A Guide to Navigating Entitlement in Relationships

Have you ever asked your partner to stop doing something you’re uncomfortable with?

For example, he won’t stop photographing you in your bathing suit. Or maybe she expects you to meet her needs while ignoring yours.

This is entitlement. It is one of the five pillars of covert emotional abuse.

And it is not okay.

A pillar of abuse is a metaphor meant to describe a foundational structure of faulty thinking, attitudes, and beliefs that drive an abuser's mindset. 

In this article, let’s look at several aspects of entitlement in a relationship.

We’ll cover:

Let’s get started!

Entitlement in a Relationship

At their core, abusers believe they are entitled to special treatment and double standards regardless of the needs of others. 

Their attitude is that they think they deserve to be treated better, and others aren’t worthy of receiving the same favor. 

It’s one reason why abusers expect their partner to treat them better even while they minimize their partner’s place in the relationship. 

This is especially true of narcissistic individuals or covert abusers.

Entitlement plays a vital part in a person’s mind who aims to avoid responsibility or avoid making amends or reparations for the harm caused. Entitlement wrongly provides a license to the abuser that places them in a hierarchical position while they downgrade their partner. 

Anyone can get caught up in this mentality from time to time. Still, someone abusive will use thoughts about their entitlement to justify their behavior rather than recognize and repair it internally.

An emotionally abusive dynamic can be challenging to detect. 

When responders don’t identify the presence of emotional abuse, how they react or respond to the couple might inadvertently fuel an abuser’s sense of entitlement. 

When a victim alleges abuse, it’s critical that responders not lose focus by the alleged abuser’s justifications rooted in their sense of entitlement or hierarchical thinking. It’s why the abuser may refuse to go to therapy, where they may be confronted.

How Entitlement Develops in Adults

Entitlement is a quality that is normal in young children who don’t possess the mental and emotional maturity required to understand that they are not the center of everyone’s attention all the time. When children don’t receive something they want immediately, you can expect tears or temper tantrums. 

Psychologists believe this is a natural and healthy part of a child’s cognitive and emotional development process. 

However, as we age, that child-like sense of entitlement gives way to an exchange for love and respect for others. 

Many emotional abusers side-step this essential developmental process even into adulthood, which causes significant strain on their relationships and even themselves as they carry unrealistic expectations. 

They tend to think about what they are owed rather than what they can give. 

For instance, men from patriarchal cultures or families may develop a sense of entitlement if they have witnessed “machismo” ideas or similar mindsets, such as assuming women are less intelligent or capable and, therefore, must take on the role of serving men. 

In a similar way… 

Women from more matriarchal settings who were always treated as “the princess” may struggle to overcome the idea that the people around them, including their partner, have equally essential wants and needs. 

So, how does entitlement manifest in a relationship?

Keep reading to find out.

Four Types of Entitlement

Entitlement can manifest in myriad ways in an adult relationship, but these four are among the most common:

Let’s look at each one more closely.

Access to Finances

Couples may choose to share or not share their finances in varying capacities, and some believe that’s okay. 

What’s not okay is when an entitled partner aims to control the finances domineeringly or spend money without their partner's authentic consent. 

In a healthy relationship, both partners will have complete knowledge of the finances and mutually agree to live within their means according to a reasonable budget. They don't need to ask permission for every dollar spent. 

However, when going beyond the budget, mutually agreed-upon decisions are an ideal way to maintain mutual respect and equality in relationships.

For example, if your partner disengages from you or grows angry because you don’t allow them to control or spend your finances how they want solely, you are likely dealing with the stress of attempting to establish equality with an entitled partner.

Family and Children

In a healthy relationship, there is an attitude of equality and mutuality. This becomes particularly apparent when children are part of the family unit. 

Kids bring added responsibility and a need for mutual sacrifices. Entitlement comes into play when one parent believes that all of the responsibilities for household chores and care for the children belong to only one parent. 

We see this in many cultural groups. In a healthy household, both partners will step in to help with household chores and invest meaningful time and care for the children.

Sexual Activity You’re Not Comfortable With

Sexual intimacy is a beautiful part of a relationship; however, it can be tainted quickly if your partner tries to take advantage of you or disrespects your desires or preferences. 

While you are in a relationship, your body is still your body, and you have the right to communicate what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with. 

Abusive partners may carry entitlement into the bedroom, pushing boundaries to get what they want. Continually nagging and pestering even after they have been told “no” or acting angry when something does not go their way may be a sign of a much deeper problem.

Private Information

In the earlier stages of a relationship, it is hard to draw a clear line between what is essential to tell your partner and what to keep private. One partner might not feel comfortable sharing more personal information about themselves or things from the past.

For instance, individuals may be reluctant to share their income and financial information early in the relationship.

Trust must precede vulnerability.

An entitled partner will try to gain access to private information no matter the established level of trust as if they are entitled to see your private texts, emails, voicemails, bank statements, or other communications. 

Look:

Every relationship will involve compromise. We may wish we could meet all of our wants and needs, but that's not a healthy expectation, and neither is entitlement just because you are in a relationship. 

If you feel entitlement creeping into your relationship, it is a good idea to pause and discuss it with your partner. 

At this point, you may wonder if avoiding a relationship involving entitlement is possible. 

Let’s find out.

Come Into the Relationship With Clear Expectations

Discuss with your partner early on what type of relationship you each want.

What are your own love languages/needs? What are your beliefs about equality, child-rearing, finances, and intimacy?

These conversations could reveal if your partner has unhealthy expectations, in which case it is better to hold off before entering into any kind of commitment. 

Recognizing red flags and ending a relationship when you see them is critical.

Hold Space for Each Other To Be Assertive

Especially at the beginning of a relationship, it’s common to deny our needs and want to accommodate our partner out of the desire to make them happy. 

While it’s good to honor one another, healthy relationships require a space where autonomy can continue to develop in an environment of mutual respect. 

Engaging in open and transparent conversations about each other’s feelings will create room for each other’s needs. 

It is okay to say no if you do not feel comfortable doing something with your partner, even if you have said yes to it before.

Final Thoughts

Entitlement is one of the Five Pillars of Abuse. Entitlement is not always apparent. It can slowly increase in a relationship as each partner becomes more comfortable with the other.