13 Overlooked Reasons Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

If you have witnessed a friend or family member in an abusive relationship, you likely were concerned for their safety and maybe even their life as a whole.

It’s very hard to watch a woman you love stay with a man who is harming them. You may feel compelled to say something, yet no matter what you say or do, they remain in an abusive relationship.

Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

In this article, we will:

Let’s consider why it’s so common for women to stay.

The Difficult-to-Break Cycle

Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

It's difficult to understand the impact of coercive control and the barriers female victims face when they find themselves in an abusive relationship. They instinctively know that leaving could be a dangerous possibility.

In most relationships where abuse is present, women progressively feel more stuck as they go through this cycle in their relationship:

1. Tension Building
2. An Incident of Violence
3. Reconciliation
4. Calm

Each of these four stages impacts the woman’s decision-making process as the relationship progresses, often keeping her in place. Learning the cycle of abuse helps us understand the difficulty many victims have when considering leaving.

Let’s have a look at the stages below:

1. Tension Building

In the tension-building stage, the abusive partner shows regular bouts of frustration and anger directed at the victim. The tension builds, and as it does, the victim becomes hyper-vigilant and over-focused on their abusive partner. The one being harmed will do anything to prevent blow-ups, raging, or other forms of domestic abuse. They work hard to avoid or appease their abuser and to keep peace in the marriage.
The victim often can’t pinpoint why they are doing this or the source of tension but they feel foreboding, like the calm before the storm. This increases in severity the more the full cycle repeats itself over time. She becomes increasingly anxious and afraid for the next stage she knows will inevitably come.

2. Incidents of Violence

The tension eventually erupts into violent incidents in the next stage of the cycle. This is the most dangerous time for the victim, especially when there is physical violence, which escalates in intensity over time. If this were a stand-alone stage, it’s possibly enough to make someone leave. However, abusive relationships contain patterns and cycles that work to manipulate and control the victim through confusion, fear, and intimidation.

It’s important not to assume that abusive relationships include physical or sexual assault. Psychological aggression is also considered violent.

Psychological Incidents of Violence

In psychologically abusive relationships, this phase includes overt and covert psychologically coercive behaviors intended to diminish, dominate, and control the victim - such as lying, minimizing, threats, catastrophizing, withholding, etc.

Through repeated threats of physical or sexual violence intended to cause fear in the victim, the abuser solidifies their control. Threats are designed to convince the victim her abuser is willing and capable of following through with them. This fear impacts her sense of whether or not she can leave safely.

3. Reconciliation

The reconciliation stage is when the abuser either does everything they can to reestablish a connection with the victim - who is desperate for connection - or they blame the victim. The abuser may apologize, buy gifts, promise to change, or do anything to win back trust and affection. Or they may gaslight the victim until she believes the abuse is her fault.

Over time, the woman develops low self-esteem and begins to believe his lies that she is the problem in the relationship. All of these things work together to create her dependency on the abuser and her willingness to do anything to please him. Her mate may lead her to believe momentarily that her efforts make a difference, so she will regain hope and stay.

4. Calm

Ah, the peace and calm that happens during this phase. This is when the victim believes things might change. This reprieve creates an opportunity to forget about the tensions and issues in the relationship and erase the past, even if only for a moment. This false sense of peace and calm is how the perpetrator solidifies the trauma bond with the victim, binding her to the relationship.

Several Other Common Reasons Women Don’t Leave

1. The Abuse Cycle Creates a Trauma Bond That’s Hard to Escape

Trauma bonds are intense emotional attachments between victims and their abusers. There are complex abusive behaviors and control tactics, along with feelings of love, admiration, and gratitude the victim has for their abusive partner.

The abuse cycle, with its stages of tension and violence followed by positive reinforcement, forges a trauma bond that makes it very hard to leave the relationship. The back and forth between abuse and affection reinforces the victim’s attachment to and dependence on the abuser. The more this cycle perpetuates the more violence increases over time.

2. Fear For Their or Their Children’s Lives

Tactics of control and dominance within abusive relationships are designed to make the woman stay.

Staying becomes a matter of safety. Once they decide to leave permanently, the abuser may resort to lethal measures of punishment over her departure. 

Over 70% of victims who are murdered by their abusers are killed after they leave the abusive relationship.

Her instinct is there to protect her from what she instinctively knows.

By staying, she is choosing her life over death.

If there are children in the home, many abusers will threaten to hurt the children if the kids' mom leaves or seeks full custody in a future divorce proceeding - this is another attempt to assert dominance, power, and control. The reasonable and real fear of losing custody or her children being harmed compels a mom to stay.

3. She Doesn’t Realize She’s Being Abused.

“I knew something wasn’t right, and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t know I was being abused.”

We hear this often. This is particularly true when hidden forms of abuse, such as covert emotional abuse, are used to manipulate and maintain control over the victim.

Recurring covert or overt abuse creates a constant state of stressful confusion for the one being harmed. Over time, her mind and body become significantly compromised, making it hard to put two and two together. When women are unable to recognize the abuse they are facing, it’s nearly impossible to get out of this state of confusion. They cannot effectively discern or respond to what is happening. That’s why clarity is the first necessary step to healing.

