Have you ever been on the receiving end of a “joke” that felt more like a punch in the gut?
A joke is not a joke when it hurts.
This blog will share a story about toxic joking, or what MEND calls Weaponized Joking. As you read along, you will come to know:
We hope that by sharing a story where weaponized joking is employed, you will see it unfold and begin to understand when “joking” becomes a form of covert emotional abuse.
Is It Just a Joke—or Something More?
“Is that what you’re going to wear to the wedding?” Sarah asked her husband, Jack.
Jack consciously looked down at his suit.
He had been feeling stressed about going to the wedding as social events like this make him anxious. Sarah knew that.
“Is there something wrong with what I am wearing?” Jack asked.
“No,” Sarah replied as she put her shoes on, making a face that suggested she wanted to say yes. “I just think it’s funny you would pick that suit for a wedding.”
“Are you telling me it’s not appropriate? Should I wear something different?” he asked.
“No, it’s fine,” she responded.
“Sarah, we’ve talked about this before, and you know how it affects me when you comment on my clothing right before we go out.”
“Geez, can’t you tell it was just a joke? Lighten up, Dapper Dan!” Sarah said, annoyed at him for speaking up, while laughing at her “joke.”
She slapped him on the shoulder and said, “Stop being so sensitive. Don’t blame me when you’re the one who can’t take a joke! Come on—it’s time to go.”
When Joking Crosses A Line
Sarah was not speaking up about a personal preference she held.
Her behavior minimized Jack’s feelings and concerns, and she knew that.
Sarah knowingly took advantage of Jack’s vulnerabilities and then tried to cover it up by calling it a joke—this is when joking becomes weaponized and toxic.
Exchanges like the one in the story above are harmful in private and even more when they happen in public in front of friends and family.
While Sarah’s “joke” might seem light-hearted to some people, it might make others feel uncomfortable and sorry for Jack as his wife humiliates him publicly.
What Is Weaponized Joking?
The term weaponized joking refers to saying mean things at the other person’s expense and using blame-shifting to deflect. It can be done under the guise of being "just a joke," often causing emotional distress.
People on the receiving end of such toxic joking may hear things like, “Don’t be so sensitive, it was just a joke!”
Weaponized joking is an emotionally abusive tactic commonly used by abusers, and it is often the first sign of what will be an abusive relationship.
Genuine, intelligent humor doesn’t come at someone else's expense.
The line may be blurred between a genuine joke and one intended to be used as a weapon against another person. Let’s consider a couple together.
Understanding the Social or Cultural Norms that May Perpetuate Toxic Joking
1. Families Who Use Humiliation As A Sport
Some families may sit around the dinner table, pointing out and picking away at others’ insecurities to cause a laugh. It can feel like the norm for someone brought up in an environment such as this, or it can lead to doing the same with their family as the children grow up.
While some individuals from this environment may be less sensitive to toxic joking, they are not immune to its effects. Most people who grew up believing that humiliation was equivalent to humor are still hurt by those remarks, even if they’ve learned to hide their shame.
2. Some Cultural Beliefs Contribute to Toxic Joking
Sometimes, cultural beliefs contribute to toxic joking. For example, in some societies, people are marginalized due to their gender, ethnic background, or financial status, which may lead them to become the target of toxic jokes. The belief that some individuals are superior to others can make it seem acceptable to make fun of those deemed "lesser." While it is not okay, this may be a cultural norm that perpetuates the use of weaponized joking.
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How to Tell the Difference Between Joking and Abusive Joking
The true test of a joke is how it is received.
Jokes that make someone uncomfortable, hurt, or specifically target something they’ve asked not to discuss are weaponized, and they are toxic.
Going back to Sarah and Jack’s situation: for a man who enjoyed joking about his clothes and hadn’t expressed discomfort, Sarah’s comment might have seemed funny or endearing. But it became toxic because Sarah knew Jack was already anxious about attending the event, and she knew her comments about his clothing made him feel worse. Jack had told her he didn’t like those jokes and that they affected his ability to enjoy events—this is an outcome of weaponized joking: shame.
