Have you ever been on the receiving end of a “joke” that felt more like a punch in the gut?
A joke is not a joke when it hurts.
This blog will share a story about toxic joking, or what MEND calls Weaponized Joking. As you read along, you will come to know:
We hope that by sharing a story where weaponized joking is employed, you will see it unfold and begin to understand when “joking” becomes a form of covert emotional abuse.
Is It Just a Joke—or Something More?
“Is that what you’re going to wear to the wedding?” Sarah asked her husband, Jack.
Jack consciously looked down at his suit.
He had been feeling stressed about going to the wedding as social events like this make him anxious. Sarah knew that.
“Is there something wrong with what I am wearing?” Jack asked.
“No,” Sarah replied as she put her shoes on, making a face that suggested she wanted to say yes. “I just think it’s funny you would pick that suit for a wedding.”
“Are you telling me it’s not appropriate? Should I wear something different?” he asked.
“No, it’s fine,” she responded.
“Sarah, we’ve talked about this before, and you know how it affects me when you comment on my clothing right before we go out.”
“Geez, can’t you tell it was just a joke? Lighten up, Dapper Dan!” Sarah said, annoyed at him for speaking up, while laughing at her “joke.”
She slapped him on the shoulder and said, “Stop being so sensitive. Don’t blame me when you’re the one who can’t take a joke! Come on—it’s time to go.”
When Joking Crosses A Line
Sarah was not speaking up about a personal preference she held.
Her behavior minimized Jack’s feelings and concerns, and she knew that.
Sarah knowingly took advantage of Jack’s vulnerabilities and then tried to cover it up by calling it a joke—this is when joking becomes weaponized and toxic.
Exchanges like the one in the story above are harmful in private and even more when they happen in public in front of friends and family.
While Sarah’s “joke” might seem light-hearted to some people, it might make others feel uncomfortable and sorry for Jack as his wife humiliates him publicly.
What Is Weaponized Joking?
The term weaponized joking refers to saying mean things at the other person’s expense and using blame-shifting to deflect. It can be done under the guise of being "just a joke," often causing emotional distress.
People on the receiving end of such toxic joking may hear things like, “Don’t be so sensitive, it was just a joke!”
Weaponized joking is an emotionally abusive tactic commonly used by abusers, and it is often the first sign of what will be an abusive relationship.
Genuine, intelligent humor doesn’t come at someone else's expense.
The line may be blurred between a genuine joke and one intended to be used as a weapon against another person. Let’s consider a couple together.
Understanding the Social or Cultural Norms that May Perpetuate Toxic Joking
1. Families Who Use Humiliation As A Sport
Some families may sit around the dinner table, pointing out and picking away at others’ insecurities to cause a laugh. It can feel like the norm for someone brought up in an environment such as this, or it can lead to doing the same with their family as the children grow up.
While some individuals from this environment may be less sensitive to toxic joking, they are not immune to its effects. Most people who grew up believing that humiliation was equivalent to humor are still hurt by those remarks, even if they’ve learned to hide their shame.
2. Some Cultural Beliefs Contribute to Toxic Joking
Sometimes, cultural beliefs contribute to toxic joking. For example, in some societies, people are marginalized due to their gender, ethnic background, or financial status, which may lead them to become the target of toxic jokes. The belief that some individuals are superior to others can make it seem acceptable to make fun of those deemed "lesser." While it is not okay, this may be a cultural norm that perpetuates the use of weaponized joking.
Free Printables and Workshops for Your Emotional Healing
Healing is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone. These free, expert-created resources are designed to support you—mind, body, and heart—as you move forward. Whether you're looking for practical tools, emotional support, or simply a reminder that you matter, we’re here for you. Enter your email to access tools designed to help you find peace, strength, and self-discovery.
How to Tell the Difference Between Joking and Abusive Joking
The true test of a joke is how it is received.
