Recognizing and Addressing Silent Treatment Abuse

Has your partner ever refused to talk to you or even look at you?

Arguments and misunderstandings happen to everyone, and sometimes, we need to take a short break from communication to allow our strong emotions to subside and gain an accurate perspective.

There are healthy ways to take “timeouts,” but using the silent treatment is abuse.

Today, we are going to look at:

Let’s start with what a healthy timeout looks like.

Taking a Healthy Timeout

A timeout can be a positive thing in a healthy relationship.

When we know ourselves well enough, we can acknowledge that our emotions are too high and too strong to engage in conflict resolution. Taking a short timeout shows healthy self-restraint and emotional IQ.

When implementing a timeout, it’s important to communicate with your partner to set their mind and heart at ease. You might say something like:

“I want to discuss this with you, but I can’t right now. I need space and time alone to think through this. Can we set a time to revisit this tomorrow?”

A healthy timeout does not last for days or weeks - as it often does in an abusive dynamic - and is never implemented without lovingly communicating with your partner that you need a little time to ensure that you communicate intentionally with resolution as the goal.

Silent Treatment Abuse

Unlike a healthy timeout, silent treatment as a form of abusive withholding is a manipulative tactic to sweep things under the rug and place the other person in a downgraded position or erase them entirely for a time. This is unhealthy and destructive and is the antithesis of a mutually respectful conversation to resolve conflict.

There is nothing “mutual” about it.

In fact, the abuser is not concerned about their partner’s perspective or feelings. Their self-serving concern is to avoid all responsibility and to ensure that their partner wholly submits to the abuser’s position about the conflict.

As a result, the silent treatment in an abusive relationship can go on for several days or even weeks until the victim gives in.

Silent treatment abuse is highly damaging, destructive, and painful.

What the Victim Goes Through

The victim’s desire is to resolve conflict and have warmth and some form of authentic connection return to the relationship.

A little warmth would stop the fear that a blow up is about to happen. With a little warmth and connection, the victim could stop walking on eggshells and get a reprieve from the non-stop fear and anxiety that takes place when the abuser is withholding through the silent treatment.

Inside, the victim begins to question their own reality.

They might think:

• “If they are this mad, did I get it wrong?”
• “I don’t think I said what they say I said, but maybe it came off differently than I thought.”
• “Should I just apologize?”
• “I just want to be loved.”
• “Am I really so awful that they don’t want to talk with me?”

Does this sound familiar?

If so, keep reading, and don’t skip the “Next Steps” below.

The victim becomes desperate for connection and, oftentimes, gives in to the powerful tactic of withholding and attempts to redress the problem or apologizes, often profusely, for something they did not do.

They desire to go back to the days when they fell in love and it all seemed so wonderful. They believe if they give in this one time, perhaps they can return to the honeymoon phase. They will do anything to resume what they believe is authentic connection and a sense of relational integrity and love.

Until they won’t.

When the Victim Has Enough of Silent Treatment Abuse

There comes a point in time when a victim is no longer willing to give in to the abuser’s tactics.

When they have children, this often happens once the abuser directly harms the children.

Other times, this comes after they have shared a little about their reality with someone outside of the marriage who can help restore some of the self-esteem and confidence the victim has lost.

Sometimes, it comes when a victim realizes on their own that they just can’t take it anymore and they need to leave before they lose themself completely.

Let’s look at what the victim can do.

Next Steps for Victims

If you have been experiencing silent treatment abuse within your relationship, we encourage you to get help. If possible, reach out to a licensed therapist specifically trained in emotional abuse and trauma.

If you cannot afford therapy, we recommend you find a domestic violence agency within your town that might offer group classes or individual therapy at reduced rates or for free.

The more you learn, the stronger you will become and the more equipped you will feel to handle your circumstances.

Start here with this healing from emotional abuse guide.

Please note:

We do not recommend that the victim confront the abuser. If you think you are a victim of silent treatment abuse, seek help from a properly trained professional who can walk alongside you and your partner.

Confronting Abusers

What about the abuser?

If abusive silent treatment is taking place, it’s important that you, the professional, confront the abusive behavior and tell them withholding through stonewalling or the silent treatment is abusive and not an acceptable way to treat their intimate partner.

To find out more about how to confront an abuser, see The MEND Project’s Accountability Model of Courage.

If you are speaking with the person who took the “timeout,” ask them the following questions:

• What did you do to make sure your partner recognized the timeout was to calm your own emotions and was not retaliatory in nature?
• What made you feel like you needed this time?
• What did you do to help regulate your emotions during the timeout?
• How long did the timeout last?
• Did you have any communication with your partner and what did it consist of during this time?
• How did you resume connection and resolve the conflict afterward?

Their answers to these questions should highlight for you if they are operating out of a healthy place or as a means to put down, punish, or otherwise maintain power and control.

In an abusive relationship, however, the silent treatment is not about the individual’s need to regulate strong emotions and its goal is not to achieve mutually submissive and respectful communication.

Helping Victims

If you are speaking with the victim, listen carefully as they share their story with you.
Whether you believe they are an abuse victim or not, we recommend you use The MEND Project’s Healing Model of Compassion to help you respond compassionately as they share with you what happened.

It would be helpful to know how often this happens in their relationship. Perhaps ask them, “Has this ever happened before?”

You’ll want to know how long the timeout lasted and whether their partner helped them to understand that their need for a timeout was for them to calm their emotions so they could return to lovingly resolve the conflict between them.

A simple question like “What did they say before they stopped talking to you?” should give you the information you need to assess the situation.

Whatever you do, make sure not to interrogate them.

If possible, try to understand how their partner resumed connection with them. Perhaps say, “I’m so sorry this happened. Were you two ever able to resolve the original conflict?”

By listening carefully to their whole story without interrupting, making assumptions or passing judgment, you are likely to get all the information you need.

If you suspect silent treatment abuse is taking place, it’s important that you take the time to validate the victim. You can do this by making sure they understand that the silent treatment their partner has been giving them is not okay. Assure them that it is not their fault and no matter what happened between them, their partner’s response is destructive.

It’s also essential that at this time you do not use the term “abuse,” as it is unlikely that the victim is ready to define what they’re experiencing as abusive or to see themselves as a victim.

With proper validation and confirmation that what they are experiencing is not healthy, they will gain clarity about their situation and begin to regain strength and a positive sense of self-worth. These will serve as healing balms to them, helping them to take the steps they might need to take.

Final Thoughts

Healthy timeouts are an important communication tool in loving relationships.

But when the healthy way turns into abuse, it can be damaging to the victim receiving the silent treatment.

Sometimes we need help learning how to turn abusive communication into healthy communication. There is hope and there is help for everyone involved.