How to Love Yourself After Abuse

Practicing self-love is difficult for many of us, but it can be especially challenging for abuse survivors.

People who have gone through any abuse (whether sexual, emotional, or spiritual) were likely told by their abuser in either spoken or unspoken terms that they were not loved. Hearing this message leaves victims feeling that they are not worthy of love, even self-love.

Even if you realize this message is untrue, you may not be sure how to practice self-love after abuse.

So, this is what we’ll cover in today’s blog post. You’ll learn:

• Why you find it hard to love yourself after the abuse you experienced
• Why it’s especially hard for empaths to love themselves
• Five practical ways to practice healthy self-love
  

Let’s get started.

Why It’s Hard to Love Yourself After Abuse

Abuse victims, such as children or adults in romantic relationships, have either been told lies about themselves or have been led to believe them by the abuser’s actions.

For example, someone in an emotionally abusive relationship may have regularly heard deprecating lies like:

• “You aren’t good enough.”
• “No one else would put up with your behavior.”
• “You’re not smart enough to make it on your own.”
  

Or maybe the abuser communicated toxic messages by continually treating the victim like a second-class citizen as if they didn’t deserve to be treated well.

Sometimes, it’s during the secondary layer of abuse (Double Abuse®) when a survivor attempts to reach out for support that this harmful message is conveyed.

Rather than being believed by their family, friends, church, or professional communities, the victim is:

• doubted
• criticized
• even ostracized
  

Eventually, the victim may begin to believe that they did something to deserve the abuse.

And the unlovable feeling becomes an unintended part of their identity.

To any survivor feeling this way, we want to say that we are sorry for what you’ve gone through.

The abuse you endured is not your fault.

The feelings of shame and self-loathing you may be experiencing are normal for people who have been mistreated.

Abuse is always a choice, and it’s never the victim’s fault.

We are all worthy of love.

Including you.

The Empath’s Struggle

We all long to experience love from others, but none perhaps as much as empaths.

It’s common for abuse victims to be empaths, who are individuals naturally skilled at relating to the mental and emotional state of others.

Lots of abusers are narcissists, who are people that enjoy taking advantage of the type of kindness and accommodation empaths provide.

Empaths tend to be extremely caring and always giving others the benefit of the doubt even when faced with toxic behaviors that continually repeat themselves.

Thus, survivors are often so focused on others that they don’t even realize they are not taking care of and loving themselves.

Whether you are a survivor or an empath and a survivor, we want you to know that it isn’t healthy to doubt your self worth or to offer love to everyone except yourself.

Maybe you’ve been having negative thoughts for so long that you feel as if they are a part of you and you are unable to identify your experience of them or where and why they started.

If that’s you, we encourage you to think about some of your habits.

For example:

• Have you ever thought about harming yourself?
• Have you ever intentionally starved yourself or purged your food on purpose to “look better”?
• Have you ever said “no” to opportunities that you really wanted to say “yes” to, and you weren’t sure why?
  

If you have done or are doing any of these things, it does not mean you are corrupt or broken.

It just means that you’ve been attempting to process the harm that has been done to you.

In fact, these actions and others like it can quickly become the new normal when we don’t have healthy self-love.

But what does healthy self-love look like? And how can you practice it?

Keep reading and we’ll show you:

Five Simple Ways to Practice Healthy Self-Love After Abuse

Self-loving people have good habits in place.

Here are five of them: 

Listen to Your Emotions

It’s normal to become confused, dismissive, or derogatory regarding your own feelings, as that’s what abusers do to their victims.

It will require some practice, but consider pulling out a journal or setting a timer and meditating next time you experience a wave of negative feelings.

Instead of telling yourself something like, “I’m being too dramatic” or “I don’t have a right to feel that way,” try and remember that your thoughts and feelings are important. Take note of them; don’t stuff them away.

It might be uncomfortable, but sitting in those thoughts through activities like journaling and meditation can make it easier to listen to yourself.

Declare Your Goodness

This can be very hard to do when you do not feel like you are good enough or that you don’t “measure up.”

But try it!

Put together a list of things that are great about you (borrow from a friend or family member if you are struggling with creating your own list).

Hang it on a wall or put it in a secret place you will commit to accessing every day. Look at it. Read it.

Then state those positive things aloud every day:

• I am lovable.
• I am powerful.
  
• I am beautiful.
  
• I am compassionate.
  

(Plus anything else positive you can think of or that someone else says about you.)

Remember:

You don’t have to believe they are right or feel the truth of them in the beginning.

Why?

Because brain science tells us that when you state aloud these positive thoughts and expressions, it actually changes your brain and its negative thought cycle.

Feed Your Passions and Explore Your Talents

Dedicating time for yourself and the things that are important to you is another valuable step in learning to take your wants and desires seriously.

There’s no need to worry about being “good enough” or wonder about what others might think of you.

This is a step for yourself.

Enjoy the process as well as the results so you can build opportunities for healthy social interactions.

Follow Your Gut

This is a hard one, but it is worth the effort. We can trust our bodies and our intuition.

Many times, survivors will admit that they had a gut instinct that was spot on – but they failed to honor it and ignoring it led to disaster.

Often, we are influenced by others to go against what we feel, but this is not a good habit to develop.

Everything will not happen as you imagined every time. But choosing to say “no” to people when your gut tells you that you are already over-committed is an essential part of self-love.

Similarly, saying “yes” to activities when you’ve been in the habit of isolation is another way you can practice loving yourself.

Find Your People

Last but not least:

The journey to self-acceptance is not one that should be walked alone.

While implementing the tips we mentioned is an excellent first step, you cannot heal in isolation.

We encourage you to seek out safe connections and additional support as you undergo this process.

Even if you have been told otherwise countless times, you are allowed to love yourself and to experience the love that people can bring you.

Surround yourself with people, even just one or two, who will keep you accountable to loving yourself.

Conclusion

If you are struggling with self-love, show yourself grace as you embark on this journey.

The ability to have healthy self-love is crucial for successful childhood development as well as for experiencing healthy romantic love.

It is the key to healing from abuse and moving towards wholeness, which is something we at The MEND Project feel you deserve.

We hope you feel empowered on your journey to self-recovery.