How to Spot a Narcissistic Parent

When a parent chooses to put themselves at the center of attention, forcing everyone and everything to orbit around them, this can be considered narcissism in parenting.It’s painful, difficult, and challenging to navigate, but by discovering key markers that signal a narcissistic parent, you can gain clarity and, eventually, healing.Before we begin, it’s important to understand that most narcissists engage in abusive behavior. On the other hand, not all individuals who are abusive exhibit narcissistic traits. Differentiating between the two is critical to finding the healthiest path forward.In this post, you'll learn about:

• How narcissistic parents demand to be the center of attention, often at the expense of their children.
  
• The role of lies, denial, and manipulation in a narcissistic parent's behavior.
  
• The selfishness and self-absorption that characterize their interactions with family.
  
• Why setting boundaries and seeking apologies can be nearly impossible with a narcissistic parent.

Let’s dive right in.

For example:

• Narcissistic parents make an extraordinary effort to be the center of attention when out in public. This can be through their looks, clothing, car, charisma, or dominating every conversation.
  
• The parent uses the child to draw attention to themselves, highlighting or broadcasting their "excellent" parenting skills.

Examples of the Narcissistic Parent in Action

Here are some ways a narcissistic mother or father may behave in their drive to be the center of attention:

• They always ensure their child is wearing the “perfect” outfit.
  
• They take credit for the child’s accomplishments rather than acknowledging their hard work.
  
• They coach a child’s team to receive personal glory.
  
• They minimize the child's achievements to highlight their own similar or more excellent wins.

Consider this scenario: A child shares an accomplishment they are proud of. The narcissistic parent redirects attention by telling a success story of their own to appear more accomplished than their child. They may “suddenly” remember a time they achieved something similar but present it in a way that elevates their own accomplishment.These efforts aim to redirect attention from the child back to the narcissist, making the child feel they can never measure up to their parent's expectations. According to the narcissist, any of their child’s accomplishments will be attributed to their personal efforts as a parent.

Response to Failure

Another way to recognize a narcissistic parent is how they respond to failures.The narcissistic parent will claim that any failures are because the child neglected to listen to them. They will distance themselves from the child and their failures, even saying they can't explain the shortcomings because they never experienced such failures.Or, the unhealthy parent will scapegoat the child and present them as being a constant problem. If the child doesn’t make the parent look good, the child will be framed as all bad.

A Narcissistic Parent Lies Constantly

Lies are often part of a narcissist’s arsenal to maintain their self-serving narrative. They are used to shift blame, exaggerate circumstances, and alter current or past realities.If reality does not serve the narcissist well, they create a false narrative to maintain the image they desire. It is not uncommon for a narcissist to lie about their history to make it seem like they were better than they were.For example, a narcissist who was an average student may claim they were the valedictorian, or an ordinary employee might boast about being the highest-paid in the company's history.This often leads to another form of lying: denial.

The Use of Denial

This includes statements such as:

• “I never said that.”
  
• “I didn’t promise you that.”
  
• “I never said you could go.”

These statements are common when a narcissistic parent interacts with a child, especially if they are trying to shift the blame for a negative outcome. To a narcissist, the truth is a constantly shifting target bent to fit their insatiable need to appear superior.

Selfishness and Self-Absorption

Selfishness or self-absorption can manifest in various ways. Some narcissistic parents spend every penny on themselves to look good before considering their children's needs.For example, a parent might spend all of the family’s money on a luxury car. In contrast, the family struggles to pay for essentials like groceries or extracurricular activities for the kids. They might buy high-end outfits for themselves while their children wear outdated or outgrown clothing.Narcissistic individuals often focus on “their” career, “their” family, “their” goals, and “their” successes. They often view themselves as the linchpin that makes everything around them function, giving little to no credit to others.They often believe the world revolves around them and express this belief subtly or overtly.

Unreliable, Impossible Standards

No accomplishment is ever good enough for the narcissistic parent. They cut the child down to keep the focus on themselves. They ensure the child remains dependent on them by overly criticizing the child.For example, if their child graduates from college, the narcissist might dismiss it by saying, “You’re never going to be able to do anything worthwhile with that degree.”If it isn’t led and executed by the parent, it will likely not be accepted.

No Respect for Boundaries

The child of a narcissistic parent is often seen as an extension of the parent rather than as an individual. This makes it difficult for a narcissist to recognize or accept their child's reasonable boundaries.Any journal, phone messages, or physical space belonging to the child is considered fair game. The parent assumes the right to always access all parts of the child’s life. The child often has no sense of privacy, whether it's their physical space or relationships.A narcissist's reaction to their child's need for boundaries can vary. When the child tries to set healthy personal boundaries, they may respond with intense anger or statements like “How could you do this after all I’ve done for you?” or “Why are you hiding things from me?” This creates a sense that the narcissist is the victim of their child's boundaries.

The Link Between Narcissism and Abuse

Sometimes, the parent uses emotional abuse tactics, including:

• The silent treatment for extended periods of time
  
• Blaming
  
• Narcissistic gaslighting

In each scenario, the child feels guilty for attempting to have their boundaries respected. As a result, many adult children of narcissists do not understand or even expect healthy relationship boundaries.

Refusal to Apologize

A final sign of a narcissistic parent is their refusal to apologize or accept responsibility for their behavior.The child will always bear the brunt of parental misdeeds or transgressions. Even if the parent offers an apology, it is not genuine. The narcissist will not truly absorb the blame but will shift it onto someone or something else.For example, they might say, “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have had to do that if you weren’t always late.” Their apologies lack accountability or genuine remorse, often turning the parent into the victim.

Conclusion

To summarize, the six signs of a narcissistic parent are:

1. A demand to be the center of attention always
2. A practice of dishonesty and lying, including denial
3. Deep selfishness and self-absorption
4. Unreliable
5. Impossible-to-meet standards
6. An utter disregard for boundaries
7. A refusal to apologize or take responsibility for their behavior

We hope that learning these signs helps you identify whether you or someone you know has a narcissistic parent.Remember, narcissistic personality disorder ("NPD") can only be diagnosed by a trained professional. A person may have narcissistic traits but not have NPD. And, as we stated, narcissists are almost always abusive in one way or another.If you think your parent might be a narcissist and you are experiencing symptoms such as depression, anxiety, low self-worth, or addiction, we encourage you to seek help from a licensed professional trained and experienced in dealing with narcissism, emotional abuse, and trauma.Remember, healing is available. And there is always hope