Research shows financial abuse is common in domestic violence. In fact, 99% of all domestic violence cases involve financial abuse. And its impact is profound!
Financial abuse is one of the main reasons women stay in an abusive relationship or go back to their abusive partner if they have attempted to leave. They are concerned they will not be able to provide for themselves or their children.
This article highlights what you need to know about financial abuse.
You will learn:
What is Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse occurs when one person controls another's ability to acquire, use, and maintain economic resources.
It isn’t often talked about and rarely makes headlines. However, this form of abuse is pervasive.
One study found that of 103 women surveyed, only one had not experienced domestic abuse that did not include financial abuse, coercion, and control.
Similar to covert emotional abuse, financial abuse can be challenging to identify. The person being abused may believe their partner's exercise of strong control over their finances is an act of care or love. They might not recognize the extraordinary financial control being exerted is abuse.
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The awareness that something is wrong often does not come until they realize that they can’t afford necessities for themselves or their children or when they need to leave their partner but can’t because they have been cut off from the finances that would facilitate their departure.
Financial abuse affects individuals of all socio-economic backgrounds, including men and women of all ages. And it can present itself in multiple ways.
Common Signs of Financial Abuse
Here are some common signs that may indicate financial abuse:
Males and females experiencing abuse can find it challenging to leave their abuser, and it becomes increasingly more difficult when financial abuse is involved.
Knowing what to look for can be helpful!
What Financial Abuse Looks Like in Relationships
How can the common signs of financial abuse present themselves within a relationship? What does it look like?
Here are some examples:
Those experiencing financial abuse find it challenging to leave. They feel they lack the means to get out, and with the abuse, it can become increasingly overwhelming, even frightening. This is the goal of the abuser. They will lie, manipulate, and demean their partner to maintain control so the one being harmed feels powerless to leave.
Post-Separation Financial Abuse
When the survivor courageously leaves and has successfully and safely distanced themselves, it’s possible they can be met with another layer of financial abuse.
This can happen in various ways, such as through dragged-out divorce and custody proceedings or not paying child support when children are involved.
It’s not uncommon during divorce proceedings for the abuser to request continuances to drag out the court process. Or if they enter settlement negotiations, it may seem like a resolution is taking place, but then they refuse to sign the agreement at the last minute.
This increases attorney’s fees and drains finances, sabotaging the ability to maintain legal counsel and forcing a settlement with unfair terms.
Later, despite court orders, the abuser may refuse to pay child support, using this to retaliate and control the other person, who may then need to seek the help and support of others.
There are so many ways an abuser can impose financial abuse. We’ve highlighted a few here. Now, let’s take a look at a real-life financial abuse survivor’s story.
A Survivor’s Story
Until I left him, I really had no idea that how my husband was treating me concerning the handling of our finances was considered abusive.
He told me early on in our relationship that I didn’t need to work and that I should quit my job. But I liked my job, so I refused to quit.
That’s when he told me to sign over my paychecks to him.
I thought he was trying to care well for our family by managing our money; it was one of the ways he tried to love me. Little did I know that it was simply a way to control me. He kept separate accounts for each of us, and I was required to pay for certain things out of “my” account, which was limited in funds.
He refused to show me his pay stubs even though I was required to show mine to him. All bank statements, utility bills, mortgage statements, and credit card statements went to his office, so I never saw them.
He said it was easier to handle the accounting from the office. Once, he wanted us to go on an expensive vacation overseas, but I told him I couldn’t afford that out of my funds. So he purchased the tickets out of other funds he referred to as “his.”
Once we were on our trip, he made me beg him to buy me a bottle of water because “my” funds were depleted by household expenses, and then he mocked me for not being able to pay, calling me “pathetic.”
Meanwhile, he bought two fully loaded Porsche Cayennes without discussing it with me. The cars would just show up in our driveway.
Clearly, “his” account was far greater than mine.
In retrospect, I now see how stressed and dehumanized I felt by the way he treated me through financial control during our marriage. I began unraveling what was happening when I accidentally found out that he opened two credit cards in my name without my consent and charged large amounts on them.
When I confronted him about it, he got furious with me.
I later learned that he also racked up extensive credit card debt of his own without my knowledge. He even maxed out the credit cards he cosigned with his siblings.
