Understanding Trauma Bonding: What It Is and How to Break Free

When abuse is present in a relationship, a trauma bond can form, making it difficult, and seemingly impossible, to stay or leave the harmful relationship.

Trauma bonding can occur in romantic partnerships, friendships, and other intimate relationships.

In adult relationships, trauma bonds often perpetuate early childhood trauma from disrupted attachment styles with primary caregivers, creating unhealthy patterns that persist into adulthood.

In this article, we will:

Let’s get started.

What is Trauma Bonding?

As the phrase indicates, a trauma bond is a bond or connection between two people where one is an abusive person and the other is the target of their abuse.

Trauma bonding occurs when the victim has a psychological response to abuse, which develops into a deep sense of empathy, sympathy, and affection for their abuser.

People who experience childhood trauma bonds and unresolved early attachment disruption are highly susceptible to forming trauma bonds in adult relationships where abuse occurs.

A Trauma Bond is a Negative Bond

Some people mistakenly think that a trauma bond refers to a positive connection formed through shared past traumas. However, this is not the case.

A trauma bond occurs in abusive relationships and involves the reinforcement of unhealthy patterns from past trauma.

These bonds are characterized by dysfunctional attachments perpetuated within the current relationship rather than healthy connections formed from shared experiences.

It’s Destructive

Trauma bonds can be hugely destructive.

Abusers will use subtle forms of manipulation to make the victim believe they need the abuser’s care and validation to feel complete.

The victim then becomes highly dependent on the abusive relationship—whether it’s with family, a romantic partner, a friend, or in a work setting. This dependency can become so intense that the victim is willing to overlook the harmful phases of the relationship, which prevents the development of a healthy, loving emotional connection.

They can become fixated on the occasional positive interaction, hoping to experience more of them despite the relationship's overall destructive nature.

It’s Not Co-Dependency

A trauma-bonded victim is not the same as one who is codependent, although both can exist in the same relationship.

A co-dependent person believes that the abusive person relies on them for care and support, prioritizing the abuser’s needs over their own. Codependency enables the abuser’s unhealthy power and control to continue. Whereas a trauma-bonded victim is addicted to the relationship and sees the abuser’s loving actions, regardless of the harm the abusive person causes.

Trauma bonds do not take place in every abusive situation. Though, once they are formed, they are very hard to break.

In a trauma-bonded relationship, it’s impossible to understand why you keep going back to the abusive person. And it’s impossible to imagine living without them.

The confusion for the person experiencing trauma bonding combined with the incredible pull to the relationship makes the one being harmed feel as if the bond is true love – but it’s not.

Trauma-bonded individuals often experience cognitive dissonance, where there is a significant disconnect between the actual harmful behavior in the relationship and their ability to recognize and understand it.

What Makes Trauma Bonding So Powerful?

There is an intrinsic human need for secure attachment and a sense of emotional intimacy and safety with people we perceive to be partners, caregivers, protectors, supporters, or defenders.

Our first attachments are formed with our primary caregivers. Healthy attachments during childhood foster secure relationships and connections characterized by open, safe, and supportive love that encourages personal growth and independence.

When early childhood attachment is disrupted or inconsistent, we become attracted to similar, unhealthy attachments as adults.

We develop a strong need to stay with anyone, even an abuser, who presents themselves as a caretaker, comforter, or protector.

The trauma bond cycle creates a repetitive interruption of any positive attachment, leaving the victim craving and desperate to return to those positive feelings, notwithstanding the destructive patterns of maltreatment.

The Illusion of Love

A trauma-bonded victim often confuses the craving for positive feelings of love with genuine love, emotional support, and safety.

This confusion allows the trauma bond to strengthen within the abusive cycle.

Their fixation on the positive moments blinds them to or makes them willing to tolerate the abuse, often minimizing its significance.

They may interpret the abuser’s false promises or intermittent affection as real love, making it nearly impossible to differentiate true love from an abusive situation.

That said, a trauma bond is not love.

The frequent disruption of positive interactions prevents the development of healthy, mutual love.

More Than Just Emotional Attachment

A trauma bond is not only an emotional attachment; it’s akin to an addiction.

When someone experiences trauma from a romantic partner, their brain releases chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin, which contribute to the formation of trauma bonds and tax mental health.

Oxytocin, in particular, is highly responsive to social interactions and can cause emotional dysregulation, anxiety, and addiction when present at high levels.

This chemical response explains why victims become physically addicted to the abusive relationship.

They crave the "high" from oxytocin release during the positive phases of the cycle.

