Is there someone in your life who refuses to communicate or listen? Or refuses to give you their love or affection? Or maybe they refuse to celebrate you or your good fortune?
If you have ever experienced or felt these things in your relationship, you may have experienced withholding, which is an extremely damaging type of emotional abuse.
Today, we are going to help you understand this tactic more deeply. You will learn:
Withholding: What Is It?
Withholding is when someone refuses to communicate, listen, or rejoice in one’s good fortune as punishment. The abusive partner intentionally will not give what their partner wants or needs. It is one of the most toxic and damaging forms of emotional abuse.
Many think of withholding as refusing to give love and affection. While this is one example of how withholding is employed in a relationship, it is not the only.
A common form of withholding is when someone tries to control or dominate another person by refusing to communicate or listen.
The abuser who withholds does so as a means of using their affection, their attention, and their presence as a weapon against you. It is extremely damaging and destructive.
That said, I want to highlight a very important note: A spouse or partner who refuses to show affection without offering an explanation is certainly withholding an important and needed aspect of a healthy relationship, yet:
Refraining from affection because you do not feel comfortable or do not trust the other person is a healthy form of boundary-setting. This should not be confused with withholding, which is intentionally done to control or dominate.
There are many more ways withholding can manifest.
Examples of Withholding Include:
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
If so, we know how deeply painful withholding feels, and we want to assure you that once you identify it is happening, you can deal with it properly.
Why Is Withholding Affection So Damaging?
Open communication and transparency between partners are building blocks for a healthy and thriving relationship.
When a partner withholds in any capacity, it can make you feel ignored or isolated.
It is incredibly painful because you cannot change the situation, and you can’t force someone to change or stop this behavior; it’s their choice to withhold. Your only real option for relief may be to leave.
Each instance sends a harmful message to someone who feels stuck in a relationship where withholding is happening: “You don’t deserve to be treated well.”
But this is not true. You DO deserve to be treated well!
There is hope!
The Next Step for Survivors
Gaining clarity and the words to accurately define the emotional harm you are experiencing can empower you to take the steps needed for change.
If any examples of withholding shared here are familiar, we encourage you to pause and consider removing yourself from the relationship or situation where withholding is present. If there is a risk of danger, please seek help from a local domestic violence agency or a highly skilled abuse and trauma therapist. Or, if you don’t want to start there, tell a trusted friend or family member. They can help guide and support you on your path to self-restoration.
If you disclose your experience of withholding from your partner with your family or friends, they may not understand what you’ve been through unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Keep that in mind; if anyone responds by causing you to question yourself or suggests you might be overreacting, hold it loosely. You are the best person to determine what is happening and what is the next best step for you to take.
And, if leaving is that option, the abuser who is withholding may claim you can’t leave or tell you that you don’t deserve happiness—you do deserve it, and you can have it.
Keep pressing forward and seek healing!
Final Thoughts
If you’re still unsure whether to stay or go, remember that sometimes, taking a pause to create distance can help you think clearly and gain clarity.
And if you are reading this as a friend or trusted advisor of someone experiencing withholding, be careful and mindful in how you respond. Provide a safe space for them to share, and offer your supportive, non-judgmental presence.
If you need help knowing what to say or do, we are here for you.
We believe in you!
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Thanks, Ernie Fizelle for themendproject.com
Thank you, Ernie for visiting our site.
Thank you for your article. This is my life to a T. My husband denies me any form of affection. Only speaks to me if he has been spoken too. Dose not communicate the normal things that a husband and wife would. Makes all the financial decisions without consulting me. Keeps major financial information a secret from me. All because he believes I don’t act the way he believes I should. If I try to communicate my feelings he turns it back on me and how I do this and how I’m this and that! I always end up feeling worse than I did before. I know I need to leave but I’m scared he will leave me financially ruined and that I will slowly be left out of my teenage boys life because they will choose their father.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I understand the concern you have in leaving. Please know that you are not alone. As you can see from our stories of healing, what you are experiencing is all too common. You are not crazy. But the caution you are experiencing is also understandable.Unless your life is in danger, before you leave, it’s essential that you connect with an advocate through a domestic violence organization or shelter. DV agencies offer more than just shelter (although shelter is wonderful). They can help to educate you on the legal and personal steps you should be taking to determine whether you are prepared enough and ready to leave safely. Your safety is our primary concern. We see you are on the path of healing, as you clearly have some of the clarity you need to navigate the steps you need to take. We are for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com.
