger, you may stay until you feel more confident about leaving. To help you know when it’s time to go, you can consider several things, including what is listed below.

Assess Your Feelings

Assess if you are ready. Do you feel prepared, or are you still unsure? Far too often, individuals leave their abuser only to return later, and the abuse escalates. It’s difficult to leave even when you’re ready. But if you are ready, begin by taking concrete steps to create an exit safety plan, including setting aside emergency cash. This process will help build the courage you need to stay gone, remain safe, and heal.

Recognize the Signs

Have you tried everything, but nothing is helping? Your health and mental well-being may be on a downward spiral, and you can’t remember the last time you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells. You are continually seeing warning signs that you can no longer ignore. Nothing is changing other than you. Your health may be failing, and you’re anxious and exhausted. These are all signs that are wise to listen to. Our bodies are smart and sometimes squeak to get us to listen.

Assess Danger

If you fear for your life or your children's lives, it’s time to take the steps we provided in the sections above. In dangerous situations, being proactive is necessary. Leave as soon as you are able. However, if you’re not in immediate danger but know leaving is necessary, here are the essential steps to take, especially if you live together:

Essential Actions for Leaving an Abusive Partner When You Share a Home

Leaving an abusive partner when you live together offers a unique set of challenges. The following steps can help guide you through the process.

Start Saving Money

The best way to prepare is to begin saving money. Develop emergency funds by decreasing your spending and pocketing the change into a location your partner cannot access. Reach out to your local community organizations, domestic violence shelters, or friends who would be willing to help you with food and housing until you have some financial independence. In some counties, there are foundations that provide grant money to individuals to help them leave an abusive partner.

Make a Confidential Exit Plan

Domestic violence agencies or websites can help you create a safe escape or safety plan. Many in your community will not be able or willing to acknowledge the abuse.

For instance:

Creating a plan with an advocate is key.

Select one or two trusted individuals—whether professionals or friends—and share your plan with them.

Maintain Safety While Preparing to Leave

Try not to threaten to leave your partner or hint that you are planning to leave. Doing so could escalate the situation further, leaving you in serious danger. In the meantime, open your own new bank account. Pack an emergency “go” bag, just in case your timing shifts. Always keep your car fueled and ready to leave at a moment’s notice.

Gather Key Personal and Financial Documents

Just as you would create a detailed packing list for a long trip, it's necessary to carefully gather all essential documents and assets needed for a safe departure. Must-have items include:

Do not assume your partner will willingly share this information with you once you leave. Obtain these on your own, if possible, before leaving.

Protect Your Privacy

As soon as an abuser realizes their partner is gone, they are likely to do everything they can to limit their partner’s financial and personal freedom. We recommend changing your personal accounts and creating new passwords for everything (bank, 401(k), or investment accounts, phones, emails, social media accounts, etc.).

Here are some more ways to protect yourself:

Creating a Safety Net: Strategies for Avoiding a Return to Abuse

Once you decide to leave, or if you have already left, there are steps you can take now to keep yourself from returning. Going back is, unfortunately, a reality many individuals face. They break free from the abuse and then, as time goes on, find themselves getting pulled back in. We want to help you avoid this. 

Below are the preventative steps we believe would be most helpful to you.

Avoid Being Tracked

Ensure your location is safe and that you aren’t being tracked. It is very common for abusers to secretly track their partners. You will want to check your phone, computer, email, text messages, and even your car to determine if you are being tracked or monitored in any way.

Make sure you have a confidential home phone number. Use a prepaid cell phone or have your mobile phone checked by an expert for tracking devices or spyware. Most stores that sell these products have services to help you determine whether spyware or other tracking devices have been placed on your technology. We encourage you to use them.

Many domestic violence shelters and agencies also offer a free service to remove trackers or spyware from your phone or other devices so that your location cannot be tracked.

Change Your Routine

You’ll also want to change your routine. If you can’t move far away, we recommend evaluating what routes, work, or common places need to be replaced in order to keep yourself safe. We also advise having a cell phone with you at all times so you can call 9-1-1 at a moment’s notice.

Record Your Reasons for Leaving

What made you leave? The day you leave, write down why you left. Be specific. Whenever you are tempted to return before they have changed, review the list and remember your reasons for going. You may even share what you wrote down with a trusted friend or family member and give them permission to remind you when you need it.

Essential Boundaries to Establish Before Considering Reconnection

This is a note for way down the road! 

While the harmful or dangerous situation is fresh, write down what specific changes you need to see or what action steps they need to take for you to reconsider the possibility of rekindling an intimate relationship.

A day may come when you ask yourself, “Is there something more I could have done to make a difference? Was I overreacting?” We encourage you to adopt a different approach.

Instead of asking yourself what you could have done differently, ask yourself:

You may never want to go back. That’s common, too, and a good outcome! 

That said, it’s good to be prepared in case the thought of returning surfaces.

Moving Forward from Intimate Partner Violence

Getting out of an abusive relationship is not easy. Neither is moving forward, and that is okay. Some things that are worth it are really hard. 

You can nurture yourself in several ways as you begin the difficult process of finding clarity and healing as you move forward on your journey. There are also some essential measures you’ll need to take to care for yourself and your children.

Build a Healing Cocoon

You likely need time to recover from the traumatic effects of an abusive relationship. Find a quiet location where you can rest, restore, and let your emotions, grief, and pain release.

Try to think of the first weeks or months on your own as living within a cocoon, developing and healing so you can emerge and fly. Don’t worry about others so much, or spend too much time trying to make them understand. Pick a few people you can confide in if you need to process with someone.

Build a healthy relationship with yourself.

Read, Listen, and Heal

Read books, articles, and blogs. Listen to podcasts, YouTube talks, courses, music, or the ocean. Do art, go for long walks, and hug yourself. Take baths. Light candles. Journal, meditate, pray, exercise, and sleep. Extend grace and love to yourself. Do you see? You deserve this time, and you need it.

Get Legal Help

Many family law courts offer free clinics to help you with legal separation or divorce. Family law advocates or attorneys can give you helpful advice on setting temporary custody arrangements, handling finances, and limiting communication with your partner without compromising your reputation with a judge hearing your case. It’s wise to be prepared.

Set Boundaries

Physically leaving an abusive home may be step one of ending abuse. Leaving is unlikely to result in the end of your partner’s efforts to exert control over you. Often, they will not allow you space to heal and will continue to exercise as much control as you’ll allow to sabotage your peace – whether it be by constant texting, insults, reputation defamation, repeated voicemails, stopping by school, work, or places they know you go.

The types of boundaries you can set might differ according to your circumstances. Your attorney or a mental health professional can help you to set effective boundaries.

Don’t Wait for Them to Change

Believing change is possible is normal. However, you cannot change someone. A desire to change oneself with a commitment to hard work over a long, sustained period is required before one will consistently demonstrate the transformation necessary to have a healthy relationship. 

Realistically, statistically, very few abusers do the work.

Find Your Community

It’s key that you develop a support system to remind you of why you left and what you can do to heal. Supporters could be:

You need at least one or two supportive individuals who can listen to you without judgment and help you process everything you’ve endured.

There are many resources that can be helpful for your healing journey. Here are some options:

Conclusion