Similar to drug addiction, victims may excuse, hide, or lie about the abuse to avoid confrontation and discourage others from urging them to leave the relationship.

Now that you understand what trauma bonding is and why it’s so powerful let’s take a look at the seven stages of a trauma bond.

The Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding

When unhealthy emotional attachments are developed during youth, they repeat themselves in other relationships over time, creating revictimization and regular relationship dysfunction.

In the seven stages, the abuser intermittently reinforces the positive and the negative, keeping the victim perpetually off guard. The victim loses perspective to see the toxicity in the relationship, instead remaining in a state of intense confusion.

The seven stages of trauma bonding are:

1. Love Bombing
2. Developing Trust and Dependence
3. Criticism
4. Gaslighting
5. Resigning to Control
6. Loss of Self
7. Addiction to the Cycle

Let’s have a deeper look at each stage:

Stage 1: Love Bombing

Love bombing is the most essential step that enables the abuser to entice their partner into a trauma bond.

In love bombing, the abuser lavishes the other person with attention, affection, or flattery, often filling an internal void in the victim who has been longing for true love and positive reinforcement.

Usually, the relationship progresses quickly during this phase when the abuser identifies you as their soulmate or professes their desire to be with you forever.

Manipulation Masquerading as True Love

The victim is enamored, believing they have found true love. Love bombing fills a void the victim has been desperate to fill – possibly their entire life – due to early attachment disruption.

The positive reinforcement feels really good.

The victim will spend the rest of the relationship desperately longing to re-experience the feelings and chemical release from this phase.

In reality, the abuser is setting themselves apart from all others in the victim’s eyes, making them believe they are the only ones who will love them, protect them, and nurture them, compelling the victim to let their guard down and fall prey to the abuser’s manipulations.

The victim begins to trust the abuser’s intentions and feel safe. They have a need to believe the love is true.

Recognizing Early Warning Signs in a Relationship

In the initial stages of a relationship, the abuser’s true nature may not yet be apparent, making it difficult for the victim to identify immediate dangers and red flags.

Be cautious if the adoration seems unusually swift and intense.

If your partner’s affection is “over the top,” such as surprising you with an extravagant trip early on instead of more modest gestures appropriate to your stage in the relationship, take note.

You are wise to slow things down. A healthy, lasting relationship is not built in a month; it requires time to develop.

Stage 2: Developing Trust and Dependence

After showering you with flattery, gifts, and attention, the abuser works to deepen your trust and increase your dependence on them.

Promises They Won’t Fulfill

They may propose moving in together, setting a wedding date, or making grand promises, echoing the dreamy ideas from the love bombing phase.

These promises are designed to be compelling, flattering, and endearing, creating a sense of security and commitment.

In a friendship, trauma bonding manifests through declarations of "friends forever" and "best friends," making you feel completely loved and accepted until later stages reveal the underlying issues.

Provoking Doubt

Alternatively, the abuser might provoke you into questioning their behavior, and then they may make you feel guilty for questioning them after all they did during the love bombing phase.

This guilt and regret can make you more accommodating, as the fear of losing the attachment drives you to second-guess yourself and overcompensate in the relationship.

Before you know it:

The Trauma Bond Forms

When you find yourself craving their love, validation, and acceptance, it signals the development of a trauma bond—or an addiction to the relationship.

At this point, the abuser demands unwavering trust and uses the love bombing phase as a constant reminder to reinforce their control. This process cements the trauma bond, making you increasingly dependent on the relationship.

Stage 3: Criticism

Once the honeymoon phase fades, no matter what you do, it feels insufficient.

The abuser responds to your expressions of sadness, disappointment, or concern by shifting blame onto you.

They may start to demean your qualities, criticize your values, or make you feel like you are the problem.

The sudden change in treatment starkly contrasts the love bombing and trust-building phases, leading you to believe that you must have done something wrong to provoke such a shift. This self-blame causes you to repeatedly apologize for things that aren’t your fault, hoping to avoid further abuse and restore the relationship.

At first, it seems to work. The abuser may reluctantly forgive you and convince you that their actions are meant to help rather than harm.

This brief positive shift leads you to believe you can trust and depend on them, falsely hoping the abuse will stop. However, the cycle of abuse will likely continue.

The deception from earlier phases makes it hard to see that the abuser is the problem. After all, they love you, don’t they?

Stage 4: Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the most common forms of psychological abuse.

Gaslighting is a covert tactic aimed at making the victim question their own reality, perception, or sanity.