Jokes that make someone uncomfortable, hurt, or specifically target something they’ve asked not to discuss are weaponized, and they are toxic.
Going back to Sarah and Jack’s situation: for a man who enjoyed joking about his clothes and hadn’t expressed discomfort, Sarah’s comment might have seemed funny or endearing. But it became toxic because Sarah knew Jack was already anxious about attending the event, and she knew her comments about his clothing made him feel worse. Jack had told her he didn’t like those jokes and that they affected his ability to enjoy events—this is an outcome of weaponized joking: shame.
Responding to Weaponized Joking
It doesn’t matter how light the joke seems to the person making it; if the recipient doesn’t like it or feels uncomfortable, it is not okay.
If you experience or see weaponized joking employed against someone, use your voice to say something like, “Wow, that wasn’t very kind.” Pointing it out shows your disapproval of their behavior and your support for the one on the receiving end. It sends a message to both people that you don’t tolerate that behavior, making you a safe person.
In the example of Jack and Sarah, if you are an outsider and heard Sarah do that in public, it would be appropriate and helpful to say something like, “Really!? Jack always looks nice, and he looks handsome in his suit!”
It can be challenging to speak up at first, but as you become more familiar with the difference between harmless and weaponized joking, you will be equipped to call it out when you hear it, even when you are on the receiving end.
And, if you are witnessing it as an outsider, know that your voice makes a meaningful difference. Friends and family, more than law enforcement or therapists, often have the most significant impact on victims and abusers.
Thank you for publishing this. I have siblings, one older and one younger, who constantly joke around about my lack of food. I get self-conscious because it shows how much I can afford on my salary when I get thinner and thinner each day: My brother and my sister know my financial situation so that makes it even more hurtful. Like Jack in this scenario, I’m told I can’t take a joke and I’m being too sensitive, I was given a book as a gag to calm the fuck down, but I don’t think that was the appropriate response from my siblings to tease them. I love them both dearly but sometimes they can be a bit insensitive and inconsiderate.
Thanks for sharing this with us. You’re right, it’s not okay and demonstrates a lack of emotional awareness and maturity on their part. We never can be sure of why people do that and I’m sorry they’ve chosen this path. Sometimes, perhaps in response to the “you’re too sensitive”, try saying, “Stop judging me for expressing how your comments make me feel. I am setting a boundary that’s healthy for me and I’m asking you to respect that. Are you willing to do that for me?” If possible, remain calm when responding and state it simply and matter of fact but requiring an answer from them. Also, we are so sorry you are struggling financially right now. I hope you will be able to get the financial assistance you need to remain healthy.
What about when you confront the person and they dismiss and diminish your feelings? Then, they deflect. What does one do with all that resentment after 20 years?
Johnny, I am so sorry for what your going through. We understand the resentment. If you are able to do so, we recommend spending time with a therapist who specializes in abuse so you can learn the best ways to firmly set healthy boundaries. It’s possible, maybe even likely, that your partner will not change. However, it’s important to your personal growth and journey to learn to respond in a way that reflects self love and affirmation.
I am interested in knowing if my hurt feelings are validated or if I am being too sensitive. I have a 19 yo granddaughter who hasn’t been particularly loving towards me. Last night, I was at her home (my oldest daughter’s who is her mother). My youngest granddaughter came up to me as we were sitting at the table and said she loves me and I kissed her on her cheek. She laughed and asked, “Did you lick my ear?” She’s only 10 and was trying to be funny. I laughed and remarked “Do I look like a dog?” The 19 yo, while looking down at her phone, said “You don’t want to hear the answer to that.” When she saw the look of surprise on my face, she said “It was a joke!” I personally found it hurtful and disrespectful. Am I being overly sensitive or was it, as I feel, a snarky comment disguised as a joke?
Your feelings are valid, and you’re not being overly sensitive. The comment from your 19-year-old granddaughter was indeed hurtful and disrespectful, even if framed as a joke.
