The terms “narcissist” and “gaslighting” are widely used in our culture, but they are rarely understood. Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that is very destructive, more than many other forms of abuse. It is exceedingly difficult to discern and know how to respond.
In this article, we provide clarity about what narcissistic gaslighting is, its signs, and how it impacts the mental well-being of its victims. We will discuss ways to respond to gaslighting and take a look at some steps you can take to heal and reclaim your voice and identity.
Let’s get started.
What is Narcissistic Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a common emotional abuse tactic designed to make the victim question their own reality, thoughts, memory, and sanity. The one experiencing gaslighting on a recurring basis often develops significant self-doubt and a lower sense of self-worth.
Naricisstic gaslighting is similar to gaslighting, however, a narcissist uses gaslighting for different manipulative purposes.
First, what is a narcissist?
Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a recognized personality disorder in which a person displays at least 5 of the following common traits:
A specially trained professional is the only one who can diagnose people with narcissistic personality disorders. Few narcissists are diagnosed with NPD because they rarely agree they need professional help.
Admitting they need help would directly conflict with the extraordinary sense of superiority and excessive admiration they seek.
For what purpose do narcissists gaslight?
A narcissist uses gaslighting to protect their fragile ego and inflated sense of self-importance. They often deflect when confrontated by their partner regarding their own actions to avoid responsibility, and maintain control or dominance. They may resort to extreme manipulation to ensure their narcissistic needs are met
Some narcissists also derive sadistic pleasure when they witness the impact gaslighting has on their victim and gaslighting becomes almost a sport for these narcissists.
It’s so important for the victim to recognize the signs of gaslighting so they may protect themselves and preserve their mental health.
How can you tell if you are being gaslighted?
Signs A Narcissist is Gaslighting You
Dr. Ramani Durvasula provides relatable, common signs you are being gaslighted: If you have an almost uncontrollable need to record a conversation because you want to play it back for the person to make sure you heard it right, you are being gaslighted.
If that doesn’t convince you, play the recording back to them and see them become extremely angry, even raging because you are calling them out on their behavior and they do not like it.
Notice the gaslighter using the fact that you recorded them to gaslight you further by saying, “See, I told you you were crazy! That you would actually record your own spouse, you’re nuts!”
Some more telltale signs that you are being gaslighted are:
Some narcissistic gaslighting examples are seen in what the abuser says to their victim, such as, “Don’t be so sensitive,” “That never happened.”
They'll even feign compassion, “Are you sure you’re OK?” “I’m worried about you; you seem unwell.”
This makes you doubt your own feelings and sanity.
The Impact on Your Mental Health
Gaslighting develops gradually over time. It is subtle and hard to detect. The abuser may use various covert techniques such as countering, withholding, minimizing, and denial, to shift blame on the victim, dismissing, or scapegoating to gaslight their victims.
Meanwhile, the victim will do anything to return to the love bombing phase when they first fell in love.
The gaslighting narcissist will use any or all of these tactics to obtain the desired outcome from the gaslighting behavior where the victim questions their own sanity rather than correctly identifying that they are being emotionally abused.
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Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor Christine Louis de Canonville from Ireland describes the various stages and escalation of gaslighting as follows:
The Idealization Stage
Also known as the “honeymoon” or love bombing phase, this is when a narcissist is on their best behavior and puts their finest qualities forward, showering their partner with attention, romance, compliments, and gifts. They are fun, engaging, and seemingly deeply interested and invested in the relationship.
During this phase, the victim gets swept up into the fantasy that is being portrayed believing that the euphoria, love, and bond they feel is reciprocal, but it isn’t. When the victim lets their guard down, the narcissist identifies the victim’s strengths and weaknesses helping them transition into the next phase when the gaslighting behavior truly begins.
Victims will work to restore what they thought was a reciprocal love relationship. When they are unsuccessful, the victim blames themselves.
The Devaluation Phase
This is when Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde. Almost overnight, the narcissist changes from a romancer to a cold and uncaring person leaving the victim shocked and confused by the sudden change. To the victim, it’s as if they can do nothing right but in light of their recent past during the honeymoon phase, the victim is certain they can change their own behavior and gain back the narcissist’s attention and admiration.
Loving efforts by the victim are often met with harsh criticism or rejection, denial, the abuser playing the victim, or even cold silence making the victim feel confused, anxious, and devalued. The sudden shift in personality also devastates the victim leaving them highly stressed and depressed. They desperately try to manage and avoid the narcissist’s cruelty by “walking on eggshells” while trying to understand what they did wrong.