Gaslighting can include false accusations and inventing false narratives that are the victim’s fault, lying and saying anything to make the victim feel they are going crazy, blame-shifting, etc.

Over time, the gaslit victim believes they are the ones who need help, not the abuser.

Likely, the victim is accustomed to gaslighting from their early years, making them automatically internalize it.

In this way, gaslighting moves well beyond criticism and into the world of fiction.

As soon as the victim demonstrates worry or concern for their own well-being, their partner plays nurturer, possibly recommending counseling or expressing concern that the victim is not emotionally well.

This satisfies the victim’s need to believe the abuser truly cares, and they mistake the abusive tactics for love.

Stage 5: Resigning to Control

Left completely depleted by the gaslighting phase, the victim begins to shut down, possibly dissociating.

With nowhere to turn and no idea how to address the conflict, they submit to their partner’s control to avoid future conflict. The victim becomes an expert at people-pleasing to try to manage the relationship.

The level of confusion for the victim is at an all-time high.

They might have a sixth sense they are being manipulated, but the extraordinary confusion they feel dims their cognitive senses and deters them from taking concrete steps to end the relationship.

The balance is tipped in favor of self-blame and self-doubt: “If only I could do better” or “Maybe if I try harder.”

The victim works much harder in the relationship, making tremendous efforts to improve communication and maintain the relationship at all costs.

Stage 6: Loss of Self

This is the abuser’s ultimate goal: to drive the victim to the point of losing their and sense of self and self-worth.

Over time, with the continual barrage of emotional abuse tactics, the victim surrenders their own boundaries to the abuser, which erodes their sense of self and makes it nearly impossible to form transparent and meaningful connections with others. This ultimately leads to increased isolation.

They may experience a loss of confidence and experience shame, and feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and depression. At this point, the relationship becomes the only attachment they feel they have, making it hard to envision leaving.

Even after many months, years, or decades, the victim may eventually recognize the abuse, but the trauma bond is so deeply established that leaving is almost unthinkable.

Stage 7: Addiction to the Cycle

Trauma bonds are powerful because they are rooted in the victim’s desperate need for a safe and secure attachment.

At stage 7, the target becomes addicted to the relationship cycle.

The focus on resuming attachment, love bombing, trust, and dependency becomes so intense that the victim doesn’t see the relationship as destructive.

The abuser uses withholding to deprive their partner of the feeling of attachment and relationship, which increases their desperation for earlier phases.

The victim will try anything to win back their partner’s affection. They will accept crumbs of affection, starting the cycle all over again.

The possibility of returning to a positive phase makes the victim believe their abuser truly loves them. It reinforces their self-blame as they hope for a better future.

Their hopes are repeatedly dashed, leaving the victim longing even more for a sense of secure attachment.

As noted earlier, all of this is compounded by the neurotransmitters released by the victim’s brain, which create a physical addiction to the relationship.

The trauma bond becomes cemented, and it’s incredibly difficult to break or disrupt the bond.

But there is hope!

Before we discuss strategies for breaking free from a trauma bond, let’s dig a little deeper and learn more about the profound effects a trauma bond has on victims, including the link to post-traumatic stress disorder.

The Link Between Trauma Bonds and PTSD

Trauma-bonding relationships can have profound adverse effects, including the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or, in prolonged cases, complex PTSD, a more challenging form of PTSD to address.

PTSD symptoms can heighten a victim’s desperation to maintain the relationship.

Here’s why.

In adult relationships marked by trauma bonding, individuals often have a history of disrupted attachment through cycles of intermittent positive and negative interactions in early relationships, coupled with unresolved PTSD.

When these individuals are trauma-bonded to an abusive partner, their fear of leaving can escalate, especially if they already suffer from PTSD stemming from childhood.

Existing PTSD amplifies the need for the abuser or partner to soothe their emotional wounds, making the decision to leave even more confusing and overwhelming. This can lead to:

• Panic attacks
• Fluctuating heart rates
• Nausea

And other physical symptoms.

The presence of PTSD from earlier experiences makes it even harder to break free from the bond.

PTSD also fosters distrust of others and suspicion towards anyone who questions the relationship or the abuser’s love.

Any suggestion to leave the abusive situation can trigger additional trauma, as the victim may believe they desperately need the relationship.

Consequently, the victim may isolate themselves from those who do not fully support the relationship, often protecting the abuser’s reputation and the relationship itself at all costs.

For those who believe they are currently in a trauma bond or who feel they are susceptible to forming one, it is helpful to identify the warning signs.

