Kathy’s Story: Money Was a Constant Source of Tension

Through her courage and resilience, Kathy offers an eye-opening story of emotional abuse that occurred over the course of her marriage.

Her journey speaks to the quiet struggles that often go unnoticed and unspoken, especially when the abuse isn't physical. 

By sharing her truth, Kathy is helping break the silence and empowering others to find their voices.

Her bravery in speaking out is inspiring, and her story serves as a reminder that no one should feel invisible or unheard in their pain.

This is Kathy’s story, in her own words:

The Façade

Many people admired our lifestyle. 

My husband was an IT executive, and together, we earned over $200,000 a year. 

We hosted grand holiday gatherings in our five-bedroom farmhouse, complete with forty guests, homemade piñatas, salmon, smoked brisket, and lively conversations around our custom-designed dining table. 

My social media was filled with snapshots of live concerts and sun-soaked Caribbean cruises, capturing moments of a life that seemed picture-perfect.

But many were shocked when I revealed he had emotionally abused me throughout our seven-year marriage. 

As people dismissed my experiences – claiming I wasn’t abused because I wasn’t physically hit or accusing me of misusing “overused” mental health terms – I withdrew and became more private. 

It wasn’t until I discovered The MEND Project online that I felt validated and gained the vocabulary to better describe my experiences.

The Water-Glass Incident

One of the first incidents happened not long after we bought our house. 

I placed a water glass from the counter into the dishwasher, and he exploded, yelling about “how dare I move his glass.” 

I was stunned and confused – after all, we had an entire cupboard full of glasses and easy access to water. 

It seemed like such a trivial thing to cause such a reaction.

Growing Tension Around Finances

Money was a constant source of tension in our relationship. 

My husband was the primary earner, controlled our finances, and decided unilaterally whether something was “worth” spending money on. 

I wasn’t allowed to buy pre-cut broccoli because whole crowns were a better deal. 

He would ask about the cost of a premade soup on a cold day, making me look at my grocery store app to see how much the item had cost.

He constantly confused me, saying we had enough money and encouraging me to spend my budgeted discretionary funds but then getting upset about whatever I spent money on. 

After going to the gym in the morning, I stopped for a $2 coffee and the occasional breakfast sandwich, and he got upset over my spending $60 in a month, since it was a better deal to just make coffee at home.

At the same time, packages would constantly arrive at our house: elaborate board games with miniature characters and dragons, a handcrafted dungeon master screen set, collectible books, computer parts, and Lego sets. 

At the end of our relationship, I counted fifteen Harry Potter Lego sets and our biggest closet was filled with numerous other sets.

Broken Promises

He broke countless promises to me over the years.

For instance, when he bought a new car, he insisted on keeping the old one temporarily, claiming he could trade it in at another dealership for a better deal. 

Three years later, the car was still sitting in our driveway, neglected but still costing us money on auto insurance. 

Hoping to manage our finances wisely, I pointed out how impractical this was and tried to discuss a plan to get rid of the car. 

But he refused to engage, offering no response at all.

This pattern extended to home improvement projects as well. 

He would buy supplies, start a project, and then lose interest, leaving it unfinished. 

When I took stock, I discovered more than twenty abandoned projects of varying sizes, all waiting to be completed.

The Breaking Point

Things came to a head over a home improvement project. 

When we replaced our windows, it made our air conditioning units unusable. 

He mentioned doing some preliminary work to address the air conditioning but never followed through. 

In February, I suggested getting a quote from a professional company, but he refused to even entertain the idea. 

Instead, he was dismissive and vaguely insisted that air conditioning would happen, claiming other tasks needed to be done first.

By the first 80-degree day in late April, no progress had been made toward addressing the air conditioning issue. 

To make it bearable, he bought a small unit meant for an apartment, which was barely sufficient for sleeping and working from home. 

That summer, our energy bills skyrocketed, and I was left feeling constantly uncomfortable. 

Meanwhile, my husband chose to focus his time and energy on planning an elaborate hydroponic garden, spending hours on the project and purchasing a variety of supplies.

Reclaiming My Life

My family fully supported my decision to separate from my husband. 

Over the past year, I’ve moved into my own apartment, started taking Latin dance classes, and explored making stir fries in a wok. 

For the first time, I had the freedom to research and choose a coffee maker with the features I wanted – no longer forced to conform to what my husband thought was best.

Through Facebook, I met another male divorcee, and we spent two months getting to know each other, before we decided to date each other. 

I enjoy driving my car with him in the passenger’s seat – something I never wanted to do for my critical ex-husband. 

I’ve had opportunities to take the lead in planning dates and taught him how to pick apples and chop vegetables – refreshing after feeling like I didn’t have anything to contribute to the relationship for years.

When I look at pictures from when I was married, I hardly recognize the person I used to be. I’ve reclaimed the most authentic parts of myself.

The future is uncertain, but I feel confident in my ability to face whatever comes next.

How The MEND Project Helped Me

The MEND Project helped me to gain the vocabulary to accurately describe my experiences. I took the workshop on ‘how to date after being in an abusive relationship,’ and that was really great information and very helpful.