Abuse can be subtle and slowly wedge a destructive divide between couples.
Subtle, hidden forms of abuse are called Covert Emotional Abuse (CEA).
Dismissing is one tactic covert abusers use to avoid authentic connection and attempt to have power over their partner.
In this article, we are going to unpack this tactic. We’ll highlight:
Let’s have a look!
Dismissive Behavior in Relationships
What is dismissing?
As its name implies, dismissing occurs when a person disregards his or her partner’s:
Note:
This can happen in any relationship, such as between parents and children, intimate partners, or among friends.
Dismissing is used to diminish the victim’s value. Like gaslighting, dismissing communicates to the victim that they are not seen or worthy of consideration.
The result of this is devastating.
After a victim is repeatedly dismissed, they become numb to their self-worth and shut down, believing their ideas, wants, needs, and feelings are invalid.
A healthy partner would not want this to happen and would instead work toward understanding and listening to their spouse’s feelings and requests.
An abusive partner who continually perpetuates this behavior is causing great harm to the person they are called to love.
Dismissing qualifies as emotional abuse.
To gain a clear picture of what this behavior can look like, let’s have a look at a few examples:
What Dismissive Behavior in Relationships Looks Like
Consider the following scenarios to gain deeper insight into the covert tactic of “dismissing” and to identify whether you are experiencing this CEA behavior or know someone who is.
Dismissing Feelings
Cam arrived home one night and told his wife, Kerry, about the plans he made for the two of them to go sailing on his new business partner’s boat the next morning. Kerry became anxious immediately.
She had told him multiple times of her intense fear of sailing.
Yet, he had made plans with his new partner and her husband without asking her.
She knew it would be embarrassing to Cam if she made him back out at the last minute because of her fear. Still, she bravely said, “Cam, you know I’m terrified of sailing; I really don’t want to do that.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he told her. “I’m not canceling. You’ll be fine.”
In one fell swoop, Cam completely dismissed his wife’s feelings.
Ignoring Requests for Support
As his girlfriend was heading out the door for a walk, Jerry found out his parents were on their way to the house to talk with him.
He had a very strained relationship with them, and seeing them caused him incredible stress.
He shared with his partner the anxiety he was feeling about their visit and his hope that she would stay home while they were over. “I really don’t want to do this alone,” he told her.
Without a word, she rolled her eyes at him, turned, and left the house to go on her walk.
Her response made Jerry feel so stupid for wanting to have her support.
Can you see how Jerry was dismissed?
Let’s look at one more example:
Scoffing and Withholding Reassurance
Jackie and her fiance, Jim, returned from a weekend retreat for engaged couples.
She was unsettled in her stomach for the last half of the weekend, but she just couldn’t pinpoint what was bothering her.
On the car ride home, she realized she had felt insecure in her relationship with her fiance and needed affirmation. She felt embarrassed to bring this up with him.
After all, they are getting married, and she “should” feel secure in that. But as they pulled into her neighborhood, she decided to let him know she needed a little love and affirmation.
“Jim,” she began. “This feels so silly because we are engaged, but I was feeling a little insecure this weekend, and I just wanted to say that I think I need a little affirmation of your love for me.”
Jim threw his head back and laughed. “Jackie, you’re kidding, right?! I am engaged to you, aren’t I? How can you feel insecure?”
Without another word, he opened his door, got out of the car, and pulled her bag out of the backseat.
Jackie tried to smile but walked up to her place feeling even more unsettled. She realized this was why she had been feeling off all weekend. He had done this to her many times before and had shamed her for her feelings of insecurity.
Does this seem familiar?
Unfortunately, the negative effects of dismissing can be destructive in a relationship.
And, as always, victims are deeply affected.
Access Free Resources to Aid Your Healing Journey
Take the next steps to clarity and healing from unhealthy relationship patterns with our exclusive printables and free trainings. As you explore these resources, you’ll also receive updates on our free monthly workshops for ongoing support and encouragement.
What Dismissive Behavior in Relationships Looks Like
When dismissing is used regularly, the victim feels emotionally unsafe with their partner, even in their own home. This makes home a place of confusion and anxiety instead of peace.
Victims feel they need to safeguard their hearts from their intimate partner because they learn that their own experiences, feelings, wants, and needs won’t be valued or protected by their partner.
In doing this, victims begin to stuff their true feelings, needs, and thoughts down deep.
Ultimately, this leads to victims losing their identity and even their ability to recognize their own value.
Conclusion
Often, the one who is harmed through covert abuse doesn’t understand how damaging the behavior is and its long-lasting impact.
That’s why The MEND Project educates on covert abuse.
The education found in our affordable flagship course brings to all those impacted by covert abuse allows them to recognize and name the harmful behaviors, empowering them to take their next steps toward recovery and healing if they choose to do so.
You are worthy of being heard and valued in your relationships!