This situation fits the pattern of veiling unkind remarks as humor. While she may not have intended to cause harm, the impact was still hurtful. You are justified in feeling upset by this interaction.
In relationships, especially family ones, it’s important that humor doesn’t come at the expense of someone’s feelings or dignity. Your granddaughter’s remark crossed that line.
If you feel comfortable, you might consider having a calm conversation with her about how her words affected you. This could be an opportunity for growth in your relationship.
Sending you strength and care!
So my comment is not about joking, although I am a victim of this in my marriage. My question is about something that recently happened while we were out for my birthday. I am not on any kind of social media, I am rather shy and introverted. He knows that I do not at all enjoy being the center of attention or in any kind of limelight. With the biggest smile on his face, after we were finished eating, he told the waitress that it was my birthday. I kind of let it go and we ordered dessert. They came out with a candle in mine. I understand this was a nice gesture, typically, but this was a present wrapped up that was poisonous on the inside. In other words, his intention was ill. If you know, someone does not like the attention, then you should respect it and not draw attention to them
Thank you for sharing this experience—it’s clear how deeply this moment impacted you, and your ability to articulate it speaks volumes about your self-awareness and strength. I’m so sorry you were put in a position that left you feeling unseen and disrespected, especially on your birthday—a day that should have been about celebrating you in a way that felt safe and comfortable.
You’re absolutely right: when someone truly cares about us, they honor our boundaries and preferences, even in small ways. When those boundaries are disregarded—especially under the guise of something “nice” or “fun”—it can feel confusing and hurtful. What you described was not about the candle or the gesture itself, but the deeper message it sent: that your feelings weren’t prioritized. That kind of behavior can feel like a violation of trust, even if it’s framed as harmless or well-meaning.
It’s so important to trust your instincts in moments like these. You know your heart better than anyone, and if his intentions felt ill, that’s worth paying attention to. Covert forms of harm—like using humor or gestures to disregard your boundaries—are still harm, and your discomfort is valid.
If you’re looking for more clarity or tools to help you navigate these dynamics, I’d recommend starting with our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. Many of our students say it gave them the understanding they needed to see their situation more clearly and take meaningful steps toward healing. You can learn more here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
You deserve to feel heard and respected in all aspects of your life, and I hope you’ll continue to honor your feelings and take the next step in your journey with compassion for yourself. We’re here to walk alongside you.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I have jokes made about me and about my body from my mom she jokes alot about me not getting my period when I have suffered from and ED or how she can give love to someone else because they're semi normal while calling me fucked up. she makes jokes about death and dying. she makes joke about the how I'm too sensitive or how I have problems and who is she to blame when yes her relationship with family hasn't always been the best but when I need her I don't get support I get jokes either your being so sensitive or your pmsing. never accountability. just blames it all on me for taking it harshly when she already knew we had these problems from the get go. is this abuse?
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your experience. I want to acknowledge how painful it can feel to have someone, especially a parent, dismiss your feelings or use humor in a way that hurts rather than supports you. You are absolutely right to feel the weight of these interactions, and your feelings are valid.
What you’re describing—a pattern of hurtful joking, dismissal, and lack of accountability—can indeed fall into emotionally abusive behavior. When someone uses humor to deflect responsibility, undermine your emotions, or make you feel small, it’s not just “joking around.” It’s a way of avoiding meaningful connection and accountability. This can leave deep emotional wounds, especially when it happens in a relationship where you expect love and support.
It’s also important to note that the way your mom is treating you is not your fault. It sounds like she may be projecting her own unresolved pain or relational struggles onto you, but that doesn’t excuse the harm being caused. You deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care—especially when you’re vulnerable or need support.
Remember, you are not too sensitive. You are responding to behavior that hurts, and that’s a normal, human reaction. You are worthy of love, understanding, and relationships that nurture your wellbeing.
