THE SUBTLE ABUSE THAT INVALIDATES VICTIMS: MINIMIZATION


Minimization

Are you in a relationship with someone who dismisses, ignores, or downplays your thoughts, feelings, and experiences?

If yes, you may be experiencing a type of abuse called minimization.

In this guide, you’re going to see:

  • How to identify abusive minimization
  • Examples of minimization in a relationship
  • How to deflect minimization
  • Resources for healing

Uncovering the Tactic of Minimization

First, what is minimization?

Minimization is the belittling of another’s perspective with the intent to diminish or criticize what the other values as important, thereby crushing their confidence, creativity, and individuality.

As you read about minimization, you may perceive that it happens frequently.

You may even realize that you minimize others from time to time.

It is important to remember that this doesn’t necessarily mean you are an abuser or that you are in an abusive relationship.

Minimization is not always done as abuse.

For example, a parent comforting their child after a bad dream might say, “It’s just a dream; there’s no need to be afraid.”

The gentle dismissal of the child’s fear shows the parent using minimization with the best intentions. It’s not abusive minimization, even though there are much better ways to respond to their child, which would deepen their sense of safety and security.

When Does Minimization Become Abusive?

Regular minimization in a relationship can cause harm.

It is abusive when minimization is used to intentionally silence the victim, reduce the victim’s self-worth or value, or break down boundaries as a way to maintain power and control over the victim.

Minimizing can also be used as an abusive gaslighting tactic, which may be delivered so subtly that you don’t catch it at first. It’s a way of sending a message that your feelings don’t matter or you are wrong.

Through the dismissal of the victim’s feelings and opinions, the emotional abuser makes their partner feel as if they’re exaggerating their concerns, looking for attention, incapable of solving simple problems, or what they value is lesser in importance.

This can leave victims feeling small, devalued, unseen, and unheard.

As with most forms of covert emotional abuse, its subtle nature allows the harmful behavior to be discounted by onlookers and is not always easy to pinpoint as abuse.

Examples of Minimization in a Relationship

Let’s take a closer look at what minimization looks like in relationships.

As you read through a few stories, note whether you recognize any of the characteristics in these scenarios. The reality is we all have been minimized at some time or another, and if we take a good, hard look at ourselves, we, too, have minimized others in our lives. It’s when minimization becomes a pattern of behavior or is done to reduce the victim that it shifts to abuse.

Scenario 1

With the new year, Claire has decided to focus on her physical health.

She made a personal goal to go to the gym three times a week.

However, with a busy start to the year, this goal became a challenge for her to meet.

A few weeks later, she finally met her goal and excitedly shared her accomplishment with her husband, hoping he would celebrate with her in light of her journey.

But instead, he minimized it, replying:

“Only three times? You should be exercising five to six days a week if you want to be healthy.”

This isn’t the first time her spouse minimized her achievements while raising the bar to a more lofty goal.

Whenever Claire gets a promotion, meets a goal, or tries something new, her husband responds in a way that makes her feel like she does not meet his standards. Her accomplishments fall short of the goal every time, and she feels like a failure.

Scenario 2

Robert is happy with his fiance.

There is only one regular obstacle to their relationship: her family.

Often, her family makes Robert believe they don’t accept him, and he feels like an outsider.

He regularly finds himself fighting his way through a conversation or being the subject of their sarcastic joking. It’s as if he is not even there.

Just the thought of being around them makes Robert extremely anxious.

He has expressed his concerns to his girlfriend many times, only to have her dismiss his feelings and perspective as if she doesn’t believe him or his feelings don’t matter.

Recently, despite Robert’s discomfort, they have spent a lot of time with her family, and it has been stressful and emotionally draining for Robert.

He attempts to advocate for himself by asking her if they could set some boundaries with her family because of how poorly they treat him. But she just replies:

“Don’t be ridiculous. That’s just how my family is. They don’t mean it. Learn to laugh it off.”

What Is The Common Theme in These Scenarios?

Looking at these scenarios, we can see the covert tactic of minimization woven throughout.

It showed up in different ways. Still, the common theme in both situations is the abuser belittling the victim’s feelings, self-worth, and value, which ends up compromising the victim’s positive sense of self.

In the first example, Claire’s spouse did not celebrate her accomplishment; instead, he criticized her achievement and added that it was more difficult for him to consider validating her.

This made Claire’s achievement unimportant compared to her spouse’s opinion, making her feel undervalued and insignificant. It happens regularly as a pattern of behavior, making it even more abusive and waning on her personhood.

In the second scenario, Robert’s girlfriend did not take his emotions seriously. She dismissed her family's impact on him and blamed-shifted to turn it back on him. Her message was clear to him: he shouldn’t feel anxiety, and he was not entitled to set boundaries that would address or reduce his apprehension.

