You’re Ready to Leave Your Abusive Relationship, But How?

Deciding whether and how to leave an abusive relationship may be the toughest choice an abuse victim makes in their life. Every situation is complicated by different variables, and it is not uncommon for the victim to stay in their abusive situation longer than their loved ones would expect them to as a result of the often unseen challenges they face.

Unfortunately, the discussion about abuse and domestic violence can often become oversimplified and ignore the complexity of real-life situations. Oftentimes in abusive relationships, victims may identify a number of obstacles they believe prevent them from leaving, making the decision extremely difficult. To understand more about why women or men do not leave their abusers, take a look at our blogs “Why Women Stay in an Abusive Relationship” and “Why Men Won’t Leave Their Abuser” they are linked in the resources below.

There comes a point when a victim of ongoing intimate partner violence knows it is time to leave the relationship notwithstanding perceived obstacles. For some, the abuse may have escalated so much that they fear for their life and know they must leave to save it. For others, perhaps the abuse was directed at their children, and for the first time that became the final straw. Or maybe the victim barely sees the shadow of their former self, the one that was there before life with their abuser. Now, all they see is a life full of pain, confusion, physical illness, and/or extreme mental fatigue. Whatever the reason why, they have reached the decision that they need to leave. But how?

If this is you, first, think about what you would do if you leave. Devise a concrete plan of your next steps and how you will safely exit the relationship. This guide provides valuable first steps you may consider taking if you are making a tangible plan of action to leave the abuse. (Note: If you are in an immediate crisis, please find safe shelter first.)

1. Compile your Valuables

In the same way that you would create a comprehensive packing list when preparing for a long trip, one must take careful consideration in gathering all the important material assets they may need to safely escape their abusive relationship. Some must-have items to include in your getaway bag are financial records, such as bank or credit card statements, housing documents such as rental agreements or the deed, the title or paperwork for your vehicle, and written copies of all pertinent phone numbers or addresses you may need to access. Remember, if your partner has authority on your accounts, they might change passwords or transfer funds as soon as they see you have left. You should not rely on electronic access to your accounts, unless you are certain your partner cannot limit that access.

Additionally, if you have children you would like to remove from the abusive situation, ensure to have copies of their birth certificates, Social Security cards, health insurance cards, passports, and immigration papers, if applicable.

2. Protect your Privacy

Unfortunately, it is common for a controlling abuser to monitor their partner’s location, phone, or internet search history, with or without your knowledge. In fact, many domestic violence agencies offer a free service to remove spyware from your phone or other devices so that victims’ locations cannot be traced. If this is your current situation, remember that any healthy partner should always respect your privacy and boundaries, but abusers often do not. We have seen that if an abusive partner finds out their victim is thinking of leaving, the abuse could escalate to very dangerous proportions. Remember, when seeking help, it is crucial to stay discrete but still persistent in your goal.

It is advisable to change your phone if possible. Use an old unlisted number, buy a prepaid disposable phone, or ask a trusted friend or family member if you can borrow theirs when you need to make a call. This will help to ensure that the abuser cannot track you via phone records. Additionally, an abusive partner might want to feel in control by keeping tabs on your emails and account information, so make sure to spy-proof accounts by changing passwords or choose lengthy and undetectable passwords not related to you or easily guessed by someone who knows you.

You can also seek to protect your access to finances by canceling old bank accounts or credit cards. If you previously shared an account with your partner, open a new account under your name, and call your bank to remove yourself from credit card liability that may be misused by your abusive partner. Moving forward you might consider using and a different bank. Furthermore, if you are unable to move far away from your partner, change your routine. Old routes to school, work, or commonplaces may need to be replaced by a different path or different times of the day. Finally, keep protective measures on you at all times, and always have your cell phone with you in case of an emergency to call 911.

Your privacy and safety matters and is essential before, during, and after leaving toxic relationships. To stay protected, it might be necessary to relocate, start a new routine, and get rid of any old information which could be used to track or stalk you.

3. Prepare to Make a Quick Exit

Planning out even the smallest of details could help you be ready to leave your abusive situation safely. Since it is not possible to anticipate the unexpected, it is best to plan for it rather than taking the risk of not having a way out when you need it most.

To begin, make a habit of backing your vehicle into your driveway when parking, always keeping it fueled, and if possible with up-to-date maintenance checks. Another way is to create plausible reasons and routines that have you leaving the house during different points of the day. This will help give you believable reasons to leave when the time is right. To make leaving spontaneously easier, consider asking a trusted friend or family member if you can go to their home when the time to leave is right. That way, you know where you will go when the opportunity to leave arises.

4. Seek Shelter at a Domestic Violence Center

If you have suffered from physical abuse from your partner, a domestic violence center is one of the best resources available, full of trained professionals who are ready and willing to assist and protect you. They can offer childcare, counseling services, support groups, employment programs, financial assistance, educational opportunities, and more. The center will ensure you are safe and that your privacy is protected during your stay and when you are ready to move on.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not an easy feat but rather a huge victory worthy of admiration as it takes great strength physically, mentally and emotionally. Navigating a situation where abuse is involved is always challenging and varied. Please know it is okay if you do not have all the answers or if you do not feel comfortable making a decision yet. We have created a guide that provides helpful questions to consider if you are contemplating whether or not to remain in your relationship: “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” These tips along with the resources we provide in the footnotes of this blog provide some universal starting points for safely exiting your abusive relationship.

These tips are just a starting point. You know your situation best and have the intuition to know how best to move forward. Please reach out to your trusted support, even if it’s just one individual, for help along the way when appropriate.

As first responders, the best way to support a victim is to be available to them by walking alongside them throughout their journey. There is rarely a simple solution to leaving an abusive relationship, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. At times, people can be rightfully very concerned and, thus, hasty in trying to convince a victim to leave their situation. But ultimately, it’s important that decision is up to the individual experiencing abuse. For more information visit http://www.themendproject.com or contact us through social media.

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