Am I Being Abused, or Am I Crazy? How to Know the Difference

Do you constantly find yourself asking…

"Am I crazy or am I being abused?"

Because if you are thinking this, you are definitely NOT crazy.

Are You Being Crazy… or Abused?

You may be asking yourself, “is how my partner treats me typical? It seems so harsh."

But what is it supposed to look like?

Is this a ‘normal level’ of conflict?

Does everyone else feel this way?

"I sometimes wonder if I’m being abused. Am I?"

The Answer Is Sometimes Difficult to Nail Down

Maybe it’s just an occasional slight, or maybe it happens every day.

Perhaps it happens multiple times a day.

It seems like there are themes to their unkindness.

You’re experiencing all of this and, yet, your partner insists it’s either all in your mind or all your fault.

Is it?

The truth is that the answer to this question:

How do I know if I am being abused…

Isn’t always an easy answer to find.

You live in a world that says, if it were abuse, you would know.

But they don’t know about the subtle, hidden forms of manipulation that cause harm.

You live in a world that carries the message, “this is the norm.”

But it doesn’t seem like everyone else is dealing with the same pain and confusion in their relationships.

You may feel as if everything is going along just as it should.

But then, without any warning, your partner takes a swipe at you.
A physical swipe. Or a verbal assault.

Or they shut you out, stonewalling you, without saying a word.

You are trying to make sense of what just happened. But you’re not sure.

Maybe they make jokes fairly often that seem to be at your expense. But you’re not sure.

Or they minimize your feelings and the experiences that are meaningful to you. But you’re not sure that’s what they’re trying to do.

Or your partner always seems to belittle the things you are excited about. But you’re not sure.

It feels like your partner treats you unkindly. . . often. But you’re not sure.

Do You Feel Like You Are Living in a World of Constant Confusion and Stress?

Perhaps you feel like you are the crazy one.

But you aren’t. You are not the crazy one.

In reality, the truth is quite the opposite.

People like you, people who have had to navigate through a crazy-making environment within a maze of confusion, are incredibly resourceful and intelligent.

You have likely extended compassion and understanding, well beyond reason, toward the very person causing you this harm.

YOU are NOT crazy.

Covert Emotional Abuse is Likely to Blame

You are not to blame.

The truth is that many people suffer silently without ever understanding the reason for the seemingly unending conflict in their relationship. Rather, they blame themselves and work hard to improve who they are and to please their partner, hoping they can single-handedly change their circumstances through over-functioning.

They typically don’t realize that covert emotional abuse, a subtle and very damaging form of emotional abuse, is the reason they are feeling so “crazy.”

Covert emotional abuse is comprised of subtle behaviors and hidden tactics designed to destroy a person’s self-esteem, value, and identity over time. Likely, it’s the reason their relationship feels so confusing and stressful.

Covert abusive behaviors are not easily seen as abusive. Many of us may experience or engage in these behaviors even within non-abusive relationships, so we tend to minimize their potential impact or dismiss them when they happen in more toxic relationships.

The difference within an abusive relationship is the intent held by the one who is harming their partner through the use of covert tactics.

The primary reasons they use covert behaviors are to subdue the victim through control and manipulation and diminish their sense of self.

When covert abuse is the root of the relational conflict, the victim is unable to change the dynamic by themself no matter how hard they try.

Instead, they often find themselves caught in a web of confusion and extraordinary stress unsure how to become free.

Look:

Because it is so difficult to recognize with confidence, covert abuse is hard to stop.

Victims who experience repeated covert emotional abuse can remain in prolonged states of stressful confusion for quite a while, which hinders their ability to think clearly and react constructively to the abuse.

Are you tired of being made to feel that everything is your fault, or that what you are experiencing is all in your head?

Once a victim learns the correct language and can name the tactics they face, they become equipped to respond more constructively. The clarity this knowledge brings diminishes the level of confusion and stress the victim experiences. In time, freedom and healing can come when the appropriate recovery steps are taken.

I’ve Reached Out for Help and No One Will Believe Me… I Look Like the Crazy One

Not being believed is often one of the most painful positions to find yourself in and one that needs safe and corrective attention immediately.

You cannot heal in isolation.

You may have searched for help in the past and been unsuccessful, but don’t give up.

Explore our website for guides and resources that can help you locate the support and care you need.

There are also abuse hotlines, shelters, support groups, and qualified therapists in your community who can validate your experience and show you the compassion you need.

Those who are trained in emotional abuse have the skills to lead you toward healing.

Appropriate avenues of support will feel right to you: they will support your reality, listen to your experience without judgment, help you process your pain, and be informative and non-confrontational.

If they don’t, perhaps the fit isn’t right. Please keep looking for a healthier alternative.

When a victim receives anything less than this kind of support, they experience what MEND has defined as Double Abuse®.  Let’s take a look at what causes Double Abuse.

When a person experiencing emotionally abusive behaviors seeks help from someone who is unaware or uneducated about Covert Emotional Abuse, they may be met with judgment, skepticism, and incorrect counsel.

These kinds of responses only exacerbate the victim’s abuse and result in a second trauma that is equally painful and often harder to heal from. We call this Double Abuse.

If you have already experienced Double Abuse, find support from someone who is experienced in all forms of abuse, particularly Double Abuse.

Sometimes, the harm you experience at the hands of others is simply due to a lack of knowledge and education on their part.

They may not have realized how their responses piled more hurt onto you.

If you sense they are capable of learning, growing, and changing, please refer them to our website. We are dedicated to changing the response of anyone who is responding to those who are directly impacted by abuse.

And above all… YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

What if Those Close to Me Refuse to Change?

Unfortunately, there are some people and organizations set in faulty thinking, and unwilling to change.

They may turn their backs on you, gossip about you, shun you, or openly criticize you.

These people may be family members, friends, social acquaintances, or members of a group you are involved in.

If this occurs, it is important that you distance yourself from their messages to avoid becoming the victim of Double Abuse once again.

They have shown you they are unable to support you in a kind and loving way.

But take heart, because our website offers valuable resources and information to help you recognize Double Abuse and counter its consequences.

We are here to offer compassion and support on your journey from abuse to FREEDOM.

Finally, if You Are in a Critical Situation That You Must Extricate Yourself From as Soon as Possible, Follow These 4 Steps for Immediate Help:

• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or find a local shelter
• Create a safe exit plan
• Have a separate, private cellphone
• Have cash, important documents, and a bag packed