He spent money frivolously and refused my request that we save for retirement until his CPA finally convinced him to do so. Meanwhile, he mocked me for contributing to a Roth IRA and a 401k from my paycheck.
Behind my back, he manipulated our revocable living trust to disinherit our eldest son, his scapegoat. He refused to purchase life insurance but demanded he be listed as the beneficiary on the life insurance I paid for out of my funds to care for our children in the event of my untimely death.
I didn’t realize what he was doing was abusive until I left and got help for the other forms of abuse my children and I experienced.
Unfortunately, the financial abuse did not stop when we separated. Since filing for divorce, he has managed to keep the financial control over me in play. He has repeatedly dragged me back to court for frivolous and unnecessary proceedings.
He is forging his personal business debt as community debt through fake promissory notes and inflating other expenses and debt at the same time he is discounting the profitability of his mostly cash business, among other things.
He bankrupted himself and his first wife during their divorce, and I expect he’s trying to do the same with me. I hope he doesn’t win, but I don’t know how long I can afford to play this game.
Am I Experiencing Financial Abuse?
The story this survivor shares is not unique among the testimonies we hear from so many who experience financial abuse.
To know whether financial abuse is happening in your relationship, answering these questions may help:
As you consider these questions and your relationship and you discover financial abuse may exist, there are steps you can take to protect yourself right away.
Depending on the dynamics of your relationship, you may need to reach out to a domestic violence agency or a DV advocate to help you discern whether or not it’s best to discuss your requests with your partner.
If it’s safe to do so, you can let your partner know it’s essential that you become knowledgeable about the family assets and expenditures in case anything should happen to either of you.
You can ask them to show you your name is on all accounts.
You can express that it is important to you to work with them on a family budget and want to be more involved with your resources.
If they are unwilling to meet your requests and you don’t currently have a job that can support you, you may want to consider getting one if you are able.
You will learn a lot by how your partner responds to these decisions.
Ultimately, if you don’t feel safe having these conversations with your partner, it is likely you are experiencing financial or other forms of abuse.
If this is the case, then what can you do?
How to Move Forward if You Are Experiencing Financial Abuse
If you decide to leave the relationship, there are several steps we believe are essential to take beforehand.
First, it would be valuable for you to seek counsel from a domestic violence shelter’s legal division before leaving the relationship, if possible. They can guide you toward the best first steps before or when you leave.
They can also help you identify documents you might need and ways to access them, which can often be easier to do when you are still with them under the same roof. This is especially true if you share children with the person abusing you.
You may also consider contacting an attorney for an initial consultation when ready.
Along with the above, at a minimum, you will want to make copies of any recent bank or credit card statements and health, auto, or life insurance policies you can access. You can store them at a friend’s house or in a safe deposit box where your partner will not find them.
Take birth certificates, passports, marriage certificates, and any other original documents you might need to live independently.
Identify one or two family members whom you know you can trust and start coming up with a savings plan, even if it’s small, in case you need to leave the relationship. Make sure you do so in a new, separate account.
You also may identify a place you can stay while you are in transition, even if it means sleeping on a couch at a trustworthy friend’s house or a domestic violence shelter.
Your safety is of primary importance.
To summarize, here are the steps again:
Final Thoughts
These challenging relationships have roots of manipulation and control, making it seem impossible to leave.
While we understand it feels that way, we want you to know there is hope!
There is a way out, and there are people who can and will help you get back on your feet.
If you are a responder walking alongside someone facing financial abuse, understanding financial abuse yourself will help you offer compassionate support as they struggle with what to do themselves. Being knowledgeable will enable the victim to trust you as they consider leaving the abusive situation.
Feel free to share or use this information to encourage and help them on their journey to freedom, healing, and restoration.
it happens so subtle am i right… my wife said to me oh dont worry ill just make sure all the bills are paid and ill budget our bank account… then it was hey im going to manage your bills and my bills but will just have the money go into my account to make it easier… sweet mother of god
Gosh, John, it really is subtle. Afterwards many victims feel “stupid” for not noticing and doing something earlier. But that’s the issue with covert abuse – it is very subtle, hard to identify and understand. I am so sorry you have been through this and we hope you are finding clarity and strength in the stories, and our blogs.