Victims will work to restore what they thought was a reciprocal love relationship. When they are unsuccessful, the victim blames themself. The narcissist uses this to validate a higher level of disdain and toxic devaluation of the victim’s self-worth through false accusations and other toxic behavior, which make the victim try harder to please them, thereby feeding their abuser with their required narcissistic supply and empowerment.
The push-pull of this abusive relationship has the abuser treating the victim hatefully, but because the victim is feeding their partner’s narcissism through their extraordinary efforts to please them, the narcissist also gets their own needs met and won’t allow the victim to leave.
The Discarding Phase
By this phase of narcissistic gaslighting, the victim is already dependent on their abuser who has complete disdain for their over-dependence. The onslaught of covert tools used to gaslight the victim during the “devaluation phase” has left the victim questioning their own sanity and experiencing significant self doubt causing them to forgo social or other community situations in exchange for isolation.
The narcissist remains indifferent to the victim’s needs or wishes as if they no longer exist, leaving the victim confused as they desperately try to understand what went wrong. The narcissist bullies the victim by shutting them down with silence resisting any attempt to resolve their conflict. The victim craves any remedy that might return the joy of the “idealization phase.”
Ways to Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Gaslighting
How do you deal with a narcissist gaslighter?
We find that many victims have trouble separating themself from a narcissistic gaslighter because they falsely believe the honeymoon phase was real and will return. This is known as “magical thinking” by the victim who depends on a future or change that will rarely come.
If you feel strong enough to endure your partner’s reactions, confront them on their distortions and lies. Tell them you know what really occurred and you will not be persuaded otherwise or gaslit.
But don’t wait for them to change or expect them to meet your emotional needs. Get help dealing with the harmful symptoms their gaslighting has caused.
How to Start Healing from the Trauma of Narcissistic Gaslighting
If you believe you are being gaslighted, now is the time to get the help you need.
Strengthen yourself by reading, researching and reviewing podcasts or videos regarding covert emotional abuse, narcissism, gaslighting.
Clarity is the first necessary step toward healing. The more you learn, the more clear you will become.
Scour through our website and utilize the resources we provide. Education will raise your awareness and bring you strength.
Importantly, identify a therapist specially trained in narcissistic or covert abuse and trauma and start counseling. A well-trained and experienced therapist can help you confirm your suspicions, set healthy boundaries, and overcome the trauma, anxiety and/or depression you are experiencing.
Reclaiming Your Identity and Voice in the Relationship
It is exceedingly difficult to stand firm in your identity and strong in your individual voice when you are in an intimate relationship with a narcissistic gaslighter. Often, it requires you to physically separate from them for a season during which you can reclaim both identity and voice.
Here are some tips to help you:
Whatever reason they might have for being abusive (bad childhood, extreme stress, addiction, etc.), they are solely responsible for choosing to abuse. Abuse is a choice the narcissist makes and it's never the victim's fault
Remember, it’s not your fault.
It’s nearly impossible for a victim of narcissistic gaslighting to avoid internalizing the downgrading, criticisms, and attacks of the gaslighter which make the victim feel responsible for the narcissistic abuse itself. A victim’s strong inner critic and negative thought cycle are the intended results narcissists seek through gaslighting.
Gain control and start to reverse the self-blame by becoming conscious of the negative internal dialogue. Consciously refute it and stop defining yourself as the reason or cause for their behavior.
Knowing that it’s not your fault is a critical step in your restoration. Each of us deserves to experience empathy and be treated with respect. Whatever reason they might have for being abusive (bad childhood, extreme stress, addiction, etc.), they are solely responsible for choosing to abuse. Abuse is a choice the narcissist makes and it's never the victim's fault Purging your internal critic will empower you and help you to reconnect to your high self-worth.
Create Space from Your Abuser
This can happen in a couple of ways:
Stop reacting.
Easier said than done, right? Right. A victim’s reactions to abuse are often involuntary, impulsive ways their brain tries to protect them from recurring abuse. Many victims are surprised by their own reactions, which might be out of character for them. Professionals call this “reactive abuse”; MEND calls it “reactive defense.”
Although it can be hard to control traumatic reactions, it’s a possible and effective step to take if you can. Natural reactions are hard to control when you're being repeatedly traumatized which is an indicator that you need to take a larger step of physically separating and removing yourself from the abuse in order to regulate your emotions.
