Sanitization: How Abusers Conceal Their Toxic Behavior

Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, only to emerge feeling bewildered as they deftly justify their actions, leaving you questioning your own perceptions? 

This blog post explores a covert emotional abuse tactic known as sanitization, where abusers attempt to make their toxic behavior appear harmless or even virtuous, leaving victims ensnared in a web of confusion and self-doubt.

Here’s what you’ll learn:

Let’s begin.

What is Sanitization?

The word “sanitize” means to “make clean and hygienic; disinfect,” or to “alter (something regarded as less acceptable) so as to make it more palatable.” 

When an abuser tries to sanitize their behavior, they are trying to convince themselves and others that their behavior is harmless or even good when what really needs to happen is for the abusive behavior to stop entirely. 

Instead, the abuser is more focused on image management, self-protection, and even assuaging their own internal feelings of shame than on stopping the destructive behavior.

But what does that look like, you may be wondering. 

Let’s dig a little deeper.

An Example of Sanitizing Behavior

Let’s say, for instance, that you and your partner get into an argument over finances. Pay attention to the abuser’s behavior and responses:

In this scenario, the abuser washes their hands clean of the wrongdoing they’ve done by lying to their partner, and by cashing and using the return for personal use without having a conversation first. 

Rather than owning and taking responsibility for bad behavior, the tactic of sanitization was used to make it seem like there was good intent for the choice that was made. 

This kind of manipulation can be deeply distressing for the victim.

They know in their gut when abuse is underlying, but when they are in close relationship with the individual abusing them, it is much more challenging to distinguish unhealthy behavior from healthy behavior. 

The result? 

Take a look:

The Effects of Sanitization on Victims

When an abuser sanitizes situations and tries to make their harmful actions seem justified, they create more layers of confusion and cause the victim to doubt the truth, which is the abusive person’s goal. 

After many instances of this occurring, the victim may begin to blame or doubt themselves for having qualms in the first place. 

Given enough time and repetition, the victim is likely to become convinced that the emotional or physical abuse is an act of love. 

They may stop speaking up altogether when it happens rather than risk feeling wrong or foolish for thinking that something is amiss about their relationship. 

While this is a devastating position to be in, we want to assure you there is hope. 

Here is what you can do the next time you feel your partner is using sanitization to cover up their wrongdoing:

How to Respond When You Notice Sanitization Tactics

If you recognize that sanitization is being used against you in your relationship, it is important to confront the behavior both by naming it and identifying what is wrong with it.

For example, after your partner sanitizes their abusive behavior, you could say to them: 

Stay rooted in what your gut is telling you.

You have good instincts and you can trust yourself. It’s okay to disagree and discern that you are being mistreated. And you can stand firm in what you need and still keep a connection. 

A healthy relationship will stay intact and get stronger with interactions that require integrity and responsibility. 

Final Thoughts

We hope this blog has helped you to understand the abusive behavior of sanitization.

It is so important to give behaviors a name and define them because doing so helps us to recognize them more quickly and set a boundary when they are used against you.

For a full list of covert behaviors we have named or defined, click HERE.