My name is Brian, and I just finished the self-paced course: Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. I am so thankful I found this material. Reading and listening to the testimonies and stories has been so enlightening. I am feeling more and more free and empowered to move forward as I now understand what happened during my 23-year marriage.
I have been divorced for two years. During my marriage, I tried so hard to figure out what was happening. As a Christian Pastor, I even moved to another city, hoping that a ministry school would bring healing in our communication and connection. So many counselors, seminars, books and just crying out to God, but things continued to just be chaotic.
I started to research denial in arguments, which led me to study ADD. My ex was diagnosed with Inattentive ADD. Learning about ADD was insightful but was not the full picture. Marriage counseling only made me more frustrated, and I insisted that she see a therapist by herself. I knew that my reactions and frustrations were not the source of our problems.
After getting divorced, I saw a counselor for myself and read many books that were helpful but did not bring me closure. My counselor kept wanting me to just move on and was not interested in validating my experiences. Then, I attended a divorce seminar where Karla Downing spoke. I talked to her about wanting validation from counselors, and she completely agreed. There were many in our group that had this experience as well. I started to read Karla’s books and listen to her YouTube channel. This is where I heard Annette share her story. Listening to Annette's story was revolutionary for me. I related to so much of her pain, frustrations, and physical health issues from stress. Her story and the course you guys have put together have been incredibly helpful in finding the validation I needed.
I have been listening to The MEND Project YouTube channel and the Flying Free podcast. I don't have a problem listening to these resources that are only addressed to women. I can just relate to the relational dynamics that are universal. I have listened to the Verbally Abusive Relationship book three times and then read the Kindle version. This book was incredibly insightful. I listened to the Human Magnet Syndrome as well, and this explains a lot.
After getting my divorce, my sister said to me, "Why did you wait so long?" This question stung, and I was furious at hearing this. I had been forgiving, holding our family together, suffering abuse, trying to be faithful to what God had given to me, etc. I felt so misunderstood. I talked to God about this and complained about what my sister said. Then I heard God say, "Well, why did you wait so long?" I was in shocked silence. I never felt like I had a choice. I never believed that divorce was an option. A while later, I was praying, and I felt like God had said, "complicit." I had never really used this word and had to look it up.
I am over the sting of this and now have come to understand that I allowed so much abuse to happen. I never saw it as abuse but just knew it was wrong. I believe that I was a victim, but also allowed myself to be victimized. Even though I used to pray, beg, and yell for the confusion to stop, I really had no boundaries. My belief system and lack of self-love allowed me to continue to be abused.
Recently, I was in Nepal on a mission trip. Nepal is a developing country, and its people are lacking in education. While I was living there for a month, I was getting overwhelmed by the countless unhealthy lifestyle decisions people were making around me, like burning plastic trash, etc. One night I was praying, and I felt like God said, "Hold out your hands, I want to give you something." I was a little uneasy about this, thinking God would ask me to move to Nepal, etc. I held out my hands and I felt God say, "Freedom!" I felt a wave of peace come over me. Freedom from feeling responsible for others' decisions. Freedom from trying to help. Freedom to allow my own kids to make their own choices and mistakes.
The MEND Project has been absolutely brilliant for me. Helping me in my walk into the freedom God wants for us all. There are so many other empowering truths that I have learned from Annette and hearing others' stories. Thanks so much for putting this material together.
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How has MEND helped you?
The MEND Project has been extremely helpful in my journey of healing and understanding covert abuse. I now understand so clearly what happened in my difficult marriage of 23 years. After my divorce, I felt so disoriented, confused and stuck. The MEND Project teachings and testimonies supported me with so much validation of my own painful experiences. Being understood has been incredibly empowering. I now feel the confidence and freedom to avoid unhealthy relationships going forward.