Responding to Weaponized Joking
It doesn’t matter how light the joke seems to the person making it; if the recipient doesn’t like it or feels uncomfortable, it is not okay.
If you experience or see weaponized joking employed against someone, use your voice to say something like, “Wow, that wasn’t very kind.” Pointing it out shows your disapproval of their behavior and your support for the one on the receiving end. It sends a message to both people that you don’t tolerate that behavior, making you a safe person.
In the example of Jack and Sarah, if you are an outsider and heard Sarah do that in public, it would be appropriate and helpful to say something like, “Really!? Jack always looks nice, and he looks handsome in his suit!”
It can be challenging to speak up at first, but as you become more familiar with the difference between harmless and weaponized joking, you will be equipped to call it out when you hear it, even when you are on the receiving end.
And, if you are witnessing it as an outsider, know that your voice makes a meaningful difference. Friends and family, more than law enforcement or therapists, often have the most significant impact on victims and abusers.
Thank you for publishing this. I have siblings, one older and one younger, who constantly joke around about my lack of food. I get self-conscious because it shows how much I can afford on my salary when I get thinner and thinner each day: My brother and my sister know my financial situation so that makes it even more hurtful. Like Jack in this scenario, I’m told I can’t take a joke and I’m being too sensitive, I was given a book as a gag to calm the fuck down, but I don’t think that was the appropriate response from my siblings to tease them. I love them both dearly but sometimes they can be a bit insensitive and inconsiderate.
Thanks for sharing this with us. You’re right, it’s not okay and demonstrates a lack of emotional awareness and maturity on their part. We never can be sure of why people do that and I’m sorry they’ve chosen this path. Sometimes, perhaps in response to the “you’re too sensitive”, try saying, “Stop judging me for expressing how your comments make me feel. I am setting a boundary that’s healthy for me and I’m asking you to respect that. Are you willing to do that for me?” If possible, remain calm when responding and state it simply and matter of fact but requiring an answer from them. Also, we are so sorry you are struggling financially right now. I hope you will be able to get the financial assistance you need to remain healthy.
What about when you confront the person and they dismiss and diminish your feelings? Then, they deflect. What does one do with all that resentment after 20 years?
Johnny, I am so sorry for what your going through. We understand the resentment. If you are able to do so, we recommend spending time with a therapist who specializes in abuse so you can learn the best ways to firmly set healthy boundaries. It’s possible, maybe even likely, that your partner will not change. However, it’s important to your personal growth and journey to learn to respond in a way that reflects self love and affirmation.
I am interested in knowing if my hurt feelings are validated or if I am being too sensitive. I have a 19 yo granddaughter who hasn’t been particularly loving towards me. Last night, I was at her home (my oldest daughter’s who is her mother). My youngest granddaughter came up to me as we were sitting at the table and said she loves me and I kissed her on her cheek. She laughed and asked, “Did you lick my ear?” She’s only 10 and was trying to be funny. I laughed and remarked “Do I look like a dog?” The 19 yo, while looking down at her phone, said “You don’t want to hear the answer to that.” When she saw the look of surprise on my face, she said “It was a joke!” I personally found it hurtful and disrespectful. Am I being overly sensitive or was it, as I feel, a snarky comment disguised as a joke?
Your feelings are valid, and you’re not being overly sensitive. The comment from your 19-year-old granddaughter was indeed hurtful and disrespectful, even if framed as a joke.
This situation fits the pattern of veiling unkind remarks as humor. While she may not have intended to cause harm, the impact was still hurtful. You are justified in feeling upset by this interaction.
In relationships, especially family ones, it’s important that humor doesn’t come at the expense of someone’s feelings or dignity. Your granddaughter’s remark crossed that line.
If you feel comfortable, you might consider having a calm conversation with her about how her words affected you. This could be an opportunity for growth in your relationship.
Sending you strength and care!