How do you as the person who feels this way deal with it. I have 2 children with my wife and I don’t want to leave I am feeling like it’s coming down to that it’s not that I don’t love my wife I am feeling more and more hopeless every day. I have tried to communicate how I feel to her and she just accuses me of trying to gaslight her. I don’t know what else to do it’s gotten as bad as she won’t even go out to dinner with me. Any attempt at having a romantic life together is met with a problem and or excuse. I have already had two of the worst years of our life’s and now this too I need help
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Thank you for sharing. Not knowing all that you have tried, we recommend you find a therapist trained in abuse and see him or her individually to help you in your own understanding of these dynamics and with communications to your partner. Couples therapy is not usually recommended where there is ongoing abuse. Also, domestic violence agencies and shelters offer so much more than shelter, often providing classes, counseling and legal services that could help you significantly. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com for more information.
I have dated this man for two years. He began early on to deny remembering things I would bring up (so that we could discuss them as we had agreed upon). I thought at first that he had a very bad memory. We have a relationship such that we have about a 50/50% things in common with things not in common. He hunts – I am an animal rights advocate – that is our big one. I said ‘no’ to dating him several times and then caved because we felt there were good things between us. It has been a rock/roll ride. He is a self-professed pouter. If he is mad he walks away, and several times has started to leave and go home (we live 2 hours apart). He comes back but not because I ask him to. At the time I do want him to leave. It feels to me that he has NO sense of empathy and I am an Empath, so this i hard. I try hard not to judge and I am very forgiving and flexible. He used ‘love words’ at first but as time has marched on, he seems to be intentionally withholding them. We have typically texted a good morning and then talked at night. We had a six week break-up recently. I felt conflicted yet happy – a two-edged sword. I looked forward to meeting someone I am more compatible with, yet I missed him terribly. I even cried at times. He decided to text me Happy Easter in the morning of Easter Sunday. I invited him over and we talked. We did not seem to set forth resolve. I wanted to but he is evasive. He had a very abusive Father and I hear the Mother had a ‘sharp’ mouth as they referred to her. He idolizes his abusive Father. I do not verbally counter that to him. I feel that would be wrong. But I feel like asking him HOW he could idolize an abuser. I feel he gets some of his behaviour from wanting to be like the good features of his father that he looks up to (not the abuse). One would be complete lack of empathy when it suits him. An example: It was right before the WI wolf hunt was to begin. I am an advocate and in a group to stop abuse. Some wolf hunters are severe abusers of animals, torturing them, burning them, running over them, and more. At this period of time I was at the height of a dental implant severe infection, with many deadly pathogens in my body (as a biopsy/pathology report confirmed) so I was physically unwell with severe fatigue, weakness, and dizziness at times. So pair the infection with the emotional distraught of reading of the wolf torturers and feeling so helpless other than persistent advocating for their welfare with politicians and the public. We were both sitting at my dining room table, I put my face in my hands, with my head downward, and had tears rolling down my eyes. I was at wits end. I was NOT a drama queen, just venting and crying a bit, and of course, looking for consolation of my feelings and affirmation of the efforts of all advocates, and lastly empathy/sympathy that it was seemingly not going to work and the wolf hunt would go on. He stared at me and stared at me with a blank, unemotional face. I pulled myself together and I asked why he did not console me, like put his arms around me (which would have really helped me emotionally. He said, and I quote: “YOU BROUGHT IT UPON YOURSELF”. These words ring in my head every time I try to excuse them, find reason for them (like his cold cold upbringing), or I try to set them aside because we are all different people with varying degrees of emotion for others. But I cannot forget these words. I am going to start therapy in a few weeks. But I am struggling with the fact that therapy will be so time consuming, yet certainly fruitful. I am such a busy person, being a widow, with backlogged jobs/duties/desire for some smell the roses time. I sometimes think I can sort this out myself, just leave him, and go on. Any advice on his comment of bringing it upon myself would be so appreciated. I told two health practitioners, and a few friends, and they all had very negative comments about his words. My favorite practitioner, functional medicine female said, “Jan, that is a big red flag! You deserve to be treated well”. Thank you for listening. This has caused a lot of pain for me.
