Men can be victims of abuse.
This is what Craig’s story reminds us.
Like women, they find themselves in sexually, emotionally, or physically abusive relationships.
But coming out of the abuse for a man is exceedingly difficult. Today, you’ll see why.
In this survivor story, you’ll discover:
- The various ways a man can experience abuse from his female partner
- That seeking help as a male victim often backfires, both in the court system as well as with responders
- The impact of abuse on family dynamics, highlighting the importance of advocacy and support for all survivors, regardless of gender.
In his own words, this is Craig’s story.
A Nightmare Marriage
I have been the victim of emotional, financial, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse from my wife.
Yeah, that’s right, I’m a man. And worse, she started abusing my daughter too.
But what is worst of all…
When I took my kids and reported the abuse, they didn’t believe us.
Still, it seems like no one believes us.
The Daily Reality of Living With an Abuser
For over ten years, I put up with extreme abuse by her.
She charged up our credit cards. $17,000.
I paid it off.
Then $35,000. I paid it off.
$50,000 and I paid it off.
It was as if she believed she was entitled to it.
She took cashback for returns on merchandise so she could build untraceable cash for herself.
I believe it was designed to keep me financially unable to fight her.
Our marriage consisted of her daily threats to divorce me for reasons such as:
- Not agreeing with her
- Not talking to her correctly
- Not reading her mind
- Not doing things right
- Not doing things fast enough
- Or just not making her feel good enough about herself.
She would argue and argue and put me down.
She would say awful things to me, then either try to record me to “show my anger issues,” or escalate it to physical violence.
I’ve been hit in the face with dog crap at three o’clock in the morning, had water poured on me, and kept awake by her until I obtained only one to two hours of sleep before having to work.
I’ve been pinned in a chair by the woman I called my wife, who outweighs me by forty pounds and who dared me to hit her as she spit in my face.
I’ve been cornered in the bathroom while I used the toilet and she videotaped me while she harassed me and humiliated me.
I’ve been pushed, scratched, kicked, bit, punched, slapped, and kneed in the groin.
She has lied about me and she’s been believed to the point that I’ve been on the receiving end of a restraining order by the very person abusing me.
But I would not ever touch my wife for fear of more of her lies about me.
When she tried to attack me, I would yell “abuse, abuse” and put my hands above my head to protect myself. Sometimes it worked and she wouldn’t hit me.
I’ve been victimized over and over again. It seems to me that just because I’m a man and people can’t grasp that women are abusers too, no one will believe my story. But it’s true.
I’ve been awakened by her performing sex acts on me. I’ve asked her to leave me alone and was told if I don’t do what she asks, she will go get it from someone who will.
I’ve locked myself in a room to get away from her.
I’ve locked my kids in rooms with me to protect us from her.
Yet, I never left. Because that’s what she wanted.
She would leave for long periods without saying where she was going. This happened multiple times. Again, as if she was entitled to do so.
She expected me to work, cook, clean, and care for children. I never got a moment to myself that wasn’t stolen.
She would read my emails, texts, and journals. I couldn’t write anything down or she would use it against me. Somehow, I managed to memorialize a few things and keep them carefully hidden.
She has ruined my career.
I was accused of cheating constantly. She would call my cell first, and then my office to see if I was there. God forbid if I was in a meeting. She accused me of sleeping around or wanting to sleep with every woman I ever worked with.
Then, she started abusing my children.
The Abuse Escalates
She physically abused my daughter and neglected my son. When this happened, I knew I had to do something.
I knew I at least needed to get my daughter away from her but wasn’t sure how. We were living overseas for two years without any support systems and I began traveling more for work.
This Is when the abuse got worse for my daughter. There were four incidents in three months.
Suddenly, my wife left and I didn’t know if she was coming back.
Seeking Help and Finding None
I reported the abuse against my daughter and DFS sent a man to interview my girl.
She was so scared.
They dropped the investigation.
Then, we talked to a family advocacy counselor who investigated the claim but also dropped it because the woman said my daughter wasn’t credible.
Later, my wife used the same advocacy group to file for divorce, saying I was the one abusing her. Again, I was victimized. My own lawyer refused to believe that men could be victims of abuse, so I had to fire him.
After she filed, the Court appointed a guardian ad litem (“GAL”) for my daughter.
The GAL talked to the same woman who didn’t believe my little girl and recommended unsupervised visits for her with my ex-wife.
Now, my daughter is being revictimized, too.
When she was ten, she said to me, “Don’t worry, Dad, she’ll just hit me again and then we can call the police.”
I asked her: “What if she hurts you, what if she kills you?”
She told me, “I’m not afraid to die…at least my brother will be safe then.”
Later, we got a court-appointed evaluator who recommended supervised visitation for mom.
Bias On Every Side
The GAL has ignored the recommendation and continues to promote my ex-wife’s side of the story and advocates for unsupervised visits for mom.
My daughter says she does not want that. She is being forced to undergo therapy with her mom and secretly recorded the session one day because she even believes, at eleven years old, that the therapist is biased against my daughter and me.
The judge ordered the recording thrown out at the request of my ex.
Still Fighting for Justice
For now, I have my children with me but the court battle continues. My children love me and are thriving in my care, without their mother.
But the system seems like it wants to rip them out of my arms, their home, their schools, their church, their lives… and to punish me.
Why will no one believe us? Why will no one help us?
A Note from MEND
While Craig’s account of abuse is painful to read, we are so proud of him for having the courage to share his story.
Male victims of abuse, like all victims, need to know that they are not alone and that people will believe them.
To read more survivor stories and gain deeper insights into the experiences of abuse victims, click here.