With Love,
Annette
Thank you for your generosity in replying to our messages. Things have been degrading in terms of language used by my partner, while things are escalated emotionally for them. When I have a hard day at work for example and I use a "short tone of voice" with them, they start raising their voice and ranting at me about how disrespectful I am being. So it feels like it goes from a 3-10. I acknowledge that I need to work on my tone, but they seem to think it is appropriate to retaliate by sending back something even worse. After one of those arguments, I was feeling shaken and upset, and after having made amends, they took my hand and massaged it, but along with the comment of "you spoiled little brat". It made me cry because it felt so invalidating. They got angry at my response, said that I was being overly emotional about a joke, and that I was saying they were a terrible person, even though I didn't even say anything other than "I wish you would just apologize rather than get angry". As I'm typing this, it becomes apparent I am with someone who is perhaps emotionally immature at the very least. I feel embarrassed to talk about it to friends and family, and I no longer have a therapist. I appreciate any feedback.
Thank you for your openness in sharing what you’re experiencing. It sounds like you’re navigating an incredibly challenging and invalidating dynamic, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion that can come with that.
What you describe—your partner escalating from a 3 to a 10 over a perceived slight, using demeaning language under the guise of a “joke,” and then turning your emotional response into a reason to get angry at you—are all concerning patterns. You’re noticing how their reactions shift responsibility away from their behavior and onto you, making it seem like your emotions or responses are the problem, rather than the harm they’re causing. That’s not fair, and it’s not okay.
It makes sense that this would leave you feeling shaken, especially when you’ve already made amends, and they respond not with care but with belittling words. Jokes that hurt are not jokes—they’re passive-aggressive ways of expressing contempt while avoiding accountability. And when someone invalidates your feelings or tells you how you should respond, it only deepens the wound.
You deserve to be in relationships where your emotions are respected, where disagreements don’t spiral into disproportionate retaliation, and where repair is rooted in genuine care—not more harm disguised as humor. You are not overreacting or being “overly emotional” for wanting kindness and respect. It’s understandable that you feel embarrassed discussing this with others, but please know—you’re not alone, and you’re not the problem here.
Since you are questioning yourself, I highly recommend that you take our self-paced course Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships: https://themendproject.com/finding-clarity-and-healing-curriculum..It’s only four modules with about one hour of reading per module and a one to two-hour recorded session with me each module. Many graduates tell us the course saved them about a year of therapy and jump-started their healing journey. It’s designed specifically for people who are in your shoes. If you cannot afford the $59.00 you can apply for a scholarship. I hope you will take it.
If you can, continue trusting what you’re noticing. The discomfort you feel is an important signal, and your clarity about what’s happening is a powerful step toward protecting your well-being. You deserve relationships where your voice, emotions, and boundaries are honored. Be kind to yourself as you process all of this, and know that what you’re feeling is valid.
With care,
Annette
I had a few narcissistic and abusive relationships in the past and I tried to work through it with counselling, self help and self care in order to avoid them in the future. 2 months ago I started a new relationship which so far seems helathy and loving but I noticed some red flags that I am concerned about and not sure how to react to. As great as he is in general, he sometimes makes comments about me that are offensive and when I say I do not like it, he says it is just a joke. I was being put down with my previous partners and I do not want this behaviour to continue or get worse. What would be the best thing to do? Does it look like I am again putting myself in a situation that is potentially toxic or abusive?
Hi Angie, I’m sorry your partner is making jokes at your expense. Please know that these types of jokes are the first sign of an abusive relationship. A healthy joke is something that requires intellect. A joke at someone’s expense is a cheap way to put the other person down. Then they gaslight you by telling you it was just a joke as though you’re the one with the problem being too sensitive. What you are describing is a HUGE red flag. A loving person who is healthy wants to build you up and never put you down. Why does he think putting you down is so funny? It’s rather telling. These offenders begin with jokes but it slowly escalates much more than that. I would tell him directly that you will not tolerate small mindedness and put downs. I hope you will exit this relationship and not give him any more of your time. It is so smart that you picked up on this. Your prior experiences have informed you. Listen to your gut. Take good care of yourself. You are your best advocate. Big hugs, Annette
Thank you for this article!