The Warning Signs of a Trauma Bond

What are the signs of trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding signs include:

• Being willing to overlook the abuse in order to re-experience love bombing
• Covering up or minimizing the abuse by making excuses for the abuser’s behavior
• Lying to others about the abuse
• Being unable to fathom leaving the relationship - the thought makes you feel sick
• Adopting the abuser’s perceptions about the relationship as your own
• Hyper-focusing on the abuser’s every want or need
• An overly deep sense of gratitude for even the smallest acts of kindness from the abuser
• An intense emotional bond with the abuser
• Profound confusion and/or believing you deserve criticism or abusive treatment
• Appeasing your partner in ways that conflict with your own values
• Accepting and agreeing with the perpetrator’s point of view
• Calling anyone who encourages you to leave the abuser an “enemy”

When trying to identify a trauma bond, it’s helpful to analyze your relationship and compare it to the signs and symptoms listed above.

The following examples of trauma-bonded relationships, whether friendship or romance, can also be helpful.

Examples of Trauma Bonds in Relationships

There are many examples of trauma bonding in different kinds of relationships.

Let’s consider what a friendship trauma bond can look like:

Examples of a Trauma Bond in a Friendship

Maile and Sarah met in the dorms and became immediate, inseparable friends. Maile wanted to do everything with Sarah. They laughed, did fun activities, and shared their deepest secrets.

Within days, Maile knew everything about Sarah, more than anyone ever had or seemed interested in learning.

Sarah felt so good inside because of her new best friend, Maile. They talked about becoming housemates and traveling through Europe together, best friends forever.

But suddenly, Maile didn’t call Sarah back when they were supposed to grab coffee together. She ghosted her for a few days. When Sarah confronted her, Maile became angry. How could Sarah question her after what a good friend Maile had been to her? Sarah felt bad and apologized, believing she was being stupid for questioning Maile.

Soon, Maile begins criticizing Sarah. She’s too tall, has big legs, and tells her how weird other people think she is. Maile makes Sarah believe others don’t like Sarah. Maile laughs at Sarah because she says Sarah isn’t very smart.

Suddenly, Maile stonewalls Sarah for a few weeks. Sarah can’t fathom what she did wrong and becomes obsessed about becoming close again. It hurts. Her whole focus is on returning the relationship to where it started.

She has no friends and doesn’t feel safe with anyone. When others tell her Maile is not a good friend, Sarah shuts them out because she can’t believe Maile doesn’t love her. She feels sick inside without her best friend and will do anything to get her back.

Sarah has become trauma-bonded to Maile.

Examples of Trauma Bonding in Romantic Relationships

Nora met Philip when she was studying in a Paris cafe. He pursued her immediately by buying her coffee and asking her to sit with him. Within the first hour, he told her how beautiful she was and that if they hung out much longer, he would fall head over heels in love with her. She thought it was odd, but it felt good.

He kept pursuing her and they quickly began a heavy romance. He picked flowers for her whenever he saw them, held her hand anytime they were together, complimented her often, and sent her texts and called her several times throughout the day.

This went on for weeks, with him asking if she’d ever consider marrying him. He promised her a future together.

One day, when she ran into him on the street, he was talking to another woman, and she questioned him. He seemed upset that she would think he’d do anything to hurt her after all he had done for her. He had tears in his eyes, making her feel bad about questioning him. What was she thinking?

They were soon engaged, and that’s when the mask fell off.

He told her to be careful what she ate because he wouldn’t want to be with her if she was fat. He criticized her job, her makeup, and her hair. It wouldn’t stop, and she couldn’t figure it out. Suddenly, he seemed uninterested in her.

Since he asked her to marry him, she knew he loved her. So, her only explanation for the sudden shift is that she had done something wrong.

Over time, he barely pays attention to her, and she feels she is going crazy and craving the old love back. To appease her and bond her to him, he takes her on a romantic weekend, reconnecting her to positive feelings so she’ll “forget” the poor treatment.

It’s more important to her to have these moments than to focus on the red flags and emotional pain the relationship was causing her.

Nora has become trauma-bonded to Philip.

Do these examples feel familiar to you?

If you are currently in a trauma-bonded relationship or feel your relationship is heading in that direction, we want to remind you that there is always hope.

Even if you are currently experiencing a trauma-bonded relationship, you can break free!

The following are several practical strategies for disrupting the bond and reclaiming your freedom.

Let’s take a look:

How to Break Free from a Trauma Bond: Strategies for Reclaiming Your Life

We know how hard it is to break trauma bonds. It is exceedingly difficult. But it’s not impossible.

Below are some practical strategies.