Jan, thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I understand the pain this has caused you and continues to cause you and am so sorry that you are navigating these stormy waters. We hope you will go through our website more, read more blogs and consider joining our cohort in August that is for survivors. Visit the Training and Curriculum page on our website to learn more. In the meantime, if there’s anything we can help you with or even to just encourage you with, please reach out to us at info@themendproject.com. Take care, Stephanie (M3ND Executive Director)
He is not the man for you. There is someone out there who is much better for you. I understand the happiness when you break up with him yet still missing him. I totally relate. Just break up because in the long run. I still sometimes have bad dreams about the someone in my life like you have and it has been over 30 years. I am happily married now for 30 years. Not always easy but never that drama. Life is too short for the wrong boyfriend. Don’t blame it in his past. His past should not be yours to deal with. You will miss out on what is meant to be your future.
Well said!
Thank you for your sweet comments.
Miss, I’m just a retired Army Infantryman (1983-2009) and I do a lot of shooting and other gun related activities. I grew up in southern Oregon and spent most of my free time in the woods as a kid but I have a firm stance on hunting ethics. I believe a person should only kill what they’ll eat OR, if it’s a destructive species like wild hogs or a coyote or wolf that only kills ranch animals. Ranchers go through great lengths to prevent wild predators from harming their livestock including ethical trapping and relocating before ending its life. Thankfully it’s rare for a predator like I just mentioned to be hunted and killed but it has to be done. When a predator population grows beyond its natural balance by eating livestock, it does more harm to the health of the wild animal groups which is why we have strict laws to keep livestock far from where these predators roam/hunt.
That said, I don’t know much else about your boyfriend and why he went on the hunt and I hope he doesn’t sport hunt, if he does, things will only get worse. And 2 years is a long time to be with someone and the relationship hasn’t moved forward to something more concrete like marriage. I’m 58 now and been married for 33 years, I asked her to marry me after dating for 3 months and 2 months after asking, we got married. Some things just can’t be overlooked in issues with your boyfriend so if it’s something you can’t ignore then it won’t magically improve one day, you’ll build up more and more anger about it and it’ll spill over into everything else. If you can’t find honest love between the both of you, the worst thing you can do is to fake it, it’ll kill him later on if you ever tell him you didn’t love him. If a woman withholds the truth or certain information and doesn’t respect and defend him, it’ll doom the relationship. If we see our wife is hiding certain facts it tells us she doesn’t respect or trust us and going forward isn’t worth the effort. When I say going forward, it can be buying a house or making improvements in various areas of life and relationship, investments of sorts. Defending your husband is important because he defends you always in all situations but if it’s not returned when he needs it, you’re done, it’s nearly impossible to fix that mistake because he knows where you stand with him.
