If you have experienced any form of emotional abuse – whether from a family member, friend, or romantic partner – it can be hard to imagine healing is possible. You may have even resigned yourself to never feeling "normal" again.
We believe you can find healing!
This article is meant to give you hope to heal from emotional abuse.
In this blog post, we will:
There are several things you can do to help yourself restore from an emotionally abusive relationship, and here we will share five of them.
As you read through a few ideas, you get to decide what will work best for you!
Step 1: Educate Yourself
Knowledge brings clarity, and clarity helps you to overcome prolonged states of stress and confusion.
When we can clearly describe, define, and delineate abusive actions with proper language, it helps us reduce trauma symptoms.
The more you understand the destructive behaviors used against you, the better equipped you will be to set boundaries against abuse in the future.
And when you realize you are not alone and you are not "crazy," you will restore confidence, and your mental health will improve.
So, where can you start?
Explore material that informs you about emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, the root causes, and the best ways to heal.
You can begin with these free downloadable guides and training here.
For a comprehensive guide to recovering from emotional abuse, consider investing in our course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. This self-paced course provides in-depth coaching calls and materials to help you identify and articulate relationship conflict patterns, offering clear and actionable strategies for meaningful healing.
Note: Education is particularly important for people who grew up in abusive homes because abuse was normalized during their developmental years. This is especially true if it is emotional or narcissistic abuse, as it makes it difficult to distinguish between healthy and abusive behavior without intervention. With more overt forms such as physical, sexual, or overt psychological abuse, even a child knows something is wrong. With hidden forms of emotional abuse, the child may not know something is wrong but may consider themselves unlovable or broken in some way since they did not receive emotional support from their primary caregiver. Education can help resolve these challenges.
Step 2: Learn to Love Yourself Well
It takes time to learn to love yourself well after abuse. Yet, we often see survivors embark on transformative self-love journeys here at MEND.
Self-love is at the core of restoration after abuse. It’s also one of the best ways to stay out of unhealthy relationships, as a deficit of self-love strongly influences relationship choices.
Growing in self-love helps survivors learn to trust their gut and restore a strong sense of self. Learning to trust your gut is essential as you learn to love yourself well!
To read our blog post on how to love yourself after emotional abuse, click here.
Some additional ideas for loving yourself well:
Take Good Care of Yourself
If you’re not ready to attend that family function, saying “no, thank you” is okay.
You’ve likely spent years taking care of other people’s emotions. It’s time to listen to yours and honor them.
While healing, there may be times when it’s important to stretch yourself emotionally, especially when you feel like isolating.
Healing in isolation is difficult. We need community. And keep it light and enjoyable. You are not required to talk about your situation unless you want to.
Pay Attention to How You Feel
Keeping a journal where you can land all your thoughts and feelings is beneficial for healing.
When memories of prior abuse come to mind, write what happened and how it made you feel. You may have spent years stuffing down memories and feelings that need to come up to be healed. As hard as it can be to feel uncomfortable feelings, there is healing in feeling.
The same is true for children who have experienced emotional abuse; there is a tendency to suppress their emotions in the hope they will disappear. Unfortunately, this isn’t effective at resolving them.
Listening to and acknowledging your feelings and emotions are essential self-love practices and can prevent long-term physical complications.
Declare Your Worth
Address negative self-talk as soon as you notice it and replace it with what is true about you!
The best way to counter negative self-talk is by speaking positive self-affirmations aloud. Declaring your value and worth signals the brain to shut down negative internal dialogue, calm anxiety, and restore peace.
When you start this practice, you may not feel or believe the positive self-talk is true. However, over time, if you stick with it, you will soon come to see and know yourself in the right light as the person you truly are.
Forgive Yourself
We all make mistakes and take missteps. If you feel you have made mistakes, you may be hard on yourself for them. Forgiving yourself is a powerful act of self-love.
For example, you may be mad at yourself for entering the relationship when you knew there were red flags, or you may be hard on yourself for waiting too long to leave.
We all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Let yourself off the hook!
Step 3: Find a Safe and Supportive Community
It’s crucial to surround yourself with people who have empathy and compassion and will offer you the time and space to process your story and heal.
It’s possible that many people have violated your trust and hurt you with how they responded to your disclosure of abuse. Part of creating a strong support system is to remove harmful people from your inner support circle regardless of past relationships or how close you used to be.
Guard and guide your heart. Choose mindfully who you confide in; may they be people who fully believe you and support you.
A special note about family:
You might hesitate to set boundaries out of fear of losing familial relationships or because you rely on them for financial support. However, this doesn’t mean you need to expose yourself vulnerably or justify every decision you make. They will likely not comprehend or may not wish to understand, and that’s something beyond your control. Right now, it’s not your job to educate them.
It is okay to place and firmly maintain boundaries with your family to safeguard your emotional well-being.
Many survivors find healthy support communities when they join an abuse support group or group therapy. It can be very validating and empowering to be around others with similar experiences.
In time, your confidence will build, and you will learn to trust your instincts about people and have healthy relationships.
