When Tom Realized That There Was a Big Problem
Like many other male victims of abuse, Tom endured years of maltreatment, both physical and emotional, before he found support for his situation and received the knowledge he needed to identify and name the abuse he was experiencing.
Today, we are sharing a story from a victim that highlights:
- How tormenting Covert Emotional Abuse can be
- How being a male victim abused by a woman can be a uniquely difficult and isolating situation
- The unique challenges posed by victims in male abuse stories
- How these challenges, though sometimes different from female victims, are equally valid and deserving of recognition
In this story, Tom describes how emotional abuse can happen to male victims.
The Background
As I review the different accounts of abuse, I can’t help but be a little bit envious.
I don’t want to minimize what anyone is going through—but as I read others’ accounts, I see how the individual can get themselves out of the situation they are in, piece together what is left of their lives, and move on to a better life.
I wish I could see that for myself. Unfortunately, I find myself in the type of situation where I’m having a hard time seeing myself escape.
The primary reason for this is that I’m a man. Being a man in an abusive relationship makes me feel like I am in a no-win situation no matter how I act.
I am considered a pushover if I do nothing, but If I try to push back (no matter how graciously), I’m likely going to be accused of being the abuser by my wife and possibly anyone who gets wind of the situation.
I can try to explain to people—but I don’t believe people are truly concerned for men who have been abused.
Counseling and Education
Right now I am learning about abuse through an abuse counselor, which is starting to shed light on what I have endured, while helping me to figure out what to do.
I have found that so much of my life is shaped by covert abuse. It happens so often that it seems natural to be put down in front of my kids or insulted because I didn’t please my wife.
I just try to do everything I can to avoid her so I can get a reprieve.
Of course, when I avoid her, she tells people I don’t love her or want to be around her while continuing to be cold and avoiding me.
At least my avoidance makes me feel as if I have some control over it.
When It Started to Go Wrong
I’m not sure when the abuse began entirely. After a couple of decades and several kids, time just isn’t the same. I can remember right before the wedding, she was so angry and dismissive of me that I stopped in my tracks and said I wasn’t going to marry her like this.
I tried to get an actual apology out of her, but whatever I got was more about how I wasn’t listening to her, which seems to be the pattern I remember.
I remember a lot of blame being placed on me while apologizing to her and making excuses for how she treated me.
It’s not that I didn’t need to apologize for stuff; we all say things we shouldn’t. But as I think back, the vast majority of the apologies were for her overreactions to simple things or for me bringing up legitimate concerns—which were seen as ‘condescending.’
Life Seemed Mostly Normal
Life seemed fairly normal for many years—even after we had kids.
I should have noticed her lack of concern for me or the fact she rarely noticed any of the efforts I put into the marriage.
The problem is that we can always do more, always do better.
That is a constant mantra for those of us who want to please our partners.
This is true, but it takes someone who truly loves us to point out that constantly trying for perfection will not create a better relationship. It will just burn us out, and the relationship will follow.
Narcissistic Tendencies
As you might guess, my wife’s narcissism played on my desire to please her and my insecurities.
At first, it was so subtle—and just felt like she was trying to improve me.
It seems to me like every women’s desire is to improve her husband so she can be proud of him.
But there clearly was no reciprocation or desire to meet my needs in a substantial way.
There was some effort—but not the desire to please me or meet my needs. Rather, it seemed like her desire was to SAY she pleased me and met my needs.
Whenever I would point out anything wrong or undesirable, I was told how perfect my life was in an insulting manner.
At a recent marriage counseling session, she even went so far as to tell the counselor that I stopped loving her immediately after being married.
When Tom Realized That There Was a Problem
I first realized there was a big problem when my wife started hitting me in front of the children.
I know it really stunned them, although my youngest may not remember.
I want to categorize the physical stuff as isolated incidents, but there have been many brief incidents to go along with the major stuff.
There were a couple of times when she tried to hurt me during sex, but most of it was a reaction to me trying to touch her.
Because she hates being touched, she frequently responds by slapping me away or pushing me back.
Some of this hurts, but I make light of it because I don’t believe she can really hurt me physically.
Of course, that is the whole plan.
She knows I will never show signs of a wound other people would notice. But at the same time, the abuse makes me susceptible to her whims and unreasonable requests.
Because I do my best to stay away from her whenever possible, the physical abuse has mostly stopped.
The worst part is that I don’t feel valued for the role I play to provide for our family.
