Is there someone in your life who refuses to communicate or listen? Or refuses to give you their love or affection? Or maybe they refuse to celebrate you or your good fortune?
If you have ever experienced or felt these things in your relationship, you may have experienced withholding, which is an extremely damaging type of emotional abuse.
Today, we are going to help you understand this tactic more deeply. You will learn:
Withholding: What Is It?
Withholding is when someone refuses to communicate, listen, or rejoice in one’s good fortune as punishment. The abusive partner intentionally will not give what their partner wants or needs. It is one of the most toxic and damaging forms of emotional abuse.
Many think of withholding as refusing to give love and affection. While this is one example of how withholding is employed in a relationship, it is not the only.
A common form of withholding is when someone tries to control or dominate another person by refusing to communicate or listen.
The abuser who withholds does so as a means of using their affection, their attention, and their presence as a weapon against you. It is extremely damaging and destructive.
That said, I want to highlight a very important note: A spouse or partner who refuses to show affection without offering an explanation is certainly withholding an important and needed aspect of a healthy relationship, yet:
Refraining from affection because you do not feel comfortable or do not trust the other person is a healthy form of boundary-setting. This should not be confused with withholding, which is intentionally done to control or dominate.
There are many more ways withholding can manifest.
Examples of Withholding Include:
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
If so, we know how deeply painful withholding feels, and we want to assure you that once you identify it is happening, you can deal with it properly.
Why Is Withholding Affection So Damaging?
Open communication and transparency between partners are building blocks for a healthy and thriving relationship.
When a partner withholds in any capacity, it can make you feel ignored or isolated.
It is incredibly painful because you cannot change the situation, and you can’t force someone to change or stop this behavior; it’s their choice to withhold. Your only real option for relief may be to leave.
Each instance sends a harmful message to someone who feels stuck in a relationship where withholding is happening: “You don’t deserve to be treated well.”
But this is not true. You DO deserve to be treated well!
There is hope!
The Next Step for Survivors
Gaining clarity and the words to accurately define the emotional harm you are experiencing can empower you to take the steps needed for change.
If any examples of withholding shared here are familiar, we encourage you to pause and consider removing yourself from the relationship or situation where withholding is present. If there is a risk of danger, please seek help from a local domestic violence agency or a highly skilled abuse and trauma therapist. Or, if you don’t want to start there, tell a trusted friend or family member. They can help guide and support you on your path to self-restoration.
If you disclose your experience of withholding from your partner with your family or friends, they may not understand what you’ve been through unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Keep that in mind; if anyone responds by causing you to question yourself or suggests you might be overreacting, hold it loosely. You are the best person to determine what is happening and what is the next best step for you to take.
And, if leaving is that option, the abuser who is withholding may claim you can’t leave or tell you that you don’t deserve happiness—you do deserve it, and you can have it.
Keep pressing forward and seek healing!
Final Thoughts
If you’re still unsure whether to stay or go, remember that sometimes, taking a pause to create distance can help you think clearly and gain clarity.
And if you are reading this as a friend or trusted advisor of someone experiencing withholding, be careful and mindful in how you respond. Provide a safe space for them to share, and offer your supportive, non-judgmental presence.
If you need help knowing what to say or do, we are here for you.
We believe in you!
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