Could You Be In an Abusive Relationship and Not Know It?

It’s common for people to think solely of physical violence when thinking about intimate partner violence. However, not all abuse is obvious. Subtle forms of abuse can go undetected for months, sometimes even years or decades, because they’re hard to recognize or describe. This type of abuse is known as covert emotional abuse.

In this guide, you will learn:

Clarity is essential.

Let’s explore why.

Why Is Covert Emotional Abuse Hard To Identify?

Unkind or selfish behavior can occasionally happen in any relationship and might even be overlooked. You might dismiss these actions because your partner has a stressful job or is dealing with other life challenges.

However, when these behaviors become regular patterns, you may begin to feel the impact.

Perhaps you’ve been led to believe everything that goes wrong is your fault. 

Or your partner makes jokes at your expense.

Or maybe they minimize experiences or feelings that are meaningful to you.

In the back of your mind, you know something is not right, but you are not sure how to describe what’s happening. And you may wonder if it’s cause for concern. It can be difficult to imagine that your loved one may be manipulating you. You feel confused and stressed. 

If this sounds familiar, it may be a sign of an abusive relationship.

Prolonged covert abuse can cause emotional and psychological harm, trauma, and even physical illness. It is considered one of the most destructive forms of abuse because of its impact on one’s perceptions, memories, thinking, and, ultimately, mental well-being.

Covert forms of abuse are commonly mistaken for communication problems in a relationship. However, when those affected cannot define what they are experiencing, the situation is far more serious.

The first step to healing is clarity—learning to identify and name the abusive behavior.

When you can identify what is happening in your relationship, you become empowered. You can then take the necessary steps to get the support you need.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Below is a list of common forms of covert emotional abuse. Any one of these behaviors repeated in a pattern is destructive to a relationship. Often, when abuse is present in a relationship, several of these behaviors are employed. If you recognize any of the below behaviors in your relationship, it may indicate signs of an abusive relationship.

Let’s look at some types of abuse in relationships:

Blame-Shifting

Your partner habitually places the full responsibility of a problem onto you by manipulating the truth. Issues are often one-sided. If there is a persistent pattern of blaming, domestic violence may be present. In reverse blaming, the person may shift the concerns or corrections of the other person back onto them: “If you’d stop doing… then I wouldn’t …,” or they may claim that you are too sensitive.

Broken Promises

Your partner makes promises to do certain things or to change and then denies ever making those promises, refuses to keep them, or says they forgot.

Cover-ups

Your partner may attempt to prevent people from discovering the truth about their behavior or actions. They do a small amount of good to cover up a large amount of harm. For example, they may volunteer in the community or give gifts to cover up destructive behaviors behind closed doors.

Crazy-Making Behaviors

Your partner intentionally distorts reality to make you feel confused. This typically includes a mix of passive-aggressive behaviors that are meant to deflect and avoid taking responsibility.

Creating a Cloud of Confusion

Your partner tells false and exaggerated stories to third parties to undermine objectivity and manipulate outcomes, usually at your expense.

Deflection

Your partner refuses to communicate honestly. They might control what can be discussed, withhold information, change the topic, or invent a false argument. These tactics are used to deflect and avoid resolution.

Denial

Your partner refuses to accept personal responsibility by living a false reality. While denial can be a defense mechanism, in the context of covert abuse, it is used as a form of manipulation to dismiss abuse is happening.

Disavowal

Your partner belittles and devalues the importance of their abusive behavior, as well as your thoughts and feelings, to avoid the impact of their abusive behavior.

Entitlement

Your partner places unrealistic demands on you, based on the belief that they deserve special privileges or treatment at your expense. They may not value you while having an inflated sense of self-worth.

Faux Confusion/Abusive Forgetting

This form of manipulation is when your partner pretends to be confused or conveniently "forgets" the problems or promises they made, creating fake confusion to achieve their desired outcome.

False Accusations

Your partner may state a negative lie about you to put you on the defense and divert focus from their destructive behavior. They may make false accusations against you. These accusations often show up as unexpected attacks based on fictional conversations or situations, designed to catch you off guard and shift responsibility away from themselves.

Gaslighting

Your partner alters or denies shared reality to confuse you, make you doubt yourself, question your sanity, or feel "crazy." They may tell you that your perception of reality is incorrect and that others will not believe or support you.

Withholding

One of the most toxic forms of abuse, withholding involves your partner refusing to communicate, listen, or rejoice in your good fortune. It includes withholding affection, respect, and support.

Any of the above behaviors, when repeated in a pattern, can be destructive to a relationship. 

Multiple Patterns Can Be Even More Confusing and Harmful

While everyone can act in unhealthy ways occasionally, when those who abuse are confronted with their behavior they may become more defensive or even escalate the behavior.

Understanding the signs of abuse in your relationship and being able to name them specifically will bring clarity, help you process, and propel you on your healing journey. 

You will be empowered to take steps to transform your relationship and your life by getting the help and support you need and deserve!