Instead, I am made to feel like I am never doing enough—or that my contributions don’t matter by insulting me to my face and telling my children I won’t do things for them because I am selfish.
Trouble at Home
She has become so obsessed with the children’s and my cleanliness that we can’t feel comfortable at home.
We are often required to use paper plates so that the dishes don’t get dirty, and then have to clean them.
She refuses to clean anything in the house, except the floors (which she cleans obsessively to wipe our germs off of them), insisting that the only dirty things in the house are the children and me.
She refuses to take any personal responsibility for the mess, placing all of the responsibility on us.
In the end, it has turned our house into an unsanitary place that we can’t enjoy, and that others aren’t allowed to visit.
We are constantly being described as “dirty” no matter what the circumstances.
Nothing from outside the house is allowed to be in the house, or at least it has to stay in the front entrance where she can control it.
This includes library and school books, book bags, stuffed animals, coats, sweatshirts, and even socks that walked in another house.
Now mind you, this doesn’t even consider when someone actually gets dirty doing actual work with sweat and dirt.
Then, you are forced to take a shower immediately or be subject to constant ridicule.
People Don’t Listen When A Man Is Being Abused
I would think that people would be eager to help and stop these types of behaviors, regardless of whether they were happening to a man or a woman.
But unfortunately, that is not the case. I’ve been to multiple counselors, pastors, health care workers, social workers, and abuse specialists—to name a few.
The majority have been apathetic, but some have made things worse with abuse.
Most of the time, counselors simply sit there and let my wife talk about me and relate any problems she has with me.
Oddly, they can’t seem to discern a truth from a lie, and seem to have no inclination to figure out the difference.
They ignore blatant contradictions while accepting her feelings as actual actions.
I feel like they offer to help me, but instead tie me up and allow my spouse to pummel me with whatever gives her an advantage.
I can’t believe I actually have paid money for people to do this to me.
When the Man Gets Blamed for the Woman’s Abuse…
It gets worse when I start getting blamed for her actions towards me.
Unfortunately, the stereotypes ring true—and it is nearly impossible for a man to convince someone they did not instigate the abuse.
Then, I get a laundry list to work on, and I’m told if I just fix my problems and attitudes, spend more time with my wife, do her work for her, and spend more money on her, then she’ll love me.
After believing these suggestions for years, despite a lack of evidence or conviction, I finally woke up to the fact they were not only perpetuating the abuse, they were part of it.
Confrontation Only Backfired
The worst incident happened when a pastor came to my home to confront my wife along with me.
We met several times and everything was agreed upon.
Was given complete confidence that he completely understood my situation and knew how to discern abuse and confront it.
Things didn’t go as we had planned.
My wife figured out what was going on and started with the wild accusations.
At first, it was the normal stuff—and I just sat there. Then, she accused me of some weird sexual assault that made absolutely no sense.
For some reason it was so absurd, I started laughing (sorry, I don’t know the protocol for denying sexual assault).
At that moment, the Pastor had had it with me.
He turned on a dime and went into a half-hour tirade of how I was an awful person and that he knew from the beginning I was a problem.
He insulted every aspect of my life and character, making it up as he went.
Oddly, he had no more knowledge than what we had discussed in our sessions together, as we just met before the counseling started.
After that, the sexual assault and other charges never came up again—and nothing else was said, except for a couple of notes exchanged behind my back between the pastor and my wife.
People Don’t Seem to Want to Help
Whenever I first tell someone what I am going through, they all agree with a resounding voice.
But as I start to share details, their reaction changes.
It is clear that helping me out of abuse will be messy and costly, while it likely won’t get you any praise and may result in the opposite.
That is when they pass the buck or start the blame and denigration.
Finally, Help Is on the Horizon
I have at least finally found a group to support me and define the types of abuse I have experienced.
So far, there has been emotional, physical, and financial abuse.
Unfortunately, the help is limited to counseling and telling me how to handle myself.
This is welcomed, but it does not stop the abuse or present a path for me and my children to escape.
For now, I can just continue to plug away and hope to find some way to get out without hurting myself or my children.
Conclusion
If you, like Tom, are struggling to find healing resources or hope amid your situation, we urge you to continue to educate yourself on abuse and seek help.
When it comes to relationships like these, couple’s counseling is not generally the most effective.
Instead, we encourage each person in the couple to seek individual counseling or tell your therapist or doctor about your situation.
We ask that you would help us to remove the stigma surrounding male victims by sharing Tom’s story on social media, or by sharing one of our other victim stories.