When It’s Difficult to Describe What is Happening

Without words to accurately describe their circumstances to others, people helpers such as doctors, therapists, and other responders might not intervene with proper protocols for abuse or PTSD.

When they don’t know they’re being abused, women begin believing they are the problem; they are causing conflict in their relationship. They may think that if only they weren't so depressed, sick, confused, afraid, or anxious, then their partner wouldn't be getting so angry with them. Their abuser happily encourages this false narrative, placing all of the burden for the abuse onto the victim. Yet, the reason for her “problems” is the abuse. It’s not her fault, and she does not yet realize it because she doesn’t know she’s being abused.

4. No One Will Believe Her

By the time a victim is at the place where she is considering leaving, she is likely to be isolated and cut off from her family and community by her abuser. Abusers are active in image management within their community, promoting their own image while tarnishing the victim’s image. They hope others will see her as unstable or volatile.

Abusers often start smear campaigns against their partners at their children’s school, in the workplace, in the neighborhood, and with their families and the victim's relatives to get others to align with them.

The Reality of Double Abuse

When the woman reaches out for help to friends, family, or other outsiders, they may shun her, ostracize her, blame her, pressure her to remain, or respond in various other ways that cause additional harm.

Here at MEND, we call any harmful response or action toward the victim Double Abuse.

Unfortunately, outsiders are too willing to believe the abuser, which only reinforces the abuse and emboldens him. The most important thing friends and families can do is to confront the abuser at the right time, not side with them.

5. Finances

Financial abuse is common, and it is present in nearly all domestic violence cases. Abusers slowly and methodically exercise increasing control over the finances. The decision to leave doesn’t seem like a viable option, as she can’t imagine how she will support herself, and her children if she has them. A home, food, a car, and meeting all the financial needs feels nearly impossible.

You can learn more about Financial Abuse HERE.

6. She’s Holding Onto Hope

She remembers the seemingly sincere apologies, the stages of peace and calm, and the love bombing. She believes that if she continues to try harder, maybe things will get better. She likely doesn’t realize they won’t. Yet, she is holding onto hope. And to her and her friends, that seems like a valiant, wifely (even righteous) thing to do.

Women are wrong to believe they can change an abusive partner. Only the abuser can take the steps necessary to change his or her faulty mindset and abusive behavior patterns.

7. Because She Believes Staying is Better for Her Children.

“I thought my children needed their father.” We know, beyond any doubt, that living in a home where there is domestic violence - including the hidden forms of emotional and psychological abuse - is harmful for children and has a strong negative impact on their ability to engage and succeed well into their adult years.

Typically, staying is not better for the woman or the children.

8. Their Religious Beliefs

Many faiths prioritize the institution of marriage above and beyond the safety of the individuals within the relationship. They pressure and guilt victims to remain in abusive relationships.

Defying the pressure of their faith community by leaving the relationship may seem too big of a step for the victim, who already is unsure about what she should do.

The victim may also have been taught that divorce is against the tenets of their faith unless their spouse cheats on them. Infidelity is the most common reason religion allow divorce. The victim might not realize that violence, even in it’s overt forms, is a sufficient and faith-based ground for divorcing.

9. Love

How can women still love their abuser after being abused?

Many women stay because they love their partner. They have seen a good side and believe there can be healing. Often they think giving their love can help change their abuser, and through patience and grace, the abuser might change. When you love the person harming you, it makes deciding to leave very hard.

Know These Statistics

• Recent statistics issued by the National Domestic Violence Hotline estimate more than 12 million people per year are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by a family member or an intimate partner.
• 1 in 4 women 18 years or older have been victims of severe physical violence by their partner, with almost half of all adults experiencing psychological aggression or emotional abuse by an intimate partner.
• Many choose to stay in abusive relationships because they don't know how to leave safely. For the many survivors who do leave, research shows they will return to their abuser 6.3 times on average before leaving permanently, according to a survey conducted by DomesticShelters.org.

What can be done to help victims?

As a responder, it’s essential to provide a non-judgmental, compassionate listening ear and an open heart. Create a safe place to share their concerns and stories. Listen and validate their experience no matter what facts you believe are true. See MEND’s Healing Model of Compassion as a guide to help you respond with compassion to victims of abuse.

You can help guide victims to get the expert help and care they need and deserve. Therapists skilled and trained in domestic violence are essential resources for victims. If they want your help, you may even research and locate a therapist who is skilled in properly handling cases of abuse and trauma.

Resources for Victims of Domestic Violence

The most important thing a victim in an abusive relationship can do is to become educated. Join one of MEND's courses for either survivors or responders. If you choose to get counseling or therapy, please make sure the therapist you pick is well-suited for your situation by asking him or her these questions.

As a victim, or responder walking alongside someone who is being harmed, it's wise to develop a safety plan for exiting the home or relationship with a trained DV advocate or therapist. We strongly recommend contacting a local domestic violence agency to help put together a plan for leaving an abusive relationship.