Your comments sound so familiar. Even down to the Wolf advocacy. I hope things have worked out for you.🙏🏼💕
I have been experiencing this for a few years, only recently it has been worse. My girlfriend lives with me and has never paid any bills and frequently stays home from work for one reason or another. Between her last job and this one she was off for a couple months and most recently off from work at her present job for @15 weeks. She did buy groceries weekly aside from a few weeks in 4 1/2 years and more recently months. I paid off her child support that she had been behind on for 7 years and have taken care of her needs out of love. During this time her affection towards me has all but disappeared. I have tried to talk to her about it and have been told a few demeaning answers (when I get one) but most generally she stares off to the side, changes the subject, gets up and leaves the room or gets really angry and tells me the only reason she continues to behave like this is because I keep asking her why. Then she will avoid wherever I am on the property for hours and days. She sits in the bathroom on her phone forever. She has “projects” she says she is behind on but I just find messes here and there with nothing finished or of tangible significance. I try to be supportive of her labors even though she doesn’t seem to care about how she has a negative impact on my entire life. She doesn’t say she is sorry -ever- or argue to fix the problem. In public she treats me like she can’t keep her hands off but at home she never initiates or follows through on any “wait and see promises” she has made. I have offered up romantic weekends to get a response of “romantic, no?!!!” She has told me (e.g.-the biggest lie ever told by women) that she has never had anything like this before and how satisfied she is with what we do together, but we don’t do it together anymore hardly at all. it was every day at least if not more then she decided once a week is good and rejected my advances, now it might be a month or more and most of the time due to the lack of effort on her part and the weeks of put downs and pot shots at me for wanting to be with someone who wants to be with me, I will call it off due to her silent treatment when I ask how we got to this point. She says it’s not intentional and she doesn’t see herself doing it. Then she will tell me it is unattractive when I talk about it and I should shut up about it because she doesn’t want to hear about it. I think im going crazy trying to reason this out for either closure and a breakup or a path to resolve but I get neither. Only a man in love would do something as stupid as the things I have done to win hers and still I am ignored as I develop anxiety and an inferiority complex to go along with my one sided relationship I never asked for and was not how she projected herself to be to get me to let her move in. Now she will neither be a decent and loving person in my life nor will she leave my house so someone who values me as a person and vice/versa could possibly find me before I call it quits on finding happiness. Im not out of shape, I have never been unemployed, I work hard and have a great sense of humor twisted as it may seem at times. I miss laughing. I miss my old self and she seems to be just fine with putting me on a shelf unless she needs something from me.
We’re so grateful you decided to share your journey with us and are sorry you are having these issues in your relationship. We agree you deserve to be in a loving, mutually respectful and caring relationship. Intimacy is key to this, and there may be many reasons (due to or unrelated to your relationship) that someone may be withholding affection. But it’s so important to address it and it seems that counseling of some sort might be helpful for her and for you. Often, you can find great insight by talking through all of this in individual or, possibly, couples therapy. Discovering how best to set healthy boundaries and expectations in the relationship are not always obvious or easy to do, and a therapist can help significantly with this. There are also some good books on this, Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, for example. We hope this helps and that you find healing from the wounds this is causing. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com.
She’s using you, unfortunately. I recognize the callous one-sided behavior. I am similarly trapped by someone who takes advantage but won’t act close in any way but also refuses to leave and let me try to find happiness. They are narcissistic and we are their prey.
Leave now while you have clarity. Start by taking time apart to think about the future. 2 weeks was more than enough for me to be convinced to never go back.. already after 3-5 days into the paus/break I started googling why I had withdraws symptoms like an drug addict only to find out she is a narcissist and it is because of all the mental abuse.. took me years to get my head into a normal state again, the cognitive dissonance was real and it actually damage the physical brain little by little until you can take yourself out of the situation.
On top of the breakup she left the PC on logged in to facebook with messager up for me to read her messages to the guy she planned to get naked into jacuzzi with days after the breakup. A guy she been partying with for awhile… Ofc she also wrote to other guys and had backups on backups. I had no clue because I was gaslighted into believing I was obsessive and insecure for being angry when she never returns my calls at night when she out partying or she came home 07 in the morning etc ..
Please leave and give life another chance, you are worth it.
I have found a normal woman and we have had 8 years now mostly great loving and caring for each other. You 2 will find better woman but first you need to heal.
Hi good evening, i feel blessed i have fell on this page. After 15 years, and 3 years of my 15 year old going through severe panic attacks, sadly , only recently my eyes have been opened to what really was going on has been we have are gaslighted with withholding. Going on 2 months now of withholding, after trying to share with my husband how his harsh yelling every time we talk hurts me.