We want to be a beacon of hope to all abuse victims, no matter their gender.
By boldly sharing the stories of those who are suffering, we can create awareness and prevent abuse.
Sharing your story can play a big part in your healing process, as well as being a beacon of light to others struggling in an abusive partnership.
If you’ve been a victim of abuse, we would also encourage you to consider sharing your story with us.
HI, Tom, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
I as a woman am also learning about abuse and how to distinguish between me reacting to injustice and the injustice being perpetrated. I’ve learned that I accepted bad treatment by my childhood training.
My mother displayed characteristics that now sound a lot like narcissism (my way or the highway, primarily) but she was also controlling about things like dirt, etc, in a way that feels a lot like what you describe.
eventually, with an extreme incident and the help of a nun at my sister’s grade school, the child welfare people got involved. Apparently, they couldn’t find reason to take us out from under the thumb of our mother (ugh), but there was some court-ordered counseling and through that, my father learned that her diagnosis was bipolar and that her behavior was textbook untreated bipolar. Like some bipolars, she refused treatment “because that would make it easier for other people to control her”, revealing issues with control (sounds like narc in today’s world)
I have no idea if any of that is helpful to you, but I need to get back to work. All my sympathies.
In this story his experience with double abuse through Doctors therapists and counselors isn’t just set for the male gender…I saw countless people as a female victim and counselors would just sit and stare at me..offering no empathy no validation no understanding ……and yeah,.. the anger that you actually pay outrageous money for finding help…—–many of them I came to conclusions just got involved in therapy to be lazy..—.they think they don’t need to do any work……….They believe fully, that they just deserve the rights to get paid to sit and listen to you….sit and watch you suffering reliving the trauma and begging for help……. and if you don’t like that they offer you zero help,…. or even slight human empathy——- you can just leave and they can take the next 1000 clients who are suffering to just sit in silence and stare at them.——–..we need a national database warning survivors and victims of trauma who to avoid and who offers help.——–.It would eventually push these users and monsters out of the field..—–it’s something many abusers and sadistic malignant narcissist get a thrill getting into……—-.the narcissist gets off on” withholding”,… help and watching you pour your guts out to them.——-.what the heck is happening that we just sit back and accept someone can keep their liscence that lacks human empathy—– they are being allowed to have licenses strictly to cause more trauma ..and to rip people off ——All the while they live fine with no conscience and pay their bills just fine…——–and they suffer no consequences for their actions..——.We need like a blacklist…so that people can share their experience to warn others—————-..Its not a rare thing its not happening to just men…I came across a female therapist that defended my spouse no matter what crime he committed and all the while sided with him against me and verbally attacked me….we need to realize its not gender against gender….its narcissistic predators against innocent victims/survivors and non-narcs…….——this happens daily to millions of survivors…—–Double abuse is a horrible form of abuse that stimulates further trauma and they should be ousted and forced to find another line of work..——————-.a therapist can take a thousand people a year and never help one of them, taking their money ,make a great living and traumatize people……they can do this for decades.———-.its high time we get in line with preventing more trauma and double abuse by warning the public to avoid these therapists……now more about his story…..——-.There are so many red flags that all abusers participate in including men and women.———.my abusers were both my mother and father so I understand when they constantly move the goal post so you are never good enough and you can never measure up..while they practice heinous acts of neglect, cruelty sadism and violence.—— I was constantly attacked with their lies and smearing …these people to me are beyond evil… evil and abuse knows no gender..I am not discounting his belief at all that he thinks it’s gender related..and maybe some of the people believed that….but I honestly think we are both male and female coming against both male and female counselors who offer not an ounce of help and gain sadistic pleasure in further blaming both of us survivors..that has been my experience…I received no special concern being a female…in fact my husband was prided as a hero when he tried to paralyze me….it happens to both genders…Double abuse is a horrific crime that should be punished with jail time once exposed they use their jobs to inflict more trauma….——We need to start getting more angry at what bullies predators and supportive flying monkeys that support these monsters are allowing them to get away with……
this has made me so so sad reading this I am so sorry I am a female survivor of family violence. but I know for a fact woman can perpetrate domestic violence. you are not at fault I want you to know that
Yes, it is so sad. There are fewer resources available for men, and most people don’t understand. Thank you for expressing your compassion. I’m so sorry you experienced abuse in your family as well. Take real good care of yourself.
Warmly,
Annette