Educate Yourself

The foremost way to break free from a trauma bond or any abusive relationship is to educate yourself. We cannot state it enough: the more you learn and understand, the more clarity you will have.

Start by:

• Listening to podcasts
• Taking classes
• Joining support groups
• Reading books, articles, or blogs on trauma bonding, childhood attachment trauma, and covert emotional abuse

Click here to enroll in our survivor course, which offers clarity and support.

The more you learn, the more aware you will become about the reality of your attachment to your relationship and partner.

Evaluate Your Relationship

Take a pause from working on yourself. The victim with a trauma bond to an abusive relationship often misses what is really going on in the relationship. Pause to notice and evaluate the reality of your circumstances.

Seek Clarity

Consider how your partner treats you. Recognize that the negative, destructive, hurtful behavior that happens is abuse. As you compare these behaviors to the signs and stages of a trauma bond listed above, you will be able to see the specific destructive behaviors they use, which are causing harm, confusion, and eroding self-love.

Go Deeper

Once you clarify the types of toxic behaviors you face in your relationship, go deeper in your knowledge about how your abuser will use manipulative patterns in complex ways that are possibly unique to your relationship.

Take the time to see and unpack these things. Begin writing in a journal to document how each conflict plays out. Writing it out can help you stop gaslighting yourself and see confusing things more accurately.

Pay Attention to Yourself

When you focus on what is actually happening in the present, pay attention to how it makes you feel: your emotions, your body, and your thoughts. Note these in your journal as well.

Identify and Stop Magical Thinking

Magical thinking is when someone continues to hold on to the hope that love will happen soon, things will get better, and bad things won’t happen “if I change.”

The victim focuses on the “what if” as if it is reality. There is a cognitive dissonance between reality and what is actually happening.

Victims who are stuck within a trauma bond have a very hard time stepping out of the fantasy of what they hope will be.

It’s wise to try to focus on what is happening today, not on what could be.

Caution Against Going Cold Turkey

It’s not advisable to take an “all or nothing” approach to breaking a trauma bond. Take small steps, one at a time. Small steps allow you to gain strength and courage to take the bigger steps you’ll eventually need to take.

Seek Professional Help

It’s so important to address early childhood trauma as well as adult trauma with a specialist who can help you identify and reform some of the coping and attachment mechanisms keeping you in unhealthy relationship cycles.

Get a therapist who is trained and experienced in helping victims of abuse, PTSD, and trauma bonds. There are specific questions to ask that can help you identify the right therapist for your situation. Our article on finding a trauma-informed therapist provides strategies and best practices.

Find Community

Perhaps join a support group or find a few friends you can trust who will help you remain focused on your healing. You may not have considered it before, but you will begin to recognize that you are not alone and there are others who understand and can help keep you strong.

Hold onto hope!

Trauma Bonding Recovery

In addition to the above strategies, which can help you break free from the bond, here are some more thoughts to help you in the recovery phase:

1. Have Patience. Healing is a journey that isn’t always easy, but it’s always a worthy investment of your time and energy. You can’t and won’t attain perfection, and results won’t happen overnight. It’s a process and a journey that takes time, so be patient with yourself.
2. Self-love. A lack of self-love is one of the core reasons one chooses and stays with someone who is causing them harm. Positive self-talk and self-assessment are essential to self-love recovery and self-restoration.
3. Self-Compassion. This can feel strange at first, but having the same compassion with yourself that you show others is healthy. You’re human and will need to practice a lot of self-compassion and self-forgiveness throughout your life.
4. Self-Care. If you see negative traits coming out in yourself, take a deep breath and remember you have been through a lot. You deserve your own positive attention and care. Take time to think about the choices you are making.
5. Grieve. Too many victims and those helping them overly focus on getting to the next stage of healing and miss the power of grieving well. The MEND Project’s Healing Model of Compassion lists “grieve” as one of the critical steps for responding to abuse. There is a lot to grieve. Doing it well honors your journey and life’s healing path.
6. Find Support. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.SAFE) or connect with your local domestic violence agency to get help. There are also intimate partner violence support groups you can find online or in person and online therapy services specializing in trauma-informed care.

Conclusion

Trauma bonds are real, and they can be incredibly challenging to break. That said, they do not define your future! Understanding these bonds' nature and stages is a great clarifying step in your healing journey.

Even in emotional turmoil, there is hope and support available.

By educating yourself, seeking professional help, and connecting with a supportive community, you can disrupt the cycle of trauma bonding and reclaim your sense of self.

Your journey to freedom and healing is possible, one sweet step at a time.