Glad to know I’m not alone Seeking help has been hard
We are so pleased that you found our website and hope you continue to find healing, clarity and validation by reading through more blogs, viewing recordings of our past trainings by visiting our training and curriculum or tools and resources pages on our website. Bless you and we hope you find a quality support group locally to continue your healing journey.
I’ve been with my wife for 18 years. We have 1 child. For years, she criticized me sexually and withheld. It severely damaged my confidence.
That behavior, for the most part, stopped when I asked her. For years, she said I was gaslighting about it. I’m on the brink of leaving. The damage is still there and she isn’t 100% committed to treating me like an equal.
Hi Josh, Thank you for visiting our site and commenting. I’m so sorry you have been going through this in your marriage and it is compromising your self esteem. You are not alone. If you haven’t sought counsel from a therapist trained in emotional abuse, I would encourage you to try to do so. And if your wife is open to it, perhaps she could see someone too! Please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com. Take care.
Several years ago I finally recognized why there had been such angst in my marriage which at that point was 23 years: my husband has demonstrated strong narcissistic traits and subsequent emotional abuse. Since that eye-opening I have had therapy to understand myself, to heal and grow, thinking as a narcissist he would never change. I never confronted him but struggled with how to live with him; keeping him at arms-length, not trusting him with my heart; still agreeing to sex, but only to ‘keep the peace.’ Very toxic environment for me and I felt entirely stuck..
Almost 2 years ago we entered marriage counselling for a ‘surface’ issue, although I knew the narcissistic abuse was the underlying issue for me. In no time, this root issue became forefront in our therapy and with the therapists’ help, I described what my experience with him has been, hoping he would gain insight. Instead, he deflected back onto me much of everything I confronted him on – including emotional abuse. Where I recognized I was grey-rocking him out of self-protection, he believes I’ve been stonewalling and therefore, consistently harming him. We are currently in the process of separating – he thinks we are at an impasse whereas I have gained all the clarity needed to leave.
From your article I suspect he might claim that withholding has been his experience with me. How do you differentiate between withholding behaviour motivated by power and control and behaviour motivated to self-protect? Do you see how this can be confusing?
Jillian, we are so glad you found us and are reaching out through your comments. PLEASE do not hesitate to email us at info@themendproject.com so one of our team can connect us if you would like to dialogue further. In terms of ‘withholding’, I believe you have correctly answered your own question! What I mean is that you ask how to differentiate between withholding for self protection and withholding due to the motive to power over and control. You mention that you have clarity regarding the fact that you’ve been experiencing narcissistic and emotional abuse by your spouse. Both of these identified experiences caused by the abuser are motivated out of a sense of entitlement, domination and control. Responding to abuse by pulling away or disengaging is not rooted in the same thinking patterns. Your motivation is to distance yourself. To provide reasonable safety, whether emotional or physical, is not controlling or domineering. I suppose one could argue that self protection can also be harmful. For example, narcissists avoid emotional connection, responsibility for the harm they cause, and, accountability as a way to ‘protect’ themselves from shame and vulnerability. They find self identity by controlling others and winning arguments. A narcissist’s form of self protection is destructive.
Protecting oneself from further harm, on the other hand, is the responsible thing to do not only for the victim but boundaries with consequences are exactly what an abuser needs to experience. Boundaries with consequences means you are responding accurately to your experiences rather than gaslighting yourself or sweeping things under the rug. Abusers need to experience what is accurate to the circumstances they are causing.