Access Free Resources to Aid Your Healing Journey
Take the next steps to clarity and healing from unhealthy relationship patterns with our exclusive printables and free trainings. As you explore these resources, you’ll also receive updates on our free monthly workshops for ongoing support and encouragement.
Step 4: Seek Professional Help
Therapy with a highly skilled abuse and trauma therapist who is trauma-informed is one of the most effective ways to heal from abuse and trauma.
For help with this, read “How to Choose a Relationship Therapist for Your Troubled Relationship.” You will learn more about finding the right therapist and knowing when to quit therapy.
Step 5: Practice a Healthy Lifestyle
Our fifth tip for healing from emotional abuse is to practice a healthy lifestyle.
This will look different during different healing stages, so be kind and patient with yourself.
Here are some ideas to foster a healthy lifestyle:
Movement
We suggest moving your body if you are able to.
Go for a walk, run, or hike. Try yoga, calisthenics, or dancing.
Exercise reduces stress hormones, anxiety, and depression and promotes healing in measurable ways.
Plus, exercise classes could be a way to get out of isolation and connect with like-minded people.
You may not be able to do some of these activities initially, but in time, we hope you will be able to make healthy movement a part of your daily well-being practice.
Nourishment
Healthy nutrition will help stimulate your brain and body.
This may look different for different people.
Just remember that when emotions become overwhelming, it’s easy to develop unhealthy habits that can be hard to overcome. Do your best to nourish your body well.
Rest
Sleep is essential for healing. Make sure you are getting enough of it.
It’s common for victims and survivors to struggle with adrenal fatigue, which can interrupt sleep.
It’s okay if you need support from a healthcare professional for medication or supplements.
Start small with these 5 steps and take it as slowly as needed. We believe you can achieve the healing you deserve.
Know That The Abuse You Experienced Is Not Your Fault
The emotional abuse you experienced is not your fault.
Before we tell you why it’s not your fault, you may want to take a moment to recognize any shame or responsibility you are feeling for the harm you received and the pain from the abusive relationship. Recognizing this is fundamental to your recovery.
Let’s explore a few key reasons you might feel emotional abuse is your fault:
- You were conditioned by your emotional abuser through constant criticism and reverse blaming, among other tactics, to believe it was your fault.
- You may have responded or reacted in ways that don’t make you proud. Traumatic reactions are automatic responses caused by the ongoing trauma of recurring relationship abuse, compelling the survivor to respond in fight, flight, freeze, or appease mode. This is known as reactive abuse but would be more appropriately named “reactive defense.”
- Self-blame may help you see your partner in a more positive light, which you may want to believe.
You are not responsible for the faulty mindsets, destructive beliefs, or worldviews of your emotional abuser, which are the root causes of their abusive behavior.
We don’t want you to sit in self-blame any longer!
How to Accept that Abuse Is Not Your Fault
Here are some ideas to help you with self-compassion:
- Acknowledge what happened and see through an accurate lens.
- Nothing about who you are or what you do can excuse their choice to abuse you.
- Many survivors feel ashamed about the abuse because they ignored early warning signs, didn’t leave sooner or seek support, or weren’t able to make it stop. There is nothing you can do to stop it. Abusers have deeply rooted faulty beliefs. You did your best with the information you had at the time.
Go deeper into the reasons the abuse is not your fault here.
If you accept that the abuse was not your fault, you may find other roadblocks along your journey to healing. Let’s take a look at a few of them and discuss how to address them:
Overcoming Obstacles to Healing
Is it possible to heal from emotional abuse?
Yes, absolutely!
Some survivors struggle to heal because they believe they lack the resources for healing.
Some feel it’s too painful to face the trauma of past abuse they endured.
Other survivors stop the process prematurely because it feels too difficult to endure. Unfortunately, the trauma won’t disappear on its own.
Another common obstacle is the fear of being alone. This fear can lead survivors to confide in unhealthy family members or form social relationships with people who don't understand emotional abuse.
When survivors prioritize healing, they will make hard decisions about who they open up to and how to limit their interactions with people—including family members or friends who are not fully aligned with them.
Finally, some survivors may find their healing journey interrupted when, after being away from the abuse for a while, they begin to doubt the severity of their experience, thinking, “it wasn’t that bad.” Be prepared for this by keeping a journal and writing down all the reasons you decided to leave the toxic relationship behind. When negative emotions flood you, write them down. Then, when you find yourself confused or challenged by the healing process, pull out the journal to remind yourself of why you are on this journey to heal from emotional abuse.
It’s essential to have one safe person or friend who has been there all along to remind you of everything you shared when the memory was still fresh.
When you cultivate a healthy and strong support system and embrace effective healing practices, you can achieve self-restoration.
Tailor Your Healing
Everyone is different, including in how they heal.
Not all survivors of emotional abuse experience the same mental, emotional, or physical symptoms of trauma and, therefore, won’t benefit from the same type of treatment.
Here are some of the effects of emotional abuse, which might require different healing modalities:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Profound confusion, fragmented thinking, and memory loss
- Physical pain, stress, or unexplained illnesses
- Auto-immune disorders
- Heart disease
- Eating disorders
- Digestive issues
- Chronic headaches or migraines
- Substance abuse disorders
- Obesity
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Complex-PTSD
- Sleep disorders and nightmares
- Insecurity and trust issues
You may have experienced something that is not on the list. Acknowledge it so you can begin healing.
