Male Abuse Victims: Understanding Bias Against Men

Gender Bias Further Harms Male Victims of Abuse

At The MEND Project, we believe that unconscious biases hinder our ability to see, hear, and believe victims of abuse truly.

Gender biases are a common barrier to a responder’s ability to recognize trauma and abuse experienced by men. Far too often, people believe men are not and cannot be victims of domestic violence.

But today, we want to help inform that thinking.

In this blog post, you will discover:

• The harm that is inflicted when responders incorrectly judge male victims of abuse.
• Examples of abuse against male victims, including overt and covert forms of psychological manipulation.
• How to differentiate abusive actions from victim defensiveness so responders can recognize signs of abuse in a relationship.
• Insights into why men may feel trapped in abusive relationships and the barriers preventing them from seeking help.

Let’s get started.

Understanding Bias Against Men Who Experience Abuse

In many cultures, a man’s disclosure of his experience being abused by a woman will be assumed to be a lie, and more than likely, he will be seen as the real abuser.

Or perhaps the man is believed, but he’s mocked or even bullied because he “allowed” a woman to exert such power and control over him.

He may be shamed and viewed as weak, all while not being taken seriously enough to justify being helped.

We call this Double Abuse®—when a victim reaches out for help and is further harmed by a responder who judges them or silences, shuns, criticizes, or mocks them in response to their disclosure of abuse.

The reality is that there is such strong judgment against male victims of abuse that many never disclose it or report it. If they do, they often do so anonymously.

Men also face exceedingly difficult challenges in getting the help they need.

Often, when a man asserts his position, whether with family, friends, therapists, or possibly in court, the responder wonders first if he is the real abuser.

Seeing Past Bias Against Male Victims of Abuse

Although we know women are the most common victims of abuse, the National Domestic Violence hotline tells us, “Almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively)” and “1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the US have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.”

This number is likely even higher, considering how many men may not report the abuse.

The reality is that women can be as emotionally abusive towards men as men can be towards women.

Examples of Abuse Against Male Victims

Just as with women, emotional abuse against men can be overt, such as yelling, name-calling, and threatening them in ways that cause fear and intimidation.

For example:

• An abuser might threaten to accuse their victim of assaulting them or their children to manipulate them.
• Some abusers threaten suicide to compel the victim to stay in the relationship or to silence them.

This is psychological abuse, and it is the most common type inflicted on men by female intimate partners.

Covert psychological abuse is also common.

This includes harmful behaviors such as:

• Gaslighting
• Lying
• False accusations
• Minimization
• Withholding

These tactics aim to break down a man’s confidence and erode his self-worth and dignity. (See our resources page for a comprehensive list of harmful behaviors.)

In most abuse stories from men, the abuser often takes actions that isolate the victim from friends, family, or other support systems.

Over time, the abuser successfully plants self-doubt in the victim, causing him to wonder if he is the “crazy” one.

Differentiating Abusive Action From A Victim’s Reactive Defense

In many situations, it is common for both individuals in a relationship to accuse the other of abuse.

So, how do you know who the real abuser is?

Responders are wise not to make an immediate presumption based on gender.

Additionally, it’s necessary for those responding to any type of abusive situation to recognize when harmful acts are being caused by an abuser and when someone is acting in a reactive defense against abuse.

When abuse persists over time, it’s common for victims to fight back to defend themselves from ongoing physical, sexual, or emotional harm. Often, their actions appear abusive or extreme from the outside, yet it’s important they are not confused as being “abusive.”

Behaviors by the victim as a reactive defense do not constitute abuse nor do they suddenly turn a victim into an “abuser.”

Unlike the one being harmed who reacts in defense, abusers have entrenched faulty beliefs and feelings of entitlement, which embolden them to employ manipulative tactics to maintain power and control.

It’s also essential to understand the physical and emotional signs of trauma that victims display in order to accurately identify who the victim and abuser are within a relationship.

Understanding these concepts will help you identify when actions are part of a victim’s self-defense or when they are rooted in abusive thinking patterns.

So, what prevents a man from leaving an abusive relationship?

Let’s take a look.

How Men Get Stuck In Abusive Relationships

Why do men stay in emotionally abusive relationships?

The toll of ongoing emotional or other types of abuse on a man’s self-worth is significant.

Moreover, the stigma he believes he will receive as a male victim of abuse may prevent him from ever saying or doing anything to put an end to the abuse.

If there are children involved, he may fear losing custody because it will be assumed he is the abuser. Yet leaving without the children gives them no protection from her abusive behaviors, so he feels stuck and that maybe it’s best to stay.

Feelings of dependency on his abuser may also play a part.

Finally, the lack of available services for male victims of abuse can be stifling, causing a man to feel he has no choice but to stay.

Resources for Men in Abusive Relationships

For a man finding himself in this situation, it’s important he gets the help he needs—even if he chooses to remain within the relationship for now.

Professional help, like working with a well-trained therapist who specializes in abuse and trauma, can play an important role in healing and connecting male victims to the right resources.

We recommend interviewing potential therapists to determine whether their training includes domestic violence, especially covert emotional abuse, and trauma.

Also, to ensure the therapist is a safe fit, the man can ask questions to gain insight into their opinion on men as victims of abuse.

If finances are an issue, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) will help to locate free or low-cost resources in their area.

Local domestic violence shelters are also great resources for any victim of abuse. Many offer services beyond providing shelter, including legal assistance with filing restraining orders, counseling, personal empowerment courses, and more.

Final Thoughts

We believe healing is possible for all victims of abuse.

As someone who is impacted by abuse or who is in the role of a responder to abuse, education is key.

Exploring our website and reading male abuse survivor stories can provide needed clarity, hope, and encouragement.

Please know you’re not alone. There is hope, and you can experience healing, too.