I hope this is helpful to you. I encourage you to join our upcoming cohort where we will unpack these concepts and so much more over a four-week class. Each week, I host a 2-hour teaching time with plenty of space for questions or comments and responses. You can register on our website. Take real good care of yourself and we hope to see you soon. Warmly, Annette
I can totally identify with emotional abuse. My story, is that I was given early retirement during the covid pandemic and have not returned to work other than doing day trading on my own, which has been somewhat successful for me. My wife of 37 years has for many years threatened divorce as her way of controlling our relationship. She knows that divorce and loss of our family relationships including our children and extended families would devastate me. She has withheld affection for many years, I do not want to have a loveless marriage and she became very angry and defensive when I shared with her during a discussion my calendar of how many times we’d had sex (18 times) over the last 2 years. She was more interested if I’d had affairs or cheated on her if I was so deprived of sex, and thought I was childish for keeping track. She blames her lack of desire for intimacy on menopause but has only recently sought medical help after starting counselling together and separately and our counselor suggested hormone therapy. We rarely have time alone, as she spends most of her free time with our adult daughters, shopping, working out at the gym, and watching shows she has watched since our covid isolation. She will regularly ask for backrubs and foot massages but fends off any of my advances for intimacy. My wife recently told me another problem with our marriage is that she is resentful and angry that I am retired while she still has to work. She is 5 years younger and will not be social security eligible for 4 more years, or Medicaid for 7 years. I have not continued any work projects on our house or hired contractors because of the inflated cost we face now, and I feel it’s just throwing money away if we are just going to divorce and sell the house anyway. I also found out a year ago that she had set up a separate bank account and uses that for her personal things like travel and shopping. I will also add that we do drink regularly, more so since covid, and where I rarely get drunk, I will totally chill, while my wife starts early and drinks to excess. For years having a few drinks or a glass of wine would lead to intimacy and action in the bedroom, now it just leads to confusing arguments and the end to our evening. The longer this goes on the sadder, more isolated, broken and abused that I feel.
I am so glad you shared with us and am sorry for the pain you are experiencing within your marriage. It’s hard for us to know what is really going on based on what you have shared, but I would encourage you to join in our self-paced course for people in troubled relationships to see if that gives you added clarity about your situation. We also are adding coaching calls for those who take the course that might help you and offer you an opportunity to share more of your experiences to get feedback and support. It sounds like you have taken advantage of counseling but I wonder if those therapists are trained in emotional abuse so they can help you the most in identifying the behavior that is harming your relationship. To sign up for this class (we do offer scholarships), simply visit this link: https://themendproject.com/resolving-conflict-in-relationships-course/. Also, don’t hesitate to reach out us at info@themendproject.com if you’d like to connect with a member of our team.
How does this compare in a parent/child relationship? My mother used this on my dad as well as us kids, I have 4 siblings. My dad died in 2015, and my mom still does this. I had to cut her off because of the belittling and now some of my siblings are doing this as well.
Thank you for opening up and sharing such a personal part of your story. It’s clear that you’ve faced significant challenges in your family dynamics, and I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to reflect on these experiences so openly.
What you’ve described—experiencing emotional withholding in a parent/child relationship—can be deeply harmful. Emotional withholding, whether it’s a lack of affection, communication, or acknowledgment, denies the fundamental need for connection and can leave lasting wounds. When this behavior becomes part of family dynamics, it can sometimes perpetuate a cycle where others, like siblings, adopt similar patterns, which adds another layer of pain.
Cutting ties with a parent is never an easy decision, even when it’s necessary to protect yourself from harm. It takes immense strength to set boundaries in the face of ongoing belittling or dismissive behavior, especially when it involves a parent. Please remember, those boundaries are a reflection of your worth and your commitment to healing—they’re not an act of rejection, but rather a choice to prioritize your emotional and mental well-being.
If you’re feeling the impact of your siblings’ behaviors now, it might help to focus on finding stability and safety for yourself. Reflecting on what brings you peace and presence can be a powerful step forward. You deserve to begin your story again, one that isn’t defined by the harm you’ve experienced but by the hope and healing you’re moving toward.
If you’re looking for resources to better understand these patterns or to process your feelings, I’d encourage you to explore our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: http://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s designed to help untangle these complex dynamics and offer tools for creating a path forward.
Please be gentle with yourself. Healing from family dynamics like these takes time, and you deserve compassion and care every step of the way. You’re not alone on this journey, and we’re here to support you.
With hope and healing,
Annette