Victims of Any Age: The Link between Covert Emotional Abuse and Child Abuse

Many images come to mind when we think of child abuse.

Some imagine:

• A child in foster care who was abused by their biological or adoptive parent
• Physical or sexual abuse
• The numerous news stories of child molestation in an institutional setting by someone the child and family trusted – a camp counselor, a Boy Scout leader, a pastor, a teacher, a mentor, or a coach.

And some may have personal experience with child abuse.

But how often do we identify one of the most damaging forms of child maltreatment, covert emotional abuse, as abuse?

It isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind.

Yet, it’s so important for people to understand that covert emotional abuse is a form of child abuse that is happening all around us, not just on the news or within the families of children within the foster care system.

Here we will look at:

Covert Emotional Child Abuse Is Hard To Identify

Our team at MEND encounters more and more people who come to realize in their adult years that the many health and psychological issues they have battled against for years, such as autoimmune disorders, depression, anxiety, and lack of self-worth, to name a few, are a result of covert emotional abuse they experienced as a child, often through the actions of their narcissistic parent.

The challenging thing with this form of emotional abuse is that it is so hard to identify – as compared to physical or sexual abuse, which are overt forms of abuse.

Because it’s often covert, we might not recognize it as abuse until years later, when the effects of it are firmly within us.

Also, the typical responder or mandated reporter, such as a teacher, is not trained to identify it and might not feel compelled to report it.

From the child’s perspective, covert abuse is so subtle that they grow up believing it’s normal, that perhaps all parents do these things to get their children to act a certain way, or that feeling bad is just a part of life and, if anything, it’s likely happening because there must be something is wrong with themselves, or surely their parent wouldn’t treat them this way.

And the child keeps trying harder to perform perfectly in their parent’s eyes.

As parents, when we are being honest, we can acknowledge that we have made mistakes in our parenting and harmed our children through the minimization, belittling, or other unhealthy behaviors discussed below.

By educating ourselves on covert abusive behaviors, we can learn ways to prevent unintentional harm to our children.

That is a healthy person’s response when they discover something they have said or done is detrimental.

An abuser, however, takes much more than that to come to the point where they are willing or even believe they must change, and many never arrive at that place.

Covert Child Abuse Defined

An emotionally abusive parent uses various covert tactics regularly to maintain control and power over the child in their care and deny personal culpability Abuse is the way they manage their life, objectify their children, and maintain total control.

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior aimed to weaken the victim’s emotional state by causing fear, humiliation, confusion, shame, or through insulting or denigrating the victim.

Over time the victim loses their sense of reality and believes they are the problem, weakening the victim while empowering the abuser.

Covert emotional abuse is an insidious form of psychological abuse that is extremely hard to identify but potently effective.

Examples of Covert Emotional Abuse

Take a look at these four types of behaviors that are abusive:

• Belittling
• Minimization
• Undermining
• Withholding
• Overt emotional abuse

Belittling

Belittling amounts to words or actions that make their target feel small, unimportant, or inferior, such as through criticisms, harmful joking at the victim’s expense, or trivializing.

This tactic often takes place in private and becomes a pattern over time.

It can become even more powerful when done publicly, adding shame and embarrassment for the child.

For example, when a child accidentally spills a cup of milk and their parent says, “You’re such a clutz.”

One time, we might dismiss it as sarcastic joking with the child or mild irritation at the inconvenience of having to clean up the spilled milk.

On the other hand…

If that same parent makes belittling comments to the child regularly – when they spill something, drop their crayons, trip, or do anything contrary to the parent’s expectation – the child will begin to believe they are intrinsically flawed or worthless.

Often making comments like, “You’re so dumb,” “You’re such a clutz” or “What a crybaby” successfully wears the child down, weakens their emotional state, creates insecurity within them, and devalues their self-worth.

Each of these effects leads to the child not trusting their own perspectives, which negatively interrupts their emotional development.

Minimization

Minimization is a classic tactic parents use, especially when they are tired. It is a form of belittling through which the victim’s values are deemed unimportant and results in killing their confidence, creativity, and individuality.

For example, when a child wakes up after having a nightmare and comes into their parent’s room crying and the parent says, “It’s just a dream, silly, go back to bed,” that is minimization.

The fear the child has been feeling has been immediately dismissed and ignored, and the child is left dealing with the fear on their own and trying not to be fearful because they have just learned fear is something they are not supposed to feel.

Undermining

Undermining is a sneaky way to squelch joy, effort, creativity, or ideas that could bring positive attention to the victim.

For example, when a child makes a special gift for their dad, and mom says, “Oh my gosh – what is that? I can’t even tell what it is.”

Or, perhaps the child tries to do an act of service by cleaning up the kitchen, but the mom’s response instead of, “Thank you” is, “Oh, great, you couldn’t even do this right. So now I’m going to have to do it myself.”

Withholding

Withholding is a refusal to communicate, listen, or rejoice in one’s good fortune. It’s a refusal to express love or affirmation as a form of punishment and a way to control the victim.

For example, when a parent says, “I don’t want to hug you now” after a child has done something to upset the parent.

When that parent continues to ignore the child for extended amounts of time, gives them the silent treatment, and refuses any physical form of affection or affirmation toward the child, it is abuse.

These are some examples of covert forms of emotional abuse.

Overt Emotional Abuse

There are also more overt forms of emotional abuse such as yelling, name calling, insulting, or threatening violence, even if the threat is never carried out.

Final Thoughts

Any of these covert or overt behaviors in a pattern is abuse. All are harmful in isolation even if technically not abusive.

The more we recognize the harm that our words and actions can cause, the more likely we are to change our behavior. That said, many abusers refuse to recognize (or care) that their behavior is harmful and will choose not to change.

If you are concerned that emotional abuse is taking place, we encourage you to take a look at the terms of covert behaviors found on our website.

Many therapists and other responders use this list of terms with their clients to help them see on their own behaviors they might be experiencing or performing.

Become familiar with these terms and consider sharing them with your friends. If you do, the best way to go about it is to share with them how helpful this tool has been in your parenting, or in helping you approve communications within an important relationship you have.

This will avoid putting them on the defense.

These terms and definitions might give them the clarity they need to understand behaviors that are harmful to their children.

You will also find our Healing Model of Compassion and Accountability Model of Courage helpful as you walk alongside someone who is being harmed or who is causing harm.

If you need additional information or would like to go through one of our trainings, please sign up. To find out more, click the link in our resources section.