It will become easier for you to create a psychological distance once you learn to recognize which gaslighting tactics are being repeatedly used against you. When you recognize your partner is using a gaslighting tactic against you, stop and try to observe their behavior with a mental distance. Remind yourself it’s a tactic that is designed to make you react a certain way. Then, choose not to respond to those tactics.
If you refuse to react, it will help to break the trauma bond. To be successful in creating an emotional space from your abuser, disengage from the abusive cycle and adopt a more realistic view that you cannot expect an abusive partner to meet your emotional needs.
There is a term called "Grey Rock" where the response to abusive manipulation is to give no emotion -like a rock- and simply state the facts. This can be done in a manner that is calm, firm, and civil. Prior to being able to facilitate "Grey Rock," you wil need to identify the patterns of manipulative behaviors that are commonly employed against you so that you are not blindsided.
Take a physical separation from the abuse, if you can.
If stopping your reactions seems too difficult to do, that is okay. It’s not uncommon to find you may need a physical separation from the abusive environment before you are able to separate emotionally from the abuse.
As soon as you create physical distance from abuse, you will slowly restore a healthy emotional balance, which will allow you to strengthen your sense of self. Separation is a firm and effective boundary. This also will allow you to gain clarity. During the time of physical separation, focus on your own needs and emotions to help you heal. Creating a physical separation might create enough healthy pain for the abuser and cause a breakdown which could lead to a breakthrough, meaning a desire to work on themselves in therapy to save the relationship.
Find a Supportive Community
Take the brave step of reaching out to a safe friend or family member. Or join a support group at a local domestic violence agency where you can share your story and receive the support and validation you need. You only need one supportive friend with empathy to help you rebuild trust and belief in yourself. If you can, it would help you significantly to seek professional help from a licensed therapist trained in helping victims of covert abuse.
Value your worth.
Over time, it’s easy to forget the strong person you are and the gifts you hold.
If you have been living with a narcissistic gaslighter they will likely criticize, minimize, and attack you for the strength you demonstrate. The narcissist needs you to see your strengths as weaknesses. Any strength you demonstrate becomes a trait the narcissist needs to shut down in order to exert control over you. Over time, it’s easy to forget the strong person you are and the gifts you hold.
It’s time to increase your self-awareness, build your self-esteem, and remind yourself of the good person you are. As with these other steps, you might need some professional guidance - therapist, support group, counselor - to process your self-doubt and help you heal.
One way to do this on your own is through journaling. Write down all of the strengths you have known yourself to have in life (even if you don’t see those strengths manifesting so much right now). Remember the things friends and family shared with you about your worth. Write them down and look at them often.
Finally, continue to educate yourself. Check out our course, where you will quickly learn how to recognize manipulative, abusive behaviors and critical information to stop the confusion and help you heal. Engage in activities that demonstrate your strengths. Social, physical and artistic activities are helpful to cure situational depression. Perhaps you were a runner, painter, poet, pickleball champ, or sailor. If so, revisit these activities. Try to find time to connect yourself to community which will significantly impact your ability to restore your sense of self-worth.
Set Healthy Boundaries.
It’s essential for you to keep healthy boundaries to protect yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically while disrupting the abuse cycle. This usually means you need to limit or completely cut off contact with your abuser. As difficult as it may be, this is the most important step survivors instinctively know they need to take in order to heal.
It can become more challenging to maintain healthy boundaries with friends or family who do not treat you respectfully, who refuse to believe you, or otherwise minimize your trauma from your personal experience with abuse.
Remember that it is perfectly reasonable for you to cease dialogue with them about your relationship or maintain physical space from if they are not showing you compassion. To remain in relationship with people who don’t support you can be highly traumatizing. You are your own best advocate. Others are entitled to their own faulty beliefs and you don't need to try to please them. Serve yourself well.
If you can, identify a therapist specially trained in narcissistic or covert abuse and trauma and start counseling. A well-trained and experienced therapist can help validate your suspicions, learn to set healthy boundaries with consequences, and overcome the trauma, anxiety and/or depression you are experiencing. Remember, take real good care of yourself.
thank you for this. I have always loved your website since I stumbled upon it. Sadly, I have not been able to escape the grasp of my psychopath narcissist ex-wife as she now has the weight of the family court on her side. She filed a bogus protection order of course it was granted with zero police reports zero photos and of course I shoved my 130 lb. wife at my sons’ school when they just got released in front of 100s of people, but no one intervened, and no one saw it. It has been 11 months since I have even spoke to my children just typing that brought so much rage to the surface its unfathomable that this is allowed to continue.
