Why Men Won’t Leave Their Abuser

We naturally talk about female victims of abuse, but men are abused by their partners as well. It’s just not talked about as much.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1 in 7 men are victims of intimate partner violence and need quality resources to help them heal from these destructive relationships.

At MEND, we want to end the silence of abuse for any person, male or female. In this article, we are going to take time to consider why men stay in abusive relationships.

We’ll discuss:

The challenges preventing male victims from leaving abusive situations and speaking up
The most common reasons men remain with an abusive partner, according to this in-depth study on male intimate partner violence
What MEND has learned from male victims who have reached out for our help
The cycle of abuse male victims experience increases their trauma and makes it harder to reach out for help

Stigma Facing Male Abuse Victims and Statistics

He can't be the victim. After all, aren't abusers men?

The National Domestic Violence Hotline estimates that one in seven men are victims of severe intimate partner violence.

It’s complex to know how many men experience abuse by a significant other because men tend not to report the abuse they experience.

There is an incredible amount of shame associated with reporting for a man. They can face questioning and persecution when they admit they are a victim.

The reality is that it is likely no one will believe them and instead will accuse the man of being the actual abuser.

Most are met with the additional challenge of limited or non-existent resources for male victims.

Victims are often criticized for staying in their abusive relationships. To those looking from the outside in, merely packing up one's bags, saying goodbye to the abuser, and never looking back seems like the most obvious and easy solution for a victim seeking a way out.

Unfortunately, leaving an abusive situation is rarely so simple, and doing so presents some unique challenges for men.

The more educated we are about the obstacles male abuse victims face, the better we can empathize with their thoughts and feelings and meet them where they are. This is essential in helping them take their next steps and heal from the trauma they have endured.

1) THE ABUSE CYCLE CREATES A TRAUMA BOND THAT'S HARD TO ESCAPE

Trauma bonds are intense emotional attachments between victims and their abusers.

In an abusive relationship, complex abusive behaviors like control and dependency are used to create feelings of love, admiration, and gratitude in the victim for their abuser.

The abuse cycle, with its stages of violence followed by positive reinforcement, forges a trauma bond that makes it hard to leave a violent relationship.

The back and forth between abuse and affection reinforces the victim's attachment to and dependence on the abuser. It enables the escalation of intimate partner violence.

2) SHAME

Male victims often face Double Abuse in the form of disbelief, distrust, and discrimination from police, attorneys, and social service advocates when attempting to seek guidance to help them with their abusive relationship.

Our culture commonly conditions men from an early age to believe that it's not masculine to ask for help, admit hurt, or claim to be a victim of any sort. It is especially embarrassing for men to have “allowed” a woman to abuse them.

When men are viewed as "weak" or "unmanly" and face discrimination across multiple sectors of life, the results can be devastating.

A study from Harvard Business Review reveals that men who show vulnerability are more likely to be perceived as less competent, which can severely inhibit their ability to be taken seriously in personal, professional, and institutional spheres.

This kind of social conditioning communicates to men (and women) that men are only as valuable as they are "masculine."

Many are not willing to risk the shame and social or professional consequences that could result from vulnerably admitting they are a victim of abuse.

3) FEAR

Many male victims choose not to seek professional help in navigating their abusive situation because of fear:

fear of being shamed
fear of not being believed
fear of losing custody of their children
fear that they would be accused of being the real abuser

One man from the study explained why he wouldn't leave his abuser:

"It's hard for anyone to help. My state's divorce and child custody laws make it impossible for me to initiate divorce as I would lose my daughter, most of our assets, and I'd be on the hook for alimony, possibly for life…

“...If I seek help through mental health professionals, doctors, or the police, she would certainly divorce me, and, again, I would lose everything. I choose to stay in this relationship to be with my child and not be financially ruined.”

Even if they are suffocating within the relationship, the fear of the consequences of speaking out may be so overwhelming to them that they cannot fathom leaving.

Watching Someone You Love Suffer in an Abusive Relationship is Heartbreaking

But there are ways to help. The right kind of support can make a real difference in their journey toward safety and healing. That’s why we’ve created free resources to show you safe and effective ways to support them.

Be a source of strength for them. Show them the love, patience, and understanding they deserve. Get started today.

4) GUILT

Many male victims feel guilty about leaving their abusive situations. They might feel obligated to stay and reform their abuser. Or they feel guilty about leaving their children in an abusive situation and don't believe they will get custody if they try to leave with the children.

When growing up, boys are often told to "man up," "don't cry," or "be a man." These phrases are usually intended to discourage showing certain emotions such as fear, shame, or sadness.

This type of masculinity may have been rewarded by family, friends, coaches, or even teachers. Maybe they were punished for not reflecting certain "manly" characteristics.

As a result, many men have often been trained that being a protector falls into the masculine role they must assume to be favored in societal spheres.

In contrast, the victim role is taught as expressly female. Considering the majority of domestic violence help is directed to women can make a male victim feel wrong for speaking up about their own abuse.

Consequently, men might see leaving as abandonment, which contradicts the protective role they believe they should play. They have been taught to suppress their feelings and internal reactions. But this keeps men locked in situations of actual abuse.

For men who have been brought up with this belief system, choosing to leave their abusive partner requires them to set all of this "teaching" aside, which brings in an incredible amount of guilt.

How to move forward as an abused male or help an abused male

At MEND, our goal is to provide a safe place for ALL victims of abuse to seek and receive the help they desperately need.

We train responders to regard the victims before them, regardless of if they are male or female.

As we've journeyed with male victims, we have learned how difficult it is to share details about your stories of abuse.

And we hear how devastating it is to search for groups that support male victims and to find there are none.

While it isn't talked about as much as violence against women, we know the men we speak to who have been harmed by abuse are not alone.

We endeavor to make a difference. If you are a responder walking alongside a male victim-survivor of abuse, have a look at our Healing Model of Compassion, where you will learn the steps for responding to any victim's disclosure of abuse.

And if you are a male victim of abuse, we are sorry for what you are enduring. We encourage you to continue seeking the clarity and healing you need and deserve.