It shines a light on this type of topic, I have came across these types of people on a less popular controversial social media app, they had targeted me by making jokes about me publicly on this social media app, they would joke about how I’m misogynistic, horrible/bad, delusional, sensitive etc.
The one person in this group would request private messaging to continue to throw those jokes at me, and simply discriminate my nationality too as a joke.
They don’t see harm in their jokes, they see it as just jokes, how their jokes are only for the good, when they are trying to harm me, tear my reputation down, to get people against me by saying these jokes, and others believed these jokes which is not good.
They would consider that there just jokes and how I’m just sensitive, and joke about how I’m lying, joking about my profile/mocking my profile, jokes about my interests, including peer pressuring me to accept what they are doing to me.
I left this controversial app to protect myself, and kept practicing online safety after that situation!
Hi,
I’m glad you understand that joking at your expense is not nice or helpful. In fact, it’s harmful. Continue to care well for yourself. Warmly, Annette
I wasn't the one that was joking, it was other people that were creating jokes about me
I think you misunderstood my response.
Want to make this clear, I wasn’t the one who was making these jokes, I felt like you misunderstood my story on receiving toxic jokes, it was at their expense, it was not at my expense.
Since I was the one receiving these toxic jokes.
Can you please understand cause there was a misunderstanding.
Hi there,
I’m sorry there seems to be a misunderstanding. I do understand your story and that you were a victim of toxic joking. That’s why I used the term, “joking at your expense.” The phrase means that you were on the receiving end of the jokes and you were the one who was harmed. I hope that helps. Warmly, Annette
My husband and his best friend do this all the time. They’re in their late 40s but everyone thinks it’s childish after the 10th time. My husband will say multiple things that aren’t acceptable then when I call him out on it, he always states “ im only joking you know that “ when I reply, no you’re being nasty and hide that behind a joke he says to me I have no sense of humour. Being 55 and with him 12 years I’d never come across this before, seemingly he’s got Autism & ADHD more he is being assessed.
I find it irritates me now – many things he says and his 2 friends are insulting to each each & my husband to me. I notice my husbands friend was exceptionally awful to his new girlfriend that he had left his wife for calling her racist manes out loud them come back with “ im joking “ my husband thought it real funny in a packed pub when theses ‘ jokes’ were given out very loudly.
I thought this personality type had an actual name but what I gain from this is realising these people are really just abusive & all I hear mainly is them calling each other a fat c**t in many different scenario's.
These people seem to never grown out of horrible teenager ‘ banter ‘ I’ve been asked numerous times how do o put up with my husband the way he ‘ jokes’ about everything – my husband replies to them that you lot simply don’t have a sense of humour.
The worst thing my husband stated was “ I’m only joiking” was we went fur drinks got back really late and he wanted food and he said to me whilst I cooked for him “ you’re just a c**t as you all are I haven’t – which wasn’t true. With that I simply switched off all the gas walked out the room didn’t responde & went to bed. It now causes daily bickering with me explaining it’s not acceptable and saying he’s hurtful.
Hi there. I feel deep compassion for you as no person deserves to be treated this way, the bunt of the jokes. Everything you describe about your husband demonstrates extreme immaturity and a low emotional IQ. When you confront him about his behavior he blames you. This is typical narcissistic behavior. He has his equally immature friends to validate that what he is doing is acceptable. The foul language he uses around you and at you is also abusive. Please go to our website and click on Tools and Resources. Look for The Pillars of Abuse. I believe you will find numerous things to describe the way your husband thinks and believes that qualify as abuse. Please take really good care of yourself and consider leaving so you can live out the remaining portion of your life experiencing emotional and physical health and well-being. Big hugs, Annette