The repeated dismissal or judgment of Robert’s feelings elevates his experience from accidental to abusive.

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The ‘Invisibility’ of Minimization

Sometimes, minimization is so covert that victims find themselves experiencing sadness and shame without knowing what triggered those emotions.

And many of us witnessing these scenarios might not realize that covert abuse is taking place.

This may be because minimization is a common experience in general, even outside abusive relationships.

But just because it is commonplace does not make it healthy.

Survivors of minimization learn to undervalue themselves and underrate their successes as not being good enough.

They have learned to keep their thoughts, feelings, successes, and failures to themselves because sharing them with their partner can lead to being put down or criticized and eventually feeling defeated. Their confidence or position in the relationship becomes weakened.

Every Person’s Experience Is Valid

Each of us has valid thoughts and emotions.

A partner, family member, friend, boss, or teacher who minimizes or dismisses what you share, what you are going through, or what you have accomplished could be seeking to invalidate you and make you feel small to magnify their own value.

Sometimes, the person doesn’t want to deal with the presented issue and instead makes you feel unsafe or unheard.

If you are in a situation where you face regular minimization, know that your feelings are valid and should not be taken lightly.

How To Stop Minimization In Its Tracks

In any situation where you face minimization, remember to prioritize your health and safety first.

Listen to your gut before you do anything.

Some abusers can become agitated and worsen their behavior when they are confronted. Or they may respond to the attempt to set boundaries with additional minimizing comments or employ more covert behaviors or even violence.

In those instances, a strong boundary may not be wise.

Taking the time you need to process, gain clarity, and strengthen before taking a stance is wise.

If it is safe to do so, when it happens, you can say something like:

“Stop minimizing what I am telling you.”

This response appropriately names the behavior causing harm and sets a suitable boundary that hopefully makes the abuser back off.

A prudent boundary might be to limit contact with the minimizer as much as possible. If you cannot limit contact, for example, when you have a minor child or are the minor child and your parent is the minimizer, work instead on emotionally detaching from the minimizer and sharing your feelings and experiences with more compassionate, safe people.

Building a community of trustworthy supporters can offset feelings of self-doubt. Surround yourself with people who validate you, listen to you, and care.

To learn more about how to recover from minimization and other forms of emotional abuse, see our page on How to Heal from Emotional Abuse.

Conclusion

Educating ourselves on the various expressions of covert emotional abuse equips us to identify when a relationship is unhealthy as well as to become more empowered advocates for ourselves and others.

Hopefully, by learning about minimizing, what it looks like, and how to deflect it, you will become better equipped to identify when it is happening to you and learn how to stop it.

If, by reading this, you realize a way you minimized someone or unintentionally minimized others in your life, that self-awareness is healthy and good. It’s not too late to apologize and commit to making a change.

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  1. This has been my life and has become intergenerational I am now facing almost no future to speak of and I’ve been alienated from my children.

    1. This is tragic, and I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you and that your children are being affected by it so significantly. I am not sure where you are at with your custody battle, but you might be interested in speaking to someone at Wings for Justice (wingsforjustice.com). They work with parents in custody cases where abuse is an issue. They are well-versed in emotional abuse and work with victims who are trying to maintain custody of their children. I hope our website has been helpful to you. Feel free to reach out to us by email, info@themendproject.com, if you need additional resources.

  2. Although I don’t believe it’s malicious my entire family does this to each other. I recently had a miscarriage and when I told father that the worst of it was over, he asked me what the weather was doing. Twice. After four years of trying to have a baby and then miscarrying it felt incredibly dismissive and incredibly tone deaf. This is just one example of decades of this sort of behavior specifically from my father but my whole family as well labels me as overly sensitive and over reacting. Meanwhile my husband of 15 years and I get along great and never have these issues. I feel seen and heard by him and never have a reason to be reactive. After the miscarriage I distanced myself from my parents and siblings and have been much happier not constantly trying to get them to treat me better. It has been sad. But it has also been a relief to not have to deal with all that reactive abuse too cause it was exhausting trying to get them to understand me.

    1. Kory, We are so glad that you are in a healthy relationship with someone who validates your experiences and emotions. It is so important. Many people minimize and it’s not abusive, but when repeated in a pattern to exercise control, devalue or shut the other person down it is abusive. We are hosting a training for those who are, have been or aren’t sure if they are in an abusive relationship beginning at the end of March. We would love to have you join us. Reach out to us at info@themendproject.com.

  3. Gosh, Amelia, I’m sorry you’ve been through all that you have been through and am grateful you have wrote about it and are in healing. we are grateful our site is brining you clarity and healing.

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