I’m so sorry about everything you have gone through. I also apologize for our delay in responding. Unfortunately, we get extraordinary amounts of spam comments we miss the important ones. It’s unfortunately common in court and custody proceedings for the narcissistic parent to end up with custody. Happens far too often, especially where the victim parent alleges abuse and parental alienation is the “defense” by the abusive parent. I’m sorry your estranged from your kids. I hopeit’s changed since you wrote this. Take a look at Wings For Justice, a nonprofit geared towards helping people just like you.
Oh my god! I don’t think I’m crazy! I can relate to so much of what I just read on this site. Part of me thought I was dealing with covert and narcissistic abuse, but it’s better than what I had in the past and I questioned my sanity. I relate so, so much – like this was written for me?! Thank you for this site – I am going to continue this path and find a therapist to talk to.
This is the BEST comment ever. Love your excitement and what you have gleaned from this blog. Love it. Keep digging in!! Let us know how we can support you best.
This article is my life. I know I have to get out of this marriage for my own mental health, I’m just so scared to fail but I feel like a failure now so I’m not sure what’s worst. We have two children and a divorce in CA is well over $10k. The hardest part is that I cant stop feeling guilty and sorry for my abusive husband. I just wish I was mentally stronger. I am so confused. I just wish my head would stop talking me out of everything positive that I know I want and deserve. I know what I would tell someone in my situation but why cant I tell myself? I just hate myself right now. I just feel like a sh!tty Mom, wife, employee and person. I just wish I could get it together
Gosh we understand how hard this is. You are walking though a journey of rediscovery and healing. It’s OK to have compassion for your husband but at the same time it’s important to see, acknowledge and admit that you are not responsible for changing them nor should you push to change them. Unless and until change comes wholly from their personal desire to change as well as their energy and effort dedicated towards that change, nothing will shift. The co-depenedant mindset believes they can change they partner and that they are responsible of doing so. Neither are true. Separate yourself from their healing and recognize thet the best thing you can do is to focus on your own healing. By setting clear and strong boundaries against them and their abusive tactics, you are most likely to impact your freedom.
Its taken me 8 years to get the courage to tell my now separated husband of many years I wanted to seperate and end it all. I woke up 5 years ago to the seriousness of the covert abuse and was utterly petrified with this realisation. I have spent the last 5 years preparing to leave, trying to understand, working out how I ended up in this situation. I am lucky I managed to live separately from him for the last two years, only seeing him on school holidays. I waited until my children were old enough to see the abuse so they could understand, and in the endeavour of not having court battles over custody. I am now to proceed with formalities. I have no idea if he will co-operate.
I have struggled deeply for a long time, this article above is totally true of what I have endured. The abuse tactics used were quiet, withholding, gaslighting very subtly, ignoring and just complete avoidance. I thought I was going insane, many times wanting to end my life. I have had very revealing insights over the past few years, particularly last year. Realising many things he did were planned and carefully used to control me, mostly financial control. It got to the point where I didn’t have enough money to buy food and would have to use the electricity money to feed my kids and me. I would then be reprimanded by him for spending the electricity money on food! Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I still have much healing to do.
It’s good to read the reply’s above. It’s validating. Thankyou to those who posted.
Gosh, Mary, thank YOU for your extraordinary courage, willingness to vulnerably share AND your validation of our team. Bless you in your journey of healing. We have a survivor cohort beginning on 1.23 that we would love for you to join and be involved of if you can!! Make sure you sign up by giving your email to receive communication so you’ll get an email from us by the end of the week about how to register and, if needed, apply for a scholarship. Also, you can check out our free resources on our website where you’ll find many videos and downloadable products to help you learn and grow and HEAL! Finally, don’t hesitate to reach out to us on our info@themendproject.com account if you have additional comments or questions. We love to hear from you. Stephanie (Exec. Dir)
Oh thank you so so much!! I'm the adult child of a narcissistic gaslighter. I never had a name for it, just knew the feelings she gave me. I grew up with it somehow, mostly by emulating, and always wondered why I had such low self-esteem when in actuality I had so much going for me. I see it now. I pray I don't exhibit this stuff to my own kids.
Hi Julie,
Having a narcissistic parent is very hard. It can deeply shape the way you think about yourself. I hope you have found ways to love yourself well. You might enjoy the book, The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. It clarifies how children of narcissistic parents develop a low sense of self-worth and what is required to change one’s internal thoughts and beliefs about self. Please take really good care of yourself. Learn to love yourself well, participate in physical and creative activities and connect with safe people in your life. Big hugs to you! Annette