Encouragement for the Road Ahead
Have grace for yourself. Be patient with yourself.
If you have difficulty caring for yourself, try to find someone to help you. It’s okay to ask for help. Your wants and needs matter.
You may need to build a cocoon around yourself for a time in which all you do is create a calm space to rest, pray, write, read, and heal.
Your brain and body need to recover and restore. And you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.
When it feels good, and you’re ready, connect with safe friends - even just one or two. Maybe the safest friends you’ll connect with are ones from a new exercise or art class.
Additional Tools and Resources
Below are some of our favorite tools and resources:
- The MEND Project training and special workshops for survivors include free monthly interactive workshops. Find out more here: MEND Training and Courses.
- The Flying Free Podcast, support groups, and coaching by Natalie Hoffman at Flying Free.
- We recommend these authors who talk about abuse, trauma, and how to heal: Dr. Judith Herman, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, Patricia Evans, Leslie Vernick, Ross Rosenberg, and Lundy Bancroft. Each of them has authored multiple excellent books.
- “Created to Thrive,” a book about creating Abuse-Free Church Cultures, Annette contributed two chapters.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Their telephone hotline (800.799.7233) and website are full of beneficial resources, including lists of domestic violence shelters and other resources available across the nation. Each domestic violence service agency provides different services and benefits. It’s worth making a few calls to locate an agency that provides the services you need.
Conclusion
Healing from emotional abuse is a personal journey that requires us to be kind and gentle with ourselves and have patience and self-compassion.
Progress may be slow and gradual, but with the right tools and support in place, healing and restoration are entirely possible.
You shared a great article. I would like to appreciate your time and effort in creating this meaningful information.his article is a beacon of hope for those who’ve endured emotional abuse. The 5 steps provide a clear roadmap towards healing and recovery. Acknowledging the pain, seeking support, and rebuilding self-worth are essential. A concise guide for anyone on the path to reclaiming their emotional well-being.
I resonate so deeply with the topic of this blog post. Narcissistic heartbreak recovery is a journey that’s often misunderstood by those who haven’t experienced it. It takes immense courage to rebuild our self-empowerment and self-worth from the ground up. Your words truly capture the essence of this process and provide a guiding light for those of us who are on a similar path. Thank you for sharing your insights and personal experiences – they make us feel less alone and more empowered.
I am 69 yrs. old, divorced and still stuggle with emotional issues from marriage( husband deceased) many years ago. I know I need/want professional help, but too afraid to go after it. I cry and get angry because it has affected me in so many areas.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I can feel the weight of what you’ve carried, and I want to honor the strength it took to speak openly about your struggles. The pain and emotional wounds from your marriage are real, and it’s completely understandable that they’ve continued to affect you in so many areas of your life.
Taking steps toward professional help can feel intimidating, especially when fear gets in the way. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s okay to move at your own pace. Healing doesn’t have to start with something big—it can begin with small, gentle steps that feel manageable to you.
One way to start might be by exploring resources that you can engage with privately and in your own time. Our course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships, could be a meaningful first step. It’s designed to provide clarity, insight, and education about emotional harm, all in a supportive and accessible way. You can find more about the course here: http://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
You deserve care, support, and compassion as you navigate this journey. Just by expressing your desire for healing, you’ve already shown incredible courage. Please remember—you’re not alone, and we’re here to walk alongside you.
With hope and healing,
Annette
This therapeutic approach doesn't just scratch the surface; it dives deep, recognizing the intricate ways emotional wounds shape our perceptions and reactions. It's as if the therapy sessions serve as a safe haven where the shadows of past abuse are gently illuminated and understood. The process empowers individuals to reclaim their narratives, shedding the layers of self-doubt and fear instilled by their abusers. Trauma-informed therapy provides a roadmap to rebuilding self-esteem and fortifying emotional resilience. It invites curiosity to explore the depths of one's identity beyond the scars, fostering a renewed sense of self-worth. Engaging with this form of therapy is like embarking on a journey of self-discovery, where each revelation brings you closer to the person you were always meant to be.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. It’s clear that you’ve already done significant work in reflecting on your experience and understanding the impact emotional abuse has had on your life. That kind of insight shows not only your strength but also your deep commitment to healing. Recognizing the hold that fear and self-doubt have on your identity is no small thing—it’s a profound step toward reclaiming yourself.
Healing from emotional abuse often involves peeling back layers of those harmful narratives, and you’re already demonstrating the awareness needed to begin this process. Trauma-informed therapy can be an excellent way to deepen this understanding, offering you a safe and supportive space to explore those deeper wounds. It’s about finding the truths that exist beyond the fear and reconnecting with the person you are at your core.
Be gentle with yourself as you continue on this path. The fact that you’re asking these questions and engaging so thoughtfully with your healing shows just how capable you are of moving forward. You deserve compassion, care, and hope—every step of the way.
With hope and healing,
Annette